Am I too sensitive or is he just a jerk?

[aethyr]

Sorry in advance for such a long post, but I have nobody to turn to and ask about such things....I'm at a complete loss.. so, here goes. I hope I get a reply. I've been in tears on and off all week.

 

Okay, here's our background:

 

I'm 26 and he's 24. We met online 3 years ago (Yeah, cringe #1..I know). We talked daily, for five or six hours at a time and became the best of friends. He told me about living in his parents basement and how it was getting very old dealing with them and his teenage siblings and wanted a drastic change. I told him he was welcome to come visit me for a week or so, to get away and have a little vacation. So, he did. We hit it off even better in person and it was obvious there was something more to our friendship, but didn't act on it. About a month later, the idea of moving down to be with me came up and we both thought it was something that would help us both out. I was living with my mom at the time and we weren't bringing in quite enough money to get by. An extra pair of hands would help a lot. So, he moved in and things were very nice, casual and friendly for about a month. We admitted having feelings more than friendship and became a couple. I find out he's never really even had a girlfriend before (cringe #2). I had been in two serious live-in relationships before, but never felt this way about someone. We discussed marriage then, and both expressed feelings that there was nobody else in the world for either of us and if either of us would ever get married, it would be to each other. I had never felt so close to someone and I know he hadn't either.

The short version of the next six months is that things with him and my mom got rough, work for him was harder to get than we thought and my grandparents in another state fell ill. I had a decision to move back to his home state with him, or go with my mother to help out her ill parents. Since this post is about him, you can guess what I picked.

Lived here in his home state about 3 months and he came down with an illness that caused a lot of financial stress and we couldn't afford the apartment he had gotten us. So, we moved in with HIS parents (cringe #3) That actually lasted about a year and a half and wasn't as bad as I thought. He got a great job that pays really well and I got a great job that pays moderatly well. Things were looking up, and we were saving a lot of our money. Again, his parents drove him nuts and we needed to be out on our own. Marriage was still talked about as somthing we were going to do as soon as the time felt right... mostly meaning out on our own and not living in his parents basement. So. We got our own apartment about six months ago.

It was heaven for the first 3 months, then the moodyness that he's always had came back with a vengence and he seemed very distant. My mom came to visit and that made it worse. After her visit, things were tense for about a week, but got back to normal. Then the marriage discussion comes back up. ....Here's where I need you males to let me know what the hell this means...

He tells me it's up to me when we get married. He says he feels, emotionally, like we've been married and the act of doing it is just formality and something we do to get the tax break and insurance (he has some, I don't...until 2 months from now) but basicly, just the paper, because the feelings are there and have been for a long time. "I consider us already married, and I hope you do too.." Of course I said that I do, because even though he's a moody jerk at times, I still very much in love with him. So, we decide that we should set a date, have a little very informal maybe even court house wedding and "get it out of the way". I tell this to my mother, clear across the country. She says, no big wedding.. you're getting a big honeymoon. She starts looking into setting us up with a vacation package for sometime in the next few weeks. I start asking him details about when, where, ect. and he basicly freaks out, saying someone else is planning out our stuff and that it's getting way too complicated. "Screw it, I don't even want to do it now." he says. My stomach gets that cold rock in it when he says stuff like that. So, he repeats that he doesn't want to get married in front of his mother and she says he's just messing around and being an ass. He just kind of half smiles and doesn't say too much. We get home that eveing and he says three very conflicting things. "We're not even going to do it now"

"It's up to you, just make sure it's what you want, not what your mom wants."

"Is the cat going to be the ring barer?" (sp?)

"I'm at least going to need some new slacks"

That was Sunday. It's now Thursday/very early Friday morning. All week, he's been cold, distant and just not himself. Not mean or anything (till tonight wheh he told me I was a pain in the butt and annoying for going to lie down with him) but the week has been pretty depressing for me. Up until tonight, we were going to sleep in each other's arms at night and barely talking during the day. We usually text message while we're at work.. he didn't answer my messages very much yesterday and not at all today. Pretty much, he's not acting like everythings okay, even though I finally asked him what was up over dinner tonight.

 

So, you people read stories like this a lot, I'm sure. What am I to think? How should I feel? Should I just quit talking about getting married? Should I tell him about some SIMPLE plans I've come up with? Should I get the hint that he really DOESN'T want to get married, when for the past two years, it's been a certainty that we were going to? Please help, an advice would really make me feel better.

 

I don't know what to do but cry some more.:(

[Walk]

What I read in your post says that although in theory he was open to marriage, when it came down to a reality he freaked and couldn't handle it. Now he's rethinking the entire relationship and whether he wants to be in it. It'd be like saying you're going to joing the military. You might like the idea, might be excited about the idea, but when you realize you are actually signing the paperwork and taking the oath, you realize this might not have been what you wanted.

 

Not sure you can relate to that example or not. When the plans were being put in place, he realized it was for real. Not just talk anymore.

 

What do you want from this relationship? Would you be okay if the two of you never got married? Is marriage important to you?

 

Also, I think that if he's this upset about dedicating the rest of his life to you, then it's possible he's been avoiding confronting problems he see's in the relationship. Or even problems he can't put his finger on. Something that is sending warning bells that this isn't the right thing to do for him.

 

Depending on what is important to you, you could let him off the hook right now, which might get the two of you talking again. Let him know that you don't feel marriage is a good idea right now. That you've decided not to go through with it. This could work two fold. One, he is released from his original promise of marrying you. And hopefully cause him to drop his defenses so that the two of you can have a discussion on it later. Two, it'll cause him to wonder why you wouldn't want to commit to him. Possibly show him that he can't take for granted that you want a lifelong commitment to him, and could potentially leave. Not condoning playing games, but sometimes it's necessary to re-affirm that work is necessary by both partners in order for a relationship to continue. If he stops trying to communicate, then he might need to be shown that without trying you'll leave.

 

On the one hand he's saying that marriage isn't a big deal, just some paperwork, but his reaction is saying it is a huge deal, and he's not ready for that level of commitment.

 

You should figure out what you want in life? Could you settle with never getting married? And if he reacts this way to an important decision, then how is he going to act in other situations. Like buying a house, or having kids... any big decision in life.

 

One last thought... Are you making communications as open as possible with him. Letting him know that whatever he feels or is thinking, he can discuss with you and you won't get upset or angry over it. If he feels he can't get married right now, does he feel he can come talk to you about his feelings? If he is rethinking marriage, he may be afraid to talk to you about it. Which would explain his withdrawing from you. But he won't talk unless he feels safe to do so. Which might at the very least get the two of you back to a place where you can discuss what each of you wants. Without fear of retribution, or angry words, or emotional outbursts.

[tikigods]

I think that once push came to shove and things became reality he backed off and instead of talking to you about it he is acting like a jerk. If Marriage was just a paper then he wouldn't have these problems, and who would really want to turn down a nice big vacation? It sounds to me he is making excuses.

 

I think honestly though its time to cut your loses, he has more problems then just this and not the type of relationship that I can ever see being more then what you are now.

[Walk]

I was wondering how old the both of you are, if you don't mind me asking.

[Adunaphel]

sorry, posted in the wrong thread

[aethyr]

I was wondering how old the both of you are, if you don't mind me asking.

 

Me, 26... him 24...