Text Messages

[mr.gerbick]

I posted the "Total Mess" thread. I can't stop myself from texting my ex, she responds to some of them, but not all. I hate myself for doing this, I need to stop, but can't control myself at times, how do I stop??

 

Especially when I am in on weekends, like tonight, I knew she was having a party at her house, because my sister still hangs out with her. I tried to make plans, I even went to a White Sox game and I don't even like sports, but I was home by 10:30pm with no plans. I called practically everyone I knew, but no one was doing anything. So I was stuck here with these anxious thoughts. I really need some help in regards to this. I am wasting my time and energy on this and I know it is holding me back from healing. I have been going to counseling, but they only do once a week sessions, which doesn't seem to be enough. I am at a stand still.

[magda]

I read your other thread and gave you advice in it. Beyond that I'd suggest checking out some books about co-dependency or obsessive thoughts or anything else you think might help, and asking your therapist for book suggestions also.

 

It also might help to erase her number from your cell phone or even go so far as to eliminate your capability to text for awhile.

[shelters]

I have been going to counseling, but they only do once a week sessions, which doesn't seem to be enough. I am at a stand still.

 

Are you being completely honest with your counselor about this complusive behavior? I have read your other threads and it sounds to me that if you were being totally honest with him/her, then he/she would be setting you up for more than 1x a week and/or recommending you see a psychiatrist.

 

Edit: I just noticed that you wrote that they only do weekly sessions. Find another place to go to if this place will only see you once. It sounds like you need a little extra help beyond a weekly session. Interview the counselor to be sure that you will be seeing someone who will work on behavior modification with you so that you can learn how to calm yourself down during these anxious moments.

[mr.gerbick]

I am being totally honest with my counselor. The thing is that I had work issues and had to quit my job, so I really have no extra money to pay for a counselor ot a psychiatrest. I go to this counselor because he is free through my school. I am honestly trying everything I can. Reading books about it, research on the internet, talking to people etc. It just don't seem to be helping. The messed up part of it all is that I told her last night night not to pay attention to my texts, emails and phone calls. I told her not to reply or don't answer the phone, but I don't know if she will do that. She says she is worried about me. I really am trying.

[visotech]

Im really big on music, and I really enjoy when I find songs that are related to my current situation. So heres one for you

 

Jason Mraz - Did You Get My Message Lyrics

 

Did you get my message, the one I left

While I was trying to condense everything that I meant

In a minute or less when I called to confess

And make all of my stresses go bye-bye

 

Did you get my message, you didn't I guess

'cuz if you did you would have called me with your sweet intent

and we could give it a rest

'stead of beating my breast

making all of the pressure go sky-high

 

Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send

Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take

And come back together again with a whole new meaning

In a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent

 

Did you get my message, oooh oooh ooooh

Did you get my message

Did you get my message, yeah, oooh oooh ooooh hooo

 

Uh oh, where did it go, must have bypassed your phone

And flown right outta the window

ooh well, how can I tell?

Shoulda called the operator maybe she know the info

But whether or not if my message you got was too much or a lot to reply

Why not try this for a fact

Should you ever come back I’d relax and be relieved

of all my panic attacks

 

Ahh hooo oooh, Ahh hooo oooh,

Did you get my message, oooh oooh ooooh

Did you get my message,

Did you, Did you now

Did you get my message, yeah oooh oooh ooooh hooo

 

Did you get my message, the one I left

While I was trying to condense

everything that I meant

Now the moment is passed

Not much sand in the 'glass and I’m standing to lose my mind

Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send

Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take

And come back together again with a whole new meaning

To the matter of our love's defense,

at least be sympathetic to the time I spent

 

Did you get my message, oooh oooh ooooh

Did you get my message,

Did you, did you, did you, did you now

Did you get my message, yeah oooh oooh ooooh hooo

Did you get my message

 

RY: no I didn’t hear a word you said

Did you get my message

no I’m not gonna believe your lies anymore

Did you get my message that I want to reconnect with you

Did you get my message

RY: I can hear you say your coming but I don’t hear

Why did you get the message love?

That I want to get back with you

Did you get my message love

That I want to reconnect with you

Why did you get the message love?

Did you get my message

RY and Mraz: That I want to reconnect with you

[mr.gerbick]

that is a nice song, but makes me sad. because i do want to reconnect in a way, but i need to disconnect.

[mr.gerbick]

I texted her to ask her if we can talk tonight, I meant by phone, now she wants me to come over. What do I do?

[visotech]

I don't know how strong your relationship was before the breakup, but talking about things in person always seems more complete to me. Who wants to beat around the bush on the phone. But if you are trying to break contact with her, you could always show that your not ready to jump at the chance to go see her.

[mr.gerbick]

well, i went and talked to her. it was a bit of the unexpected. she says that she really misses me and does want to get back together, but she just wants to wait just to make sure that she doesn't feel this way because of me being crazy. She says that she wants me to get better and also for me to get past what she did that drove me insane in the first place. but i am scared of getting past it with her on my mind and then her telling me that she only felt that way out of the craziness. I would be crushed all over again. Also on the other hand, me getting past it for myself then telling her that i can't be with her because i can't have a relationship with that memory. She wants to stay in contact, but i am so confused and am not sure what to do.

[shelters]

This doesn't sound like anything new developed. You know what to do. I think you will have to hit 'rock bottom' before you actually go do it. It doesn't appear you are at your bottom yet despite how painful this all feels now.

 

Eventually, the pain of what you are doing now will be greater than the anticipated pain of taking the steps you need to- get a job, stay commited to the job, secure a new counselor through health insurance, see a psychiatrist, etc- and once that happens you will naturally begin to take the steps you need to.

 

Good luck.

[mr.gerbick]

so are you saying that I should still cut her off completly? even though she said she wants to stay in contact now? I am still hurt by the situation, but I am also interested in the fact she wants to stay in contact and says she may want to get back together. I am just not sure what to think anymore. It is really confusing.

[GB111]

I've been through a very similar situation as you recently, so let me see if I can help.

 

I don't believe there is any such thing as "lets stay in contact and see what happens". To me, that means "let me see if I can find someone better while I still tote you along in case I can't". I just went NC in a relationship where this is what the girl did. She dated one man, came back to me, then started dating another man. All the while, I was available to her. She continued to tell me to stay in touch, that she loved me, etc., etc.

 

Spare yourself the pain and go NC. If she wants to be with you there is no middle ground. You're either together or your not, and right now, friends is an impossibility. In time, perhaps, but you can't be holding on to hope when only 1 person wants what isn't there. If she loves you, she'll come back when she's ready.

 

Best,

 

GB

[panthera_leo]

GB couldn't have said it any better.

 

My ex wants me to "keep in touch", in fact he even admitted himself that he wants to be friends until he's "ready" for a relationship. It takes a strong person to say *no*.

 

Im going NC for myself - Im putting my needs before his - i want to focus on me for a change. If you do the same you shall earn her respect. Show her that you dont settle for cr*p.

 

While your still hanging around, she has the best of both worlds. Have no contact to focus on your needs. Give her the oppurtunity to miss you... it will work out better in the long run

[mr.gerbick]

Thanks for the replies. I asked her a question through email today, and I think it is better if I just posted her reply rather than trying to explain it, but this is in regards to the whole situation. This was my question to her:

 

I was also thinking of when you asked me last night if I thought that

the reason I wanted to be with you was because I didn't think that I

could find anyone out there because of my situation. I wanted to ask

you the same thing in a sense. I know you mentioned you are not sure

if how you feel possibly stems from my craziness, but can it also

maybe be because are you scared of getting older and being single, or

maybe having to find someone all over again, or maybe because you had

a small taste of what is out there you think it will be too much

hassle in a way finding someone?

 

This was her reply:

 

I am not scared of getting older & being single. At first I thought it bothered me but now it does not, I told you I got comfortable with it just when this craziness happened. And I am not worried about staring all over again, even though it would be a hassle it's not an issue. But I do think that there is a lot of garbage out there and a lot of damaged goods and although I still have faith in people that some are still good I am not inclined to want to date people or be involved with them because of the way most people are nowadays. Its like if I compare it, you're like a sundae & the alternative is just looking like vanilla ice cream on a cone...do you get my drift? I already answered this yesterday bc I told you that I THINK yeah, if I wanted to find someone to replace you, to be in my life & be close with me I don't THINK that it would matter because it would not be you. There is a lot of things about you & "us" that make what we had special and unique and you make me feel safe & comfortable and I don't think just anyone can do that for me again. This is a complicated

situation where I feel like the weight of what should be done is too balanced for us to decide so we are just stuck in this limbo. But still, you have to stop asking me all these questions bc I am not really sure how I feel about everything and I told you that I cant just keep talking & talking till I am blue in the face like you do its all too much for me. I think things will be okay for us in one way or another but you still need to back off me a bit and try to stop loosing it. I mean it was cool to talk to you yesterday but then we had to stop and as long as our interaction is good I think we can work to figure something out together, slowly but it just cant be talking-texting-emailing everyday till we are blue in the face and we get frustrated with each other and make rash decisions because that's not how I want things to be...don't you think that's the smart thing to do?

 

do you see my confusion??

[mr.gerbick]

I know it sounds like I am stupid, but I do understand about the contact issue, which I am trying to work on, but the rest of it all is the part that is confusing.

[KittenMoon]

This girl is being VERY clear that you need to back off and you have no other choice, really. Otherwise, you will continue driving her nuts until she really does want NOTHING to do with you.

[mr.gerbick]

I am trying, but then she tells me I can email her compliments if I want to, wtf is that?? Also in the same email, she states we can work through this together, which confuses me.

[KittenMoon]

As far as I can tell you are emailing, texting, etc her constantly. Back off and give her some space. Limit your emails, texts to no more than a few a week.

[mr.gerbick]

I will admit that it looks worse then it actually is. She don't mind the emails as long as I am not asking her questions, or bringing up the subject of what she did. Then she always asks questions in her emails, which I feel its only right to answer them. Yesterday was the first day out of all of this that she actually stated she misses me, and don't know if it is because of the whole me acting out of control thing. But I do have to say that I am trying. Sometimes it is just one email a day, which yes it needs to stop, but for every message I send there are atleast 50 to 100 that I don't send, because I am trying to control it. I know I sound like a crazy person, but I can't help it sometimes.

[panthera_leo]

Right...Mr G. Iv read all your past posts on your situation. Please dont see this as an attack. Im telling you what i see from a bystanders perspective and right now, thats what you need.

 

People are giving u good advice in your threads... PLEASE listen to them. Go back and re read your posts now... see how clingy you sound? Right, now turn the tables - imagine your ex talking like you talk...sad, lonely, in need of attention, depressed - would you want to be with someone like that? - NO. Reason: They bring you down also. You want to be with someone who enjoys life, who makes you feel happy just by being close to.

 

I know your really hurting, its hard having no control over something you desparately want to make right. But face reality, u have no control. You do however, have control over your actions. So make use of it, and go NC.

 

The ONLY way forward is to give this girl what she so desparately cries out for...and thats SPACE! Ok think of it this way. Everytime you contact her and talk about you "situation" your pushing her further away and sooner than later all respect she has for you will be dissipated. Fact. There will be no chance for reconciliation in the future because you will have rinsed the relationship of all good.

 

Look im a girl, if i was your ex you know what i'd want you to do? I'd want you to go out there, make a life for yourself and stop obsessing over me. Whats worse is she's already telling you this!!! Its in black and white!!!

 

I hope you dont take this as an attack, i dont want to attack you, but you need to LISTEN to what people are telling you!

[NotAnotherTeen]

To me, this sounds like she is also more or less confused right now. My ex also wanted to remain friends with me, because i knew her so well, and we really communicated good. However, i found out that this was too hard, because being close to her and having to talk to her, and acting like everything was just fine, was more than i could take. In just the past week, i have gone NC.

 

I think that sometimes the one who ended the relationship is perhaps even more confused than the one who got dumped. I also think that they dont want to get back together, but with having been with someone for so long, they just dont want to lose such an important part of their life. So, in a way, they are just using us to feel better, and maybe that if they can remain friends with us, it somehow justifies what they did.

 

I cared deeply for this girl, but its been a month now and its time i moved on, however hard it may be. I would suggest the same to. Start hanging out with friends more. Find a friend that you can trust, and tell him/her your true feelings about this girl. Talk about it with this person. This is a free way of getting psychological help, and this person should know you personally, and have maybe an idea of what your going throw. Of course, i would also continue the weekly psychiatrist visits.

[mr.gerbick]

I don't take anything on here as an attack, I appreciate all replies to my issues. But there just something strange about my situation. She wants to meet up again at the end of the week and talk about this again. So I asked her, just to make sure, if she want to do the NC thing until that time, because that is what I got from the message, and she replied back with "you can call me whenever". << Now things like this is what confuses me.

[visotech]

Well rule of thumb, whether its contact or no contact is not to bring up the relationship. But contact or no contact is up to you, but I suggest reduced-contact at the LEAST.

[mr.gerbick]

I had another convo with her tonight. So I can ask her about this communication issue in depth. She still wants to talk, but she still wants me to back off. Like maybe talk every other day, she is willing to start addressing our issues, but slowly. She does not want for me to wait to for her to contact me, but she does not want to make our conversations all day discussions either. There is no quick resolution to this, because it is not a cut all ties or just get back together type situation. Both of us feel like we want to get back together right now, but we want to make sure that it is the right thing for both of us. It is possible that I may want to get back out of desperation, and she may want to out of concern for my craziness, I don't know. But we both feel that we need to deal with our individual issues, and our past issues, alone and together.

 

After seeing all of this do you think I am stupid and maybe should have cut ties from when I found out what she originally did? Do you think I am hurting myself even more going through all of this? or maybe she is stringing me along, even though she says she isn't. I have not disregarded all of the previous posts from you all, it just seems that every other day the overall situation between me and her is changing, and I would just like some input on this new info.

[shelters]

Contact = confusion

 

No contact = clarity