tHe tHrilL iS goNE... IS IT?

[mr. nice guy]

I've been with my gf for the past three years and have been noticing some behavioral changes. She used to call me often, get me things (not important to do, but nice) etc. I've been feeling neglected in many areas such as affection, conversation, and the level of general love that she once had given me. I've brought this to her attention many times to find out why she has reduced here actions towards me. Every time we talk about it, she either says it's not that she's lost feelings, it's just that she doesn't notice any change in her part. She quickly apologizes and offers to be more loving, but things aren't improving AT ALL.

 

I'm beginning to think that she just doesn't understand what the hell I'm talking about in the first place! You might be thinking, " What have I done for her lately"? Well the answer is.... everything under the sun? Now I'm not going off of what I think, but from her own feedback of my actions. She constantly tells me that I'm so good to her and that I'm much more loving to her now than ever before.

 

What all of this is making me want to do is not be that sweet person anymore. Men and women seem to hunt and search for that special person and once the find him or her, they take them for granted. My mother always told me that no matter how long your with a person, you still have to "date" them. Meaning you still have to impress them, treat them great, and do what it takes to keep them around. I could give her a taste of her own medicine, but why do you always have to do a tit-for-tat in order for someone to open their eyes as to what your b*tching about!

 

In closing, is there any advice you can give me to get my gf to give me the same if not even more love? I feel like I'm putting most of the effort in this relationship and I'm getting tired of being the problem solver and the do-whatever-it-takes-to-keep-our-relationship-in-bliss guy.

[midori]

Clearly you're not getting your message across to her. Either that's because you're not being clear enough (maybe because you don't want to be too blatantly demanding?), or because she's unwilling/unable to receive the message.

 

If it's the first, then you need to make the jump from knowing yourself and being able to articulate to other, uninvolved people that things aren't they way you'd like them to be, to saying that clearly to her. Hinting, implying, etc. isn't good enough. Waiting for the "right moment" -- whether that's a function of her mood or a particular instance that will illustrate your point -- isn't going to work. I'd sit down with her and say something to the effect of, "I just don't feel like you're giving of yourself to me and our relationship to the same extent that I am. I don't do nice things for you expecting to have the favor immediately returned but I am nonetheless unhappy that you don't seem to feel any need to be considerate or generous with me."

 

If it's the second scenario then you're going to have to decide whether or not you're willing to tolerate this. Actually I think you need to decide that either way. You're not happy and you shouldn't have to set aside your own needs just because your gf isn't able to meet them. Everyone lets their partner down sometimes, we're only human. But if you're in a relationship where you can regularly anticipate being let down and there's no hope of improvement, don't you kind of wonder just why you're in it at all?

[seiuchi]

I don't have any good advice for you unfortunately... Actually I'm in a similar situation and I'd like to hear what everyone has to say. As I posted earlier, I'm trying to decide between 2 girls. I have dated both for almost a year and I think it's time to get serious.

 

One of them is very loving and always behaves like we are still dating - she sends me e-cards & cute emails everyday, but she never seems to get too serious about discussing our future plans.

 

The other stopped doing that kind of stuff 6 months ago, but is always very interested in discussing future plans with me.

 

I can tell you, being in my position isn't any easier than the one you are in. One of them meets my emotional needs, but worries me about her ability to be my equal partner and wife. The other makes me feel very comfortable that she would be a terrific wife, but leaves me feeling emotionally neglected.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know what advice you receive.

 

Thanks!

[Ed]

There are a number of possible reasons why you are feeling this way. I will make some comments here, but they are purely speculative and based on my feeling about the information you have provided.

 

I think this problem you are having is mostly a problem with you and how your feelings have changed toward your girlfriend. It seems to me as though you are wanting her to somehow pull you back to where you were and how you felt before.

 

The statement you made about always "dating" is a good one, but trying to continually impress someone and doing things to try keep them around for the rest of your life is simply not going to work. No one is responsible for keeping you entertained and happy. That is your responsibility and yours alone! You alone choose what to do with your time and who to spend it with.

 

Happiness in a relationship has more to do with how we feel about someone rather than what they do for us or how they "make" (or try to make) us feel. No one can "make" you love them. An honest, mature love for another is given freely and without manipulation or coercion. If your love for and happiness with another is based on their attempts to try to make you love them or stay with them, then your relationship will be built upon a shifting sand.

 

In order to have a lasting, satisfying relationship you need to mix together the "dating" aspect that brought you together in the first place with a heavy dose of reality, maturity and real intimacy that goes above and beyond the courting behavior. This is the whole purpose of dating someone and not jumping into marriage before you find out if , together, you have the ability to work through and overcome the trials and tribulations that accompany life and relationships.

 

It's possible that your girlfriend senses your restlessness (besides the fact that you've told her so) and is wary of falling into a cycle of trying to perform for you in order to keep you around. If so, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, although that is also a possibility. She could just be trying to tell you, "Hey! I'm doing the best I know how to do and if you're not happy with it, then move on."

 

You have to stand up and take responsibility for how you feel. If you are no longer happy with the state of affairs, then by all means, do as you did and say something about it. If you don't feel better by getting it off your chest or things don't change to your liking, then you may have to consider looking for someone that butters your bread the way you like it.

 

Don't play a tit-for-tat game with her and try to elicit an involuntary action or feeling from her. Do your best to express your wants, needs and desires. Don't expect all of them to be fulfilled. Give her enough slack to be human, make mistakes and yes, sometimes, take things for granted. Expecting anything more is living a fairy tale.

 

Best of luck to you.