I Can't Handle His Past!!!!

[melissa22z]

I have been dating this guy that I am really into for about 10 months. As we have been dating, I have gradually learned more and more about his past, and some things are starting to bother me. First of all, I am a lot less sexually experienced than him. This normally wouldn’t bother me, but after learning about some of his past experiences, I can’t help but be disgusted. He used to cheat on his ex-girlfriends, a lot. It seemed that he didn’t respect them. I know that he is different with me (and no, it’s not just wishful thinking). He has never cheated on me, and doesn’t have the desire to. His friends, who I am now friends with as well, have even told me that this is true, and I believe them. Also, I don't think he has been honest with about the number of girls he has slept with in the past. I think it is an ego thing with him. I know it is in the double digits, I’m just hoping it’s not in the triple digits…. And to make matters worse, the majority of them have been completely meaningless relationships, which is something I am kind of against. Also, he went through a period when he was on Swapernet.com, and had sexual relationships with married couples, which I am COMPLETELY against. He isn’t doing this anymore, but he still talks to one of them that he became friends with, and has even babysat her children. The talking to them doesn’t bother me, but I can’t believe he would do that in the first place!!!! Also, I tend to talk about his past…encounters, and I think he feels bad about it, but expresses his self-consciousness about them in a hurtful way, and attempts to tear down my past relationships. Anytime I comment on his past, I am just trying get him to raise his standards, but it seems like he is trying to hurt or attack me. I don’t want to let go, because I know that being in a relationship with me has been really good for him, and I know he is changing for the better. But what can I do to let go of his past, and be the support that he needs right now? Or am I crazy to hold on to him? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Adunaphel]

I'd be very wary of anyone that has cheated on his ex girlfriends a lot.

 

It's the cheating and lack of respect to his former girlfriends that would worry me the most, not having had sexual relationships with married couples.

 

Sorry about the blunt question, but what makes you think that you are so different from his ex girlfriends? Do you have *real*reasons to think so?

 

Did he get tested for STDs before having sex with you?

If not, 1) do get tested as soon as possible. 2) he has put your life in danger.

 

Having had many sexual partners does not make someone a bad boyfriend. Cheating and putting your health at risk does.

[tikigods]

Why do you think he wouldn't cheat on you? I would think the other girls thought the same thing till they finally found out.

 

I agree with Adunaphel, ask him if he has been tested for STDS and even if he says yes he has, I would still get myself checked up ASAP.

 

I wouldn't date a cheater myself, cause you know the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater"

[shoedevil]

I don’t want to let go, because I know that being in a relationship with me has been really good for him, and I know he is changing for the better. But what can I do to let go of his past, and be the support that he needs right now? Or am I crazy to hold on to him? Any advice would be appreciated.

You went into this relationship as his girlfriend, but do you really want to be his therapist as well? You may have helped him to improve himself in some ways, but aren't your own comfort levels and standards most important? Your happiness should be part of the equation, as well. His past is his past, and therefore unchangeable, but definitely not irrelevant. Don't sacrifice your self-esteem just for his sake. I’ve had friends in similar situations, and I think you'll avoid a great deal of pain down the line. Is he attacking your past relationships merely out of spite?

[TheOrb87]

IMO:

1) get a blood test.

 

2) if he has a history of cheating that means he values sex more than a deep emotional relationship. if you are looking for the guy who is just for you, the guy you can spend the rest of your life with, he is not that guy.

[deelite]

Hey there i am living in practically the same world as you except i was with mine for 5 yrs ...(im just a sucker for punishment) we started off the same way and the more i found out the worse i felt and it seemed to make me feel cheapened, even though it was him that did all the gross stuff...all his friends female and male use to say oh he's so different with you i have never seen him like this with anyone ...later i found out that most the chicks friends saying that were previous roots...need i say more ??? let me put it this way 5 yrs on and hes cheated on me 3 times i know off and i live in constant anxiety waiting, once a cheat always a cheat once into weird fetish stuff or partner swapping ..its a taste they get for it and no amount of normallity will surpress it and make them marriage material ...either that or prey for a transition mirracle....good luck

People are what they are and u can except it or move on...

[mscmkr]

ok, i need to address deelites reply.

hun, its time for you to get help. you obveously have some very big issues that makes you stay in such an obusive relationship. and thats exactly what it is. hes using you because your letting him. your the one at home that does what he wants. while hes out getting everything else from whoever else.

this is about you, not about him. you need to find out what is inside of you that keeps you in this situation. why do you seem to feel you dont deserve something better? you do. get out of this. go get some therapy. heal yourself and your life will get so much better. then you will find the love of your life that you truly deserve.......mscmkr