Parents don't love each other

[blue16]

I don't think my parents, who have been married over 30 years, love each other anymore - and haven't for a long time. They don't even sleep in the same room anymore. I can't remember the last time they've been on a date or outing.

 

It's not like they hate each other, they get along fine. But they seem more like friends than a married couple. There would be no reason to get a divorce, as there isn't much friction between the two and they do seem to atleast care about each other.

 

Unfortunately, this type of behaviour is what i'm used to, and it seems like a 'normal' marriage to me now. Sometimes when I go to a friends house, i hear them say "oh my parents are out to dinner" or something like that. One time a few months ago I heard my friends' dad say to his wife "Let's go for a walk, it's a nice night outside" and off they went. I almost froze in my track, because I didn't think married couples did that kind of thing because it's certainly not like that in my family.

 

It's almost like my mom and dad live two seperate lives, and just happen to live in the same house. My dad does give my mom to a ride to work sometimes when her car is broke down, but only because he is a really helpful guy. That's the only time they spend together, that and watching TV if they happen to like the same show.

[flowergirl]

Blue, I know exactly what you mean. My parents' marrriage is just like that. The main regular interaction they have with each other is a nightly Scrabble game, which I suppose is nice. But, like you said, they seem more like friends than a couple married for over 30 years. My friend even once told me that if she didn't know my parents, she'd think they were business associates. Sad. Between that and the fact that my mother is an overbearing control freak, no wonder I have relationship problems. Don't have a particularly good mold for one.

[roxyg]

That's an interesting situation! By my senior year in high school, my parents were beginning the process of divorce. They had stopped sleeping in the same bedroom for quite some time prior to that. It is definately weird when you have one parent downstairs in a bedroom, and the other upstairs. It's ended up for the best for all of us, because there was a lot of tension and confusion between them. I think when parents get to that point of they don't "act" married, then it leaves a bad mark on us the children. I could never imagine sleeping in the same house, but seperate rooms from my fiance. I guess, for me, I would be yearning for the love we share, and when that dies, so would the marriage. Have you asked them why they do this? If this is affecting you, perhaps you should try counseling, or even family counseling. I don't want to ever go through that whole situation again, so I can imagine your discomfort.

[Roo-bie2]

Not sleeping in the same room isn't always a big deal. My grandparents did this for 40 or more years before my grandfather died. If they are in their 50's they could be having issues with getting comfortable, one likes a hard bed the other soft. Does on snore?

 

Love gets comfortable. It is sometimes like a business partnership. Some of it could be how they were raised, some people don't show affection like that.

[1Gravity]

So, they chose to stay married for some reason, perhaps they thought they were doing you a favor. They had more money (divorce is $$$) and gave you a stable home where you could find consistency. I'm guessing it was a conscious decision on their part and they probably worried some about how it was impacting you.

 

Wifey and I sleep in seperate beds for a number of reasons. We are also staying together for the kids. Not everyone chooses to do that but we do. I'm hoping that it has a more positive impact on the kids than a divorce would. We're happy enough in this arrangement but I yearn for what's next.

[Quinch]

My situation is very similar. My parents have been sleeping in seperate rooms for 30 years. I don't think I have ever seen them hug, kiss or hold hands. The only time I ever see any affection between them is when my mum is upset (which is often) and my dad reluctantly puts an arm round her as if he's not sure what to do. My mum once told me that she has never had a valentines card from my dad in all the time they've known each other.

 

As a result I grew up with almost no idea of what a loving relationship was supposed to be like and it made it difficult to form relationships of my own. Fortunately I have friends who have been wonderful role models for me. I am determined that it will not be the same when I have children of my own. Love should never be simply assumed. It should be expressed every day.

[Curmudgeon]

I wouldn't say it's *normal* but it's also not calamitous. They could very well love, respect and value one another as friends, companions, housemates and life partners without having romantic feelings towards one another anymore. They've settled into a routine they both find safe, comfortab;le and satisfying enough to sustain them and the marriage. Neither wants to rock the boat and in some funny way, they'd probably be lost and at loose ends without one another.

 

It could be a lot worse.

 

As for you, you're living an example you don't want to take into your own future relationships or an eventual marriage. Now you know what to watch out for.