Jessie61 Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I know lots of BS come on here and rant but I want you to understand that some of us were normal ordinary people who thought they had a decent marriage. I know you will find this hard to believe. --- I have never considered the OW forum to be the 'enemy camp', in fact I have had a better insight into why OW get sucked into things. Sylvia, You are totally welcome on the OW forum! And I think that most OW's do realise that most W's are "normal ordinary people", just like you say. No, I don't find that hard to believe at all. I think that both "camps" can learn from each other. I also hope that things work out well for you. Keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
whatasucker Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Well things are not always cut and dry as people think. I have been with my husband for 22 years. Last August (2005) I found out that he cheated on me for 2 years with a tramp a couple years older than our son. I wrote a letter to her family to tell them of the affair since he had even been out to meet her parent in Portage La Prairie. They lied about everything - saying that he was way younger than he is etc so that her family would welcome him. He is 39 and she is I believe now 22 or 23. They told her parents that he was in his early 20's as well. I have emailed her to back off and leave us alone and not to contact my husband anymore and she actually had the nerve to threaten me saying that she would have me arrested. She deserved that humilation with her religious family and much much more. She claims to be all high and mighty YET she knew he was married because my husband & I would go into the coffee shop that she worked at and knew very well that we were together. Don't get me wrong - he is very much at fault tooo as it takes 2. He lied to me lie after lie to cover his affair - he told me that he was driving Semi but it was all a lie - the company that he claimed to drive for did not exisit. I bent over backwards for this man and this is what he did. I may be a glutten for punishment or just plain stupid but we are trying to start fresh again. It has been difficult since this tramp that he had the affair with will not leave us alone. He has asked her to stop calling and she continues to call - asking how he is etc - this is NONE of her business. She is a tramp pure and simple and I do not care that she claims that she is engaged now to the man that she cheated on my husband with - YES can you get a load of that - She cheated on him as well. I would love to plaster the cheaters name all over the web - but at the risk of getting in legal trouble - she is not worth it at all. I think that these women or men that cheat on their spouses have alot to learn in life because what comes around does go around. I think that the thing that just amazes me the most is that she thinks she is so superior - Her family runs a new religious bookstore in Poratge La Prairie, Manitoba, Canada - and from what I understand she has denied all of this to them - I am sure that her family is intelligent enough to see past their lies. My husband and his friends used to sit and laugh at her when she first started working at the Robins Donuts coffee shop - this is before anything happened between them - and they called her a DOG and would always say how much of an air head she was and how very ugly she was. So there you go? My husband is a looser when it comes to this judgement - but it is up to him to be man enough to tell her to get lost and move on with his family where he belongs. She is nothing but a tramp and I wish her marraige (if it is even true) to Fail misserably so she can feel some of the pain that she has put me through. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Hi Sylvia! For me, my kids would have been in a worse situation had I stayed in a loveless relationship. I would have done more damage to my children by staying. Parents are role models and all I would have taught my children was to settle for less! Of course, this was my scenerio. My H was very emotionally abusive to me and my children. Sure we tried the counselling thing, but I couldn't get the love back! Honestly, he could have got laid right in front of me by OW and I wouldn't have cared! I probably would have given her a big hug! For me, I was not going to become what I despised in my H or allow my children to accept love as that "Standard". We left, and I have never been more happier with my decision. My children are much more at peace as well! There are so many scenerios and I do believe people do what is right for their situation. Who is anyone to judge! Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Hi Sylvia! For me, my kids would have been in a worse situation had I stayed in a loveless relationship. I would have done more damage to my children by staying. Parents are role models and all I would have taught my children was to settle for less! Of course, this was my scenerio. My H was very emotionally abusive to me and my children. Sure we tried the counselling thing, but I couldn't get the love back! Honestly, he could have got laid right in front of me by OW and I wouldn't have cared! I probably would have given her a big hug! For me, I was not going to become what I despised in my H or allow my children to accept love as that "Standard". We left, and I have never been more happier with my decision. My children are much more at peace as well! There are so many scenerios and I do believe people do what is right for their situation. Who is anyone to judge! Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best! Wow, RC... If I thought you were strong before reading this, I think you are even stronger after reading it. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you did. You are absolutely right... each situation is different. Like I said before, because my parents were not in a happy marriage and I really didn't feel the love in their marriage, I thought that as long as my H was a different man than my father, then I would be ok. I realized it was more than that. I realized that my H needs to make an effort to make me happy and want to make that effort. My father never made an effort or thought of what would make my mother happy or how to compromise so that my mother would have things a bit easier. I think that my mother never learned what made my father happy nor did she ever learn to stick up for herself. I think she was afraid to leave, had the fear of being on her own and raising us on her own. I think that growing up, having my mother tell me she stayed in the marriage for us, was very damaging to me. There's a lot of guilt that because of me, my mother has been so unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
tallbrunettmom Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I think people in general are too judgemental of eachother. We can all stand back and look at the situation but many of us don't know what we'd actually do in the situation. I stay married because of the money, the fact that my daughter who had already seen her father and I divorce and never sees him so she thinks of my now husband like a father, i'm 29 and can't imagine being twice divorced by thirty, and because no matter how ridiculous it is-society as a whole looks at women who aren't married like trash-women that couldn't keep thier lives together. It's sad but true. My husband isn't cheating(lol..that i know of) but he does equally as disrespectful things and I stay for those reasons above. We all have our reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 TallBrunettmom.... Well I have been proposed to 4 times and married twice! No Big Deal! It's only a number. I certainly don't live by society's rules or even care what other people think of me. Important is what I think of myself and what I can live with! After all, it is my life. Society never is in support, only in judgement, so why would I care what the rules are! Heck! I'll probably get married another 6 times before I die! Who cares! Bottom line is....."I did it my way"!!! Mmmm....I do believe there is a song in that line...*laughing* I always said "I'd rather go to my grave with a smile on my face knowing I lived my life, my way!" Rather than "living someone else's ideas of how I should live". Not for me! Never has been! Never will be! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I think people in general are too judgemental of eachother. We can all stand back and look at the situation but many of us don't know what we'd actually do in the situation. I stay married because of the money, the fact that my daughter who had already seen her father and I divorce and never sees him so she thinks of my now husband like a father, i'm 29 and can't imagine being twice divorced by thirty, and because no matter how ridiculous it is-society as a whole looks at women who aren't married like trash-women that couldn't keep thier lives together. It's sad but true. My husband isn't cheating(lol..that i know of) but he does equally as disrespectful things and I stay for those reasons above. We all have our reasons. I'm so sorry to hear that your current H doesn't treat you the way you deserve, TBM. How does your daughter feel about the way your H treats you? Do you suppose that MC would help you two in working on making the M better? Would you want your daughter to have the kind of M that you have with your H? I guess what I'm saying is that for the sake of your daughter, it may be worth the effort to make a happy marriage so that she can have a good example of what qualities to look for in a man. I think its better than what I did which is to go by what not to accept from a man. I think that way, one ends up accepting the bare minimum rather than going for the best. I hope you don't think that I'm being judgemental, but just speaking as someone who's grown up in an unhappy marriage household. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara..... For gosh sakes woman!!! Would you quit posting at the same time as me!! *laughing* Too funny!!! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara..... For gosh sakes woman!!! Would you quit posting at the same time as me!! *laughing* Too funny!!! :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Hey, what can I say... we are drawn to the same threads.... :lmao: By the way, I love your posts. They are such an inspiration. Though if I don't end up happily ever after with my H, I doubt I would marry again. I'll just 'live in sin'. I find that most men become lazy (lazy as in putting in effort) soon after they marry. Why is that? Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara...... *laughing* Live in sin??? More like Zen!!! *laughing* Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara.... Why do men become lazy?? Perhaps because women enable it or the men are phoney in the beginning and then become themselves! Heck who knows!! Maybe we need to find a Man who is more in touch with their feminine side! Still packing the goods, but more in touch with their emotions! *laughing* Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara...... *laughing* Live in sin??? More like Zen!!! *laughing* Hey, living in zen works for me too... kept bumping into xMM today at work. I dun get it... there's 4 doors on my floor, why does he always have to go through the ones that passes my desk to get to where he wants to go? The other door gets him to his destination just as quickly. It feels like a ghost is haunting me sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara..... I do believe I told you to rig up a sharp pencil to your desk...... OWEEEEE......lol Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara..... I do believe I told you to rig up a sharp pencil to your desk...... OWEEEEE......lol Indeed you did... but I don't think I'm allowed to throw things at people, especially the full timers. If I could, I think I would make a sling shot and fire rocks at him... lol Darn schucks! Freaking office policies. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara.... *laughing* Here's an idea..... You can always get one of those motion detectors that make an offensive sound as in (passing gas)....and put it outside your office door! Nothing like making him feel like the Sh*T he is..... He is sure to think twice after a couple of those going off and would prefer a detour!...... *laughing* Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Zara.... *laughing* Here's an idea..... You can always get one of those motion detectors that make an offensive sound as in (passing gas)....and put it outside your office door! Nothing like making him feel like the Sh*T he is..... He is sure to think twice after a couple of those going off and would prefer a detour!...... *laughing* I wish I had an office... alas, I'm a peon... I only have a cube. I feel like Dilbert. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 no matter how ridiculous it is-society as a whole looks at women who aren't married like trash-women that couldn't keep thier lives together. It's sad but true. My husband isn't cheating(lol..that i know of) but he does equally as disrespectful things and I stay for those reasons above. We all have our reasons. I don't know what "society" you live in, but mine does not regard women who are not married as "trash". Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I don't know what "society" you live in, but mine does not regard women who are not married as "trash". I agree. I have to believe women and men have evolved at this point that this mentality doesn't exist anymore. For the most part. There are always the few exceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillafool Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 Well I have been proposed to 4 times and married twice! No Big Deal! It's only a number. I certainly don't live by society's rules or even care what other people think of me. Important is what I think of myself and what I can live with! After all, it is my life. Society never is in support, only in judgement, so why would I care what the rules are! Heck! I'll probably get married another 6 times before I die! Who cares! Bottom line is....."I did it my way"!!! Mmmm....I do believe there is a song in that line...*laughing* I always said "I'd rather go to my grave with a smile on my face knowing I lived my life, my way!" Rather than "living someone else's ideas of how I should live". Not for me! Never has been! Never will be! I agree with you 100% on this. People make themselves sick trying to live up to others expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I think that many times women remember the man they fell in love with, the wonderful man who would NEVER do anything so low as cheat. They want to believe that man is still in there and that he will be back if they are just patient. Sure, many stay for the money and comfort, but I think a lot of women just don't want to accept that the men they loved and married aren't really the reality, and that they were fooled. For awhile there after my Hs EA I was trying to deal with the thought that "he wasn't the man I thought he was." After awhile though I realized that he was/is indeed the man I thought he was and who I married. We all have our own highs and lows. I believe it is how one deals with them that defines them. None of us are perfect ... I know I can't throw the first stone. If a man/woman is truly sorry and does everything in their power to make a situation right, whatever that situation may be, then they usually are the person everyone thought they were from the beginning. I didn't stay with my H for the money, for the kids, for "looks" or anything else like that ... I stayed with him because of our love together and the fact that he is the man I married. Link to post Share on other sites
beachrosie Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I don't know what "society" you live in, but mine does not regard women who are not married as "trash". I agree again Old Europe - I have never really read anything more absurb, and wonder what planet this person is living on?? If anything the opposite is true...People staying in marriages because they don't have a backbone or strength to do what is best for themselves and most of all their children. People putting their children through a living hell, setting them up for a horrible adult life, because of their own total selfishness. It appears to have little to do with any love of others, just a weakness in themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 People staying in marriages because they don't have a backbone or strength to do what is best for themselves and most of all their children. People putting their children through a living hell, setting them up for a horrible adult life, because of their own total selfishness. I don't think it is so black and white though. There is a definite gray area there. Leaving is the toughest thing to do. You are admitting defeat and that it is something that either can't be fixed, or something you are unwilling to work on fixing by yourself. Of course, in hind-sight you realize it was the best thing you ever did, but you don't come to that conclusion immediately, or easily. In my first marriage it took me 10 years to leave. 10 years! I knew within the first two years it wasn't going to work ... heck, I knew the night of our wedding I did the wrong thing. I thought I was actually doing the "right" thing at the time ... staying with my H, so that my kids would not be from a "broken" home. However, as they got older I realized that by staying in the marriage as it was, I was doing more damage to my kids than if I were to leave. That was the breaking point for me, but it took awhile to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 When it comes to self conviction, I can't image two strong women who I admire more than both Lady Jane and Old Europe. Although their priorities and goals in life may be somewhat different, they are both equal in courage and strength. Ideally, as mere spectators, we all want nothing more than to see someone who we feel is being mistreated to be freed from the burden of their situation. If you have any assemblance of a conscience at all, it's only natural to feel ill-will towards the perpetrator while championing the victim. Most of us folks love nothing more than to see a happy ending … the bad guy (or girl) get their comeuppance and the betrayed walk away vindicated and victorious. It's the stuff cheesy romance novels and Hollywood fiction is made of. But what exactly constitutes a victory? --- Saving your marriage and family, or saving yourself? Neither resolve is easy. They both require equal amounts of strength and courage. And sometimes, finding forgiveness in your heart for someone in spite of your pain and fear requires the most Herculean effort of all. Often, it's easier for those of us (like myself) who would rather torch the laundry and change the locks than ever put myself through that kind of pain. I'll be the first to admit I'm a bloody coward! It isn't about saving face, playing house, who's weak or who's strong. It's about each individual's threshold of tolerance and how much discomfort they are emotionally able to endure. And as anyone who's been through a divorce will tell you; when enough is finally enough …you'll know it! Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Enigma.... Well Said!!! I agree! Everyone's tolerance varies and that when it is time to leave, you will know! I will state for the record, that I did exhaust every avenue available to try and salvage the marriage. Nothing worked! Nothing because there was only one person in the marriage trying to piece it together ME! Without both parties working towards saving the marriage, there are two choices: 1. Remain & Accept 2. Leave & Forget For me, I just knew! The day I left, I felt like I crawled out from under a bolder. I even noticed a change in my breathing and energy levels. From the day I left to present, I have NOT given it so much as a second thought for leaving! No regrets! Yes! A person really does Know! Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 But what exactly constitutes a victory? --- Saving your marriage and family, or saving yourself? Great question which will provide different answers for each person/situation. In my first marriage, my victory was saving myself. In my current marriage, my victory was saving my marriage and family. Link to post Share on other sites
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