rossm Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I'm a MM who has been having a short affiar (a few months) with a MW. My relationship with wife has slowly deteriorated over the past 8 years, but I wasn't looking to have an affair. The affiar found me. OW was having major marital difficulties and was looking around for what else was out there. She came across me by accident, we really hit it off, both emotionally and physically. Our feelings for each other are very strong, but we each do not want to leave our spouses. We spend a lot of time IMing, occasionally talk on the phone, and get together discretely on a regular basis for coffee or drinks or intimacy. best friend of OW is also having an affair, but is using it as a tool against her husband (she conveniently left clues for him to find out). Their marriage is now on the rocks (probably by design), it is ugly, and OW has essentially become the counselor for both sides. Seeing how bad it is for the friends must have brought about the fear of OW losing her own marriage. Yesterday, OW told me that she still loved me, but the guilt had gotten to her. She wants to continue a relationship with me just like we had, but without the sex and intimacy. The classic "let's just just be friends" line. Essentially, OW dumped me. And it hurt, because I still desire her both emotionally and physically. I don't get it. Why keep an affair going but downgrade it to simply an emotional one? Can someone offer insight into this? Also, and the big question. Can we "just be friends" now that we've crossed the line? Will I get over my physical desires for her? She claims to still have them also, but the guilt is keeping them in check. I still care about her, but she really hurt me. She expects everything to be the same as before, just without the intimacy. But in talking with her since she dropped the bomb, it doesn't feel the same to me. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Mmmm.... I guess everyone is different. For me, my exMM asked if I could remain friends. Truthfully, my feelings were so deep, I knew it wasn't possible. I also felt that him asking me to remain friends was because he would still have his "foot in the door" so to speak! Another manipulation technique. Being in an A is nothing like any other kind of relationship. I have to say no. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I still desire her both emotionally and physically... Can we "just be friends" now that we've crossed the line? Do you think you can just 'be friends' with her..? With all that hurt and desire you hold? Just because that's what she wants (and guilt can stop us doing a lot of things, can't it..?) doesn't mean it would be possible for you. I'm friends with a few of my exes. I live with one of them! But... I wasn't ever hurt by them, and I don't have any desire for them any longer (didn't while we were still in the R... which is why they ended). So yes, I think it's possible to be friends with exes... as long as you don't want more... anything else will just leave you feeling hurt and frustrated. jmho. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 The 'just be friends' cry is standard for any WS (wayward spouse) after the affair comes out in the open. My wife went through this as well. It's simply a method to try to find some way to keep the other person in your life in some fashion... And from my personal experience as well as everything I've read says that there is NO WAY that this can happen if there is any intent to maintain the marriage. It's not uncommon for an affair to kick back up even years later because the affair partners remained in contact. Have you told your wife about this affair? Do you intend to remain married yourself? Personally, I think your best bet would be to completely break contact with your affair partner, and work on either repairing the marriage you've got, or work on ending it. Your ability to maintain a 'normal' relationship ended with her the moment it crossed the line over into an affair. Fix the relationship you've already got...or end it before you worry about your future relationship with your affair partner. Just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rossm Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Hmmm. Do you really think she's trying to simply put me on the shelf for a while while the storm blows over with her friend? When we talk, she keeps stressing the point that she still has physical desires for me but feels too guilty to go back there. Oddly enough, when we last met in person and she dropped the news on me, she told me that "you need to help me be strong about this decision, because I can be really weak." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 "you need to help me be strong about this decision, because I can be really weak." If you really do love her, then DO as she asks. It will be hard for both of you but it has to be done. She wants the affair to be over and has feelings of guilt about it. To me, that's a good sign. Please respect her wishes and leave her alone. DO your part in this, do not email/call/see her. Make it be over so each of you can fix your marriages and go on to be happy with your spouses. You cannot be friends with someone that you were involved with like that. It's exactly like keeping intouch with an ex! Just isn't healthy and it serves no purpose. Good luck and please, focus on your wife and fix what is broken in your own marriage. Find out why you had to have your needs met by another woman and why your wife couldn't be the only one in your heart. Marriage counselling is a good start... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I've got to re-iterate here... I've not heard anything about what you're doing with your OWN marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 PS: there are more responses to your thread in the Infidelity section. I hope you read those as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rossm Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Unfortunately, probably not enough. Which is probably why I was vulnerable to being drawn into an A. Things had slipped so slowly, I didn't see it happening, and I just became complacent with the situation. This situation has really opened my eyes that I need to address the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 The only way now to address the issues is to detach emotionally from the MW. You have to do this to save your marriage, otherwise it won't stand a chance. You can't be complacent forever - That isn't fair to you or your wife. She actually may know something isn't right but isn't saying ... I'm sure she wouldn't be surprised to find out that you've had an affair...I bet the signs are there already infront her face. Please think about telling her so then the truth is out in the open. Give her a chance to decide if the marriage is worth saving or not. Also, by doing this, it gives you a real chance of making it right and doing all you can to regain her trust and faith in you again. Do you love your wife? Do you want your marriage to work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rossm Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 You can't be complacent forever - That isn't fair to you or your wife. I agree. If that's how it's going to be, then what's the point. Like I said, it happened so slowly that I never consciously noticed the change. Eventually it all seemed normal. Do you love your wife? Do you want your marriage to work out? Yes, and yes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 That's good to hear. So, the MW telling you the affair is over is a good thing for you and your marriage. Try your best to get over her and deal with that loss in a healthy way. The less you think of her, the less you'll care which means YOU will be in control of your feelings and not slip back into old habits. It's crucial that you don't have ANY contact with her. As I said before, if it is over, then it serves no purpose to keep intouch. She isn't and can't be "just" a friend. I think deep down you know this too. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 You love your wife, you want your marriage to work out, but you still desire your OW emotionally and physically. Sorry to be blunt, but. Have you heard of 'cake eating'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rossm Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 no, what's cake eating? Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Cake eating is when a married person wants their M partner and another person too. Link to post Share on other sites
Teag Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I'm sorry, not trying to be completely rude, but I recently found out my H had been cheating on me, only for a month & no sex involved but if I heard or found anything indicating what your saying he would be out the door so fast. He's lucky I didn't in the first place. And he has gone completely NC w/ the slut. I'm sorry but comments like make me sick. If you truely love your wife you wouldn't continuing, I understand with some people: it just kinda falls in your lap so to say but when you come to your senses & want it to continue, thats just horrible. Do you wife a favor & leave her, so she can go ahead & get over you & move on with her life, she desearves so much better. P.S. When I found out my H had an affair although only an emotional one it tore me apart, I have never felt pain like that before. If there would have been sex involved there would be no hope for reconciliation. Think about how your wife is going to feel & how you would feel if you were in her shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Teag... "Slut"???????? *looks around* I don't see any of those around here! I gotta tell you, I have been on both sides of the fence, and until you can actually experience what the OW goes through, DON'T JUDGE! Because truth be known, it is much more painful to fall as the OW, than the W!!! AND!! 98% of the time is does fall into the OW lap!! Its the H that needs a good "smack upside the head".!! *walks away* Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Ah don't mind... we can get called 'slut' on this board and no mod will come to save us. Whatever Teag... go and live your own life. I am sure living mine, for what it's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Teag Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Teag... "Slut"???????? *looks around* I don't see any of those around here! I gotta tell you, I have been on both sides of the fence, and until you can actually experience what the OW goes through, DON'T JUDGE! Because truth be known, it is much more painful to fall as the OW, than the W!!! AND!! 98% of the time is does fall into the OW lap!! Its the H that needs a good "smack upside the head".!! *walks away* Ah don't mind... we can get called 'slut' on this board and no mod will come to save us. Whatever Teag... go and live your own life. I am sure living mine, for what it's worth. Didn't mean to offend anyone BUT considering MY H OW, she WAS a slut considering she Knew he was married & knows ME, has played with my daughter & KNOWS I'm pregnant with our 2nd child, so all of you OW may not be sluts BUT this one was. & I assured you it is ALOT more painful for the WIFE considering she was the one betrayed NOT the OW UNLESS she didn't know going into it he was married. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Whatever, Teag... you should take your story to the Infidelity boards on this forum, or SurvivingInfidelity.com. etc. You can go On and On and On and name call all you like. We didn't have sex or fall for your dumbass husband... so go and tell someone who gives a s***e. byeeee. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Teag... "Slut"???????? *looks around* I don't see any of those around here! I *looks carefully at Teag's post* doesn't see anyone "around here" called a slut - - in fact, sees a very specific reference to an individual in Teag's real life that she has every right to have negative feelings about. Sheeesh... that's going too far on the whole "we OW are attacked" old tired story. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Didn't mean to offend anyone BUT considering MY H OW, she WAS a slut considering she Knew he was married & knows ME, has played with my daughter & KNOWS I'm pregnant with our 2nd child, so all of you OW may not be sluts BUT this one was. & I assured you it is ALOT more painful for the WIFE considering she was the one betrayed NOT the OW UNLESS she didn't know going into it he was married. I don't thing we should argue about who hurts more. I think we should all agree that we are all on this forum because all hurt... probably equally so, but the pain we feel as an OW is indeed very different from the BS. Teag, I remember your story. I hope things are going better in your marriage. Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Teag..... I'm still not liking the "Judgement". I would be asking you H some questions.... Like why is she still hanging around?? I can bet my last dollar, he's keeping her there! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 *looks carefully at Teag's post* doesn't see anyone "around here" called a slut - - in fact, sees a very specific reference to an individual in Teag's real life that she has every right to have negative feelings about. Sheeesh... that's going too far on the whole "we OW are attacked" old tired story. Hmm... I think we've all gone off on a tangent here... so any input on the original question by the original poster? I've said my piece... I vote 'NO'. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Zara.... I agree, I stand to be corrected! Everyone is different and pain cannot be measured. I just get a little twisted when it comes to "Judgement". Link to post Share on other sites
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