from 24/7 to LDR

[je andre]

my partner and i have been in a relationship for 7 years now. but last 6 months ago i left the country to work abroad as a nurse. recently he told me that he cant do it anymore. im really bothered by the fact that we have a good foundation and yet that is not enough to hold us together thru this ordeal. i am deeply hurt that hed rather have nothing of us than a small piece of us. please help me. i dont know what im suppose to do. should i fight for us when he himself is not willing to anymore? how can i just let go?

[Scott S]

Sorry to hear about this. This must be hard for both of you.

 

Time together is vital for a relationship to work. The hardest thing for the troops deployed overseas is being away from their loved one.

 

Some more information would be helpful, though. Did you discuss this with him before accepting the position? Did he concur with this, or was it your sole decision, dictated to him?

 

Also, how much longer will you be overseas? A few more months? A few more years? Indefinitely?

[je andre]

from the moment we started going out he knows that time will come that i will be migrating to another country. 3 years ago i thought i was gonna leave the country already but decided to finish my nursing career in my home country. until last year we thought that our relationship has no chance to last. but last june when he visited us, he was offered a job. he reapplied for a working visa and got closed out so he reapplied again this year. meanwhile im already here in us. so there is a chance for us to be together come september if he gets his working visa. but recently he stated an ultimatum and put our relationship on the line. he said that if he doesnt get the visa that his calling it quits. i know its hard for the both of us but i cant understand how his love for me can be conditional. we have plans of gettting married a year or so from now. and even if he doesnt get his working visa, if we wait for about a year or two if we get married as planned we can be together because automatically he will get the same status as i have for being my spouse. but of course i know that it is easier said than done. ive been reading about long distance relationships and how it can work. there has to be like a definitie time frame for the separation period. and i think thats our major problem. you see it would be so easy to get married but we feel that were both young and that were just starting out on our career. to get married just so he can work here is diff from getting married a year from now or 2 after he gets his working visa. because on the latter he has established something for himself alone, on the other hand the former well that would mean that he has not made something for himself. and i think to be in a relationship you have to feel that youre complete as a person and that you have achieved something. but with both of us starting our career it make things more complicated plus the distance is just too much. it would be prefect if hes just in another state and we could visit each other monthly. but hes in the philippines now and im in the stAtes. at most what we could do is visit each other once a year. im even pushing him to see other people. i dont know anymore. i want to fight for this relationship but how can i do that. i asked him, do you love me and stayed with me for 7 years because you liked the setup? (we were so perfect, we fight all the time but petty fights and one that makes the relationship funny and exciting but nothing that really keep us apart) or does he love me in the full sense of love? and he answered... i dont know, i never thought about it. in the 7 years that weve been together, this would be our 2nd biggest problem. the first one was irrelevant in the sense that it happened on our 2nd year together. that was so long ago. how am i suppose to go through this relationship till spetember when i know that already he has made a decision on whats gonna happen to our future? and much as i want to fight for it, i cant do it alone. and i dont know where to stand. i cant put a name to how i am feeling. hes staying with me till september comes, but if he doesnt get his visa hes calling it quits. and i know it because he has told me so. what am i suppose to do? i wish that i was a horrible partner and that it was something that i can change or anything. buti cant.

[Fun2BMe]

That is a sad situation and I feel bad for you. You'd think the person you love would sacrifice to the same degree you would for each other. He doesn't want to be with you if he can't get a visa when there are alternative ways you can eventually be together down the road? He is taking you and your love for granted. Since he is with you until September, why don't you see if he is bluffing and go along with it. You can say if we are eventually going to separate then I want to do it now instead of investing any more time and feelings into our relationship. It will be more painful if you stay with me any longer. I don't want our relationship and your love and your willingness to be with me to be based on a stupid visa and if that is how you see it, then you are not the person who I thought you were. That makes no sense for him to be selfish and not unconditionally loving towards you. He is not willing to make any sacrifice such as being apart for a year if in the end he could eventually marry you and be together for the rest of your lives. He is willing to lose you. Once he says it is over, you will eventually meet and fall in love with another man and he is willing to let that happen. Be strong and speak up and you set the boundaries.

[je andre]

thank you guys. your comments are helping me a lot. and in fact before you even mentioned it, i have already been thinking about taking a step back in our relationship and to give him the chance and the time to reevaluate his feelings, his goals and his desires for our future. i know that if i stay with him for the next few months i would be shortchanging myself. and yet i love him so much that i am willing to do that. however youre comments and the fact that you have affirmed what is on my mind is givng me strength and the courage to do this.

[je andre]

ive done it. that was one of the toughest things i had to do. when you take a step back from a relationship how do you go about it? no communication and all?

[Scott S]

ive done it. that was one of the toughest things i had to do. when you take a step back from a relationship how do you go about it? no communication and all?

 

A lot depends on how well each handles the break-up. The general consenus here is that discontinuing communication (no contact or NC) is best, as it makes for a cleaner break, you aren't leading each other on, raising false hopes of reconciling, etc.

 

As painful as this may have been, better to learn these things about the other now instead of later, before having invested too much time & youth in a failnig relationship.

[Fun2BMe]

Good for you. You will have more respect for yourself and it won't be as hurtful once he "dumps" you because of the visa. You shouldn't put yourself in a situation where the person you are in love with is willing to let go when there is a solution to the "problem." It may be that he wants to break up anyways and is using the visa as an excuse because it is hard to digest how after such a long and loving relationship he is willing to give up because of a short period when you will be apart, especially when you gave him the option to date others during that period if that would still keep him with you and he turned that down too.

 

To answer your question, I would say as little contact as possible but not to cut him off completely. The best scenerio will be that he will realize he still wants to be with you in spite of anything that happens with the visa. Things may turn out well I am hoping.

[je andre]

The best scenerio will be that he will realize he still wants to be with you in spite of anything that happens with the visa. Things may turn out well I am hoping.

 

any other tips on how i go about this goal, make him realize that he wants me? weve covered the communication... or its something i have to let him realize on his own... but is there anything that i can do? do i show him how much im missing him? do i act as if im moving on? when we would talk its like nothing happened... and at the end of every conversation i would have to tell him not to forget why were doing this in the first place. and he himself said that hes comfortable with the situation. im confused. and i didnt want him to feel comfortable with the situation.

[Fun2BMe]

Oh no, you can't make him feel comfortable with this situation. Otherwise, what is the point of it? You have to stop your communication with him. Let him think you are going out with other men. If he asks why you are no longer talking to him, tell him that it makes it harder for you to move on to meet someone new since you are now over with him. If he calls, don't answer most of the time and when you do, be very brief like you are busy or have somewhere you have to be. Let me be curious what you are up to and give him an opportunity to miss you and realize what will be the case with his decision to no longer be with you. Right now he knows you are into him and that you will be there whenever HE feels like being with you. Be strong and don't talk to him or be with him like before. Only very occassionally.