silentcharon Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I am very UPSET. There's a couple of guy friends, they're both good friends of mine. One of them have made it clear to me that he had feelings for me and would like to pursue a relationship with me, even when I was dating my ex (7 years). He did this a few times, with me saying no. The other one, I have known him for a very long time, longer than the other guy, professed his love for me to a mutual friend of ours. The mutual friend told me a few months later a couple of years ago. My friend wasn't as persistent as the other friend, but he does act jealous when I go out with other people without him. He acts like my boyfriend when he's not. Now that I'm single, I'm TERRIFIED. My ex was somewhat a safety net when it came to these people, he knew that they wanted more with me, and made it clear that I was his girlfriend. Recently, I invited everyone over for a barbeque, my ex and the persistent friend included. After my ex went to bed, we hung out and talked over a game of cards. He asked me if I would date him now that I'm single, and I responded by saying that I just got out of a 7 year relationship and that I didn't want to date anyone. I didn't say this but I won't date this guy ever, because I don't like him in that way. He has been doing things like covering my tab at the bar after I said I would pay for it, and doing nice things like going over my mom's house to help her out with her new kitchen. I want this guy to be my friend, nothing more, so I'm not sure how to deal with this. The friend who I've known for a very long time, is coming over tonight. I have been refusing to hang out with him because of the way he's been acting since the break up. I reluncantly agreed to hang out with him tonight because he said he missed me and wanted to hang out with me. I know he is in love with me, and I will never date him either, just because I don't like him in that way either. How do I make it clear that I won't date them, not right now, or in the near future or ever ? I'm afraid this will ruin two great friendships I have with them. How do I get them to back off? I'm still trying to cope with the break up with my ex, and this is really the last thing I need to deal with right now. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Curmudgeon Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Introduce them. Maybe they'll fall in love with each other.
Touche Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Introduce them. Maybe they'll fall in love with each other. That made me laugh because when I first saw the thread name that's what I thought the topic really was about!
Curmudgeon Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Me too! That's why I responded that way after reading the post.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Silentcharon, Be honest and frank with both of them. You should have told them or at least made it clear to them in other ways that you are not interested in them romantically waayy back when you 'knew'. Since you didn't, please do so now. It is probably not easy, but it is the decent thing to do. They deserve to know. If they cut the 'friendship' because they know that they will never have you in their beds... then they are not 'friends' to begin with.
Author silentcharon Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 Silentcharon, Be honest and frank with both of them. You should have told them or at least made it clear to them in other ways that you are not interested in them romantically waayy back when you 'knew'. Since you didn't, please do so now. It is probably not easy, but it is the decent thing to do. They deserve to know. If they cut the 'friendship' because they know that they will never have you in their beds... then they are not 'friends' to begin with. I did tell the persistent friend that I wasn't interested in him wayyyy back when I knew, I have said no every time he asked me. I said no again the night he was here at my house. How many times do I have to repeat myself? The other friend isn't too bad, he does keep it to himself, so I guess I have more of a problem with the persistent friend. I made the mistake of sleeping with him once when I wasn't with my ex a very long time ago, I regret that now, because now he keeps asking me why I slept with him. I tell him the truth, it was just a f***, but it seems like he's the lady one in this whole thing. I don't know, it's just getting very irritating. It isn't like he brings it every time we hang out, but he does bring it up maybe every other month.
Author silentcharon Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 Originally Posted by Curmudgeon Introduce them. Maybe they'll fall in love with each other. That made me laugh because when I first saw the thread name that's what I thought the topic really was about! Sorry, but you guys can indulge yourselves. I think it would be really weird if you had two guy friends fall in love with each other. I wonder if anyone has experienced something like that....?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I did tell the persistent friend that I wasn't interested in him wayyyy back when I knew, I have said no every time he asked me. I said no again the night he was here at my house. How many times do I have to repeat myself? The other friend isn't too bad, he does keep it to himself, so I guess I have more of a problem with the persistent friend. I made the mistake of sleeping with him once when I wasn't with my ex a very long time ago, I regret that now, because now he keeps asking me why I slept with him. I tell him the truth, it was just a f***, but it seems like he's the lady one in this whole thing. I don't know, it's just getting very irritating. It isn't like he brings it every time we hang out, but he does bring it up maybe every other month. I am sorry if I offended you by presuming that you are stringing two guys for their 'friendship' and other benefits. However, if you have already told both of them in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in them romatically, and they are still bothering you about it, then there's only one thing left to do: you have to walk away from the 'friendship'. You stop talking to them, you don't return their calls, you don't look in their eyes, etc. There can be no friendship if they have 'other feelings' for you anyway. If you insist on keeping them as 'friends' then you are in fact stringing them along.
whichwayisup Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Men and women can be friends if there are love feelings involved. The fact that he is inlove with you or wanting more from the friendship means that isn't a 'friendship' to him. No matter what you say to him it won't sink in because you're still friends with him. Make sense? The only fair thing to do for him (and if you care about him as your friend) is to end it. He will always put you first, wait for you and that could mean he'll miss an opportunity to be with a wonderful person who will love him. Don't be mean about it, be very honest. You care about him as a friend - So treat him like one, but make sure he understands WHY you are ending the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is inlove with you.
Author silentcharon Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 I am sorry if I offended you by presuming that you are stringing two guys for their 'friendship' and other benefits. However, if you have already told both of them in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in them romatically, and they are still bothering you about it, then there's only one thing left to do: you have to walk away from the 'friendship'. You stop talking to them, you don't return their calls, you don't look in their eyes, etc. There can be no friendship if they have 'other feelings' for you anyway. If you insist on keeping them as 'friends' then you are in fact stringing them along. Not at all. I feel that ending the friendships can only be done if things get a bit extreme. These guys aren't pushing my limits yet, so I'm not at that point yet. But I agree with you, keeping them around as friends, I'm stringing them along, and that hurts a bit. If I do have to end the friendship, it will have to be for a very long time because he's been after me for maybe four years, or so. I just hope it won't screw up my life, because we share many mutual friends between us.
Author silentcharon Posted May 6, 2006 Author Posted May 6, 2006 Men and women can be friends if there are love feelings involved. The fact that he is inlove with you or wanting more from the friendship means that isn't a 'friendship' to him. No matter what you say to him it won't sink in because you're still friends with him. Make sense? The only fair thing to do for him (and if you care about him as your friend) is to end it. He will always put you first, wait for you and that could mean he'll miss an opportunity to be with a wonderful person who will love him. Don't be mean about it, be very honest. You care about him as a friend - So treat him like one, but make sure he understands WHY you are ending the friendship. You just can't be friends with someone who is inlove with you. All right. It does make sense. Like I said, if I do have to end it, it'll be for a very long time. I don't even want to think about the end results if I do go nc, I'm afraid that things might turn ugly. He's not the sort of person who would hold a grudge against me, but then he might not understand at the same time. Wish me luck!
littlekitty Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Me three... Me four...! I'm utterly disappointed...!! For the OP: Be clear, open and honest with both of them. If you feel that way then tell them. It's only fair. You don't have to be nasty. Just point out that as much as you value their friendship, you don't see any romantic potential there.
Recommended Posts