I only want her when I can't have her?

[JustG]

The short version of the story goes...

 

About a year ago I began dating a girl I work with. At the time she was at the end of a long-term relationship (6 years) that where she'd been treated very poorly for quite some time. I was the primary reason she found the strength to end it. We began dating almost immediately but never got as far as either of us supsected. I began to have suspicions that she was still spending time with her ex (which turned out to be right, however not in a romantic sense) and with this thought I mind I began to distance myself from her. Since neither of us ever really talked about what was going on she took my actions as a sign that I wasn't really interested. Things got weird for a while but we still remained friends and still went out occasionally. We never really talked about it being over...we both just assumed the other one wasn't interested. As it turns out we were both wrong.

 

Around the begining of the year she began dating someone else. I'm not sure what sparked it, other than the obvious jealousy, but seeing her with someone else finally sparked me to show up at her place and tell her everything "I should have said months ago." She did the same. As it turns out we were both very much in love with each other but didn't think the other cared.

 

But, she was already falling for this new guy. We tried to stay friends but seeing each other in the office every day made that difficult. I very much wanted to respect her relationship and several times tried to just leave and stay out of her life....every time it would last for a day or two and one of us would cave. Things got worse as I found out her new boyfriend was treating her horribly and on the borderline of abusing her. She'll be the first to admit that she has a few issues and for some reason was affraid to leave him despite some of the horrible things he was doing to her. That finally changed this week when I guess he finally crossed the line. We'd kept it plutonic, for the most part, but now that she's free again we've decided to start dating.

 

So that's the history...now the problem.

 

Thinking back to not only the time I was with her but even the few other semi-serious relationships I've been in I'm starting to believe I may have some issues of my own.....in fact I know I do.

 

It seems like I enjoy the "hunt" more than the "capture." I can be the sweetest, most caring guy when I'm trying to win them over but not too long after I do it's almost like I lose interest...but I don't really think that's the case. This time, I could feel myself doing it almost immediately after I realized that she was breaking up with him and I was going to get my second chance. I know I'm doing it, but at the time I don't seem to care...I just deeply regret it later once it's too late. Perhaps a fear of comitment?

 

I have no doubts that I love this girl. For the past couple of months I'd been having thoughts of a pretty serious future with her...more so than I could immagine with anyone I'd been with before. I've decided to figure out what it is I have to do to make it work as I'm beginning to believe the primary reason my relationships fail is because I don't try hard enough to make them succeed. For the first time I am going in to something trying to make it last....but I need to figure out how to do that.

 

So, after all that, the question - where do I start? What steps do I need to think about to change the way I approach my relationships? Books or articles to read? Or is this something I'm supposed to figure out on my own?

[Star Gazer]

I really wish someone would respond to this with some insight, as I've experienced the same thing (either losing interest myself, or having him lose it as well and admit this pattern of behavior).

[Sand&Water]

I really wish I had a clear cut and simple answer for you, but I don't. This is a tough one. No one can tell you to lead your relationship right, left, or backwards.

 

All I can say: It's called a relationship for a reason. Both parties must put in a lot of effort and commitment for it to work.

 

Think about: What does a relationship mean to you?

 

Also, think about: What values and morals do you offer and expect from your significant other?

 

Above all: A relationship must have a strong foundation of respect, honesty, trust, and compromise. What do these terms mean to you? and Are you willing to give a relationship your time?