Why Does The Wife Stay When He Cheats????

[fisher-man]

If I succumb to extramarital sex, I'd be admitting that I am weak and spineless... and that is more embarrassing that admitting that my husband had an affair. Does that make sense??

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel that I acted, as a weak, spineless NOTHING. When I look at my actions over the course of the affair I get physically ill, to the point where I feel that my entire psyche is going to dissolve. I thank God daily that my wife forgave me. I wish instead that my wife had been unfaithful. That would have been easier for me to take than my own betrayal of both her and me.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe, maybe not. You'd be on the receiving end of a huge amount of pain and learning how to trust her again. And then some...

 

Fish, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you seem really sincere about everything that you've done, you've owned up to the awful mistake you chose to do - And you have a second chance. That is good! All I can say right now, for your own sake - Forgive yourself. Your wife has forgiven you, so don't you think it's time you should too?

[OzGirl]

I'm not a BS, but am curious to know from those BS's posting... how much do you think is taken on face value after you've found out and your thoughts on yourself, what you deserve, etc, and what your husband is now doing for you....

 

Ie, what are your thoughts, if any, on:

 

• He feels guilty only for being caught out.
  
• He can invest energy in the marriage for being caught out after he's lead the pseudo-life of a single man and has that renewed energy for now having the knowledge he's 'still got it'.
  
• He can be in an emotionally attached status with someone then *bam*, dump them. I know it's the 'right' thing to do, but that trait in him - to lure someone in then leave without picking up the pieces with the OW... do you question what makes a man ABLE to do that?

I'm not at all criticizing BS's for their choice, but I must admit... is it about you and what you feel for yourself, or what you feel for your H?

 

I just wonder how, after he's shown a capacity to do something so disrespectful to the institution of marriage and fatherhood, how can you accept that?

 

I bet if I was married for 15 years, then got to have a fling and feel sexy and hot to some young thang, I too, would have all the time for my H given that I now have found out what I wanted to know about what's on the other side and had lost the fear that should it all go pear shaped, I can still 'pick up'.

 

Again, it's just my comments and yes, they're uneducated... hence asking the questions i have.

[OldEurope]

I just wanted to say that I'm not taking a potshot at you in critism of your comments. Never that. I do have a tendancy to make an effort in catching your posts, as they're generally insightful. And as I've said before...I think you handled your situation remarkably well with a forthright manner.

 

I'm wondering though, if you think there's a bit of a cultural difference in women's perceptions on adultery as it pertains to betrayed wives?

I don't think men 'wear the horns' easily no matter what country you're in. But here in the U.S., I think as women we tend to look at betrayed wives as doormats if they're tolerant of a cheating husband. And maybe...we tend to castigate them a little bit.

 

If a BW throws her husband's shirts out on the lawn ten minutes after she finds out he's been catting aroung....we understand that. If she gathers those shirts into a pile, pours gasoline on them and tosses a lit match....we APPLAUD her. She's our hero.

 

I'm wondering if it's different over there in Europe? One would gather that a woman gains more respect for keeping her marriage intact, based on your posts. But here...they tend to "lose face" by adopting tolerance.

 

 

No...no offense taken, LJ and I follow your posts very closely as well as they are remarkably intelligent.

 

First off, I in no way want to romanticize cheating and that really was not the motivation that spurred me to write what I did.

 

I do believe however that there are men who try to reach out to their wives to better the marriage or to discuss the fundamental problems, and they are thoroughly rejected by these wives. In many cases, there are men who are emotionally beaten down by such hardened attitudes and are left in an exceedingly difficult position of having no "wife", essentially, that is--no true life partner except legally and they understandably can become prone to affairs. This is faaaar different than an extended one night stand situation.

 

As for lying, my situation I guess is exceptional. My then ex MM told his then W right away--within the first month--that there was someone in his life for whom he had strong feelings that were growing, and whom he was seeing regularly. He asked his ex W to seriously examine with him how bad their marriage had become; that its foundation was weak, if not loveless, from the very beginning. Her response was basically, Shut up with such nonsense and by the way I want a crocidile purse, not a leather one for my birthday. Oh, then came a kick in the stomach which sent him to the emergency room for an operation. It went on like this for about a year.

 

I am American, raised in the Midwest, conservative. My European H is a very strong Catholic and this whole matter sent him to a psycho therapist because of the confusion and sense of troubled conscience over the whole matter. So these delineations about American-European culture when it comes to private lives and values I find a bit too easily drawn. This is not about French presidents inviting the "official mistress" to dinners and that kind of thing, but very human hurt, very human stress that to my mind is trans-Atlantic--hell, universal. PS on this, I know several European women who have divorced never to accept their husbands back, no matter the "tradition".

 

And as for "strong American women" who throw shirts on the lawn and burn them, well case in point. Many Americans think that Hilary Clinton is the end-all be-all of Womanly Strength, and yet, there she is still married to her serial philanderer (this is not a political comment folks, but for this sake of argument only), who essentially humiliated her for all the world to see, and despite her earlier words otherwise, she is still "standin' by her man".

 

Crazy world.

 

oe

[OzGirl]

And as for "strong American women" who throw shirts on the lawn and burn them, well case in point. Many Americans think that Hilary Clinton is the end-all be-all of Womanly Strength, and yet, there she is still married to her serial philanderer (this is not a political comment folks, but for this sake of argument only), who essentially humiliated her for all the world to see, and despite her earlier words otherwise, she is still "standin' by her man".

 

I don't think Hilary is that different to other wives... is she 'standin' by her man' or is she saying that because it suits a need that is about her, and no longer about her desire to be there simply as happy wife? Ie, without her husband, how much more difficult would her personal political pursuits have been (in her eyes)?

 

Without a H, how much more difficult is it to put a roof over your head and food on the table for the kids and take annual vacations?

 

I think it's a trade-off.... if the W gets something secondary and important out of staying for herself, then why wouldn't she stay?

 

For love? If she was staying for love, then she would be long gone. An A is a symptom something's broken in the marriage. In the case of infidelity as an 'out', the MM stays married (for the other secondary and important reasons), but strays. The W is not merely a bystander. She knows it's not perfect, and it's possibly not until an affair is revealed that what she's upset about is the threat to lose (and the risk he posed) what ELSE she wants and has.

 

You can't tell me you believe a man who is married to a wife who is attentive, loving, nurturing, caring, and all those things goes looking for an OW.... well, we all know that.

 

But, you can't tell me that if you were not inspired to be attentive, loving, nurturing, caring and all those things to your MM all of a sudden, you wouldn't know your relationship is the pits. The difference is, you can just let the relationship die. That's all it is essentially. For the W, she can't. She's dependant on him in non-romantic ways and for some, it's all they've known from a young age. Their fears (real or imagined) of going it without the H make them feel helpless, I would think. So, what's a W to do? Stay and say "you're a bastard, but I don't want you to go", or stay and say "okay, let's work on our marriage".

 

At least whilst they're both doing that, he's getting her attention (finally) and she's not losing everything else she depends on him for.

 

Plus, there's always the added bonus for them - they may even rekindle some 'love' and get to enjoy an affair of their own all over again.

 

I'm sure this isn't the case always, but it sure does seem common.

[OzGirl]

Imagine you're 16 years old. You hate your parents and argue with them all the time. You visit your friends and avoid being at home as much as possible... but you can't actually move out. You have no money, no where to go, and as much as you hate it, you have no realistic healthy choice but to stay there.

 

Imagine you're 16 and you have a baby as well, and you're in that same situation.

 

Then, your parents tell you the reason they've been neglecting you is because they were having parties with other 16 year olds behind your back.

 

You'd be p!ssed off with them. But at the end of the day... you still can't leave them because you NEED them.

 

They vow not to do it again, and go to a lot of effort to help you, driving you everywhere, looking after your baby, and making life easier than it was before their "affair" with other teens commenced.

 

You'd be thinking - so far, this looks a little like what I wished I always had.

 

So, are you going to leave and find a shelter for single teenage mothers, and hope you can survive on that kind of life, OR, give it another shot with your parents?

 

I would be giving it a shot with my parents. If they partied with other teenagers again and neglected me, then fine, I'd go, because the merry-go-round of the emotions attached would be harder to bare than just getting out and starting somewhere where I'm at least in control, if not poor and hungry.

 

Does this make sense? It's the only thing that has made me look at my ex-MM's W and understand why she's there.

 

To be somewhere only for 'love' is romantic and fairy tale and a dream come true. But, fairy tales are fairy tales for a reason. If for love alone was a reason we all stayed in relationships (like it feels for an OW, I know), then fairy tales would be about polygamous lifestyles maybe where the love is merely multiplied???!! Who knows....

[OldEurope]

I don't think Hilary is that different to other wives... is she 'standin' by her man' or is she saying that because it suits a need that is about her, and no longer about her desire to be there simply as happy wife? Ie, without her husband, how much more difficult would her personal political pursuits have been (in her eyes)?

 

Without a H, how much more difficult is it to put a roof over your head and food on the table for the kids and take annual vacations?

 

I think it's a trade-off.... if the W gets something secondary and important out of staying for herself, then why wouldn't she stay?

 

 

Well, you are basically confirming my earlier argument, that there are women who stay in their marriages for the conveniences, comforts, and in many cases, the "look" of it all. For Hilary, it was political opportunity alongside what is essentially a sham marriage.

 

I, for one, find all this an abysmal reason to stay in a marriage in which a spouse is otherwise actively cheating or in love with someone else. I say, buy your own vacations, write your own campaign poster (she was popular enough on her own, that Hilary), and keep your self respect.

[movinon05]

Well, you are basically confirming my earlier argument, that there are women who stay in their marriages for the conveniences, comforts, and in many cases, the "look" of it all. For Hilary, it was political opportunity alongside what is essentially a sham marriage.

 

I, for one, find all this an abysmal reason to stay in a marriage in which a spouse is otherwise actively cheating or in love with someone else. I say, buy your own vacations, write your own campaign poster (she was popular enough on her own, that Hilary), and keep your self respect.

 

I have to agree OldEurope. If I enter a M ever again, I need it all. I couldn't possibly live with someone who professes love but goes off to another woman. If I have to scrape by for awhile, then I'll do it. I've been doing it all my life so its not scary for me. Is it what I want? No. But it is something I would do. For my own sanity and self respect and peace of mind. I need to depend on myself if I can't depend on someone else. Women don't believe in themselves enough to stand on their own. We haven't come full circle yet.

[OzGirl]

This is another thing I don't get.

 

Staying for the kids. Really? Or staying because you can't support them on your own....

 

I left my daughter's father... didn't ask him for any money, but rather, just to take care of her 50% of the time. He was a good father - just not a great partner for me. He is, as it turns out, a good partner for his new (and, now, long-term) g/f.

 

My child hasn't suffered at all. Neither have I. So, I don't have his income to depend on.

 

Small price to pay for my sanity, confidence, and ability to freely love and nurture my child without compromising who I am and who I want to be to do so.

 

I think it's almost an unwritten blackmail to put on the kids to say you're staying for them. They're not stupid.

 

My mother stayed with my dad, who was a bit of a ladies man, just to keep my sister and I happy.

 

But, we know what he was like. We just wonder now why she did that for us... she didn't have to. We still love them both and would have anyway. Is that so unhealthy?

[movinon05]

Yeah, I left my H too AND paid him child support. Now that my kids are with me, he is paying nothing so I have to take him back to court. In the meantime, I'm in a terrible place financially. And I have been for a few years. And even though it doesn't solve the problem, I look at my kids. Even having small conversations with them, it reminds me of what I have and what he doesn't have. My kids are my motivating force to keep on.

 

But see my exMM's W would not be in a terrible financial place. She makes more money than him. So that sends us back to the same question. How much of yourself and your life are you willing to sacrifice to just "exist" in a M?

[stillafool]

QUOTE]

. How much of yourself and your life are you willing to sacrifice to just "exist" in a M?

 

 

good for you movinon5 and ozgirl. I know it can't be easy but I admire you for living your own life and not living through the lives of your husbands. My exMM's wife is an attorney like him and she doesn't have money problems either so why does she stay?

[Ladyjane14]

I bet if I was married for 15 years, then got to have a fling and feel sexy and hot to some young thang, I too, would have all the time for my H given that I now have found out what I wanted to know about what's on the other side and had lost the fear that should it all go pear shaped, I can still 'pick up'.

 

See, that's something I think most of us can identify with. EVERYONE wants to feel attractive, and everyone enjoys being validated occasionally as an attractive person.

 

The difference is that most of us don't ACT on it by committing adultery.

 

I think there's alot of reasons why a BS might elect to take their spouse back. This is just one of them. We understand what it is to long for those feelings of validation. We can have empathy for how empty our mate must've felt in order for him to actually 'go there'. And alot of BS's chew themselves up over the guilt of having allowed our mate to feel so bad about himself that he felt like he needed to do that.

 

Another reason is that we still recognize the guy we married...way down deep. We get occasional glimpses of that guy. He's still in there somewhere, locked away behind his frustration and resentment. And when he gets busted.... he springs out in full force, like a genie escaping the bottle. He's fully recognizable as the guy we once knew, albeit he's usually pretty scared and contrite at that point. But his barriers are gone. The anger that has made him a virtual stranger in the home isn't held before him like a shield anymore. We can SEE him again.

 

I think for ALOT of MM, and I won't say all....the EMA is a fantasy. It's a chance to live out the moment. He gets to BE that sexy guy who can easily attract other women. He lives in duality. Two different men, compartmentalized at least to the degree that he can shed his guilt for long enough to assume the role of the moment.

 

When he's with the wife, he's her husband. When he's with the OW, he's her boyfriend. His feelings of guilt have to be put on the backburner while he fulfills each of these roles in turn. He has to be IN THE MOMENT to survive the duality and pull his charade off without getting caught by either of them. And he's willing to do it because HE BELIEVES in each of those roles when he's "in the moment". He wears his role fully and his "hat" fits him perfectly at the time.

 

But when he gets busted by his wife....he's usually in his "husband role", wearing his 'husband hat'. And he responds to that as a husband. He cries. He begs for forgiveness. He's actually SHOCKED to see himself through his wife's eyes. He's "in the moment" and because he's fully engaged....he's genuine. He's believable to the wife because he believes it himself.

 

So, we KNOW he's lied to us in the past. But in that particular moment, he's telling the absolute truth. His truth might change again next day...or a week later, but like all good salesman, he believes in his product for long enough to make the sale.

[Ladyjane14]

....these delineations about American-European culture when it comes to private lives and values I find a bit too easily drawn. This is not about French presidents inviting the "official mistress" to dinners and that kind of thing, but very human hurt, very human stress that to my mind is trans-Atlantic--hell, universal. PS on this, I know several European women who have divorced never to accept their husbands back, no matter the "tradition".

 

And as for "strong American women" who throw shirts on the lawn and burn them, well case in point. Many Americans think that Hilary Clinton is the end-all be-all of Womanly Strength, and yet, there she is still married to her serial philanderer (this is not a political comment folks, but for this sake of argument only), who essentially humiliated her for all the world to see, and despite her earlier words otherwise, she is still "standin' by her man".

 

Perhaps then it's not so much a cultural issue these days as it is a matter of women's viewpoints on equality. (????) There do seem to be women of many different cultures who adopt a 'traditional' view, preserving the marriage despite infidelity. But there are likewise women who absolutely won't compromise on it.

 

Personally, I had no respect for Hilary Clinton's acceptance of her husband's SHOCKING humiliation of her. Thinking back, I can't remember speaking to any other woman who did.

 

In my own situation, I KNOW that I only forgave my husband because it was an EA, not a PA. I would most certainly have viewed a PA as a reckless gamble with my very life, Russion Roulette in the face of potentially lethal STDs, the possibility of leaving my children as orphans in the world.

 

I would most certainly have divorced him. And if he had left me and my children alone without hasseling us, I'd have been willing to return the favor. But if he didn't...I would have most assuredly BECOME the vindictive b*tch he only thought I was at the time.

 

Now, having accomplished a very nice recovery in our marriage, I recognize that divorcing him out-of-hand might've ended up being a mistake. Our relationship is in some ways better than it's ever been. But I know myself well enough to know that there's NOTHING that could've stopped me at the time. I grew up in poverty....and I'm not afraid of it. I wouldn't have allowed the lack of financial security to stop me.

 

At the end of the day, I can see both sides of it now. Reconciliation is a choice that I wouldn't have understood before, and now I 'get it'.

[Ladyjane14]

If I succumb to extramarital sex, I'd be admitting that I am weak and spineless... and that is more embarrassing that admitting that my husband had an affair. Does that make sense??

 

Yeah, it makes sense, sweetie.

But continuing to torture yourself over it doesn't. You've got to let yourself off the hook here. Fisher-man too.

 

You can't change the past. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go do your thing....whatever it is. There wouldn't be any point to life, if we were born knowing EVERYTHING and we weren't learning something new every day. Where's the challenge in that?

[stillafool]

What does BS and NC stand for? thank you.

[Walking away]

Betrayed Spouse

 

and

 

No Contact

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Personally, I had no respect for Hilary Clinton's acceptance of her husband's SHOCKING humiliation of her. Thinking back, I can't remember speaking to any other woman who did.

 

Why is that so shocking??

 

Hilary never did anything wrong... why do you lose respect for her? She took her husband back despite his bad behavior - in my opinion, she should be commented. It is extremely hard to be in her position - the publicity of the affair and all - and I think that she's handling it very well. She hasn't broken down in public and they seem to be more in love than ever.

 

I know several women whose husbands have a mistress on the side. These women probably know that... but who are we - the outsiders - to judge them, right?

 

(PS. LadyJane, I am still working on myself. I have good and bad days. On the bad days, I just want to 'fly away like a bird' and no amount of sweetness from my husband can ground me. What is wrong with me?? *Maybe it's the European way of thinking.* )

[sylviaguardian]

Well makes a change I suppose from the OW getting bashed - the BS gets bashed for being stupid enough to take the WS back. We really can't win.

 

First off I'd like to agree with people who say that the BS does not get status from taking back the WS. I have lost count of the number of friends and people on LS who have told me to dump my husband. And all this when I am looking for support JUST TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY.

 

Secondly, I personally don't stay in my marriage for the status. ALL of my friends and the majority of my family know what happened to me so I am not playing at the happy housewife for appearances sake. Of course, my husband decided not to tell anyone he knows so he has maintained his appearance. The truth is (and I don't really like admitting it to OW) yes, I feel humiliated, yes I feel inadequate, in fact I feel down right unloveable.

 

I would LOVE to waltz off into the sunset and say "Too bad, you had your chance" and then spring into my new happy life. So why don't I?

 

You are going to flame me here but it's because of the kids. I was brought up in a broken home and I swore it would never happen to my kids. Despite what my husband has done to me, he is a great Dad. My kids adore him. I know that to tell them that they were going to see him twice a week from now on would break their hearts and I don't want to do that.

 

Some of you have said it is better for children to have 2 loving parents. Well, that's the OPTIMAL situation you have there. Very few people are ever brought up in the optimal situation and from my POV it is better for children to have 2 parents even if they are not all over each other than to have a broken home. I read all the time 'Children are resilient - they bounce back' I bet the majority of people who say that have never been in that situation. I know from my own childhood that I did not bounce back. I was miserable for many years.

 

I am on a rant today because it bugs me that the BS is the only person (usually) who hasn't just trampled all over someone else's life to get what they want, yet the only support they get is to be told what a fool they are.

 

Sylvia

[Walking away]

Sylvia,

 

I commend you on the choices you have made. Your level of commitment to your family is one to be respected.

 

Do not feel inferior or insecure. The problems lie (or DID lie) with your husband. Unfortunately, it is the BS that feels the brunt of guilt and insecurity when these affairs become known.

 

Biblically, you are doing what is correct. And, yes, I am an xOW. There is nothing wrong with trying to provide a stable home for your children. My xMM is attempting to do the same thing. And, I respect him for it.

 

Sometimes the less traveled roads are the more difficult ones. And, you will come to the end of your road with NO REGRETS.

 

Hang tough.

 

WA

[Ladyjane14]

Why is that so shocking??

 

Hilary never did anything wrong... why do you lose respect for her?

 

I think it's because she came off looking like a doormat. She had been publicly disrespected, and she tolerated it.

 

And I didn't really believe that she did it for the sake of love. I guess she's the only one who knows if that's true or not. But she was sooooo in the public eye, that I had to wonder if it wasn't a case of forgiveness for the sake of expediancy.

 

I have good and bad days. On the bad days, I just want to 'fly away like a bird' and no amount of sweetness from my husband can ground me. What is wrong with me?? *Maybe it's the European way of thinking.* )

 

What's wrong with you? .....Nothing.

You're just feeling your feelings and muddling through like everybody else. You'll get there. Have a little faith.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

The truth is (and I don't really like admitting it to OW) yes, I feel humiliated, yes I feel inadequate, in fact I feel down right unloveable.

 

S. Why?? You have nothing to be ashamed of - it was your husband's fault!

 

You are going to flame me here but it's because of the kids. I was brought up in a broken home and I swore it would never happen to my kids. Despite what my husband has done to me, he is a great Dad. My kids adore him. I know that to tell them that they were going to see him twice a week from now on would break their hearts and I don't want to do that.

 

I understand this perfectly. My husband is also from a broken family and he also resented that part of his childhood.

 

Sylvia, instead of feeling "in a rant mode", why don't you take it as it is: you won! You got your husband back ... and - hopefully - the M is better than it was before? (IF it is not, then there's the problem. )

[Ladyjane14]

I have lost count of the number of friends and people on LS who have told me to dump my husband. And all this when I am looking for support JUST TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY.

 

Back in the beginning, I had to get a little bit forceful with my family members in order to get them to respect my forgiveness decision. OMG....my mother was the WORST.

She would've liked to seen him tarred and feathered, just for making my cry.

 

They all got over it after a while, and they're supportive enough now. I can't vouch for 'em if he steps of the path again though. He might end up plucking feathers off his butt for a month!

[movinon05]

I could be wrong, but if in SG's case, they are trying to work on the M, then I can totally understand why she has made this choice. I think I'm basically talking about the BS who stays in the marriage knowing something else is going on. My A with exMM went on for 7 years! There's a difference here. If something is going on for 7 yearas, your H does not love you like you should want to be loved!

 

I totally respect you SG. And its a shame you can't post in the BS forum and not be supported. Knowing the wrath of my exMM's W, I think they need to vent as much as possible, but that doesn't help you.

 

Good luck to you.

[sylviaguardian]

I could be wrong, but if in SG's case, they are trying to work on the M, then I can totally understand why she has made this choice. I think I'm basically talking about the BS who stays in the marriage knowing something else is going on. My A with exMM went on for 7 years! There's a difference here. If something is going on for 7 yearas, your H does not love you like you should want to be loved!

 

I totally respect you SG. And its a shame you can't post in the BS forum and not be supported. Knowing the wrath of my exMM's W, I think they need to vent as much as possible, but that doesn't help you.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you all for your kind words. But I wanted to say that in my case it went on for 3 years without me knowing. And no, I did not suspect and just ignore it. I loved my husband, I trusted him, I believed he was the one person I could rely on. Do I feel stupid now? You bet. Do I look back and think that I should have spotted something? No, there was honestly nothing to spot. You are right, my husband did not love me like I wanted to be loved. Even now I sometimes allow myself to 'dream' of the perfect person who would just accept me and love me and never put anyone else first. But that person may or may not exist and even if they did, they would never love my children the way I do (or my husband does).

 

I know lots of BS come on here and rant but I want you to understand that some of us were normal ordinary people who thought they had a decent marriage. I know you will find this hard to believe. The OW wrote me an email saying "I'M not the problem here" implying that we had other problems. Well, honestly it was the first I knew of it! Maybe I am just totally naive....

 

I have never considered the OW forum to be the 'enemy camp', in fact I have had a better insight into why OW get sucked into things. Thanks again for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

 

Sylvia

[zarathustra]

Well makes a change I suppose from the OW getting bashed - the BS gets bashed for being stupid enough to take the WS back. We really can't win.

 

First off I'd like to agree with people who say that the BS does not get status from taking back the WS. I have lost count of the number of friends and people on LS who have told me to dump my husband. And all this when I am looking for support JUST TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY.

 

Secondly, I personally don't stay in my marriage for the status. ALL of my friends and the majority of my family know what happened to me so I am not playing at the happy housewife for appearances sake. Of course, my husband decided not to tell anyone he knows so he has maintained his appearance. The truth is (and I don't really like admitting it to OW) yes, I feel humiliated, yes I feel inadequate, in fact I feel down right unloveable.

 

I would LOVE to waltz off into the sunset and say "Too bad, you had your chance" and then spring into my new happy life. So why don't I?

 

You are going to flame me here but it's because of the kids. I was brought up in a broken home and I swore it would never happen to my kids. Despite what my husband has done to me, he is a great Dad. My kids adore him. I know that to tell them that they were going to see him twice a week from now on would break their hearts and I don't want to do that.

 

Some of you have said it is better for children to have 2 loving parents. Well, that's the OPTIMAL situation you have there. Very few people are ever brought up in the optimal situation and from my POV it is better for children to have 2 parents even if they are not all over each other than to have a broken home. I read all the time 'Children are resilient - they bounce back' I bet the majority of people who say that have never been in that situation. I know from my own childhood that I did not bounce back. I was miserable for many years.

 

I am on a rant today because it bugs me that the BS is the only person (usually) who hasn't just trampled all over someone else's life to get what they want, yet the only support they get is to be told what a fool they are.

 

Sylvia

Hi Sylvia,

I think your choice is very respectable. I don't think you are a fool for what you are doing. I don't know your situation well enough to say if I agree or not.

 

As a person who grew up in an unhappy home, I have told my mother many times that my sibblings and I would be much better off had she left my dad and that they could find someone who loves them the way they want to be loved. I think that the problem for me is that I don't have a good idea of what a good marriage is.

 

I hope that you and your H will go and work really hard on your M so that for the kids can see the love in the marraige and be given a good example of what a good marriage is.

 

I wish you the best of luck.