Text Messages

[mr.gerbick]

I see your point shelters. I just feel like NC would = confusion also. I read a thread on here that I can relate to, which someone stated that there are a lot of unanswered questions with NC, which makes it confusing, but then again, contact isn't answering them anyway. I really hate myself for being in this situation, because I think I was a little too excited that she said she misses me and feels like she wants to get back together on sunday. If we do get back together it is going to be a long and slow process. Which i don't know if that is good for me right now. I think I need to just start worrying about myself and not about us, because this situation is taking a real toll on me. She is saying that this is just a start into building some sort of dialouge again, but for some reason i feel scared about it. I am also pissed in a way too, because I ask myself from time to time, why does everything go her way? why can she do what she did and I am the one who gets to feel like crap? why do we have to handle this situation the way she wants to handle it? Why are my feelings always the ones being pushed aside to accomidate hers? Why am I such a push-over? Why do I have to handle the situation so delicately, when she can just toss it around so freely?

 

I just don't understand anything about this anymore.

[Numbheart]

She is saying that this is just a start into building some sort of dialouge again, but for some reason i feel scared about it. I am also pissed in a way too, because I ask myself from time to time, why does everything go her way? why can she do what she did and I am the one who gets to feel like crap? why do we have to handle this situation the way she wants to handle it? Why are my feelings always the ones being pushed aside to accomidate hers? Why am I such a push-over? Why do I have to handle the situation so delicately, when she can just toss it around so freely?

 

To me it looks fairly obvious, because you are trying to put far too much emotional pressure on her at the moment.

You know the feeling of being backed into a corner and having to be tough to get out of it, if its what you really want to do or not?

 

The last email you posted made sense to me from her point of view.

It does look like she is keen to work through things, but she cannot take all the constant questions from you at the moment, thats why shes asking you to back of with them.

Reading in-between the lines, it looks like she wants to try and be back with you pretending none of this has happened, but open to address issues at a pace she is happy with, the less you push her with questions, the more likely she will be to want to talk about them.

Does that make sense to you?

If she wants to meet, then meet her, show her fun happy times and dont push any questions, let her start with them, try and get yourselves back to a level that you used to be at, that way, the pressure will appear much less than it is now and talking about the issues should hopefully be calmer and less intense.

[mr.gerbick]

yes, I know the exact feeling of being pushed in the corner, that is how I felt when we originally broke up. It's kind of funny that the tables are turned now. I know I need to stop the pressure. The one part I am not good at is just letting things flow, I know I need to change this. I am the type that needs answers, for example, even if it is just something stupid like going out with friends, I am like well, who's driving? what time are we leaving? who's going to be there? etc. I am "that" guy. I see your point though, and she made a good point yesterday. She told me she is trying to work with me through this, but it is a lot easier to walk away from a conversation now, rather then it was to walk away when we broke up, which makes sense. I really want to give her the space she needs and I am trying. She started smoking again when we broke up and she hates that about herself, she always used to complain about me smoking when we were together. I feel like me contacting her is like how she feels about smoking, I hate myself for it, but I still do it. The funny part about it is that I felt pressured by her towards the end of the relationship, just like she didn't like me smoking. (Just an odd observation). I over-analyze things way too much, but I have always been a thinker, and that is what is hurting me right now. Everything you said makes sense, I hate the fact that the ball is in her court, especially because I am hurting from what she did, but it is. If I REALLY want to try to make things work I need to play by her rules.

[Spiderman]

I posted the "Total Mess" thread. I can't stop myself from texting my ex, she responds to some of them, but not all. I hate myself for doing this, I need to stop, but can't control myself at times, how do I stop??

 

Especially when I am in on weekends, like tonight, I knew she was having a party at her house, because my sister still hangs out with her. I tried to make plans, I even went to a White Sox game and I don't even like sports, but I was home by 10:30pm with no plans. I called practically everyone I knew, but no one was doing anything. So I was stuck here with these anxious thoughts. I really need some help in regards to this. I am wasting my time and energy on this and I know it is holding me back from healing. I have been going to counseling, but they only do once a week sessions, which doesn't seem to be enough. I am at a stand still.

 

 

I really feel you bro. It's never easy, but unfortunately in the words of Nietzsche - What does not destroy us, makes us stronger ...

You have to move on buddy, and stop the contact immediately.

 

I've been there myself and understand it's so hard not to send that text, but to be totally honest, if there's any chance she's going to come back to you, she won't do it whilst you're still hounding her, it will just push her away further. Let her have her time, Hey she may even think - Hang on' why isn't he texting anymore, and you never know, she may miss your contact. When she has it on tap, she knows full well you're not going anywhere. Show her you've got your own life to lead and if she contacts you, be civil and friendly, not overly friendly mind & you never know...

 

If not move on and upwards & treat this as a learning curve.

 

Chin up, it's all good.

[Numbheart]

I over-analyze things way too much, but I have always been a thinker, and that is what is hurting me right now. Everything you said makes sense, I hate the fact that the ball is in her court, especially because I am hurting from what she did, but it is. If I REALLY want to try to make things work I need to play by her rules.

 

You sound a lot like me.

I feel the need for answers a lot, especially in the time of a split.

However, if any of my ex's were at the point of where yours is now, its easier to not push things, just seeing the fact that they really want to try and work at things is enough to drop pushing anything and go with a pace that they are happy with.

Everyone has their own way of handling something, if her way is not the same as yours, dont hold it against her, its just her way.

If you can back off with the pressure, it will help her and you a lot, she will see what and why you are doing it without the need to be telling you and hopefully she will think much more of you for doing so.

Control yourself and you will become stronger through it.

[mr.gerbick]

Thanks, I think I am somewhat on a way to recovery. I understand that we are two different people and that she could just say forget all of this.. and walk away, so I have to comprimise also, with her needs, not because I want to, but out of respect. Otherwise, it looks like, not only am I selfish, but unbearable. I am normally a laid back person, I don't know why I am so anxious about this situation, but I DO have to control myself. I know this now, and I am going to try my hardest to implement it now.