Why Does The Wife Stay When He Cheats????

[SoleMate]

Back to Hilary Clinton: I do not scorn her as a doormat, nor as a ruthlessly ambitious politician who accepts a loveless marriage just to feed her greed for power. I think as follows about her situation:

 

* I don 't know exactly what the Clinton marriage is like, but I believe that it may contain a great deal of warmth, respect, love, and companionship. It is a longterm marriage of two people who have a lot in common. The grotesque cheating coexists with the above

 

* I respect her for being strong and in particular, avoiding any public statement about her husband's infidelities. I imagine and hope that she let him know in the privacy of their home just what the whole mess did to her

 

* I respect her for achieving her goals and keeping her head up. She may have felt humiliation - but she is not currently acting out the part of a humiliated woman

 

If I had to, I would much rather be her than be a woman who divorced and became bitter, angry and dysfuctional. Living well is the best revenge. If she were my friend, I would fully support her in her struggle to rebuild a life, and even rebuild a relationship with her cheating H. It's really her choice, and those who would criticize a woman for this choice are just a bunch of self-righteous Nosey Parkers. You find that your world suddenly blows up on you? Isn't it your choice to CHOOSE the path you want to take out of the rubble?

[RealityCheck]

SoulMate...

 

AND what makes you think that DIVORCED woman are bitter, angry and disfunctional!!!!

 

WTF is this all about!!!!

 

SHAME ON YOU for attaching such a lable to DIVORCED WOMEN!!

 

Here's a reality check for you....

 

-OH yes my husband please do beat me to a pulp because I really enjoy it and I love to see how happy it makes you to smash me in the face with your fists!!!!

 

-OH yes my dear husband call me down and degrade me! You know how wonderful I feel to be called all kinds of names and to be made to feel worthless!!

 

-Oh yes my dear husband who vowed to be faithful. Please screw around on me and bring home a disease so that I could put my name to that wonderful stats list!

 

These are only a few examples of why people leave a marriage! and with ALL DUE RESPECT! GOOD FOR THEM! Because staying in a marriage for ALL the wrong reasons is DISFUNCTIONAL!!!

 

HAVE YOU GONE STARK RAVING MAD!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

HAVE YOU GONE STARK RAVING MAD!!!

 

I think your tender spots have led you to misinterpret Solemate's response.

 

This is also a remarkably strong and courageous woman who has found her own path out of the rubble (the same as yours and mine) … but it was obviously the correct choice for her (regardless of what anyone might think) because it has not left her bitter or angry towards those who've chosen a different road than her's.

[catgirl1927]

I can understand Reality_Check's defensiveness, though, because often people automatically label a woman who is divorced with all sorts of negatives.

 

And I know from personal experience that women trapped in unhappy marriages can be very quick to label anyone who has escaped as an amoral whore who hates children and men.

 

I'm not saying that's what SoleMate did, I'm just trying to explain the defensiveness that comes from being attacked at every turn because you made a decision that was different from someone else's. I'm sure SoleMate has been attacked for her choices and can relate to that feeling, we all can.

[RealityCheck]

I have worked with women in Crisis Centers and I can say this for sure...

 

It may take a lot of blood, sweat and tears to stay and try to make a marriage work....

 

BUT...

 

It takes alot of GUTS AND COURAGE to leave an abusive relationship!

 

DIVORCE is a piece of paper!

 

LIFE is a person!

[Ladyjane14]

I think your tender spots have led you to misinterpret Solemate's response.

 

This is also a remarkably strong and courageous woman who has found her own path out of the rubble (the same as yours and mine) … but it was obviously the correct choice for her (regardless of what anyone might think) because it has not left her bitter or angry towards those who've chosen a different road than her's.

 

Agreed with Enigma...(Nothin' unusal about that! )

 

Solemate's all that. Even if she wasn't a divorced lady herself....she wouldn't be going around slamming them. She's a class act.

 

I think what she probably has in mind is when infidelity leads a BS to divorce and then feelings remain unresolved.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Yup! I read Solemate's statement to mean that she grew emotinally and intellectually by forcing herself to work on the problems. Choosing to throw away something that's damaged is much easier than fixing it, but you wouldn't have learned new skills and insights. That is very true. I actually like her whole post... including her analysis of Hillary's choice to stay.

[Blind Illusion]

Yup! I read Solemate's statement to mean that she grew emotinally and intellectually by forcing herself to work on the problems. Choosing to throw away something that's damaged is much easier than fixing it, but you wouldn't have learned new skills and insights. That is very true. I actually like her whole post... including her analysis of Hillary's choice to stay.

 

Except sometimes, one stays because it is easier to try to fix things than to start anew. That's the scariest thing for some.

 

Mind you, I am not talking about BS or OW here. I am talking about myself. For the longest time, I stayed in a bad marriage thinking it could be fixed if only he would go to therapy, he wasn't so negative, etc. Then I found myself in an affair which helped soften the problems at home but created new ones in how I felt. Perhaps this all could have been avoided had I the confidence in the beginning to leave what was an unfixable situation.

 

I can't berate myself though for what I could have done. I can only move forward now.

[RealityCheck]

BlindIllusion....

 

You are correct!

 

Move forward and KNOW you did what was right for YOU!

 

*hug*

[silktricks]

I said I was going take a break from LS, but as I do browse the forum on occasion, this thread got my attention.

 

I believe that most women on this forum, both OW and BS get caught up in what happened in their own lives and then extrapolate that experience to include all of humanity. That simply is not realistic. Everyone has their own experience and their own reasons for doing (or not doing) things. Anything I post in this thread will be from my experience, my life and my reasons for making the choices I made. Please keep that in mind, even if I do get carried away and sound like I mean everybody.

 

OE: I believe that for some people what you have said is absolutely correct. The problem is that there are also a number of people for whom it doesn’t apply at all. Of course a wife is humiliated by her husband’s affair, whether it is a full fledged love affair for which he is actually willing to leave his wife (as was the case with you), or whether it is an emotional affair in which he talks to another woman about things that should be only between husband and wife, or any of the gradations in between. In our society it is humiliating to be seen as less than perfect, and if your husband has ANY kind of affair it certainly drives home the fact to that you are (and that he is, too, which is also humiliating). However, to extrapolate that to say that a wife stays BECAUSE of the humiliation and because of her pride and because of the “prestige” of having a good marriage is, IMHO taking a jump that is simply not founded.

 

I personally, as with many other BS on this forum have been subjected to far more criticism from EVERYONE due to our decision to stay, then we would have undergone had we chosen to dump the man and go on alone.

 

To answer the OP I don’t believe that most women do choose to stay with their husband KNOWING that they are currently having an affair. I certainly did not. But I also was actually separated from him at the time that he had the EA. Usually the BS chooses to forgive either after the fact or at the very conclusion of the affair. Some men such as my husband, when they “come to” are truly contrite. It is obvious from their actions (not just their words, but their actions) that this was a one-time, never to be repeated, complete and utter error in judgment.

 

Stability, money and reputation had zero to do with my decision to stay. We are each financially secure and neither of us need to rely on the other for money. There is something to be said for stability, but to stay in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship for that reason is not merely stupid, but would in actuality create instability in my life. If I was getting a student report card, in big bold letters it would say “DOES NOT SHARE WELL WITH OTHERS”. I personally would never stay in a relationship where I knew I was sharing my husband’s attention and/or love. I didn’t know. In fact, while my husband was having his EA he was also trying very hard to convince me to come back to him. Had I “discovered” the relationship, I honestly don’t know what I would have done. Stay or go? It would have depended upon my husband’s reaction when I hit him with a baseball bat. But I didn't discover it. When I told him I was returning he confessed all.

 

Did I stay for children? No. Mine are grown and gone. Besides, I didn’t stay with their blood father for “stability”, I wouldn’t have stayed with their step-father for that reason either.

 

I stayed because of love. Simply put, I love him, and also simply put, I know that he loves me.

 

Like Striving said, this is the man I married. I never expected him to be perfect, regardless of what society says. (Don’t get me wrong, I did expect him to be faithful.) He made a mistake - a doozy of one, but still a mistake. I want to be forgiven at least once for any mistakes I make, and I’ve made a full load of mistakes. If I don’t give forgiveness, how can I expect to receive it?

[silktricks]

About the Clinton’s --- I wouldn’t presume to judge Hillary for choosing to stay with her husband, and there is a part of me that resents the fact that some here are ready to judge her for the reasons that they IMAGINE she has stayed. No one but she and her husband and possibly (but only possibly) their daughter know the true reason. I personally believe that she truly loves her husband, and I very much admire the fact that she was willing to take the tremendous humiliation she must feel and go on despite that. That to me is a measure of true courage. It would have been (again IMHO) much easier and she would have received much more praise and made much more political “hay” had she dumped him and gone on.

 

I agree in total with SoleMate. It's very easy to fall into the angry bitter trap. I divorced my first husband, when I had two very small children, and had no idea of what my financial future would be like. I fully expected it to be very bad. That didn't matter because it was more important to get out of a truly terrible marriage. Reality check, emotional abuse is real, and to my mind, every bit as bad as physical abuse. I walked out of my first marriage, barely having my mind intact. I also spent a lot of effort and a lot of time after that first marriage was over to make sure that I wouldn't turn in to an angry bitter person.

 

And by the way - I also don't believe that anyone thinks a woman who is unmarried, be she forever single or divorced - even divorced multiple times - is trash. One of the things I most enjoy about our society is the variety within it.

[Guest]

BlindIllusion....

 

You are correct!

 

Move forward and KNOW you did what was right for YOU!

 

*hug*

 

I agree with Silktricks' in that each individual situation has it's own

set of circumstances. I think it is dangerous to generalize "women"

or "men" and determine what each gender feels or should feel given

a certain situation. Each of us (in my opinion) is motivated by our

own individual feelings, desires, and opinions. As a male, I would not

expect another "male" to see things exactly as I do simply due our

similar genders. Furthermore, can anyone really make stereotypical

statements when it comes to matter of the heart? I am new so if

I have spoken out of context please accept my apology. SoleMate

you make a tremedous amount of sense.

[RealityCheck]

Silktricks....

 

*applause*

 

Well said! Well expressed! Well written!

 

I just want to clairify my rebuttle!

 

Firstly, under no circumstances do I EVER judge a W for staying! Every experience is unique to them. I am ALL for trying to make a marriage work! For me, it was ONLY me giving 100% so I get a little defensive when the "Divorced Woman" is mentioned and that it is viewed as easier to run than it is to work things out! I am a fighter, and survivor and I have RESPECT for Women who choose either path!

 

In fact, and I have stated this in many postings I feel for the Women FIRST! So often, and I am sure many will agree, that we as women, tend to lash out at our own sex! Why? Because we are emotional! That is our true nature. Reality is, if woman EVER stop to think about it, we are actually protective of our same sex! THAT IS REALITY! However, we tend to express our emotions as though we are repulsed at the Woman's behavior and lash out when we really are feeling emotion for the other through a very deep compassionate place. Many times because we have shared the same experience.

 

Because our emotions run so deep, many things are taken the wrong way! This has been the phenomeum that MEN have, and never will get!

 

Women get this! With their many circle of friends, support groups etc...

The problem is when we are faced with uncertainties in TRUST, now this can be with new acquaintences or people of this Forum, our defense mechanisms react! Because Women have been known for it to be thier duty for so long to serve and protect.

 

I know I have based my opinion many times in this Forum, however I can guarantee whether the issue is Stay, Divorce, OW, W, ETC.... I will forever remain in the WOMANS corner! With the exception of JUDGEMENT.

 

My biggest reaction you will find is JUDGEMENT! I have ZERO tolerance for anything in that respect. I will and forever give my opinion when I feel another WOMAN is being judged for her actions!

 

If I interpert a posting that sparked a cord in Judgement, I will let it be known!

 

There is a saying "point a finger and there is three coming right back at you"!

[OldEurope]

Back to Hilary Clinton: I do not scorn her as a doormat, nor as a ruthlessly ambitious politician who accepts a loveless marriage just to feed her greed for power. I think as follows about her situation:

 

* I don 't know exactly what the Clinton marriage is like, but I believe that it may contain a great deal of warmth, respect, love, and companionship. It is a longterm marriage of two people who have a lot in common. The grotesque cheating coexists with the above

 

* I respect her for being strong and in particular, avoiding any public statement about her husband's infidelities. I imagine and hope that she let him know in the privacy of their home just what the whole mess did to her

 

* I respect her for achieving her goals and keeping her head up. She may have felt humiliation - but she is not currently acting out the part of a humiliated woman

 

* If I had to, I would much rather be her than be a woman who divorced and became bitter, angry and dysfuctional.

 

1) "Grotesque cheating" coexists with "warmth" and "respect"?...Um, I will let that one speak for itself

 

2) She was all over television about it; she wrote an autobiography in which his (incessant) infidelities and her reaction were made the central public relations feature for the book; her senatorial campaign cynically parlayed her marriage/humiliations into the political arena(in her speeches, etc), in what I guess was a calculation to attract female voters.

 

3) Not acting out the part of humiliation? Do go back and re-review those old Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric interviews.....Nah, on second thought, you have better things to do...

 

4) She is bitter and angry. I am good friends with one of her heaviest political backers and that friend knows her intimately, and has described her, unfortunately, as such.

 

I am sorry..I know this is not a thread on the Clintons, but I think hers (and his as well) is one of the biggest theater acts around, and that she is no model for women to follow. No, I am not a Republican and yes, she voted for this stupid Middle East war.

 

OE

[Blind Illusion]

With the exception of JUDGEMENT.

 

My biggest reaction you will find is JUDGEMENT! I have ZERO tolerance for anything in that respect. I will and forever give my opinion when I feel another WOMAN is being judged for her actions!

 

If I interpert a posting that sparked a cord in Judgement, I will let it be known!

 

There is a saying "point a finger and there is three coming right back at you"!

 

If I can agree more than 100%, I would, for that is so *me* also. While there may be common threads and parts of circumstances that are similar, everyone has their own unique upbringing and experience that they bring to the table. Why judge another person even if you don't agree that you would do likewise. Does it really matter? I always say to master yourself first and then branch out to other lives. (Naturally, this excludes husbands, boyfriends, lovers, etc....one is always free to try and improve their lives to the best of one's ability) [Just kidding:)]

 

I always loved that "pointing a finger" quote.

[Blind Illusion]

You are going to flame me here but it's because of the kids. I was brought up in a broken home and I swore it would never happen to my kids. Despite what my husband has done to me, he is a great Dad. My kids adore him. I know that to tell them that they were going to see him twice a week from now on would break their hearts and I don't want to do that.

 

Some of you have said it is better for children to have 2 loving parents. Well, that's the OPTIMAL situation you have there. Very few people are ever brought up in the optimal situation and from my POV it is better for children to have 2 parents even if they are not all over each other than to have a broken home. I read all the time 'Children are resilient - they bounce back' I bet the majority of people who say that have never been in that situation. I know from my own childhood that I did not bounce back. I was miserable for many years.

 

 

Sylvia

 

I can understand that and have wondered that myself. It's probably part of what kept me in a bad marriage till now. Sometimes i feel like you do. Other times I wonder if my kids will be one of those that can't wait to get out of the house because it is not a happy enviroment because of the bad marriage.

 

The biggest problem is that we can't live life both ways and see which choice had the better outcome. I can't go back and redo my children's lives, only this time without him at an earlier point and see if they fared better. Guess all we can do is make the best choice that we think to at the time.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to say, that even from a different vantage point, ie that of the OW, I can really appreciate this sentiment.

[NoIDidn't]

I am always intrigued by this question from the OP. But I will just ask another question, or two?

 

1. Why does the OP stay or get involved with the cheater?

 

2. Why does the OP care if W stays?

 

It is hard to stay with a cheater, especially an emotional cheater, but why complicate things by making the W seem like she is making an inferior choice? M is not easy to dissolve. Maybe she is not ready to give up. Maybe she loves her H. Maybe this question is better stated, why does the MM go back to W if he was so intent on leaving before?

 

***Forgive me, I've been grumpy as of late and getting tired of the questioning of the Ws sanity. Money, kids, prestige, whatever...her reasons and her M are hers to figure out.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

***Forgive me, I've been grumpy as of late and getting tired of the questioning of the Ws sanity. Money, kids, prestige, whatever...her reasons and her M are hers to figure out.

 

I don't look at it as that anyone is questioning our (BSs) sanity. I look at is as they are trying to fully understand the situation, just as we (BSs) are by coming here to the OW/OM Forum, posting and asking questions of the OW/OM.

 

There are the black/white posts, the you are stupid/blind posts for staying. I've received them, I don't like them, and yes, they use to bother me. But you have to learn to ignore those and if you spend some more time watching, you will see these types of posts get blasted by OW/OM/BS alike.

[stillafool]

What does BS stand for? thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Betrayed spouse.

[Wicked Wanda]

But you don't see that when an OW is having an affair with a MM is selling her soul???

 

She is! More so than the wife... And I am speaking from personal experience.

[movinon05]

She is! More so than the wife... And I am speaking from personal experience.

 

 

Wanda, I still have to say, I don't know how you are doing this all these years!

[Galaxy]

The OW, however, is simply fighting to keep someone who SO clearly has shown her ZERO respect and loyalty.

 

A cheater has loyalty and respect for no one.

[Galaxy]

"Betrayed wives actually seem to worry more over "losing face" when they elect NOT to kick a MM's cheating carcass out to the curb. When friends and family all know, it's embarrassing for alot of them to take him back."

 

Truth is that when most W try to heal their relationships, who is going to tell family and friends? Nobody. It is just too embarrassing. Look at Lacy Peterson. Her parents had no clue that Scott cheated on her twice before the blonde chick came along and Lacy knew of these affairs. Never told one soul!

[Guest]

And the reason is always the same. There are MANY reasons why the wife stays, but the usual over-riding reason is because she loves him. She loves the man she fell in love with and married. She also knows that many people make many mistakes.

 

She usually has FAR more experience and history with the man than does the OW, as well as a far greater investment. A wife also took a vow "for better or for worse". Usually she figure this is the "for worse" part.

 

 

I am one of those Wives who have stayed after an affair. I do love the man I fell in love with and married and I still believe I love him just as much as I did the day we married. 27 years of marriage is alot to throw away. I guess this is the worse that could happen and was that worse that happened so far. Our children are grown, so it wasn't staying together for them.

 

After I found out, he was the one that wanted to stay, he was the one that said he was sorry. He said he made a mistake. After 3 1/2 months, he still says he is amazed that I would even want to stay with him, but he is glad. He said he was more of an emotional affair that got out of hand, and it seemed more of an infactuation than anything. He said it no way compared with what we have together.

 

We have also not told anyone and if people have asked, we have denied it and said it was a rumor. It is embarrassing and the less people that know the better. I don't want anyone pitying me. It is our mess and we have chosen to clean it up ourselves. So far it is going well. I am aiming for another 27 years, hopefully without any more bumps in the road.