Really confused

[andy]

Hi-

 

Hope someone can help me out in my situation cause I really feel lost and confused...

 

Anyway, I've been dating this girl for the past five years and during the past year we have started planning to get married, bought a house etc.

 

I am really worried because many times I don't feel so sure about my relationship. There is nothing intrinsically WRONG in it - we do get along quite well. We do have occassional quarrels but we seem to handle them very well. However, I find that during the past year or so the relationship has toned down a bit in passion and in our emotional closeness. Maybe because we both started working and don't have so much time for ourselves... don't know...

 

I dont even know if I'm really in love. This is the only long-term relationship I've had. I don't know how it should feel after 5 years. In the beginning I felt really good about us. Now that special feeling is there sometimes, many times not. Does the feeling of being in love change with time or should i always feel "madly in love".

 

Also, recently I've met this girl and we've chatted for about a month and I am starting to feel emotionally attached to her and it feels great; yet I try to ignore it cause of my fiancee. Maybe I shouldn't have kept in contact with her anyway but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

At the same time I am cherishing the idea of a new and exciting relationship with this person. Yet, only the idea of leaving my fiancee hurts me badly.

 

Any help please!?

[Barry]

Yes the feeling of "being in love" does change with time. Usually the bond becomes calmer and the feeling closer, and more trusting, but you have indicated that the closeness is not there anymore. The excited feelings you have for this new woman may come from wanting to change your scenery. Do you feel trapped because you have comitted to purchasing a house with your fiance? There really is no way to determine where you really want to be without making a change in your current relationship. And that would involve hurting her. Consider all of the time you have invested with your fiance and where you want your lives to be in the future. You may just have "cold feet" and in need of a quick fix with this other woman to feel good. But, if you can truly walk away from your fiance and live without her, then you already know your answer. Good luck.

 

Hi- Hope someone can help me out in my situation cause I really feel lost and confused... Anyway, I've been dating this girl for the past five years and during the past year we have started planning to get married, bought a house etc. I am really worried because many times I don't feel so sure about my relationship. There is nothing intrinsically WRONG in it - we do get along quite well. We do have occassional quarrels but we seem to handle them very well. However, I find that during the past year or so the relationship has toned down a bit in passion and in our emotional closeness. Maybe because we both started working and don't have so much time for ourselves... don't know... I dont even know if I'm really in love. This is the only long-term relationship I've had. I don't know how it should feel after 5 years. In the beginning I felt really good about us. Now that special feeling is there sometimes, many times not. Does the feeling of being in love change with time or should i always feel "madly in love". Also, recently I've met this girl and we've chatted for about a month and I am starting to feel emotionally attached to her and it feels great; yet I try to ignore it cause of my fiancee. Maybe I shouldn't have kept in contact with her anyway but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

At the same time I am cherishing the idea of a new and exciting relationship with this person. Yet, only the idea of leaving my fiancee hurts me badly. Any help please!?

[Lauren]

The feelings change in relationships constantly. We are just more aware of the major changes.

Your post indicates that you have been with your fiance for five years. That is a long time. I certainly cannot believe that your feelings and relationship in general has not changed during those five years. You both have aged, maybe graduated or changed schools, maybe had changes within families. The idea is not what happens in your relationship, but how you handle it. It sounds to me like you are developing a comfortable, reliable, trusting relationship with your fiance. The "madly in love" feelings ebb and flow. That is normal and healthy in a relationship. If you were not changing in your relationship with your fiance' (or any relationship for that matter) you would not be growing. Perhaps this other woman adds a dimension - an ear to listen , a good friend, or something else. You need to decide if you can look over the past five years and give it up. Maybe you are just having cold feet. You really need to dig deep - perhaps even talk with your fiance. I've talked to other married couples which helps alot. Love is not "passion" or "being madly in love" - it is having a friend and loving everything about that person, unconditionally (the good and the bad). Do yourself, your fiance and this relationship a favor and find someone experienced or professional to talk to. I would also suggest reading "I will be here" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is a short-read of relationships - true, genuine, and vulnerable. It comforted my heart and need for "perfection" in a relationship!! If you truly feel that your feelings of closeness are not there with your fiance, then you need to change this relationship. Hi- Hope someone can help me out in my situation cause I really feel lost and confused... Anyway, I've been dating this girl for the past five years and during the past year we have started planning to get married, bought a house etc. I am really worried because many times I don't feel so sure about my relationship. There is nothing intrinsically WRONG in it - we do get along quite well. We do have occassional quarrels but we seem to handle them very well. However, I find that during the past year or so the relationship has toned down a bit in passion and in our emotional closeness. Maybe because we both started working and don't have so much time for ourselves... don't know... I dont even know if I'm really in love. This is the only long-term relationship I've had. I don't know how it should feel after 5 years. In the beginning I felt really good about us. Now that special feeling is there sometimes, many times not. Does the feeling of being in love change with time or should i always feel "madly in love". Also, recently I've met this girl and we've chatted for about a month and I am starting to feel emotionally attached to her and it feels great; yet I try to ignore it cause of my fiancee. Maybe I shouldn't have kept in contact with her anyway but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

At the same time I am cherishing the idea of a new and exciting relationship with this person. Yet, only the idea of leaving my fiancee hurts me badly. Any help please!?