Pain, progress, and confusion

[KittenMoon]

so KM, tell me....does each ex have his own box?

 

 

because KM, a picture is only 1/60th of a second....anyone can fake it for that small amount of time

 

 

Y'know alpha, most of us are here because we're having a really sh*tty time in our life and we've lost people we loved and who loved us at one point. We're miserable, we're confused and we're heartbroken. WE have a good reason to be seeking support from the other people here who are sharing these experiences.

 

YOU, however, just seem to be here. For no reason. All the time. And always without any compassion or contructive advice. Instead, you just say nasty things to make people feel worse, which is obviously the only thing that must give your life any meaning, since from everything you've ever said one could surmise that your friendships and relationships in REAL LIFE are utter non-existent in any meaningful sense.

 

I'm sorry the whole of your life is so devoid of real emotion, but those of us here that actually FEEL something could do without you. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're living your life posting constantly here- the rest of us will eventually be gone from this board while I am positive you will remain here, trying to give your existence some meaning, negative as it is.

[alphamale]

YOU, however, just seem to be here. For no reason. All the time. And always without any compassion or contructive advice. Instead, you just say nasty things to make people feel worse,

jeez KM...I was only joking around.

[Art_Critic]

jeez KM...I was only joking around.

 

At times Alpha = LS punching bag..

[KittenMoon]

At times Alpha = LS punching bag..

 

He deserves every word.

[KittenMoon]

Well, I've started off the weekend REALLY good. I spent all last night sobbing and my eyes feel wicked puffy this morning. Friends still haven't called this morning and we were supposed to go to the farmer's market (although its kinda damp and cool, they may have said f*** it) and my cat has diarrhea and I'm going to have to attempt to give him a pill later. Arg.

 

Why is it every time I think I've turned a corner on this I'm right back where I started?!!!

[alphamale]

Well, I've started off the weekend REALLY good. I spent all last night sobbing and my eyes feel wicked puffy this morning. Friends still haven't called this morning and we were supposed to go to the farmer's market (although its kinda damp and cool, they may have said f*** it) and my cat has diarrhea and I'm going to have to attempt to give him a pill later. Arg.

Sorry you're feeling bad KM and that your cat is sick. I'm sure things will turn around soon enough. They usually do

 

BTW I was just kidding above, sorry you took offense.

[Chinook]

Sorry you're feeling bad KM and that your cat is sick. I'm sure things will turn around soon enough. They usually do

 

BTW I was just kidding above, sorry you took offense.

 

Yep, they do turn around... and often when we least expect it. Funny story... last week, I was feeling dejected and down and sarcastic. I'm part of a running club and there's a club site. I posted a 'spoof' dating thread... saying I wanted to date someone who was young single, own car, own house, job, not too much to ask etc. No one with green teeth though. Anyhow, as I knew they would, the guys on the club site really came forward and cheered me up saying I should let the green teeth thing go and it's going to help me out etc. I went on holiday and thought no more about it.

 

Open my email this morning... see an email there from someone asking to exchange pics... and says he's single, 33 not got green teeth either!! I nearly fell off of my chair. Laughing. I replied that swapping pics was great... him first. Needless to say... no reply. But the thing is.... it happened. Someone responded to my funnies. I got something from someone without even asking for it... and that can happen any day of the week to anyone!

[KittenMoon]

Ug, well just gave the cat a pill. I am utterly baffled WHY they make pills for cats, as a cat does NOT want to take a pill and they tast HORRID. So after4-5 spitups, I finally got the pill into him, at which point he went running around the apt trailing foamy cat spit (which anyone who has a cat will know happens when they taste something awful) and dripping it onto everything, including the bed.

 

FINALLY hooking up with friends to go get bachelorrete party items in a little bit. Maybe the porn shop will cheer me up, it usually has that effect. (Except for the creepy Real Doll the keep in a foursides glass case- it looks like they're displaying the corpse of a stripper).

 

I think my feminie hormones are spiking, hence the break down. I'm all messed up since I stopped my birth control pills. And the only thing that seemed to calm me down during these times were being with my ex (I swear that male pheremones counteract PMS). I REALLY REALLY miss him now. It's stupid but I do...

[2020vision]

I am the same way with the hormones thing...When I am PMSing (is that even a verb?? lol) I have breakdowns way more than usual. Its not stupid that you miss him, you just cant control your feelings even when it doesn't even seem logical to miss someone, and thats the hard part.

 

 

But Good for you for going to a bachelorette party! I hope you have a great time!

[destination_unknown]

know how you feel KM, had the roughest one ive ever had today.

 

poor kitty, if it lasts for 24 hours and she hasnt been to vet yet get her there pronto cause it can be extremely dangerous, especially in young or older cats. giving the pill will be a nightmare! if you can have somebody wrap his/her body in a towel while you administer it really helps. dya know the trick of sticking the pill on some butter on the end of a (sterilized) pencil and using that to stick the pill to kitties tongue (near the back if you can). ugh, giving kitties pills is blooming traumatic and it breaks your heart because they think your cruel and give you dirty looks. but then they forgive ya when they get hungary again!

 

hope your weekend improves tonight!

[shelters]

Ug, well just gave the cat a pill. I am utterly baffled WHY they make pills for cats, as a cat does NOT want to take a pill and they tast HORRID. So after4-5 spitups, I finally got the pill into him, at which point he went running around the apt trailing foamy cat spit (which anyone who has a cat will know happens when they taste something awful) and dripping it onto everything, including the bed.

 

Been there! lol And cats are strong little creatures when trying to resist someone giving them a pill.

[KittenMoon]

Well, I'm back from the bachelorette party and crying my goddamn eyes out again.

 

It' started off ok, I saw my female friend from out of town, we made decorations, bought offensive gifts, etc. I found out my ex WAS going to the bachelor party, from an offhand remark, but I didn't ask.

 

I could deal with that.

 

Then, my out of town friend "S" started talking all about how she really wanted to get married and why wasn't her bf (who was my other friend in town) asking her yet, etc etc. We all know for a fact he wants to ask her but doesn't have the $$$ to buy a ring right now so that's holding it up. So anyways, she's going on an on, and I didn't want to spoil things by asking her to talk about it so I kept it in. The really hard part is I always said how I didn't want to marry my ex, or get married, etc, but ever since my break up its all I can think about. So I know they don't know how it's hurting me.

 

But I could deal with that.

 

AT dinner, which was fantastic, my break-up buddy brought up the ex's c*nt female friend, for no reason at all, just to bash her a little and ask another friend (A) if c*nt has been in contact with A' friend, who c*nt had been flirting with when they first met, and convinently didn't say she had a bf for WEEKS! although she was texting/calling him every single day. Anyways, I was like "WHY IS THIS BRING BROUGHT UP!!!!" but I said nothing and let it die.

 

I could deal with that.

 

After that I realy started having fun with the girls. The party wasn't supposed to go late or be very intoxicating because the bachelorette has exams in a few days, but it did. There was more marriage talk, including the "S" continuing to say how much she wanted to get married (she was quite drunk) and not because it was marriage, but because she wanted to marry her bf (she is an ultra feminist so her saying this, well, it's really love, y'know?)

 

Then, it's getting late, I'm thinking about going home, my friend H's (whose apt we're at) husband comes in, follwowd by S's bf. I greet him, having missed him and thinking he drove there, when he give me the LOOK. The LOOK that means my ex is there, and sure enough, he ducks his head back in the foyer and says somethign very quietly then comes back liek nothing's happened. It's quite obvious it was something they had anticipated before coming in. A few min later H's drunk husband confirms that my ex drove them home, even apologizing for saying his name.

 

This I cannot handle. He was RIGHT there. No more than 15 ft away. I just wanted to die,t he whole night came crashing down as everyone in the f***in room is so in love. S and her bf are hugging and kissing, H and her husband are hugging, the bachelorette is getting married, even our other friend there has her bf.

 

I'm alone, no one loves me, and the person who loved me so deeply and whom I loved is avoiding me like the plague. Just the fact that he can't stand to be around me makes me want to die. I can't even call my mom and cry on the phoen to her. I kept faking happy for as long as I could and finally left the party. I just couldn't keep hiding it and I know it was being picked up on. I miss our group so much, I miss my ex, and I miss my goddamn life. But suddenly it was like high school again, hanging with my friends, everyone is happy but me, I'm pining over someone who I mean nothing to. I almost didn't make it out of those years and I'm terrified those feelings, that LIFE is back.

 

One fo the things that's driving me crazy is I thought my ex were like the guys in that room, most of whom were quality guys to love, but I'm starting to see the subtle differences in emotional maturity. I want a guy like they have so much. Actually, I want my ex to miraculously be like them. I want to feel loved again. But it's never going to happen. My ex has decided his life was worse having me in it.

 

I know in my heart he's losing out on something good. He's kinda naive, and I think he's going to end up chasing a lot of girls who are going to treat him badly. But that doesn't stop how much I miss him and the fact that I constantly wish a bus would hit me or something to stop this pain. I'm fighting for NC, I'm trying to turn my mind away, but every few weeks it seems like something comes up. I don't see him, but somehow I end up in his prescence.

 

I'm sorry I am rambling tonight. I've just seen so much love and affection and been reminded of how much I have lost. I love my friends but it hurts to be around them in our "group".

 

I dont' know. I feel like my whole life is completely non-existent. Everyone else has their marriage and their grad schools or both. I have a career I'm beginning to hate and I (think) I love a guy who can't stand to see me. I feel like I don't know anything anymore, and that nothing is worth it.

[francis]

KM

 

This event was always going to be painful because you put yourself in a very vulnerable situation, like rubbing salt in the wound.

 

Firstly, being surrounded by a bunch of girls so happily coupled up.

 

Secondly, by placing yourself in the midst of so many associations and memories of your life with your ex.

 

Thirdly, by placing yourself in such close proximity to him. There was always a risk he was going to be around.

 

Of course, you would want to be part of the wedding celebrations, of course you are entitled to spend time with your friends, but you're clearly still in a very fragile state.

 

I don't feel that your friends were particularly sensitive to your feelings or fully aware of how much pain you are still in. Have you given them a chance to know how deeply you are hurting right now?

 

Be kinder to yourself ok? Know what your limitations are during this time of healing. Don't punish yourself by putting yourself in situations you are clearly not ready to face.

 

It appears that your ex is not ready to face you. In my opinion, his way of dealing with things since you have broken up, it all sounds very cowardly. The 'hey' email screams of fear and hesitance. Every time he has reached out to you, no matter how slight the gesture, you have ignored him.

 

So he has no idea how you are feeling right now, right? He is avoiding you. He is not confident to put himself out there, and speak to you. This could be because he is scared of facing up to his decision, scared to take responsibility for his actions, scared of facing you, scared to face up to his feelings and feeling like a fool.

 

It seems to me you have a lot bottled up inside and are full of frustration which is normal. Believe in yourself a little more. From what I have read, you have a lot to give, a vibrant, creative personality and a world of opportunities ahead.

[shelters]

Ditto to everything francis wrote, especially:

 

From what I have read, you have a lot to give, a vibrant, creative personality and a world of opportunities ahead.

 

I remember you posted about a few stumbling-blocks you had ahead (maybe it was even earlier in this post?) and that this bachelorette party was one of them. So now you can check that one off the list.

 

Baby steps.

 

Now that you are back in the safety of your own home, let yourself feel it all... which I'm sure you are having no trouble doing. At the same time, think back to a day or two during your recovery that you would consider an 'up' day- not in an effort to not feel the current pain, but in an effort to comfort yourself with the reminder that the way you are feeling now is not permanent.

 

It will not be this way forever.

 

Trust that there is meaning in all of this.

[In Sync]

KittenMoon

You need a big hug and here it is (((((((( BIG HUG )))))))))))!

Obviously there was no way out of you not showing up to this party since it was in celebration of you're friend getting married,etc.. So I can't sya hey you shouldn't have exposed yourself but after reading how much pain you are in I would be lyng if I didn't think this time staying away from any events were your ex might be in is the only way for now. I don't care how many people feel thinking you need to show your ex you are mot scared offf the result is you are now hurting. It's the hurting that you have to get through over again. Today and in the following days nurture yourself. Find ways to just show yourself love love love. Take bubble baths or rent a funny movie or get a massage...Things to fill you with joy...and don't forget to say a little prayer.

This episode won't destroy you IT will make you stronger as I have been told and I realize the truth of those words...

[KittenMoon]

Thanks all. I really do appreciate the support.

 

I just want to let you know, I'm REALLY not putting myself in the position to see my ex. There was maybe a 10% chance of running into him- all f our friends were cognizant of the situation, etc. So the fact that he showed up was a possibility, but a vague one. But since there was a limited amount of places I'd be with a very limited group of people, it's not like I could "spread myself out" so to day and make sure 100% he wouldn't be where I was.

 

He was dropping off our drunk male friends where their female counterparts were. Earlier that evening I had been under the impression that those friends had driven (in fact I think they did and must have left a car or two somplace), so all night I was sorta like >phew< there's no reason to see him. IN fact, the boys were supposed to be out WAY later and the girls were supposed to have ended their party WAY earlier. Once again, I feel like I am being mocked by the powers that be.

 

I was SO close to getting away unscathed, and until then I could have dealt with all the love crap, not happily but at least with dignity. I didn't want to upset anyone THIS weekend, as there was a lot of emotion not having seen these out of town friends as well as the wedding parties. My whole goal was to keep it together for them.

 

Anyways, I just got rejected AGAIN. But you're right shelters, it's one mroe thing checked off my list.

 

Gotta go now, I'm meeting my friends for breakfast and more activity today.

[KittenMoon]

Ok- I am TRULY INSANE........

 

My ex WASN'T outside the door last night (he simply dropped the friends at the street), like I thought- apparently my fear and exhaustion and it being 2am and the very easily misinterpreted actions of my drunk friends led to the scenario in my head. Although, I think there were other people who thought the same thing happened as I imagined, so it wasn't just me.

 

And yet, there's more. Word had it that my ex was NOT going to the wedding. I flipped at this, but it turned out to be misinterpretation. But at the bachelor party my ex apparently did say that he missed me (although with what sentiment behind it is unclear) and at one point said something callously like (in reference to talking to each other) that he didn't know what I expected from him since I had not called HIM or contacted HIM in anyway.

 

This was apparently related to the room full of girls after I left and, humourously, all three girls IMMEDIATELY said at the same time "BUT HE BROKE UP WITH HER WHY WOULD SHE CONTACT HIM?????!!!!"

 

f***ing dumbfounding. HE was expecting ME to keep the contact up. After all the mean, insensitive things he said, after not contacting our friends for months, etc etc. ..... WHAT?!!!!

 

I feel like I'm dealing with pure insanity. He does not seem to fathom in the slightest the severe emotional trauma that has been wreaked upon me, or recognize at all the gravity of the situation.

 

The guys also apparently grilled him a bit in terms of his cvnt friend (apparently the biys were defending my honor a bit), which he has utterly and totally denied there's ANY romantice affection, etc. It's nice to know this, but he is spending tons of time with her and it hurts so much that he fails COMPLETELY to realize the effect of her relationship with him had on me. It's not that he should see anything wrong with just a friendship, it's that he CAN"T fathom its role in any of this and he can't understand why it would affect things at all.

 

His lack of maturity is STAGGERING at his point, his lack of comprehension is MIND-NUMBING, and his personality truly has undergone this bizarre shift. I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life to come to this. The is NOT the person I knew, by any means. My male friend M from out of town said he did seem very different, and M has know the ex as long as I have.

 

Anyways, the boys made up in their boy way, ex will probably be coming to the wedding (after the groom sat me down and asked my feelings, explained he had never sent the ex an invite because he was beign a dork, etc). Apparently my ex, who is well employed, dropped loads of cash on ALL the guys last night- I really thing this is his only remaining way of showing affection.

 

What it comes down to now is that I think I HAVE to see my ex before the wedding to remove the shock of it, so I don't go emotional armageddon at the wedding. But I don't want to. I don't want to contact him at all, because I know I'm going to be hurt more. I just know it. But I want my friends wedding to be perfect.

 

I think I have to break NC and there's no way around it unless I can somehow be 100% I won't melt down at the wedding, which I can't be.

 

This whole situation is Catch-22 for me. I can't win.

[In Sync]

This small exposure to your ex's presence is twisted your head in a pretzel.

KM, why are you doing this to yourself in all honesty?

If you love this man, be a woman pick up the phone and talk to him.

 

You are losing control of your mind. What is it that you want from this man? And do you honestly think he's going to give it to you. You are giving your power to him and that's why you feel you can't win.

 

I am a firm believer in NC, and usally I stand by it..but as you are turning yourself inside out...break it. Otherwise you'll go nuts with the all my friends said this and he said this to them and then blaming him for not calling you...so on and so on. See my point..it's endless.

 

What you need is peace of mind, and its obvious you are not getting this with the wedding looming overhead. Decide what you want and then do it. This is your life, make the most of it. But start by being honest with yourself.

[shelters]

What it comes down to now is that I think I HAVE to see my ex before the wedding to remove the shock of it, so I don't go emotional armageddon at the wedding. But I don't want to. I don't want to contact him at all, because I know I'm going to be hurt more. I just know it. But I want my friends wedding to be perfect.

 

I think I have to break NC and there's no way around it unless I can somehow be 100% I won't melt down at the wedding, which I can't be.

 

This whole situation is Catch-22 for me. I can't win.

 

 

Fill us in on more of the details!!

 

When is the wedding? How do you envision the contact going? To serve what purpose? To speak specifically about what?

 

[KittenMoon]

The insanity continues...

 

My ex emailed me this morning 3 times. Yes, three. Once to tell me he might be taking this job in NJ that will have him travelling 100% of the time. I told him I wanted him to leave- he thought it was because I wanted a clean break, it's really because I cannot deal with the anxiety of even POSSIBLY running into him around town w/ another girl. Our mutual friend sent him pictures from this weekend's events, he said it really hurt to see them, but that he liked my new hair, etc. Said he prob wouldn't be going to the wedding because our friend didn't seem keen on it (which was the total opposite of what was said to me last night) Then he sent me another email with his new cell # just in case (it's not that he changed his # this is his first cell). Then he sent a third email asking about my cat.

 

In all these emails there were phrases peppered in like "I know you hate me but..." "if you need to contact me but I know you probably won't" "I hope we can hang out someday" "I miss your company" and then about the new job he said he would probably take it because his leaving "would make me happy".

 

This has degenerated to pure craziness. He really thinks I've been ignoring him, I hate him, etc. HE broke up with ME and he just doesn't realize the implications of this situation! HE said some really cruel things last time we spoke that made me feel his contact with me was nothing more than an obligation, out of pity, and that it's been nothing but easy for him to move on.

 

I love this guy. I really do, but he is so emotionally immature and unaware it's staggering. And our break-up has really shown me this. Which is awful, because it means I can't fix anything. I can't do anything but wait for him to hopefully grow up. And go on with my life that feels like its been snapped in half and try to overcome the utter disgust I feel about being with anyone else.

 

Anyways, I will be contacting him. When/how/for what purpose I'm not sure. I'm angry and there's a lot I'm going to say, somehow. About his immaturity, his lack of perception, his lack of emotional attachment to everyone, his twisted idea of being a grown-up, and the fact that he always takes the easy way out and continues to not comprehend the fact that everyone in his life is not there as a convinience and we will eventually stop seeking him out when we get no affection or effort in return. I have so much to say, but I'm still wondering if I should.

 

As for the wedding, if our friends DO invite him, I think he should go. It's not like our interaction needs to be much more than minimal and it will be in a group setting. Will it be easy or really accomplish anything? No, not really. Part of me just wants him to go through the strain, the obligation. to NOT let him take the easy way out.

 

So I'll contact him soon, I don't know how or when, I'm still thinking. I'm so out of sorts, so confused, it's crazy. This is like dealing with a child's logic.

 

I'm sorry to be so freaked out this weekend. I wish I could even half really explain how bizarre this situation and my ex's actions and words have been.

[francis]

I think you have identified already that you need to work out what you want.

If by still loving him it means you are hoping for a reconciliation, i think telling him that you want him to leave is the wrong message to be sending out.

 

He's looking at the break-up from a very selfish point of view. The only person he appears to be concerned about is himself and the impact of things on himself.

 

If he lacks confidence, he will just think your non-response to his attempts at contacting you, means that you are well and truly over him.

 

I suggest that pursuit in communication with this guy should only be with the aim of reconciliation, if this is what you desire. And be blunt and straight up about that, and aim to sit down for a sensible, open conversation with him, reviewing the time apart to see if there is a way to work it out. Otherwise, do your best to be moving on quickly.

 

My point is, don't fall into the trap of ego-feeding. Perhaps his nose is bent out of shape, because from where he's standing, you seem to have recovered from the break-up very quickly. He would obviously prefer it if you were begging him to take you back, 24/7.

 

Your awareness and clarity about his emotional failings is a great power in this situation. You seem to be a very intelligent person, and the contrast with your behaviour to his is huge. Think about that before deciding whether he is worth any more of your emotional turmoil.

[KittenMoon]

He has made it clear in the past he want's no reconciliation, at least not for a long time. Nothing he's said in his emails has asked me to come back in any way. And he knows I haven't gotten over this because last time he saw me I was a mess.

 

What I don't get is that he seems to think we can "downgrade" our relationship to something more platonic so quickly. And no matter how hard I have tried it seems like he just hasn't comprehended how much the things he has done and said have hurt me, how deeply wounded I have been. Hours of talking to him and about 15,000 written words have still not gotten through the issues- what has hurt me, what I need apologies for, etc. It's BAFFLING.

 

This isn't head games, it's like some link between actions and emotions in his head simply doesn't work. I don't know, it's hard to explain.

[In Sync]

KM,

You are parlayzed with anxiety. Anxiety is worrying and in fear about future events. The unknown. The fear of running into him. That means all you positive enrgy is draining you. You feel powerless. You know already that he has little interest in reconciliation, so if you decide to call him..do it because you want control of you anxiety about him. Spending too much time in trying to change his mind or figure out what is going through is head..I ask you how does this help you? It doesn't. If he writes you wishy washy e-mails, so what he's not losing here. He keeps you at bay. Great. He keeps you strung along and strung out. Talk to him. AND get what's on your mind out. Therefore you'll have left no stone unturned.

[KittenMoon]

I know and I am going to contact him. It's just so difficult. Things a regular person would say and ways they would act seem to mean totally different things when he says them. It's like puzzling out a secret code.

 

I'm so drained. All I want is to be happy with him again, and yet this isn't what I want at all. I feel like the only thing that would make me happy is to be in his arms and feeling him love me again, but somewhere along the line I think I grew up and he didn't, hence this major emotional divide.

[KittenMoon]

I think I've decided to send him a letter again. His attention span and comprehension is so low, especially when under stress, that I think the only way I feel confident anything will get through is if he has a physical item to read and re-read. At the end of said letter I will ask him to get toegther, in order to get the shock over before the wedding (providing he's going).

 

Guess I've got some work to do tonight.