my husband developed feelings for another woman

[punkins_mama]

Hello, I am new to this whole thing, but I am looking for some advice, objective support, insight, whatever to help me cope a little better with what is going on.

 

Here's the story. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have been together for 9. We have a two year-old little boy and I am seven months pregnant with a baby girl that we tried very hard for (after a miscarriage). We have always had a really solid relationship. We have strong communication, affection, love, intimacy, etc. Our friends and family have told us that they thought we were "unbreakable".

 

My husband and I work for the same software company, I in marketing and he in technical support. About 2 months ago, he was assigned a client to work with that needed special help with some problems they were having with the software. This client is in another state, about 11 hours away. The lady who was put in charge of the product was in contstant contact with my husband. They started off just chatty friends. In fact, he would often tell me of their conversations and tell me a lot about her. I have NEVER been a jealous person and have every bit of trust in my husband, so naturally, I thought nothing of their conversations. Then he stopped telling me about their conversations and the subject just died. Again, I thought nothing of it. Until one night we were watching the Cubs game I noticed him chatting online, which he rarely does. I jokingly commented, "Are you talking to your giiiiiiiiirlfriend?" (as I have done many times before) He snapped back at me, "She is NOT my girlfriend, don't call her that." I was in complete shock. He never spoke to me like that and never had he been so offensive about a joke that had been said so many times before. The next day, the suspicion was overwhelming and I did something that I still regret. I have domain admin rights at work and I broke into his email account and confirmed my fears. He had been talking to her day in and day out and the conversations were very emotional and leaning on the verge of love. I was devastated. I approached him about it and he buckled. He said he was relieved that I knew, embarrassed and ashamed at what he had done and was so confused he didn't know what to do. He barely knows this girl and has never seen her face to face. He said he wanted to go to counseling and he was so confused as to why and how he allowed himself to get to this point when he has always been so in control of his feelings.

 

This all hit the fan about two weeks ago. We have had a lot of heart to heart's and we have started seeing a counselor which has helped so far, but we both know we have a long way to go. He tells me that he is 100% committed to our marriage and our children, but yet he cannot seem to get her out of his head. He still has to talk with her about work, and he has told her everything about us and what his intentions are, but yet he can't stop talking to her. She consistently agrees with him that he should work things out with me and that she can't live with the idea of potentially breaking up a family, yet she can't stop "professing her love" to him via email. (which, by the way, he does not reciprocate at all) Since this has all started, the conversations they do have are rather innocent, at least on his part. They talk about movies, music, innocent things. She continues to tell him that she is "thinking about him" and she "misses him" which infuriates me, but he does not say anything of the sort back to her.

 

My problem is, I'm not sure how to feel. On one hand, I want to trust that he does, in fact, love me and our children and want to work things out. But on the other hand, I can't stop thinking about the fact that they are talking (innocent or not) and that she is still in his thoughts. I continue to be tempted to read his email to find out what is going on (which I admitted to him and he knows about). I don't want that temptation. I don't want to be jealous because I hate what it is doing to me. I want to trust him like I always have, but it is so hard when my emotions and my faith in my husband has been hurt so badly. Does anyone have advice as to what I should do? Am I doing anything wrong? Should I trust that he will eventually stop talking to her and someday this will be a memory? Is it just going to take time? Should I be concerned that he will leave me and my children? I just need some support....

[Delectable]

You are in therapy...so I would focus on communication and his lying by omission about this infidelity going on. I am of the camp that cheating does not have to be physical and he was emotionally cheating on you with her.

 

Is there ANY way someone else at your place of business can handle his account. I hope so because this will not go away until he has no contact with her....

 

I am very very sorry.

[Toni_no12002]

I think the only way this will go away is for him to break all contact off with her.Its sounds like lust as people dont fall in love like this.People often mistake lust for love.Lust is when you cant stop thinkning of someone whereas love is where you love them warts and all.