Why Does The Wife Stay When He Cheats????

[stillafool]

Sorry guys but my original post meant "serial cheaters". I should have made that clear from the beginning. I was talking about my situation where he has admitted to having one A after another on his W. I understand that anyone can be tempted and make a mistake and should be given a second chance for their marriage, kids, home, etc. I want to know why W's whose husbands constantly cheat stay. This W knows he has cheated when he wants to for 23 yrs. He makes an enormous amount of money and I wondered if that had anything to do with her staying. Not just their 3 teenage kids.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to start a fight.

[stillafool]

I am always intrigued by this question from the OP. But I will just ask another question, or two?

 

1. Why does the OP stay or get involved with the cheater?

 

I think the OP stays and gets involved with a cheater because the chemistry is new between them as with all new lovers. He's exciting, romantic, sexual and makes you feel incredible.

 

2. Why does the OP care if W stays?

 

Sheer curiosity!

[Blind Illusion]

Sometimes, i just think who knows why any of us do the things we do. I think our hearts and our fears just propel us along

[RecordProducer]

I was just wondering why would a wife stay in a marriage when she knows her husband is cheating with other women? Even if they have children, why stay?

You can pose the same question for the OW: why do THEY stay with men who cheat rather than divorce? They don't even have children or mutual finances or any history as a married couple. Love? Ugh... that blindfolding power!

[Love Hurts]

Money is key............. If she is not educated or ready to meet the demands or pressures of life on her own.......... She will take the crap and cling to the security of life she is accustomed to.

All along she is personally regrouping and getting ready for war.

 

Getting educated... getting a secret bank account..... in preparation for the the fall ..........................

 

Most women stay when they are aware......but.......... only for so long.

They regroup get ready and then ditch him.

 

There is a time for love and a time for war.

War time requires a strategy........... get it together then blast him.

So the bottom line is................. she stays .... in effort to begin the weaving of her own web.....................

The clever female can win or subtly make it through the crisis situation, weaving a plan of her own recourse.

 

She also needs to transform herself during the time of staying inside the relationship.......... from the happy housewife/ mom and or working /mom.

Transform herself into the bitch from hell..................

Or the the black widow spider.............................

 

Many felmales stay............... but often times it is because they need that time to regroup ............. and get ready for war...........Oh and let him really get what he deservs............ Oh yes baby.

 

Just my opinion.

[whichwayisup]

Geez. Whatever happened to just giving the man she loves, the man she married and said vows to infront of her family and friends, a second chance. People f*** up sometimes, some more than others - But I do believe everybody should be given another chance to make things right again.

 

It's not ALWAYS about money, or the wife waiting for the right moment to transform herself so she can walkout. Most couples have a history, love and a marriage worth saving.

[Blind Illusion]

Geez. Whatever happened to just giving the man she loves, the man she married and said vows to infront of her family and friends, a second chance. People f*** up sometimes, some more than others - But I do believe everybody should be given another chance to make things right again.

 

It's not ALWAYS about money, or the wife waiting for the right moment to transform herself so she can walkout. Most couples have a history, love and a marriage worth saving.

 

That's kind of what I meant when I said that the heart propels us along. But, I might differ from you in that I think that sometimes the heart is an equal opportunity propeller and doesn't always discriminate in regard to marital status.

[makerm4me]

I am not usualy one to regard other as weak, but I have to agree with you here! What happens to the children who grop up thnking their parents had this awesome marriage only to find out it dad/mom cheated for yrs and it the "happily ever after" they believed in was a lie? What does that do to kids? Everything they thought existed, was never really there after all? It is realty to know that sometimes people make mistakes, even mommys and daddys and they to have to pay for thier mistakes. Sometimes we all just don't get along no matter how well we think we are faking it! kids are not stupid, if mom and dad are struggling, so are they.

[makerm4me]

Amen! I agree

[TheDiva]

I may get a blasting for this

 

but these are just some random thoughts I had while reading.

 

 

A wife staying with a cheater does not always have to be insecure, saving face, afraid of losing her lifestyle, weak, or whatever else was said. Some wives simply believe in honoring their vows...As WWIU said, they have a marriage worth saving. She digs deep and sees she still has love somewhere in her heart for the man she married.

 

When your friends f*** up, do you not normally give them a second chance?

When your parents make a mistake, do you not give them another chance?

When your children mess up, do they not get a second and third and forth chance?

 

I would say most of you would say YES they do get another chance...so as such why would it be so hard to believe a wife would do the same? (OR a BH for that matter, but that's not what this thread was about.)

 

 

I am not usualy one to regard other as weak, but I have to agree with you here! What happens to the children who grop up thnking their parents had this awesome marriage only to find out it dad/mom cheated for yrs and it the "happily ever after" they believed in was a lie? What does that do to kids? Everything they thought existed, was never really there after all? It is realty to know that sometimes people make mistakes, even mommy’s and daddy’s and they to have to pay for thier mistakes. Sometimes we all just don't get along no matter how well we think we are faking it! kids are not stupid, if mom and dad are struggling, so are they.

 

 

I see what you are saying here, but this is assuming that the parents are not working on the marriage. They wouldn't be able to hide their animosities toward one another. My thoughts are the parents in this situation wouldn't stay together too long anyway if they aren't working to make the marriage stronger. They would be better off throwing in the towel sooner rather than later.

 

BUT

 

If we assume the parents are working on the marriage, then the children can look back and say well mom should have left dad, but she didn't. Mom stuck to her commitment/vows, and dad did everything he could to make up for his mistakes, and now their relationship is better than ever... to my way of thinking, this would make my parents role models that I would want to live up to. Stick with the commitments I make and work on things when they get tough. Not run because things weren't as they should be. KWIM?

 

I know I would have to try every avenue before giving up my marriage, because my mom taught me to not take my commitments lightly and consider every angle before taking action. Gosh I love my mom:love: she is awesome!

 

 

I am a child of a broken home. My father would pick me up for visitations and you know where we went? Granted I didn't realize this until I was much older, but we would go to his girlfriends' house. Not only was she his girlfriend, but she was married to another man, and was one of my mom's best friends at one time! Her son was a couple of years older than I, and they would send us outside to play and they would lock the door. I wonder what they were doing?: sick: But the point is, I was little, I didn't know what was going on. It was like a play date to me, but really I was his excuse to be there while her husband was working. When I realized this it made me sick to my stomach, because at that time, my father was trying to get my mother to take him back. AGAIN. She was more than generous with him. She gave him 2 different chances to work on the marriage. Third strike, he was out. But looking back, my mom is happy she gave him those chances because she at least attempted to make it work.

 

 

You can pose the same question for the OW: why do THEY stay with men who cheat rather than divorce? They don't even have children or mutual finances or any history as a married couple. Love? Ugh... that blindfolding power!

 

This is something I ask everytime I read the OW threads about how MM don't take action to divorce his awful wife. While I cannot condone the MM/OW relationship, I know they happen. To me the MM/OW relationship is a catch 22. He normally don't leave, but if he does, he either ends up leaving both women (exit affair) or he goes to other woman without coming to terms with his divorce, and either ends up spliting with her or entering into another affair, because the OW has now entered the "wife" shoes so to speak. Very few go to the OW and make it work for life. All the MM/OW I know that made a "success" of their relationship and are now together have so many problems in that I have to wonder if it was all worth it...They seem soooo miserable. One couple fights all the time about real or perceived infedilities in their marriage (on both sides), and when another couple moved in together the OW found out almost immediately why his wife was so "unbearable" as he had put it to OW. Turned out the wife wasn't the "unbearable" party in that marriage afterall.

 

*The above is because she complains to me all the time about having to deal with "wifey things" and has a hard time with not nagging at him, like the wife did. It is not because she is having the trouble I am not about to laugh at the situation because it very well could happen to me one day:( *

 

*Please also understand I am using real people that I know IRL and am not about to make that kind of call on the OW here*

 

Sorry guys but my original post meant "serial cheaters". I should have made that clear from the beginning. I was talking about my situation where he has admitted to having one A after another on his W. I understand that anyone can be tempted and make a mistake and should be given a second chance for their marriage, kids, home, etc. I want to know why W's whose husbands constantly cheat stay. This W knows he has cheated when he wants to for 23 yrs. He makes an enormous amount of money and I wondered if that had anything to do with her staying. Not just their 3 teenage kids.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to start a fight.

 

 

First, I think this is one of the more civil threads I have seen in the OM/OW section.

 

I admit I wanted to respond when this thread was first posted but I figured I would probably get myself into trouble, and I don't have time for that.

I did notice that you said "women" and opposed to "woman" in the very first post.

 

Originally Posted by stillafool

I was just wondering why would a wife stay in a marriage when she knows her husband is cheating with other women? Even if they have children, why stay?

 

but since the rest of it was pretty general it just sparked a discussion of the why's and how's of staying vs leaving, which can be a good thing I think, if all the parties stay civil to one another, and it has for the most part.

 

In answer to your question: I don't know! but I can speculate that she would be staying (in no particular order of importance)

 

A. For the children

B. She loves him

C. For the money

D. The history they have

E. She wants to honor her commitment to him, even if he chooses not to honor his.

F. She may have her own boytoy? or they may have made this "arrangement" that he could sleep around as long as he never divorced her.

G. She don't have the confidence to live without him.

H. If he has done this continually throughout the marriage, prehaps she did kick him out the first time and the kids begged to get their daddy back.

I. In-Law histories, 23 years is a long time for a marriage these days and you do get attached to the extended families.

J. All of the above in different combinations.

 

All I can say is she has her reasons, and if the MM really wanted to dispose of his marriage, he can do it without the wife's consent. So my question would circle back around to...Why cheat when MM can divorce if life is that bad? So here we are at an impasse. The men cheat, the wife won't leave, MM uses ever excuse under the sun NOT to leave the wife,the OW puts up, puts out, or gets out. It seems so simple from where I sit unfortunately I know it's not all that black & white.

 

 

It really doesn't matter but I am not current or ever been the BW, alternately I have been (long time ago) the OW.

[Chump64]

I hope it's ok for me to post this, as a BS.

 

Geez. Whatever happened to just giving the man she loves, the man she married and said vows to infront of her family and friends, a second chance. People f*** up sometimes, some more than others - But I do believe everybody should be given another chance to make things right again.

 

It's not ALWAYS about money, or the wife waiting for the right moment to transform herself so she can walkout. Most couples have a history, love and a marriage worth saving.

 

 

I agree with this. I am the BS. I am not staying for money, or for my kids, or any of that. I am staying because I love him and am willing to give him the chance to make things right (but this will be the only chance). To clarify, let me say I am working to TRY to stay -- time will tell if this ultimately works. We have (in many ways) a good marriage, a stable home for our kids, and long history and a lot of fun together. I am not afraid of being alone, I am not in need of my husband's paycheck, I am not in a marriage that is hostile and full of constant trauma / drama (eg, one that shows obvious conflict and trouble to our kids). I also want to say -- I am not telling a lot of people about the situation because of embarrassment. I am not embarrassed. Hurt, grief-stricken and shocked, yes, but not embarrassed. Our closest friends know and are supportive. But to let family and other friends know would be to expose myself to judgments seen on these LS forums -- that wives who stay are weak, pathetic, afraid to strike out on their own, dependent on husband's $$, think they can't get another man, etc. Not to mention that family members tend to meddle and make things worse. Finally, because I love my husband, I don't want to expose him to the kinds of judgments that people make about people who stray. I suspect many here are familiar with those types of judgments.

 

The more I read around at LS, the more I see people with black-and-white, cut-and-dried opinions and theories, and I know these types of attitudes affect wayward people as well. It's so limiting.

[ridingthebulls]

I am not staying for money, or for my kids, or any of that.

 

NOT STAYING FOR THE KIDDOS HUH?

 

You said different in the past:

-

We have three kids who vary widely in ages, from teen to toddler. Not to sound like a martyr, but this is a huge consideration. I can choose to try working through this marital pain, or I can a different route that would cause a lot of pain for three innocent kids who are, at the moment, clueless. Now, I realize that my HUSBAND would be responsible for that pain, not me. But right now, this seems like the best option.

But it's early. And all of the kids involved in this scenario are from stable, middle income homes with two parents. Splitting up would have financial implications, time implications, and many, many complications. How is that NOT affecting them?! How would that NOT cause 'irreparable damage'?

 

I am not stupid enough to think kids aren't damaged in situations where marriages are bad, stress levels are high and they are exposed to things they shouldn't see. That's not the case in my family. None of the kids involved have a clue, and they would be completely and utterly crushed if our family disintegrated. It would be a life-defining, disastrous experience, brought on by my husband's poor choices.

 

For them to suddenly have their families broken apart because "Daddy has a girlfriend" or "Mommy's been boning a married man for 10 years" --- how can that not cause damage? Several of these kids are pre-teens, not babies. They are going to know the implications.

If this offends you, I'm sorry. To think that a betraying person (with children) is only hurting his / her spouse is so naive. But if you need to believe that to ease your guilt, have at it.

 

-

I'm not afraid of divorce, except for the impact it would have on our children. In fact, on my worst days I fantasize about it and go online to look for real estate that I can afford on my salary alone. Again, I'm truly afraid of what divorce would do to our kids.

 

-

Really wish you'd give a TRUTHFUL valuation, not just some complete garbage to validate your current choices and to prove other opinions wrong. You might love him, but saying that is the only reason is complete hogwash. Take care.

[Walking away]

Why does the wife stay when he cheats?

 

Because love isn't a feeling...it is a commitment.

[Chump64]

I also agree that children should be surrounded by and should see love in a home, whether they have to live with step parents, grandparents, a single parent home or whatever.

 

I think it’s entirely possible to surround children with love in a home where infidelity has occurred. It depends on how the situation is handled and the state of the marriage to begin with. It hasn’t been easy, but we have been able to keep our situation from our kids. The first week or two were difficult (they sensed the tension), but they don’t know the story. I see no good reason to involve children in adult issues, unless you absolutely must -- eg, if there IS a separation or divorce, and infidelity is the cause. We talk during lunch hours and late at night, and go to our counseling sessions during the work day.

 

I also believe that there can be positive and good things in a marriage where infidelity has occurred. I also believe a wayward partner can still be a great parent. If that wasn’t the case, I’d be single.

 

That said, I do not understand wives who put up with repeated infidelity, or wives who live with a man they know is still stepping out. (It might sound hypocritical of me, but I don't understand Hillary.) Same said for betrayed husbands. Now in my case, it was repeated for a very long time, but I was clueless. Once I knew, it had to end that day, or I was done. And if it starts again, I am not looking back. I love him enough to give him a chance. I don’t love anyone enough to be hurt like this again.

[Chump64]

Riding, I'll be the first to admit that my feelings are fluid, not set in stone. The posts you are copying are from a couple of months ago. I'm telling you how I feel today / in recent weeks. This recovery thing is a process that takes time and therapy, which has helped me clarify a lot of things. But thanks for your concern.

[Walking away]

Chump,

 

It is a heavy cross that you must bear. And I commend you for your staying power. The pain must be enormous.

 

But, we tend to be a throw away society and I think many people adopt that attitude with marriages also.

 

It is refreshing to see someone who doesn't necessarily throw away her marriage inspite of the extreme stresses the infidelity has produced.

 

I would like to share part of one of my favorite poems that I memorized in 8th grade for a Language class. I think it pertains to your life, Chump:

 

I shall be telling this with a sigh.

Somewhere ages and ages hence.

 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by.

 

And that has made all the difference.

 

~Robert Frost~

[theworldisyours]

Love money security children fear. Thats why.

Love is blind, love is naive, and love is weakening. If you love someone more than they love you, you instantly turn into a doormat and throw them total control. Because my husband knew this, he also knew that if he cheated I would give him another chance, which I did. About 8 years later, I learned he started cheating again only 2 years after I found out about the first affair. The first affair lasted 4 years. The length of second one, who the hell knows. Never will I give control or myself to another person. I never want to marry again.. I will never let another person assume all control over my being and my life.

I'm dating and having all the fun my husband had- during his affair of course, while we were married!!!!! and now he's suicidal and can't deal with it. Too bad. He had his chance and he blew it not once, but twice! its easy to take what you have for granted until it's long gone. and by that time, you wont have much of a chance to get it back. he severed all ties with the ow to get me back. she harasses me every week showing up at my house asking where my ex is. i told her the first time that i kicked the bum out months ago. yet, she never let up on the harassment. she broke windows at my home, wrote nasty words on my door with a marker, sends letters to my house and even called the child protective services on me. i dont even know anything about her. not her name or address to file a restraining order, yet my ass of a husband obviously told her eveyrhting about me. we are separated. divorce not final yet. its amazing how stupid that man is. he thinks every time my heart gets broken, it will just mend on its own. sorry, but i ran out of superglue years ago. if i had any guts, i would have chopped his manhood off 8 1/2 years ago. and yeah, there's much more s*** he's pulled throughout the years that i wont even get into. i just hope my children didnt inherit all of his rotten mental genes. and im so fed up with the ow, if she tries her stalking again and harassment, im going to get my baseball bat out. amazing all the s*** i have to go through because of one stupid a**h*** that should have never been born.

[Walking away]

Good God! What a nightmare!

 

I am glad that you are free of this mess, but it seems like it isn't over for you yet.

 

I pray for peace for you.

 

WA

[Chump64]

Thank you, Walking Away.

 

I have to say that many days, I think it would be easier to end it now than to do all this dirty work of figuring out what went wrong and how to fix it, if possible. I do think it's worth a shot though.

[Walking away]

Chump,

 

You know that I will ALWAYS be in your corner!

 

Hugs

WA

[theworldisyours]

Thank you for your kind words walking. Doesn't look like the end is any time soon. Next time she comes around, I'm going to have to have a pen and paper and some glasses to get her license numbers. And the woman is crazy and it is driving me absolutely insane. I'm at the breaking point. I'm afraid what I might do next if this goes too far, which is has. well if it goes even farther than already.

[RecordProducer]

Okay. In order to understand why they stay, we should understand why they leave and then subtract this part.

Why would you leave a cheater?

 

1. because you can't trust him anymore;

2. because you're hurt very badly;

3. because your pride can't get over it;

4. because you're angry;

5. because you have principals;

6. because you now hate him;

7. because you can manage on your own.

 

The betrayed wife obviously doesn't have these feelings or at least they are not so intense.

[stillafool]

I may get a blasting for this

 

 

In answer to your question: I don't know! but I can speculate that she would be staying (in no particular order of importance)

 

A. For the children

B. She loves him

C. For the money

D. The history they have

E. She wants to honor her commitment to him, even if he chooses not to honor his.

F. She may have her own boytoy? or they may have made this "arrangement" that he could sleep around as long as he never divorced her.

G. She don't have the confidence to live without him.

H. If he has done this continually throughout the marriage, prehaps she did kick him out the first time and the kids begged to get their daddy back.

I. In-Law histories, 23 years is a long time for a marriage these days and you do get attached to the extended families.

J. All of the above in different combinations.

 

All I can say is she has her reasons, and if the MM really wanted to dispose of his marriage, he can do it without the wife's consent. So my question would circle back around to...Why cheat when MM can divorce if life is that bad? So here we are at an impasse. The men cheat, the wife won't leave, MM uses ever excuse under the sun NOT to leave the wife,the OW puts up, puts out, or gets out. It seems so simple from where I sit unfortunately I know it's not all that black & white.

 

 

It really doesn't matter but I am not current or ever been the BW, alternately I have been (long time ago) the OW.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for the answers to my question. I hope the wife has #F (boytoy) on your list. After 23 years with him she deserves it if she's going to stay.

[Walking away]

Thank you for your kind words walking. Doesn't look like the end is any time soon. Next time she comes around, I'm going to have to have a pen and paper and some glasses to get her license numbers. And the woman is crazy and it is driving me absolutely insane. I'm at the breaking point. I'm afraid what I might do next if this goes too far, which is has. well if it goes even farther than already.

 

As a very recent xOW, I will say that your husband's OW gives us all a REALLY bad name!

 

What a bunny boiler!

[Chump64]

“The betrayed wife obviously doesn't have these feelings or at least they are not so intense.”

 

I disagree.

 

I am chuckling because really, this question (why do wives stay) should be posed to BS, if you're seeking real answers vs. speculation. The question is not a simple one and generalizations are so easy to make on behalf of a huge population of wives.

 

If you are you saying BS who stay don’t have these feelings, or that their feelings are not intense, I can assure you that that’s an unfair generalization to make.

 

1. because you can't trust him anymore;

2. because you're hurt very badly;

3. because your pride can't get over it;

4. because you're angry;

5. because you have principals;

6. because you now hate him;

7. because you can manage on your own.

 

1) No, I can’t, but I’m willing to see if that can change. If it can't, I doubt we can make it.

 

2) Yes, I am hurt very badly. In my situation, at least where I'm at right now, I think it’s worth the chance to see if I can heal / if he can make this up to me, to a degree that I can live with.

 

3) I must be the odd woman out. My pride is not hurt. I did not step out of the marriage. Between my husband and I, I'm not the one who is feeling humiliated about this situation.

 

4) Check. My biggest obstacle in recovery, at the moment. Can I reconcile my love for him with my anger? Stay tuned.

 

5) Yes, I have principles. It’s his principles that were lacking. I’m willing to give him one chance to change his principles, and permanently.

 

6) Never hated him. Hated what he did, yes.

 

7) Yes, I can manage on my own, and will absolutely do so if he doesn’t meet my expectations from here on out.

 

Maybe my situation is the exception, I dunno. In my case, my husband has many redeeming qualities that I think (hope?) make him worth retaining (assuming he stays on the straight and narrow). One of his qualities is that he is taking my hurt and pain very seriously, and is doing everything he can at this point to redeem himself. This is no picnic for him, either. He never in his life thought he'd be in therapy twice a week, or that he'd be questioning how he became someone he despises, or that he could ever, ever cause this much pain for other people.

 

Quite honestly, I can think of a few people I know in real life whose husbands I would absolutely not put up with, and they haven’t even committed infidelity (as far as I know).

.