Why Does The Wife Stay When He Cheats????

[stillafool]

I was just wondering why would a wife stay in a marriage when she knows her husband is cheating with other women? Even if they have children, why stay? Children know when something is wrong and they aren't happy when their mother and father aren't happy. If the W knows he cheats the children do too. I'm so sick of hearing from MM "well I'm staying for the sake of the children". No they aren't they are staying for themselves. Is it a good role model for children to see their mom mistreated? I don't think so.

 

Also I think a lot of W's stay for the money, the home and status. But isn't that like selling your soul? What do you think?

[pricillia]

I think that men and women stay for the stability of it all

[StoneyHeart]

i'd say money and reputation. Even if you aren't the louse who cheated who really wants to announce to the world that their life isn't perfect.....most W where I live are that way, it's all about the show. I could never live like that.

[Seen_It_All]

I was just wondering why would a wife stay in a marriage when she knows her husband is cheating with other women?

 

Also I think a lot of W's stay for the money, the home and status. But isn't that like selling your soul? What do you think?

 

I've often wondered too why a woman will continually take an emotional beating and still stay right where she is. Any woman - whether she's an OW or a wife.

 

I think something that even puzzles me MORE, however, is why an OW will accept such an imbalanced relationship in the first place? And to top it all off, when D-Day occurs and the MM acts as though the OW was nothing to him and he throws her to the wolves in his desperate bid to keep his wife and family, the OW actually waits with baited breath for him to RETURN after being disrespected like that.

 

I honestly think one must be selling their soul to even consider themselves to be disrespected in that manner. In all fairness, at least the wife has MUCH more at stake than the OW does, and I can see her valiantly fighting to keep her marriage. The OW, however, is simply fighting to keep someone who SO clearly has shown her ZERO respect and loyalty.

[michelangelo]

And seem to think the mantra of it being worse for the kids if you stay together after infidelity. This is not always the case.

 

As awful as it is for a betrayed person to cope with their straying spouse it is not always awful for the kids if they can remain in the same home with both parents.

 

Yo can go into the theoretical reasons for parting, setting an example, etc. However, the real economic and emotional impact of two households has to be counted into it.

[target-d]

And the reason is always the same. There are MANY reasons why the wife stays, but the usual over-riding reason is because she loves him. She loves the man she fell in love with and married. She also knows that many people make many mistakes.

 

She usually has FAR more experience and history with the man than does the OW, as well as a far greater investment. A wife also took a vow "for better or for worse". Usually she figure this is the "for worse" part.

[Jessie61]

And the reason is always the same. There are MANY reasons why the wife stays, but the usual over-riding reason is because she loves him. She loves the man she fell in love with and married. She also knows that many people make many mistakes.

 

She usually has FAR more experience and history with the man than does the OW, as well as a far greater investment. A wife also took a vow "for better or for worse". Usually she figure this is the "for worse" part.

 

I agree. Personally, I would not stay a second with someone who has cheated - children or not - BUT I do appreciate and respect a W's decision to stay even after she has found out about about an A - even a long term. Like someone before me pointed out, we OW's are not always treated with the utmost respect either and WE seem to forgive and forget, so why shouldn't the W?

 

I think in a lot of cases the W forgives because she loves him (isn't that why WE forgive also???), there is also all the time already invested in the M, the social embarrassment, financial reasons, the fear of ending up alone, and yes some W's will put up with A's and years of a miserable M because it is part of the vows she took!

 

So, what about the kids? Well, my view is that it takes more than just "staying together". I grew up with parents who have the happiest and most stable M ever, but I was miserable because I was always treated like I was just part of the image of "the perfect family"; I might as well have been a decoration in the house or a well trained poodle. My father was never there because he was working, and my mother never did anything but criticise and humilate me. The mantra was "What will the neighbours think?" The atmosphere in the house was always cold and silent, I even played on my own in complete silence. Even though I never saw any affection between them (because affection is something dirty and should never be shown "in public" - which included me!), this was a HAPPY marriage!

 

So I don't buy the argument that you should always stay together for the kids in these situations; it takes MORE than that to produce happy kids. I honestly think kids need happy people around them who treat the kids and each other with respect and honesty. Be it the biological parents or step parents or whatever. But then again, I am no expert, it is only my own humble opinion.

[Adunaphel]

I am not married, so I am not speaking about personal experience.

 

I think that quite a lot of Ws stay with a cheating husband for the kids's sake.

 

I am thinking about my best friend's mother, who is 50 years old, looks like Snowwhite (except for the fact that she is blonde)-at 50!!!- , is really intelligent, has a well-paid work (which she is very competent at), and is an absolutely nice person.

She is married to a man who has been cheating on her ever since they got married. He would have cheated even on [name your favourite actress/model/author/nobel prize scientist].

 

At first she didn't get a divorce because of the kids, which now are 25 and encouraging her to get a divorce, and both agree they would have been happier when they were children if their parents had separated. She would have already divorced if her H hadn't got a very bad illness a few years ago, she would have felt guilty leaving him. And the H is *still*cheating on her!

 

I also think that many W stay with cheating husbands for the same reason many women stay with boyfriends they are not happy with because they either cheat or treat them badly: they have invested years of their life in the relationship, and still hope it can be fixed.

 

Trying to fix a relationship or a marriage that very likely can't be fixed because your partner is not good relationship material to start with.... it happens a lot.

Epecially when you love your partner.

As the other posters said, you put up with a lot of bad behaviour when you love someone. And many people take seriously they marriage vows (which in itself is one of the most beautiful things someone can do, pity it is wasted on some people).

 

Even when you don't love your partner anymore, you might try to fix things for reasons of pride. Or because separating would mean having your life turned upside down.

I suspect that some people don't separate not to have thrown in their faces what is taking place on their backs at present.

[stillafool]

My first marriage my h cheated on me constantly and I left his sorry a--

after a year. I was never happier after I left. I came alive again. I haven't and hope I don't have this problem in my current marriage.

 

I know that as long as I stayed in my first (cheating) marriage I was constantly upset, low self-esteem, and low energy level because of living in the house with a person who obviously didn't show me any respect. This was the person I had made a sacred commitment with.

 

I think the OW has it better because she has no commitment, money invested, children, debts and all the other stuff that goes home with this fool when he leaves her. Also when and if he does leave his wife, if he does spend time with her (the OW) she will usually find out he's not so hot once free and you get all the baggage that he brought from his tired marriage. Also the OW doesn't have to bother with moving costs, splitting up her possessions and bank accounts.

 

I definitely feel that any W who stays in a cheating marriage

is indeed selling her soul. I also agree that children should be surrounded by and should see love in a home, whether they have to live with step parents, grandparents, a single parent home or whatever.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I definitely feel that any W who stays in a cheating marriage is indeed selling her soul. I also agree that children should be surrounded by and should see love in a home, whether they have to live with step parents, grandparents, a single parent home or whatever.

 

But you don't see that when an OW is having an affair with a MM is selling her soul???

[whichwayisup]

And the reason is always the same. There are MANY reasons why the wife stays, but the usual over-riding reason is because she loves him. She loves the man she fell in love with and married. She also knows that many people make many mistakes.

 

She usually has FAR more experience and history with the man than does the OW, as well as a far greater investment. A wife also took a vow "for better or for worse". Usually she figure this is the "for worse" part.

 

Great post reply!

 

I agree that the wife has alot more to lose and her feelings run much deeper and much more intimate, especially so when children are part of the package as well. I think that most W's feel their husbands deserve another chance, because of the vows taken. Target is right, "for the worse" part, and obviously it's a huge test to see if the marriage can survive and grow, get even better than it was before the A.

 

Some OW hang around for the same reason why the wife doesn't give up. The love. But the difference is, the OW may feel the newness and intensity of emotions, that NEED to have the MM in their lives so that is why it's hard to walk away, but wives have the history, the vows, a whole life and much deeper long lasting love that one can't just throw in the towel and walk away from.

[Guest]

Also I think a lot of W's stay for the money, the home and status. But isn't that like selling your soul? What do you think?

 

Yup, that sums it up, I know b/c my H has cheated on me. Why did I stay, I cant give just one reason, but maybe love and hope.

 

Its so easy for the OW to ask these questions, they dont know jack s*** about the real situation at home with the MM. They only know what he tells them.

 

Let me ask this question...

 

Why would a women allow herself to get/stay involved with a MM with a family? I think that is the question that will never have any clear answers.

 

Dont try to figure us out, we are not your concern. You need to figure out yourself and ask why your self esteeem is so low you need to steal married men who will never, ever, really be yours!

[stillafool]

I definitely feel the OW is selling her soul also. She has GOT to be crazy to love someone else's trouble when there are so many single guys out there who could treat you just as bad. I think everyone deserves a second chance. I gave my first husband a 1,2,3,4,5 times caught and that's enough. At some point I had to face reality.

[OldEurope]

I am more of the mind that the wives stay for the prestige and show of it all, indeed. "Losing face" to the world seems more a blow to them than to face reality. I do not see it as love. I do not understand how one can love someone whose actions he or she does not respect.

[Ladyjane14]

I am more of the mind that the wives stay for the prestige and show of it all, indeed. "Losing face" to the world seems more a blow to them than to face reality. I do not see it as love. I do not understand how one can love someone whose actions he or she does not respect.

 

I dunno about that. Betrayed wives actually seem to worry more over "losing face" when they elect NOT to kick a MM's cheating carcass out to the curb. When friends and family all know, it's embarrassing for alot of them to take him back.

 

But you know, MM will cry to their wives like BABIES when the get caught. It's all...."I love you honey, only you. That other woman meant NOTHING to me. I'll never cheat again"...blah, blah, blah.

 

And when she's got kids to think of, and a mortgage to pay, it starts sounding believable to her. She WANTS to believe it's all just been some big mistake, and that the family can go on, and that she can be a nice person and give MM the forgiveness that he's BEGGED her for.

 

OW's aren't the only ones being sold a sack of manure here.

[target-d]

I am more of the mind that the wives stay for the prestige and show of it all, indeed. "Losing face" to the world seems more a blow to them than to face reality.

You're kidding, right? Stay for prestige? You only need to see the forums here to see how LITTLE support a wife has for staying with a husband who has strayed. And if you think other people don't know? You've got that wrong too. The wife who decides to stay has zero support from family and friends as well as COMPLETE loss of "face".

I do not see it as love. I do not understand how one can love someone whose actions he or she does not respect.

But the OW does respect his actions of cheating on his wife? This is simply the lamest argument I've ever heard. Most wives who stay do so for love.

 

The bigger question is why do the husbands, who have been cheating on their wives, stay. They usually say as well that it is for love. But one would think that love would have kept them from cheating in the first place. Love, though is crazy, and sometimes we do the cruelest things to the people we love the most.

[stillafool]

The reason I think that husbands stay is because they know they would be single and broke (as they should be) from paying child support, sometimes spousal support, losing the house, downsizing everything. They aren't going to have the access money to take out the OW and after she spends time with him on this level she may start to think and feel like his W did and goodbye to him! Bam! he's lost it all!!!

[OldEurope]

To Target-d

 

I am sorry, but I disagree with you. I believe many wives want to look past their husbands' infidelities because they, the wives, are "comfortable", have low self-esteem, do not know what to do with themselves, etc. This is how they feel privately. To the outside world, they want to keep up appearances, regardless of those "who know", and to play house for as long as necessary.

 

As for the OW "respecting a man who cheats on his wife": It is not always so much a simple matter of "cheating", is it? With the exception of serial adulterers who are in it, one may say, for the sex, there are a great deal many affairs which are full blown love stories. The basis for these very deep affairs is not sex, but an emotional and physical intimacy with another woman which did not exist or has not for very long existed in his marriage, despite his efforts to bring it about. I can only speak from experience of course...

 

Now, anyone should, of course, be divorced before involving themselves in another relationship, that goes without saying. But many men who do become involved in extramaritial affairs most usually were not divorced prior and have a difficult time with the idea of divorce during the affair, usually out of some sense of responsibility for his wife, perhaps a sense of duty, and most of all, to not upset his children.

[zarathustra]

To Target-d

 

I am sorry, but I disagree with you. I believe many wives want to look past their husbands' infidelities because they, the wives, are "comfortable", have low self-esteem, do not know what to do with themselves, etc. This is how they feel privately. To the outside world, they want to keep up appearances, regardless of those "who know", and to play house for as long as necessary.

 

As for the OW "respecting a man who cheats on his wife": It is not always so much a simple matter of "cheating", is it? With the exception of serial adulterers who are in it, one may say, for the sex, there are a great deal many affairs which are full blown love stories. The basis for these very deep affairs is not sex, but an emotional and physical intimacy with another woman which did not exist or has not for very long existed in his marriage, despite his efforts to bring it about. I can only speak from experience of course...

 

Now, anyone should, of course, be divorced before involving themselves in another relationship, that goes without saying. But many men who do become involved in extramaritial affairs most usually were not divorced prior and have a difficult time with the idea of divorce during the affair, usually out of some sense of responsibility for his wife, perhaps a sense of duty, and most of all, to not upset his children.

 

I have learned from this experience that people do things for many reasons. I don't think that my H gave me a second chance because he has low self esteem but because he loves me and that he wanted us to give us one more try, without the influence of the OM/MM to see if our marriage would work out. So far so good. I'd be lying if MM is completely out of my thoughts, but he is truly out of my life... its my choice, not his.

 

I think all we can speak for is why we do what we choose to do, not assume or guess why others do what they do.

[catgirl1927]

I think that many times women remember the man they fell in love with, the wonderful man who would NEVER do anything so low as cheat. They want to believe that man is still in there and that he will be back if they are just patient. Sure, many stay for the money and comfort, but I think a lot of women just don't want to accept that the men they loved and married aren't really the reality, and that they were fooled.

[beachrosie]

To Target-d

 

I am sorry, but I disagree with you. I believe many wives want to look past their husbands' infidelities because they, the wives, are "comfortable", have low self-esteem, do not know what to do with themselves, etc. This is how they feel privately. To the outside world, they want to keep up appearances, regardless of those "who know", and to play house for as long as necessary.

 

As for the OW "respecting a man who cheats on his wife": It is not always so much a simple matter of "cheating", is it? With the exception of serial adulterers who are in it, one may say, for the sex, there are a great deal many affairs which are full blown love stories. The basis for these very deep affairs is not sex, but an emotional and physical intimacy with another woman which did not exist or has not for very long existed in his marriage, despite his efforts to bring it about. I can only speak from experience of course...

 

Now, anyone should, of course, be divorced before involving themselves in another relationship, that goes without saying. But many men who do become involved in extramaritial affairs most usually were not divorced prior and have a difficult time with the idea of divorce during the affair, usually out of some sense of responsibility for his wife, perhaps a sense of duty, and most of all, to not upset his children.

 

Yes, I totally agree with your assessment.

[Ladyjane14]

It is not always so much a simple matter of "cheating", is it? With the exception of serial adulterers who are in it, one may say, for the sex, there are a great deal many affairs which are full blown love stories. The basis for these very deep affairs is not sex, but an emotional and physical intimacy with another woman which did not exist or has not for very long existed in his marriage, despite his efforts to bring it about.

 

Cheating is cheating. If a person lies... they're a liar. That may seem a black and white POV, but it is what it is. How does coloring it up with romantic phrases change it? Facts are facts. That's why we call 'em that.

 

I can't see this a "a tree falling in the woods" kind of thing. If a tree falls in the woods, and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound? And if a MM cheats on his wife, and she doesn't know or doesn't care ...does it make him a great guy?

 

I don't think it does. Great guys don't lie and cheat. They adhere to their own values, and don't ask other people to suffer indignity on their behalf. If they have a problem, they solve it. They don't slink out with their tail between their legs, drawing their courage from an OW's resolve instead of mustering up their own.

 

That may seem provacative, but it's not intended to be. I just think that romanticizing what is in essence "adultery" serves no good purpose. If someone in intent on jumping off the high dive, best they have a clear idea of how far the drop really is.

[Ladyjane14]

I just wanted to say that I'm not taking a potshot at you in critism of your comments. Never that. I do have a tendancy to make an effort in catching your posts, as they're generally insightful. And as I've said before...I think you handled your situation remarkably well with a forthright manner.

 

I'm wondering though, if you think there's a bit of a cultural difference in women's perceptions on adultery as it pertains to betrayed wives?

I don't think men 'wear the horns' easily no matter what country you're in. But here in the U.S., I think as women we tend to look at betrayed wives as doormats if they're tolerant of a cheating husband. And maybe...we tend to castigate them a little bit.

 

If a BW throws her husband's shirts out on the lawn ten minutes after she finds out he's been catting aroung....we understand that. If she gathers those shirts into a pile, pours gasoline on them and tosses a lit match....we APPLAUD her. She's our hero.

 

There's been quite a few threads recently on 'Why the BW takes a cheating husband back', but there's also been some comments here and there on 'Why BWs don't get much support when the elect forgiveness'.

 

I'm wondering if it's different over there in Europe? One would gather that a woman gains more respect for keeping her marriage intact, based on your posts. But here...they tend to "lose face" by adopting tolerance.

[lover's rock]

A cheating husband is also a liar. He lies not only to the OW but to his wife as well. In my situation, my H told me that he will leave the OW. He and I have made and are making future plans and I am currently carrying our third child. The OW knows this as well but it's been extremely hard for them to let each other go. The OW tried to walk away from just last week, but he told her something that has her holding on again. They both decided that at this point they would rather be wrong than be without each other.

 

I'm not saying anything out of malice. I'm answering the question. I used to feel alot of anger towards the OW but now I pray for her on a regular basis because if I'm hurting because my H sees her a couple of times a week, then I know she's hurting because I'm the one that he goes home to and spends full weekends with. The truth is that she has no idea what he does when he's not with her...and most of the time he's with me. He will ignore her phone calls when he's with me, or call her when I'm not around...but he always picks up my call regardless of whether he's with her or not. He's told her even that we aren't being physically intimate, however I'm pregnant for a reason, right? And what man can resist sex without worrying about protection, logically speaking?

 

He has been upfront with me about his feelings for her and has asked me for time to wean himself off of her. He has told her that he cannot assure their future together because he's not leaving his wife or his family (I have proof of this). He has also told me that he actually wants to be here. I have given him opportunity after opportunity to leave and go be with her. I've told him to leave and be with her and come back later if he wants to. He has asked me not to make him leave and told me that home with me is where he wants to be.

 

There is no glamour in this. No saving face. My family and friends do not understand and everyone (except for my God-fearing nana) has told me to cut him loose. But above all of this, we are friends. We have known each other for 10 years even though we have only been married for 5. His relationship with the OW has only been 4 months. I know that there is no competition. What is being felt on either end can't be helped at this point.

 

Just the nature of the situation says that she will eventually walk away and if she doesn't, he will once his child is born. He has given himself the deadline and doesn't want to be wavering like he was before when he tried NC. In all honesty, my H is miserable and hates this situation. I told him to leave and be with her because I can't stand to see him this way. I want his happiness more than I want my own. However, he has made his choices.

 

We are not "comfortable". And our money troubles are many because I stay at home with the kids and he makes a menial salary. My reasons to stay with him and work through this with him are a) because he has asked me to. b) because I know him better than he knows himself therefore facilitating a love I have for him that is not rooted in fairy tale but in the life we've built together and the trials we've been through already. We've agreed that if we can get through this, our marriage will be unbreakable. and c) because our children deserve for their parents to give it the best shot possible at having a whole marriage thereby facilitating a whole family and a whole household. It breaks our hearts to think that our children who are still very young, would never remember what it was like to live with mommy and daddy. And during our separation we've already seen the effects on them.

 

These are my reasons to stay. I felt like I had to write this because of OldEurope's stance. In my case, money and prestige are things that I've never experienced being with this man from the door. It's not what I require. And it's not why I'm here.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I'm wondering if it's different over there in Europe? One would gather that a woman gains more respect for keeping her marriage intact, based on your posts. But here...they tend to "lose face" by adopting tolerance.

 

Yes, LadyJane. I can attest to the cultural differences in viewing an extramarital affair. I was brought up in Scandinavia. Not that cheating is condoned over there, but it does not necessarily spell divorce either. Most marriages stay intact even after an affair because extramarital sex is often not viewed as a deal breaker, especially if the cheating spouse is willing to work on the marriage. The WS is actually applauded for their efforts instead of being scorned for having extramarital sex.

 

Of course, that does not mean that I will pursue an extramarital affair myself. I believe that being the WS is more emotionally tormenting than being the BS. But that's just my biased opinion. If I succumb to extramarital sex, I'd be admitting that I am weak and spineless... and that is more embarrassing that admitting that my husband had an affair. Does that make sense??