The most stupid person on earth

[BRANCIS]

I fell in love back in 2001 with the smartest, most handsome, most talented man, most romantic and most charming man I have ever met. The first outing was meant to get to know another young person (fresh out of school) at work...but it turned into a date. He wanted children, and he wanted to build his own house in the woods; just like me. I had been unhappily dating around trying to get over someone I had loved in college. He was still heartbroken over his college ex. We had exactly the same sense of humor. We clicked or so I thought...

Before the night ended he scared me away because I sensed he wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted sex...and my previous relationships had not been sexual. So I waited...for a year. I watched, listened and one day just after I had given up all hope...he followed me home. We sat and talked and decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend...he made me decide. Then we kissed, nothing outrageous, nothing crazy just a nice kiss. After a few weeks of emails and helping each other with the homes we just purchased (separately) we dated and one night on his birthday we had sex. It wasn't anything special, it wasn't anything incredible and it didn't hurt too bad. I was raised catholic but I had tried sex before but only a few times and all were bad experiences. This wasn't bad. I made up my mind back then that I wanted this one to work...I wanted to be his bride. And so I fell. And so I worked hard at trying to prove myself. He would put through tests, he openly compared me to his mother, he compared me and moped about his exgirlfriend but still I prevailed. I loved him with all my heart...unconditionally. He wasn't a bad person at all he was just a guy who didn't really understand women or feelings all that well...after all he did graduate from MIT;) . And HE LOVED ME. Worked up the courage to tell me a few nights while I lay sleeping beside him. One night I accidently heard him and remembered in the morning. After that came a million "I love yous". We had so much fun, never do I recall a bad time. Of course, there were some rough spots...like the time he lied about his extensive porno collection and the time I found a bunch of Vegas hooker cards (they give them out freely in Vegas?) in his suitcase but I forgave him, I loved him. And I worked hard. I kept both our homes clean, i bought food for both of us. I helped him with his yard. Why? Because I loved him. Our friends and coworkers thought we were wrong for each other... I ran marathons and he was a smoker. I was lower middle class and his parents had money. I was so giving and he loved taking. He rarely asked me to do stuff for him...I just wanted to...I loved him...I loved every minute of it. He was slow to love and I was quick. He introduced me to the symphony, to european travel (bought me a sky miles ticket for my birthday, took me for drives in his little MG, brought me up when I was feeling down (again and again) and said he wanted to bring me up in the world...of course, I knew that only I could do this for myself. So I continued my education first my masters and then i decided to quit work and go for the PhD. I moved into his house and he supported me both financially (partly) and emotionally. His job required a lot of traveling and he decided to take an apartment out in CA. He planned it so I could travel back and forth on a few weekends a month. He would come home for visits. He had such confidence when he said we would survive...and then we would get married and make all our dreams come true (and boy did we have dreams!!!)

It worked for a while...the california trips were paradise...but slowly, the all the "hellos" and "good-byes" started to wear on me. I told him never to ask me to marry him in the mist of all this travel. I told him my feelings were waning. I missed him so much that it hurt, deep inside--my entire body, mind and heart craved for him. But I held fast. I kept his house very clean I planed special surprises for when he returned. I took care of him when all the travel and hard work made him ill (I can't even begin to count the number of 2 am trips to the pharmacy). Slowly, slowly my feelings started to change. I never realized it at the time but I started to resent his work...and him. I'll never know if he realized it or if he actually listened when I said it was now easier for me when he was away. My real feelings became buried so deep, i didn't even know what they were but I still loved him...I just no longer desired him or felt that passion when he was gone. In addition to this work travel he always went home for christmas ALONE(extremely overbearing, controlling mother). And he took long vacations with his parents to far away places. Finally, in 2005 after a whole summer of travel he went on vacation to Siberia with his parents for three weeks and couldn't call or write. I was devastated. I cried openly to my mother every night. My heart finally broke. I wrote him an email to share my feelings but he never mentioned it (later he said he was just too busy to notice). In my heart, he never came home from Siberia. But I still lived in his house, still ate the food he paid for, still slept in his bed and had sex with him. But I new something was wrong...something was different. I didn't really like him to touch me anymore. I didn't connect with him...we didn't connect. To make matters worse he wanted to get married. He said he was ready, that his parents (his mother ) and he agreed that I was the ONE. I was terrified. I was confused. I couldn't marry him...I didn't even think I was in love with him anymore. He started to plan this great engagement trip to Hawaii I just went along half-heartedly...

Then something terrible happened. I started to fall for a male friend at work. We were close, we connected emotionally, he was always there when my boyfriend was away...And I knew he liked me...he would always compliment me, my hair, my clothes my jewlery, my warm giving nature. Anything I asked for he jumped up and gave me right away. He always asked when I was feeling down--he became my savior. He was just so nice to me and I was nice to him. Who knows who was nice to who first. And so things went. My crush started taking over my mind and I had to tell my boyfriend and so I did. He didn't react. He said he would have to meet this guy I felt so highly of. But he never did (I wish he had). And so it went this emotional bond turned passionate, feelings of sexual frustration filled my nights, I craved him but I was with my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend I was still having problems and he still kept traveling. One day the guy (who was by now totally playing with my mind) told me he was going home to India for a month and that he would see his girlfriend and that she was the one he thought about when he thought about someone. Now, you have to understand he had very briefly mentioned to me that he had a girlfriend back home but he said that they had been separate for over a year and that it was "all up in the air". I got jealous, I thought I was falling in love with him. i had to tell him I had to break up with my boyfriend. I couldn't been with one man when I was falling for another. And so I told them...both. Big mistake. They both got very, very jealous and competitive and aggressive. They never met (I wish they had) but they hated each other. The guy at school knew how much I loved my boyfriend and that we were having trouble because of the distance but still he pressed...I thought he was in love with me. My boyfriend went home for christmas...I almost lost control and did something physical with the guy at school but i didn't. It was soo hard not too! But I knew that somewhere there was some girl who probably cared for him a lot and I couldn't hurt her. I restrained myself for her, not them, not me. She hates me now but if she only knew what I did for her. Things got worse my boyfriend became indecisive, confused, pressured me more and more for marriage and wouldn't let me break the relationship. The guy at school played with my head over and over, I will never really know how much he really cared for his girlfriend because he didn't tell her he was liking other people and I found out that there was yet another girl involved with him(but apparently it was just sex, no feelings:sick: ). Why was I still interested in this guy? I will never know. He told me that I was too judgmental that he had made only these mistakes in his life and that it wasn't fair of me to judge him. I mean he was right, right? He had ALWAYS been so sweet to me. Very sweet. Too sweet. And so I finally got my boyfriend to let me go. I was too far gone. I didn't know what I felt or what I was doing. I was torn between one who had caused me so much pain and one who had caused others so much pain. I was in shock. The guy and I got physical right away (despite my not wanting to) I just didn't have the reserves to pull away. I was in bad shape. I just wanted that emotionally contact, that savior that I had started to fall for. But that guy was long gone. Now that we had been physical the guy became even more aggressive and I never declined again. The boyfriend was trying to get back together saying that he had changed that he really loved me that he would do anything I wanted, stop the travel, pay attention, stop smoking start walking everyday...anything. And so he did and does till this day. But then he asked me if I was doing anything with the other guy and I couldn't lie. I still loved him...I just can't deceive those I love, besides it was me who had taught him honesty was the best policy with me regardless of the topic, I had to live up to my own standards. And so it ended, I never cheated on him but I really, really hurt him, he really valued my sexual loyality (why not emotional??). We said we still loved each other and we said goodbye. He really did seem to have changed. When I removed the remaining stuff out of his house (I had moved out temporarily when he was away at christmas and no longer spent his money...that would have been soo wrong!!) we gave each other the things we thought the other would enjoy more. I gave him my expensive wine glasses and he gave me his camping gear. It was the saddest moment of my life. I still see his tearful eyes in my dreams (this from the man who never cried!). But still I was confused and I had to see the other guy everyday. The boyfriend ended up holding on long enough until he thought the other guy was out of the picture. He went out to CA again for a few weeks but said he wanted to try to give it another shot. I never agreed but the other guy (who had by now broken up with his girl and was having similar problems..she wouldn't let him go..from 7000 miles away...imagine that!) had found out and he went nuts. Said he would pull out of everything. (I wish he had) I sent this email to my boyfriend and soon he lost interest in me...he asked me out for a date then just decided to stay in CA...he knew that's what hurted me the most...dissapointment...as he always had to reschedule dates because of work time and time again. The guy at school never went away. He came back and said he didn't feel right with out me. At one point he told me he loved me? Was this love? Did my boyfriend love me when he kept leaving me again and again? Anyway my boyfriend stopped commicating with me 100% (smart guy). The other guy still pursued and i went with him. We tried to make it work. I forgave his past. I tried to forgive my past but I couldn't forget. My feelings were slowly coming back to the surface. I was slowly started to sleep again. My body was healing (two very bad boughts of sicknesses this past winter)...getting healthy again. I started to morn the loss of my boyfriend. And it hurt. I remembered all the good times, all the fun. The other guy and I tried to make it work but he was still so inconsistant when I got close he pushed me away but when he got close I let him. He wanted the control. I tried to fight but didn't win. We actually had a little fun when we got away for the weekend I started to find those original feelings but he pushed me away hard. After a few more cycles from him he broke it off because there was no long term potential (and i think he missed the competition...I was just too available...and he liked playing with my head) did I mention that he was indian and his parents were against his marrying foreigners (his other girlfriend wasn't even the right kind of indian )? When I had asked about this causally long, long ago when we were just friends he said he was able to marry "anyone he wishes". When reminded of that statement he said he never considered any one other than indian when he answered but looking back now I don't believe him. I agreed that we could be friends with benefits for a while but he still insisted on cycling and playing with my head. I think its over finally, but we still have to finish a few projects together. I think I am strong enough to take it now strong enough to resist. I am so tired of him.

 

I am just so sad. I don't hate him, I just think he is very confused--as was I. But he was more so...I think the distance, the vastly different culture drove him nuts. But he seems to have agreed to keep a professional distance (at least for now). I am scared of what the future will bring. I do not want to give this guy another chance. no way. I have no feelings (other than pity) left for him.

 

But of course, now I miss my boyfriend who seemed to really have changed. I know a second chance isn't possible right now as I really, really need to be alone for a while. I know I know. But why do I hold on to this hope that someday things will clear up and my boyfriend will come back a more caring, more considerate, more giving person? in the end I realized that he really did love me but I realized it too late. i was already too far gone. Looking back at this long, long message I don't even understand how to explain how I feel. I just finally feel. And the feelings are real. Now i just have to heal. The boyfriend still has a house down the street from me...he is still quiting smoking and not seeing anyone (mutual friend told me). Is it wrong of me to hope that sometime in the next year (before he goes to overseas to business school) that we will at least talk again? Maybe meet? Maybe give it a second try? Maybe try something very casual as we both finish up school and figure out a way to be together afterwords? Or am I still being really, really foolish? You see I did love him more than anyone...and we had so many dreams. Well I guess no one will read this far but at least the writing was therapeutic.

 

I guess at least this silly hope will keep me away from the indian guy who is such bad news. Why did it take me so long to realize this? I get the award for being the most stupid person on earth...and I am going for a PhD in engineering. Ha. Ha.