Author rossm Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 what's an OP? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 OP original poster/original post. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneyHeart Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 No contact is the only way that it ends for either of you. Were you or are you best friends? What is so special about OW that W can't be? You have to make a choice W or OW- cake eating hurts everyone. And, having been there, even when she "dumps" you- she still wants you, it really is the guilt. You should love her more for it and let her go- the friends thing will never work. Call her back when you are divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Call her back when you are divorced. She's married too. She's the one who called off the affair because she was feeling guilty - Though she wants to keep intouch as "friends". Meaning, have the emotional affair with no sex. Not sure if you read the whole thread or not, so giving him the advice to call her when he is divorced won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneyHeart Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 oops- he just sounded SO FAMILIAR- that I forgot or discounted the part of the story that she was also married! I guess we all give advice based on our own situations, but I will learn to remember the facts! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rossm Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 Update - Thanks for all of the advice from everybody. After a lot of thought as well as great input from those that have been there themselves, I decided to go NC. And, I've begun to talk to my spouse about the issues in our relationship that we should have discussed years ago. It's going to take time, but it felt good. Trying to go NC didn't go over too well today. I thought that she deserved to hear my request in person (well, over IM anyway), rather than just sending a Dear John (Jane?) email. She's in a similar situation as me and claimed to care for me, so I was hoping that my request would be amicable. No way. I barely got one sentence out and she went ballistic on me. Called me every 4 letter word in the book. Made ME feel guilty for wanting to pull back/out. Ironically, I was supposed to accept her desire to pull back last week like nothing was different. I'm the bad guy here? I didn't want it to be this way. Didn't want to hurt her. I capitulated. In hindsight, I never should have done that. She stormed off. Maybe that was the end. Later, she left me an offline message that was a very terse "goodbye". I figured, OK, that really was the end. It felt kind-of good. Cleansing. Tonight (about 10 hours later) she came online again (IM) and started out saying, "Hey, how's it going," as if everything was OK. I ignored her. She left about 3 more sentences and then logged out. We'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 rossm good for you,you did the right thing.telling her in person..or im while communicating in real time anyway was for the best...she was hurt but it sounds like she wants things on her terms only and that isn't fair to you either. good luck working on your marriage Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 rossm good for you,you did the right thing.telling her in person..or im while communicating in real time anyway was for the best...she was hurt but it sounds like she wants things on her terms only and that isn't fair to you either. good luck working on your marriage Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 And try not to worry about what she is doing. You will never be able to make things right with her. Work on your marriage. You told her what you want and now you have to stick to your guns. Going over it and over it will just make it go on forever. She's trying to get a response from you each time she IMs you or e-mails you. If it keeps up, you respond one more time and make it clear. Then you will have done all you could do. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Update - Thanks for all of the advice from everybody. After a lot of thought as well as great input from those that have been there themselves, I decided to go NC. And, I've begun to talk to my spouse about the issues in our relationship that we should have discussed years ago. It's going to take time, but it felt good. Trying to go NC didn't go over too well today. I thought that she deserved to hear my request in person (well, over IM anyway), rather than just sending a Dear John (Jane?) email. She's in a similar situation as me and claimed to care for me, so I was hoping that my request would be amicable. No way. I barely got one sentence out and she went ballistic on me. Called me every 4 letter word in the book. Made ME feel guilty for wanting to pull back/out. Ironically, I was supposed to accept her desire to pull back last week like nothing was different. I'm the bad guy here? I didn't want it to be this way. Didn't want to hurt her. I capitulated. In hindsight, I never should have done that. She stormed off. Maybe that was the end. Later, she left me an offline message that was a very terse "goodbye". I figured, OK, that really was the end. It felt kind-of good. Cleansing. Tonight (about 10 hours later) she came online again (IM) and started out saying, "Hey, how's it going," as if everything was OK. I ignored her. She left about 3 more sentences and then logged out. We'll see what happens. You are doing the least cruel thing to both of you. You are not the bad guy and she's the one who is now finding it hard to let go, but it will work out in the end. If she wants to stay in her marriage and you in yours, then you are doing much good by staying away... Keep reminding yourself of that and you will be able to move on. Good luck Ross! Link to post Share on other sites
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