shy guy asking a girl out

[TheOrb87]

hello, i'm an 18 year old guy living in santa cruz, CA and attending classes at UCSC. my problem is that i lived in bel air and attended bevery hills high school about a year ago, and i had a lot of good friends back in LA (well like 4 or 5, but thats a lot to me). but now that i moved i can only see me friends on vacation, and i have barely any friends here, so i've become very lonely.

 

i'd like to ask a girl out, but i have zero experience with girls (actually about half of my friends in LA are girls, but they are just friends). i have no clue how to ask a girl out (i did try once but she said no ) or talk to them.

 

also im very shy (i cant even buy a playboy), and i'm into a lot of geeky things like computers and anime/manga. i also have a passion for eletronic music, and i like to mix with my pair of turntables (when people see my turntables they automatically think that i like hip-hop and scratch, and it's odd explaining to people that i dont like hip-hop and can't scratch, and that beat-mixing with eletronica is an entirely different skill and has an entierly different culture than scratching with hip-hop).

 

 

sorry if i'm rambling on, i guess the bottom line is that i'm sick of being lonely and i want a girlfriend but i have to clue as to how to get one, since in a very shy and introverted guy with different tastes in music and hobbies. any help would be greatly appreciated.

[phyrespryte]

You sound like a very interesting guy. Actually you sound like my one guy friend. He likes mixing music and all his friends are female.

 

Maybe looking for a girlfriend shouldn't really be your biggest concern for now? Perhaps you should focus on meeting new people and building new friendships? That'll help with the whole loneliness feeling and it'll be good when you start trying to ask girls out. You'll have people who live close to you to help you out when things don't work out or get confusing.

[longlegzs80]

If you have friends that are mostly girls, why not ask them how you can go about asking a girl out? Man, if a guy asked me out and he was really shy, or just plan shy and went above and beyond his comfort zone, I would be so flattered and defintily say yes. If you are getting signals from a women that she is interested in you, definitly don't wait and approach her, talk to her, compliment her. Women are flattered by that stuff, well I would be. Take a chance a risk, do something out of the ordinary.

[Guest]

one more question: do girls like it if a guy asks them out of the blue if they will have some coffee with them? or do girls want to get to know a guy before going out with them.

 

there is one girl i think is really cute. she is my tutor for multivariable calculus (not a private tutor, a group thing). we don't know each other well, should i ask her out after a session or talk to her and get to know her better before i do? i don't even know if i should because if she said no it would be really akward to continue attending her sessions.

 

 

btw i do have friends here, but since i just started classes maybe 8 months ago i dont have any close friends like i did back in LA (cause i've been friends with them for years and years. one guy i've known since 7th grade). with time i do think i could be close friends with them.

 

and what are these signals? what do i look for?

[TheOrb87]

one more question: do girls like it if a guy approaches them and asks them to have coffee together? or do girls want to become friends with guys before dating?

 

i do have friends here, but they are not close friends like i have back in LA. i've known them for years and years (one guy i've known since 7th grade), but i've only been friends with new people here for a few months, so i don't feel that close to them. but with time i do believe that i can be good friends with them.

 

there is one girl i think is very cute. her name is Krystle and she is my multivariable calculus tutor (group sessions, not a private tutor). should i ask her out after a session? the only problem is that if she says no it would be akward to continue her sessions. also it would be hard to talk to her alone since, as i said, they are group sessions (i could always ask her out in an email).

 

thanks for the replies, any advice is greatly appreciated.

[phyrespryte]

Coffee is good. It's casual and there's no pressure like a formal date. If you guys click then you can move on to something a bit more formal.

 

And you could always ask her out at the end of a session. Pretend that you need a little more help with something and then transition into the coffee thing.

[longlegzs80]

I don't know what women wouldn't be flattered if a guy asked them out. If your concerned about working with her in this session, just see if you can feel her out abit as far as if she shows interest in you whatever. Or talk with her during the session and tell her your having alittle trouble understanding something, whatever it maybe and see if she could help you out sometime. That to me would be the best way. But too, feel her out. See what kind of interest she shows in you, maybe participate in this session more, be alittle vocal. Tell her if you notice she knows a certain topic really well, compliment her on how much she knows the topic so well and if she could help you understand it in more detail. That is like the best way to go about it, I think. What do you think? There is no pressure, your asking for help and I would think she would give you some help and while she is giving you help, just talk to her like a friend. Get to know her that way. Take advantage of this situation while you can and the offer is up. This is your perfect excuse to get close with her and get to know her alittle more. Good idea or not.

[TheOrb87]

ok just one more question. i've never asked a girl this before, so....

 

do you think i'm a good looking guy?

 

(here's a pic of me and three of my friends)

 

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/6766/dscn18493qm.jpg

 

 

stupid red eye, my eyes are blue.

[sunrise]

Aw, you're cute. I don't recommend asking her out in an email though (unless that's the usual way you guys communicate or something). Also, if they're group sessions, then it shouldn't be that awkward if you ask her out without success. Good luck!

[runner]

as for you looks: you seem like an average dude and not 'unattractive' so don't stress it out so much. i'm not into fashion myself so i can't help you much with that; but honestly its all in your attitude and how you carry yourself, not the label you wearing. good luck.

[runner]

i think you seem like a pretty cool guy with interesting hobbies. if i were you i'd probably mix in with the raver crowd; maybe get in some time at the DJ booth, or if your not confident, at least mix in with people of similar interests. and yea most in that crowd like anime and computers, too. go find a hang out nearby; thats wot i would do anyways.

 

as for you looks: you seem like an average dude and not 'unattractive' so don't stress it out so much. i'm not into fashion myself so i can't help you much with that; but honestly its all in your attitude and how you carry yourself, not the label you wearing. good luck.

[TheOrb87]

i've been trying for months to get a gig at the local under 21 club. problem is they mostly play hip-hop, top 40, and reggae. i did find one other guy who mixes electronica and we've become friends.

 

thanks for thinking i'm cute . and when i say group sessions they are really small groups. usually 3-5 people per session.

[island1852]

I think you ought to talk to her a few times before asking her out. Can you make it a point to sit next to her during a tutoring session? That way, she may just naturally address you or ask you questions because of the proximity between the two of you. I personally don't care for guys I have never talked to before to ask me on a date out of the blue. I'm always a little leary of their intentions. Definitely try to get in a few words to her first.

 

Ok, here is an off-the-wall suggestion for shy guys like you. Take up swing dancing. Seriously. It is alot of fun and you don't necessarily have to be super coordinated to swing dance, especially as a man. The women's steps require more rythym, however. You learn in baby steps. Alot of men are really into it, trust me. You are basically forced to get to know new people by dancing with them, so it would be a good way for you to start opening up and being less shy. Plus it will give you a hobby that both men and women alike can do. Your hobbies tend to be very solitaire and therefore hard to meet women.

[Mary3]

I think you are cute and very multi talented. With all your interests girls really like the fact that you know so many things. Have you considered joining some groups of the things you are interested in ? From that , girls will be there and they are interested in the exact same things as you.

 

Girls like to be asked out. Just start a conversation related to what you are doing at the time. Then somewhere in there you can say " Hey you are alot of fun. Do you want to go get a burger after school ? Its asking her out but just do it one long sentence and see how she reacts.

 

All your knowledge is a plus actually. Everyone seems to be getting into techy things now so its more common to find a girl that shares some of your hobbies.

 

Good Luck !

[oceanlove_gx]

I think you are cute and very multi talented. With all your interests girls really like the fact that you know so many things. Have you considered joining some groups of the things you are interested in ? From that , girls will be there and they are interested in the exact same things as you.

 

Girls like to be asked out. Just start a conversation related to what you are doing at the time. Then somewhere in there you can say " Hey you are alot of fun. Do you want to go get a burger after school ? Its asking her out but just do it one long sentence and see how she reacts.

 

All your knowledge is a plus actually. Everyone seems to be getting into techy things now so its more common to find a girl that shares some of your hobbies.

 

Good Luck !

 

 

 

Well, approaching the girl who u know is one thing, to be familiar with a strange girl is another thing.

Take me as an example, since we are technical guys working in techincal companies, and most of the time we are with machines, it's really few chance to know other girls.

Actually i have joined some clubs like Gem or Golf, but can u just say hi to a stranger?

So come on man, u have known lots of girls in ur circumanstance which is ur advantage, use it, be sweet and serious and if u r shy enough like me afraid of a call, just give some messages and step by step

Don't rush man, u will make it

[Yamaha]

i

have zero experience with girls (actually about half of my friends in LA are girls, but they are just friends).

 

Why do you think these women are "just friends" to you?

[Mary3]

Well, approaching the girl who u know is one thing, to be familiar with a strange girl is another thing.

Take me as an example, since we are technical guys working in techincal companies, and most of the time we are with machines, it's really few chance to know other girls.

Actually i have joined some clubs like Gem or Golf, but can u just say hi to a stranger?

So come on man, u have known lots of girls in ur circumanstance which is ur advantage, use it, be sweet and serious and if u r shy enough like me afraid of a call, just give some messages and step by step

Don't rush man, u will make it

 

Actually you can say hi to strangers and the more you do it the better you get. Say hi to everyone , the checker lady at the grocery store , anyone you come in contact with just smile and say hello.

After awhile its easier and you can do it more naturally.

I always smile and say hello. If someone doesn't smile back , Oh well ....But happy positive nature should be projected outward.

Let everyone know you are having a great day. If they aren't then maybe some of your good naturedness will rub off on them. Its not easy when it comes to the opposite sex but you can feel more natural around them if you practice being friendly.

[TheOrb87]

Why do you think these women are "just friends" to you?

i don't feel any attraction to them, like i would want to date them.

 

besides i've been friends witht hem for years and if i ask them out it might hurt our friendship. i value my friendships with them too much to risk it.

[rono]

I think you were smart and came to the right place, as it's helpful to get the female perspective. I understand you're lonely but you'll eventually make a lot of female friends in time like you did back home. And don't worry about your looks, you look just fine. I agree with Runner in that you need to find a way to branch out from what you're interested in i.e. music. I know it's cliche to say that you should just be yourself, but when you're interacting with someone with regards to a hobby/passion, then you're naturally going to be confident and come across as interesting because you are in your element.

 

Best of luck

[TheOrb87]

this is all good advice thanks. i saw krystle today. i made some small talk during the session. she has the same major as i (biology) and she is one year ahead of me. she said she changed her major briefly because she felt that the work was overwhelming, but since she already did one years worth of biology work and she didnt want to waste it, she changed back. this is EXACTLY how i feel right now with school, so we have a lot in common. if i can get a moment alone with her (i tried today but with this group thing it's tough), i'll try the coffee thing.

[TheOrb87]

OMG i finally built up the courage to ask her out today and i get an email from her saying that the session was cancelled today! i couldn't wait any longer so i just asked her out in an email. i'll let you guys know what her response is.

[SuperMonk]

OMG i finally built up the courage to ask her out today and i get an email from her saying that the session was cancelled today! i couldn't wait any longer so i just asked her out in an email. i'll let you guys know what her response is.

Cue the scene from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith where Darth Vader finds out that Padme was killed by him.

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

 

Why did you ask her OUT in the email. Women want to be ravaged and chased, email is anti-that. She already KNOWS you're interested, but doing it in this manner when you see her in class is poor form. Oh, the semester was ENDING? Well well well, you should've prepared for that, from my experience in college, if I was interested in a girl and the semester was gonna end 5-7 weeks, I would start being more assertive with her. I mean if I would be rejected, it wouldn't matter, eh! That's my technique, but it's only part of the package. You seem like a lot of work personally.

[phyrespryte]

Why did you ask her OUT in the email. Women want to be ravaged and chased, email is anti-that. She already KNOWS you're interested, but doing it in this manner when you see her in class is poor form. Oh, the semester was ENDING? Well well well, you should've prepared for that, from my experience in college, if I was interested in a girl and the semester was gonna end 5-7 weeks, I would start being more assertive with her. I mean if I would be rejected, it wouldn't matter, eh! That's my technique, but it's only part of the package. You seem like a lot of work personally.

 

I agree. Email??? Don't you have her number or something? You've could've said you needed extra help and ask to reschedule that class thing with her. Now you're going to spend days wondering if she got your email. Oh the torture.

 

I don't think it's the end of the world. I wouldn't be turned off because you sent an email. Kind of confused as to why you sent the email. Might even wonder if it was serous or not.

 

oh well. Have you heard from her yet?

[TheOrb87]

yeah she said she was flattered that i asked her out but she is already seeing someone.

 

actually email is how i normally communicate with my friends. i hate phones. i call my friends maybe a few times a year, and use email/IMing/myspace messages a few times a week. they dont think its weird, its just how i like to communicate.

[Mary3]

yeah she said she was flattered that i asked her out but she is already seeing someone.

 

actually email is how i normally communicate with my friends. i hate phones. i call my friends maybe a few times a year, and use email/IMing/myspace messages a few times a week. they dont think its weird, its just how i like to communicate.

 

I hate to give away a secret but thats what girls say when they are not interested. " I am seeing someone " Its not always true....She might just be trying to let you down easy. A man who asks me out on a date via email is not going to be taken seriously. I think maybe you should try the phone more , get comfortable with it some...