Pain, progress, and confusion

[KittenMoon]

I wanted to hold off on an updating post until after this weekend but I'm finding myself very deep in despair today. It's been almost 3 months since the break up, over 6 weeks since the last time I saw him, and the only contact since then has been 2 brief emails that were basically nothing.

 

I wanted to wait through this weekend to post because I consider it pivotal: this weekend is our mutual friend's bachelor party, which will have one of my ex's good friends flying in to town (he's also a mutual friend). My ex has almost 100% shunned our long-standing group of friends since the break-up, and as far as I can tell has made himself an entirely new group of gaming friends from a local gaming store. I am not even sure if he's been invited to the bachelor party due to this rude and dismissive behavior (there's some possibility he's even been excluded from the wedding), but I know it will be a huge nail in the coffins of friendships if he is a) invited and doesn't show, or b) avoids this out of town friend, who of our entire group, he should want to seek out. I also have some concern that our paths will cross with all the visiting, driving, and possible heckling that will result from our bachelorrete party (again, the girl is a mutual friend) that will be occuring simultaneously.

 

I know I shouldn't be concerned with HIS actions, but my point is that if he shuns everyone this weekend, it will be a major revelation to me that the person I knew is entirely gone and that his ability to completely drop longstanding intimate friendships shows him to be what he is now.

 

This weekend is one of the milestones I need to get through. I've set them up as:

1) This weekend

2) Him FINALLY returning my stuff (which is REALLY pissing me off because it's been over a month and I asked him to drop it at our friend's house no more then 5 min from his- not to mention he has a key to my apt and could drop it off any time while I'm gone- why won't he just drop my f---ing stuff off?!!!)

3) The wedding (if he's invited anymore)

4) To a lesser extent, my birthday next month, which will be the first b-day w/o him in my life for 6 years (although fortuntately circumstances almost always prevented us from being together on my b-day so his lack of prescence won't be TOO noticeable)

 

 

Since the break-up I've come to terms with a lot of stuff. Mainly that our relationship would never have progressed unless HE had been willing to devote himself more and learn to meet me in the middle of things, and that even if a second chance presents itself, the work would have to come 90% from his end. I tried to be so understanding, so accepting, meet him halfway at the arguements, it was just never enough.

 

AT some points I feel like a cloud of greyness has been lifted- no matter how miserable I am now, life has more possibilities than it did before. I sort of feel like I've been kicked out of my comfortable prison, although I'm still beating the doors, hoping to be let back in.

 

I've made a lot of improvements and changes in my life:

1) I've started exercising more, walkin first and now I'm beginning to jog

2) I'm pursuing my hobby of collecting vintage costume jewelry more in-depth; someday I hope to own an antique store that specializes in antique/vintage jewelry

 

And the big one:

3) I took a writing course which ended this past Tues; that day (I was very uspet to lose this outlet) one of my classmates emails me and invites me to join his writing group which is made up from past and present members of this writing class, as well as published authors from my area. It was made clear that this group was by invitation only, so I felt really good that I was asked to join. So hopefully this will help expand my hobby into a career, and open up my social network more.

 

 

Still though, I am mired in despair. Losing my ex has been so hard, we had many blissful years until things got hard. I can't stop remember those things. I cry about the littlest things- like realizing I'll never cook him dinner again. People are still shocked- we were one of those couples everyone expected to be together forever. I knew I wasn't ready to settle down though, and my ex's actions of late make me wonder if I am seeing him shift into a really undersireable person after all. It's very hard to tell, because I simply do not know what he's thinking, feeling, what he wants from life right now, or why he seemed so very frayed in the last few months of our relationship.

 

It's killing me too knowing his female friend, who was certainly an element to his sudden "the grass is greener over there" attitude, is hanging out with the new gaming group. It's the perfect environment for her- lots of horny, desperate guys who will shower her with attention for being a cute girl who (suddenly!) plays tabletop games- I can only pray that my ex will begin to get an inkling of how toxic this attention whore is. The fact that she's left, cheated on, returned to, etc her bf of 7 years (they are currently broken up ) obviously isn't enough of a clue, nor is the fact that though he's only known her about a year and a half to two years (the first half of this because they worked together), HE may be her longest standing friendship. Sad, to say the least. I know they are not dating, but it still kills me how he prefers this toxic friendship to my company or even our other friends, who are caring, well adjusted people who have been very hurt by his indifference.

 

And then there's the fact that I just cannot get myself interested in other guys. I've never been much of one to be infatuated- I can't help but search for good real prospects, of which there are painfully few. And I don't even want a "relationship" as my next move, I wish I could just find a guy who I loved talking to, hanging out with, and enjoying some physical intimacy, w/o major attachement. The idea of dating anyone, or having another guy touch me still makes me wanna puke and cry.

 

I'm very very confused- I have no idea what I want. My ex? To be alone? A new love? My writing to take off? To move away, start a new life? I have no idea- and this confusion and pain was plagueing me long before my break-up. I'm trying very hard to cope- but it's hard when my city reminds me of nothing but my ex, who is so close and seemingly so indifferent. The idea that I've lost him forever, even if I haven't, attacks me constantly. When I met him, I knew instantly I could love him. When we started dating, we loved quickly. In fact, dating was irrelevant- we were just together as if we had always been meant to find each other. I know people say this every day, but we long outlasted our "honeymoon" period. Right person, wrong time, is my ongoing mantra.

 

I guess I just want this confusion to go away. I feel like I've got this jewelry box filled with stuff and all this stuff is my memories and feelings. But if you've ever had a full jewelry box you know how tangle stuf can get, until it turns into this one lump of stuff hooked and knotted together. I feel like I'm pulling the knot apart slowly, but I simply don't' have room in the box for everything anymore, and I dont know what to keep and what to get rid off.

 

I just wanna feel happy again. Feel loved and appreciated. And NEEDED. Not like I just finally got too inconvinient, that I turned into too much work.

 

I'll post about this weekend in a few days- at least when it's over it will be one more milestone to cross off. Sorry for the long one, it's been one of those days.

[In Sync]

I was thinking maybe to reap the rewards we have to go through the pain...there's just no escaping it.

 

How brilliant it is that you are a writer..I've always envied that...I'm an actress and I have so many ideas for plays but how to begin putting it down on paper is a mystery...keep up the writing pour your passion into that. God gave you that gift for a reason.

[laRubiaBonita]

just keep writing it out........ no more of that loser dude.

 

i am feeling exactly the same ways as you. :bunny:

[shelters]

I get the impression that

 

1. your ex has a hard time with emotion and his way of handling it is to not handle it. I'm coming to this conclusion from your other posts where you talk about your disagreements and how they ended with you not getting your needs met, left confused, etc.

 

2. his ADD that he was diagnosed with (NOT excusing his behavior) can leave him as someone who has a very low emotional tolerance threshold.

 

Both of the above could easily be why he is not engaging with the friendships. He probably does not have the strength/people skills to... at this time. How that relates to you is if you guys ever do get a second chance, keep in the back of your mind that this is how he deals with stress. Now imagine you can't meet your mortgage one month, or he loses his job, or... you get my point.

 

(I am not condemning him, btw. Every relationship has positives and negatives; this is just something to be aware of.)

 

More than my selfish desire to have a (successful) 2nd chance with my ex, I want him to be learning as much about himself right now, going inward, growing... as much as I am trying to about myself. The love we had may be lost but I still respect him very much- and I really don't ever want to hear something that would cause me to lose my respect for him.

 

I wish you the same with your ex. I hope that this break-up causes him to grow as a person for the better- whether that is before you move on or not, that is another story.

 

 

PS- Eeesh about this weekend. "Fake it til you make it," comes to mind. I look forward to your next update!!!

[KittenMoon]

PS- Eeesh about this weekend. "Fake it til you make it," comes to mind. I look forward to your next update!!!

 

Honey- I can fake it beyond belief. The used to call me the ice queen in high school because I was famous for being able to appear nothing more than amused at the people who tried deperately to get under my skin. It was an awful defense mechanism, but I may have to ressurect that girl a bit over the next few months.

 

I get the impression that

 

1. your ex has a hard time with emotion and his way of handling it is to not handle it. I'm coming to this conclusion from your other posts where you talk about your disagreements and how they ended with you not getting your needs met, left confused, etc.

 

2. his ADD that he was diagnosed with (NOT excusing his behavior) can leave him as someone who has a very low emotional tolerance threshold.

 

Both of the above could easily be why he is not engaging with the friendships. He probably does not have the strength/people skills to... at this time. How that relates to you is if you guys ever do get a second chance, keep in the back of your mind that this is how he deals with stress. Now imagine you can't meet your mortgage one month, or he loses his job, or... you get my point.

 

(I am not condemning him, btw. Every relationship has positives and negatives; this is just something to be aware of.)

 

More than my selfish desire to have a (successful) 2nd chance with my ex, I want him to be learning as much about himself right now, going inward, growing... as much as I am trying to about myself. The love we had may be lost but I still respect him very much- and I really don't ever want to hear something that would cause me to lose my respect for him.

 

I wish you the same with your ex. I hope that this break-up causes him to grow as a person for the better- whether that is before you move on or not, that is another story.

 

 

PS- Eeesh about this weekend. "Fake it til you make it," comes to mind. I look forward to your next update!!!

 

His emotional black holes are driving me nuts now that I've been tossed down one. I can't help him now, but I wonder if he'll ever grow up. Outside of emotional relationships, he always has his sh*t together- which makes him very attractive as a long-term partner. Which makes my recovery very difficult.

 

I'm working on me best I can- there's been bad stuff rolling around that I've just been trying so hard to ignore and it seems I finally gotta get into it.

[alphamale]

I know I shouldn't be concerned with HIS actions, but my point is that if he shuns everyone this weekend, it will be a major revelation to me that the person I knew is entirely gone and that his ability to completely drop longstanding intimate friendships shows him to be what he is now.

Sorry KM, but personally, I see nothing wrong with totally dropping certain friends and moving on. This happens all the time. The old group of friends is associated with certain things (ex-lovers is one) and you just don't want to be around them. Sometimes it's just time to move on. FRiendships and all relationships in general all have to end at some point. Sometimes you need to re-invent yourself and your life and a big part of that is not hanging around with certain people anymore.

 

Do you understand KM?

[shelters]

Outside of emotional relationships, he always has his sh*t together- which makes him very attractive as a long-term partner. Which makes my recovery very difficult.

 

It sounds like for six years he had you as the emotional leader (so to speak) in his life- now he has nothing but himself... and no matter how high his IQ is, if he has a low EIQ he's going to stumble a lot while trying to get through this... and for the rest of his life if he doesn't do some major growing.

[shelters]

I'm working on me best I can- there's been bad stuff rolling around that I've just been trying so hard to ignore and it seems I finally gotta get into it.

 

 

And you see?! THIS break-up is giving you the opportunity to grow, as well. So while he is working on his s*** you can work on yours. It sounds like you guys really were a good match, at least in terms of you bringing the emotional-strength piece and him bring the secure-responsible-future piece. Now he can work on his emotional strength without you while you are working on your future without him... making you BOTH even better packages (for each other- crossing fingers).

 

 

Hate to so be overly bubbly about it (gag)... but in the bigger picture... it's all good.

 

 

Of course, in the smaller picture (lol) he should give you your eff'n s*** back already!!!!!!!!

[KittenMoon]

Sorry KM, but personally, I see nothing wrong with totally dropping certain friends and moving on. This happens all the time. The old group of friends is associated with certain things (ex-lovers is one) and you just don't want to be around them. Sometimes it's just time to move on. FRiendships and all relationships in general all have to end at some point. Sometimes you need to re-invent yourself and your life and a big part of that is not hanging around with certain people anymore.

 

Do you understand KM?

 

 

I feel kinda bad that you could take that kind of view of the people in your life, alpha. Personally, I will never treat the people in my life like that, nor will I accept that kind of apathy as "normal".

 

Do we sometimes move on from people? Yes. But burning bridges so casually is immature. In the past 3-4 months several people I have not seen in years have messaged me via myspace or otherwise contacted me out of the blue to see how I was. It makes me feel good that I left these people with a good enough impression that they would actually WANT to check up and talk to me YEARS down the line, even if we had never been particularly close.

 

And I have been able to reinvented myself several times since then, without having to hurt anyone who cared about me, so I think that's a totally weak reason.

[KittenMoon]

And you see?! THIS break-up is giving you the opportunity to grow, as well. So while he is working on his s*** you can work on yours. It sounds like you guys really were a good match, at least in terms of you bringing the emotional-strength piece and him bring the secure-responsible-future piece. Now he can work on his emotional strength without you while you are working on your future without him... making you BOTH even better packages (for each other- crossing fingers).

 

 

Hate to so be overly bubbly about it (gag)... but in the bigger picture... it's all good.

 

 

Of course, in the smaller picture (lol) he should give you your eff'n s*** back already!!!!!!!!

 

 

Shelters- you're a ray of sunshine as always. I really do try to think about it like that, mainly because I know it I do, it'll work out, whether my future life includes him or not. Being on the "emotional" end can dog it down though some days.

[shelters]

Being on the "emotional" end can dog it down though some days.

 

I hear ya. Bigtime. As I'm sure you've gathered, I'm struggling maself over here. I'll be with you in spirit this weekend as your cheerleader. Go team.

[KittenMoon]

I think I'm starting to get kinda panicky. I feel like seeing friends this weekend I haven seen since long before the breakup is going put me back in that "we're hanging out why isn't HE here" thing.

 

Especially with his good friend coming, who I have miss as well very much. Before this friend moved away, he and my ex had this crazy slogan he and this friend would shout out all the time. It was silly and made no sense, even when you heard the explanation behind it, but when this friend moved I had t-shirts screen printed for them that said it. I gave the friend 2 packages and a card that instructed him to hand one of them to my ex. Neither of them had any idea what they were, I had been very sly. When our friend opened it, he almost cried. I keep remembering that memory for some reason right now.

 

It's going to be so hard to see everyone in our group together again except for HIM. And I hate feeling like the pathetic fragile one. I hate it so much! Arg.

 

It's just one thing after another!!!

[shelters]

I'm not sure from your post if you are worried about breaking down in front of the friend from out of town or that you would be ok with leaning on him? Or if you guys will even run into each other (are the bachelor/bachelorette parties going to cross paths)? Plus, would you be more upset to run into your ex or more upset if he is a no show? Or both?

 

Usually I am big on feel-the-feelings and you-can't-go-around-you-have-to-go-through (the pain)... etc... but your 'progress' will be right there waiting for you tomorrow morning. SO if this an emergency where just your act of posting alone didn't make you feel better, I'd say screw the feelings for now.

 

- Stop obsessing. Talk to yourself out loud if you have to. Go look in the mirror and *laugh* at yourself. Find the humor even if it is forced, even if you are crying while doing so.

 

- Curse.

 

- Set your day up so you excercise at least 30 min prior to getting ready for the evening. If you can't do that, squeeze in 10 minutes of push-ups just before jumping into the shower.

 

- Stop listening to anything love-related. Put on some 'tough girl' music or anything uplifting if you are at home. If you are at work, on your way home do not even touch those frickin FM stations; listen to some AM news station. If you've got uplifting CDs- even better.

 

- Eat chocolate. (I hate chocolate unless it is melted but they do say it lifts your spirits.)

 

- Know your alcohol limit tonight. Do not cross that line where those shots start acting like truth serum.

 

- Smile your ass off tonight. You might even have a good time. Allow yourself to.

 

 

 

You are strong. You are not broken. You can do this.

 

 

f*** yeah.

[KittenMoon]

It's not an emergency really- I just feel so anxious. The chances of me seeing him are very slight. It's more the reminder about how much has changed. I'm afraid of people asking me how I am, or talking about him at all. I don't know why, I'm fine one-on-one with people, but the group makes me anxious and uncomfortable. No matter how awesome my friends are, they don't come close to filling the gap that he left. Mostly, they remind me of him missing. That feeling has numbed a lot with the local crowd, but with the out-of-towners returning, it's going to come back, if only for a few days.

 

I guess I just miss the life I had, even as I'm fighting to move forward and making some good progress. I'm tired of being reminded of it too, y'know. That's all.

 

oh, and the parties are tomorrow night. The girls-only should do me some good, except we'll be spouting about love and sex and all the things I no longer have.

[shelters]

I'm tired of being reminded of it too, y'know.

 

Which is probably the reason he avoids the circle of friends.

 

 

At least you'll be in a group (you can get lost in the background scenery) and that tonight the focus will be on your friends who are getting married (less of a chance that the spotlight gets turned on you).

 

 

Monday will be here before you know it.

[KittenMoon]

Which is probably the reason he avoids the circle of friends.

 

Which is wholeheartedly NOT FAIR. Heartless f*** (him). It's bad enough how he's hurt ME, but does he have to offend everyone else too? I told him in one of the letters I wrote him soon after the breakup that he "just didn't understand the affect he had on other people" or something like that.

 

Bleah. I feel bad for continue to blame him for this when I know he's just emotionally stunted. It's so hard for me to comprehend I keep holding him to my own emotional level...

[Numbheart]

KittenMoon, you know by him shunning all his friends because he knows they are all mutual and may hear from or run into you, this could just be his own selfish healing process?

 

It may well be hurting him as much to know he has to distance himself from friends in order to distance himself from you.

[KittenMoon]

KittenMoon, you know by him shunning all his friends because he knows they are all mutual and may hear from or run into you, this could just be his own selfish healing process?

 

It may well be hurting him as much to know he has to distance himself from friends in order to distance himself from you.

 

 

I just can't find any reason to think like this. There's NO reason he'd hear from me, about me, etc if he saw our friends because I haven't had that issue. I really believe he just DOESN'T CARE.

 

This is a dumb thing to get angry over, I know. It's his issue if he always takes the easy way out of ANY of his personal relationships. It's stupid but it pisses me off. I guess part of it is me realizing that if this is how cheaply he treats his close friends- as convinient fairweather relationships- why did I think he'd be a good partner to me. Why would I think he'd be able to give me what I need emotionally? This weekend I'm just viewing as a measurement I guess.

 

I don't know. I'm gonna try to put it out of my head. It's stupid, stupid, I'm obsessing again. Time to STOP at least for the day.

[shelters]

It's stupid but it pisses me off. I guess part of it is me realizing that if this is how cheaply he treats his close friends- as convinient fairweather relationships- why did I think he'd be a good partner to me. Why would I think he'd be able to give me what I need emotionally?

 

Not for today, tomorrow or even next week:

 

If you put everything positive & negative about him on a scale going through all your six years and the scale is balanced or slightly tipped to the positive side, see if somewhere some part of you can give him the benefit of the doubt. Although the path he is taking is not the one you would choose it still may lead him to the same destination. Give him some room to screw up a little. Who he is now is as much of a work in progress as we all are.

 

(I'm not trying to take away from your anger one bit, btw.)

[KittenMoon]

Not for today, tomorrow or even next week:

 

If you put everything positive & negative about him on a scale going through all your six years and the scale is balanced or slightly tipped to the positive side, see if somewhere some part of you can give him the benefit of the doubt. Although the path he is taking is not the one you would choose it still may lead him to the same destination. Give him some room to screw up a little. Who he is now is as much of a work in progress as we all are.

 

(I'm not trying to take away from your anger one bit, btw.)

 

No, you're making a really excellent point.

 

I SHOULD sit down and make that list. Right now I'm (constantly) looking at all of his actions and the stupidly insensitive things he's said over the past few months and that's making me crazy that HE could say those things to ME.

 

I'm having some craziness relapses today, brought on by stress. I'd really like to go for a jog, but if I go out w/ friends tonight I won't be able to shower in time so I guess it'll just be a walk instead.

 

Like I said initially, this weekend will be one of my "milestones" so I'm getting stirred up a lot by it.

[shelters]

Hey... I'm heading out to start the Cinco de Mayo festivities way early but wanted to tell you quickly good luck this weekend. Are people staying at your place or will you be able to sneak on to LS for some much needed venting?

 

Either way, Monday will def be here before you know it. Ole! lol

 

[KittenMoon]

I live... here it comes... ALONE. I will undoubtably be on LS this weekend between festivities.

 

Have fun Cinco de Mayo-ing!

[jerbear]

I'll be roaming and cleaning somewhat, have to work tomorrow so no partying to much on my end. Keep posting.

[KittenMoon]

Well I'm starting off the weekend well. Everyone's either busy tonight or the friend (coming in from out of town) are not getting in until late.

 

So I decided to start work on a funny gag gift for my friend's bachelorrette party, which involves scanning in pic of her fiance, my friend. Thought I had a lot, turns out not so many, and several of them are w/ my ex. Which means I just had to paw through my box of "ex stuff" and look at it, and it's got me crying.

 

Goddamnit, why is it so easy to capture someone looking at you with complete love and devotion on film, and so hard to keep it in real life? :( :( :(

[alphamale]

Which means I just had to paw through my box of "ex stuff" and look at it, and it's got me crying.

so KM, tell me....does each ex have his own box?

 

Goddamnit, why is it so easy to capture someone looking at you with complete love and devotion on film, and so hard to keep it in real life? :( :( :(

because KM, a picture is only 1/60th of a second....anyone can fake it for that small amount of time