Hurt about comment regarding my breasts

[cynthia77]

I’m going through a very hurtful situation and would appreciate any advice at all. For as long as I can remember, I haven’t been happy with my breasts. They’re quite large but not perky at all. I also have very large nipples. I just hate them altogether. I’ve looked into breast lifts but they’re not in my budget unfortunately. I’m only in my mid-twenties and can't ever remember them being perky. They don’t sag right down to the floor but they’re definitely not what you see in the movies or in magazines. I’m not overweight either … I’m average size ... so it has nothing to do with that.

 

I’ve always felt self-conscious about them. I’ve never been 100% comfortable naked in front of anyone up until I met my current boyfriend. We’ve been dating for about a year (and have a baby on the way). He always expressed how much he loves my breasts and how much they turn him on, etc.

 

After meeting with my prenatal doctor a few weeks ago, she suggested that I start wearing a bra to bed so that I don’t get stretch marks on my breasts (because breasts can get quite large during pregnancy). I’ve been doing that and, the other night in bed, my boyfriend said something that completely took me by surprise. He said “are you going to apologize to me for not wearing a bra to bed all these years … your breasts wouldn’t sag so much.” In horror I replied “I thought you didn’t mind that they weren’t perky?”. And he said “I don't … if they were perky all the guys would be after you.”

 

I didn’t know how to react. I told him I had to go in the washroom and sat in there and cried for over 10 minutes before he came to see what was taking me so long. He seemed genuinely concerned and felt awful that he hurt me. He claims he was just joking around with me but he really hit a sensitive spot. What do you take from all of this? Any advice would be appreciated. I haven’t been comfortable naked around him since …

[Pink_Tulip]

I have just finished reading all your posts, and honestly, are there any GOOD things about this guy? Cuz I even tried reading between the lines and still couldn't find any. He cheats on you, is a compulsive liar, is worried more about you stretching after childbirth than your health or your child, and makes fun of a part of your body he knew you were self conscious about.

[Fun2BMe]

That is one of the meanest comments your husband could say to you especially during your pregnancy. I am so sorry for you.

[laRubiaBonita]

That is one of the meanest comments your husband could say to you especially during your pregnancy. I am so sorry for you.

 

luckily, it is JUST her boyfriend.

 

i dunno, how does he feel about the whole pregnancy thing?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I really believe that he meant that as a joke... though it was not a very funny one. If you love him, try not to let the joke bother you too much. I can totally see it as a tease/joke. My husband will tease me sometimes but he doesn't do it anymore. Why? I reminded him firmly every time he made a mean joke with a frown and cuss words. (He'd then say, "but it's only a joke" to which I reply, do you like me cussing as a joke?) What I am saying is this: do not break down when he makes nasty jokes. Instead, make it known to him immediately how you feel - by being a little nasty yourself. Works for me.

[Vega]

"Remember when you asked me if I was going to apologize for not wearing a bra? I thought about that a lot and decided that I don't need to apologize since you have never apologized for your shortcomings in bed."

[honeybunch2k5]

I don't think he realized how rude and insensitive he was being. I don't think guys realize how some women have problems with his body. Tell him. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to say something along the lines of , "Honey, is that another belly button or your winkie?" or something along those lines. For example, I dated a guy who used to call me jiggly butt; i'm sure he had no idea how some women could be offended by that.

[Fun2BMe]

Unless he has half a brain, he knew that comment would hurt her feelings and sure enough it did. I don't think they just met for the first time that night. He should know how far to take his comments. I think he wanted to break down her confidence and it worked. He doesn't sound like a gentleman to me. I'd be in the bathroom crying too. And of course he is going to come and apologize, but he already accomplished his sick idea of a joke.

[ImWithHim]

I don't think he realized how rude and insensitive he was being. I don't think guys realize how some women have problems with his body. Tell him. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to say something along the lines of , "Honey, is that another belly button or your winkie?" or something along those lines. For example, I dated a guy who used to call me jiggly butt; i'm sure he had no idea how some women could be offended by that.

 

Exactly. I suspect he meant it as a joke, but did not realize how harsh it sounded. This is not to say I'm demeaning how the OP feels. I personally would have been rather hurt too! I just think guys do not understand the way our brains work (since they don't have them ), so if he really seemed sincere in his apology I would try to move past it and explain that it was very hurtful and to please refrain from saying things like that in the future. It likely sounded funny in his head.

 

My little brother has a rather offensive nickname for his girlfriend that she loves. The first time I heard him refer to a part of her body the way he did, I was horrified that he'd said that, and even more horrified when she laughed. On the off chance that either of them reads this forum (lol) I won't say what the name is because it's one of a kind...really. But suffice to say, what some people think is offensive others do not. And yes, his would (in my eyes) be considered an insult, but they think it's adorable for some reason....

[JackJack]

I read your other post about him worrying if you will be loose after the baby is born. He is a little to preoccupied with how your body is or is going to be. If he says these hurtful things now, I can't imagine what he will say when this new baby arrives. You're already self conscience, after having a baby your hormones will be out whack for awhile, so you will probably be in a vulnerable state, which seems to me like the perfect opporunity for him to make such comments. It might be time to rethink why you're with him.

[Kenyth]

Sounds like a real piece of work to me. That's a very mean thing to say and I think he fully well knew it unless he was drunk.

[Presario]

Cynthia77,

 

They don’t sag right down to the floor but they’re definitely not what you see in the movies or in magazines.

 

Don't worry about them and don't trust them. First, it's these guys job to look great. Second, their pictures are retouched. Have a look here for examples:

 

http://www.glennferon.com/portfolio1/

[carmaenforcer]

Don't kid yourself, your Boy Friend obviously has a problem with how he treats you. It's ok if you wish to stay with him anyway but don't kid yourself if you want things to get better. My Wife had a problem with respecting others, me especially. She just wasn't raised right, but I took it upon myself to correct her bad behavior and re-condition her to fit in with what I need my partner to be.

The process can be a slow one because since usually the person having to change more than likely doesn't feel a need to on their own, it's up to you to force the issue without them freaking out. What I have found to work best is for me, is giving them "a taste of their own medicine". Usually people doing bad only enjoy it when their the ones dishing it out, like the bullies that they are, they never can take it when done to them. A few suggestions though, try to wait a few days after they hurt you before doing something to them. When in full ass-hole mode they have their guard up and not vulnerable enough to get the most out of you payback. Also, a good time to let them have it, is when they are either feeling loving or when they're down this is when they least expect you to hurt them and so it's the best time to do it. Pay attention and find out what you BF's weaknesses are, what is he insecure about, scared of, that kind of thing and then use this knowledge to plan your attack. remember it's a battle to liberate the good guy he hopefully has inside by killing the ass hole that is holding him hostage, just know that sometime after you kill off the ass hole there might not be nothing left inside.

[PandorasBox]

Completely uncalled for. I do believe he knew what he was saying. Its a control tactic to make you feel like total crap about yourself so you will be dependent only on him and feel you're not worthy to ever leave him while he sits on his ass making these commets. It wont get better.

[carmaenforcer]

Completely uncalled for. I do believe he knew what he was saying. Its a control tactic to make you feel like total crap about yourself so you will be dependent only on him and feel you're not worthy to ever leave him while he sits on his ass making these commets. It wont get better.

 

PandorasBox is absolutely right about it being a control tactic. I don't know where they learn it but these types of people think that if you feel like crap about yourself that you will stay right where you are and obey, but you let him keep thinking that if he wants but you take care not be become a victim. He will see your true strength soon enough. Remember you women invented head games you should be able to turn this around to work in your favor. Insult his libido, or penis size, he'll drop like a bag of dirt.

[Bob Dole]

With moderately due respect to the prior posters, most of them could not be more wrong.

 

Us me are, for want of a better term, terminally stupid.

 

What he said was doltish and insensitive, but almost certainly said without intent to hurt you.

 

How do I know? Simple: as a basic rule, if a man knows the actual impact of what he's about to say - he won't say it.

 

I couldn't count on a thousand fingers the number of times I've been accused of being insensitive when, in fact, I was kidding .. or joking ... or teasing ... or simply being stupid.

 

Trust me on this: I know exactly the things (and the body parts) that will hurt my lover if I comment on them - thus I never comment on them. If I say something stupid about her body parts, its probably because I LIKE those particular parts and can't imagine why my comments would be hurtful.

 

Then again, maybe your man is an evil bastard. It's possible.

 

But if he's a typical man ... he's probably just being stupid, rather than intentionally hurtful.

 

In my own case, I'm still catching flak for a months old comment about my lady's hips. Of course, I happen to think her curvaceous hips are the sexiest things I've ever seen.

 

So you can imagine my surprise when my comment was taken as hurtful.

 

I wasn't hurtful. Just insensitive and stupid.

 

At least give your guy the benefit of the doubt. Find out if he's stupid before you castrate him.

[Pink_Tulip]

Bob- any other time I'd agree with you on this, but taking into consideration her other posts about this guy, I think it was his way of knocking down her self esteem for control. He has been a compulsive liar, cheater, and caused her undo stress while she is pregnant. I am voting for him being a jerk.

[Kenyth]

PandorasBox is absolutely right about it being a control tactic. I don't know where they learn it but these types of people think that if you feel like crap about yourself that you will stay right where you are and obey, but you let him keep thinking that if he wants but you take care not be become a victim. He will see your true strength soon enough. Remember you women invented head games you should be able to turn this around to work in your favor. Insult his libido, or penis size, he'll drop like a bag of dirt.

 

 

Sadly, it's probably because they themselves were treated that way while growing up. Belittling and insulting to establish control is a common dysfunctional disciplinary tactic, especially from fathers to boys. It's hard as hell to break this habit. Even after you recognize it, you can still find yourself doing it.

[carmaenforcer]

Sadly, it's probably because they themselves were treated that way while growing up. Belittling and insulting to establish control is a common dysfunctional disciplinary tactic, especially from fathers to boys. It's hard as hell to break this habit. Even after you recognize it, you can still find yourself doing it.

 

This is so true in my case for I witnessed my Wife's Mother and Grandmother belittling her in front of anyone in an attempt to manipulate, steer her in a certain direction. Yeah, unfortunately the person that ends up with the person with childhood issues sometime has to try to undo some of the damage done by the parents.

[IrishRod]

Everyone has issues with their bodies that they would like to change. As much as we are all different we are all the same. Your BF should realize not everyone can be an airbrushed model in a mag.