Does having had sex with a MM automatically makes a woman"bad relationship material"?

[Adunaphel]

It's a while I wanted to ask this question, but never dared to.

 

Would "nice guys"(and nice girls) enter a committed relationship with someone who has had an affair with a married person?

(of course if they would have otherwise been interested in him/her)

 

I'm asking specifically about nice guys because it's them that I am usually interested in.

[MadDog]

I don't know if I'm a typical "nice guy" because I'm pretty agressive and go for what I want, don't take crap, etc. However, I'd pretty much dump a girl if I found out she had an affair with a married man. It's important to me that the girl has a good set of morals.

[Adunaphel]

I don't know if I'm a typical "nice guy" because I'm pretty agressive and go for what I want, don't take crap, etc. However, I'd pretty much dump a girl if I found out she had an affair with a married man. It's important to me that the girl has a good set of morals.

 

thank you for the very honest reply.

 

Would the way she feels about it make any difference?

( I guess not)

 

Is there *anything* that would make any difference?

 

Also, if you don't mind the question... since you said you'd dump a girl once you found out such a thing, when do you consider it an acceptable time to tell your boyfriend that you had an affair with a married person?

 

Of course I'd tell such a thing to someone I was dating, but I don't think I should be expected to say it, let's say, on first date.

How much time would you give the girl to tell you about it?

I mean, how long do you think it would be fair she took to say it?

 

byw, from your posts I'd say you are one of the nice guys

[MadDog]

Oh Jesus. I continue to date a girl who hasn't given it up to me so now I'm a nice guy. Okay, I'll try to live up to my newfound title and not ask her for a threesome a few weeks down the road.

 

I don't think how she felt about it would make a difference. People make mistakes, sure, but the kind of mistakes they make is sometimes a reflection of their morals. Of course, morals are very subjective by nature and so what might be bad morals according to me might not be so bad to someone else.

 

When are you expected to make your confession? I'd say sometime before you two start getting serious. When it's obvious that you two are getting deeper emotions involved and are heading into the stage where you're about to mke a commitment, I think you need to come clean with it.

 

Just say, "Hey, I really like you a lot and I can see we're starting to get serious. Before we go further though there's something I think you should know that might change the way you view me." Then just tell him your side of the story. If he's like me then that will make him lose respect for you but everyone's different and he might be okay with it. If nothing else, he'll have to appreciate your honesty.

[Alexandra]

When are you expected to make your confession? I'd say sometime before you two start getting serious. When it's obvious that you two are getting deeper emotions involved and are heading into the stage where you're about to mke a commitment, I think you need to come clean with it.

 

Just say, "Hey, I really like you a lot and I can see we're starting to get serious. Before we go further though there's something I think you should know that might change the way you view me." Then just tell him your side of the story. If he's like me then that will make him lose respect for you but everyone's different and he might be okay with it. If nothing else, he'll have to appreciate your honesty.

 

Alright I'm lost. Why is everyone so clear the "confession" is a must?

[MadDog]

Alright I'm lost. Why is everyone so clear the "confession" is a must?

 

I think because sleeping with a married person is on par with cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm sure a majority of society views both as being sleezy behavior. I mean, if you were dating a guy and he had cheated in the past or slept with married women, wouldn't you want to know that before you get really serious?

[Alexandra]

I think because sleeping with a married person is on par with cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm sure a majority of society views both as being sleezy behavior. I mean, if you were dating a guy and he had cheated in the past or slept with married women, wouldn't you want to know that before you get really serious?

 

I disagree. If we're talking before-marriage-rundown-of-all-romantic-past then yes, s/he needs to know but at that point I doubt it matters.

 

If we're talking while dating before it got serious? Nope, I can't say I get why it would be a must to bring something of the sort up. It's not like we give all prospective partners a complete list of all things we think were a mistake starting with pulling girls' hair in primary school and ending with cheating on taxes.

[MadDog]

I disagree. If we're talking before-marriage-rundown-of-all-romantic-past then yes, s/he needs to know but at that point I doubt it matters.

 

If we're talking while dating before it got serious? Nope, I can't say I get why it would be a must to bring something of the sort up. It's not like we give all prospective partners a complete list of all things we think were a mistake starting with pulling girls' hair in primary school and ending with cheating on taxes.

 

But do you really want to wait until right before you're married to bring up stuff like this? That would be lame to have a relationship of several years and just as I think I want to propose to the girl, she admits she's cheated in the past, slept with married guys, etc. I would have never stayed with her that long if I had known that about her.

 

The difference is that pulling a girl's hair in primary school and cheating on taxes is that it has little to do with how you view relationships. For one, what you did as a kid is an exception--it doesn't necessarily reflect who you are today. However, cheating on significant others and sleeping with married people indicates how you view relationships: that you don't think they mean all that much.

[HokeyReligions]

I asked Hubby. He said No Way would he date a woman who had an affair with a married man. His words were "That tells me all I need to know about the type of person she is" no matter what point they are in the relationship. Just started dating or in a develped relationship.

 

Hubby, in spite of all of our problems, IS a nice-guy.

[MadDog]

I asked Hubby. He said No Way would he date a woman who had an affair with a married man. His words were "That tells me all I need to know about the type of person she is" no matter what point they are in the relationship. Just started dating or in a develped relationship.

 

Hubby, in spite of all of our problems, IS a nice-guy.

 

Ask him if he'd have a threesome with 2 hot chicks (one of them a hot blonde named Trixie) if he was single.

[Alexandra]

The difference is that pulling a girl's hair in primary school and cheating on taxes is that it has little to do with how you view relationships. For one, what you did as a kid is an exception--it doesn't necessarily reflect who you are today. However, cheating on significant others and sleeping with married people indicates how you view relationships: that you don't think they mean all that much.

 

Alright let's see. First of all we disagree on the premise here if you put an equal sign between being the OW/OM in an affair and cheating. They're not the same thing to me -at least- because of several factors. In the former one falls in love and does not betray their own commitment. In the second instance yes, a promise is broken, a personal promise. One can be accused of being foolish, silly, a masochist but it's still not going against the same level of responsability as it is when one cheats.

 

As for when.... yes you're probably right, when a relationship is serious and at the moment that a serious talk is in order not the day of the wedding but I simply don't see the point in saying it right after you meet someone and while casually dating. It seems destructive and it can become a way to self-punishment.

 

To answer your initial question Adunaphel yes, I do believe it changes one's perspective but there are varying degrees in how much it does, depending on the person you are involved with (e.g. someone with very strong religious beliefs, etc). I also think it needs to be said but WHEN and HOW are of the essence. And yes, it does matter how you feel about it. If you do regret it then that needs to come across and I do believe it makes a difference.

[erika2610]

I wouldn't tell. I dunno, maybe that makes me a bad person.. but why would I? It's part of my past, not who I am today. I also don't think being an OW is the same as cheating on your spouse. Not at all.

[MadDog]

Alright let's see. First of all we disagree on the premise here if you put an equal sign between being the OW/OM in an affair and cheating. They're not the same thing to me -at least- because of several factors. In the former one falls in love and does not betray their own commitment. In the second instance yes, a promise is broken, a personal promise. One can be accused of being foolish, silly, a masochist but it's still not going against the same level of responsability as it is when one cheats.

 

They're not the same thing per se but they're equally objectionable to me. I know our opinions differ on that and that's cool. I know being the OW/OM doesn't betray your own commitment but it also says other things like:

 

1. I'm selfish and don't give a damn about other people as long as I'm satisfied

 

2. I don't mind being an accessory in defiling a marriage (e.g. marriage doesn't mean very much to me.)

 

I think those two points make being the OW/OM much worse than being foolish or silly, at least in my eyes.

 

As for when.... yes you're probably right, when a relationship is serious and at the moment that a serious talk is in order not the day of the wedding but I simply don't see the point in saying it right after you meet someone and while casually dating. It seems destructive and it can become a way to self-punishment.

 

Like I said, I don't think it needs to be brought up on date 1. It needs to be brought up around the time you have 'the talk" where you discuss commitment. It'd be lame to have the talk and decide to get into a committed relationship only to bring up a few days later that you were an OM/OW or you've cheated in the past.

[Adunaphel]

Mad Dog, Hokey, Alexandra, Erika,

thank you for your replies.

 

(and, Hokey, thank you for asking your H! I really appreciate it.)

 

Mad Dog, I will do as you suggest, bring it up before the relationship becomes exclusive.

 

I feel that it is fair to tell your SO about such a thing.

I felt that I had to tell my friends, too.

I was just very lucky that my best friends, included the one who thought she'd lose respect for anyone who had an affair with a married person, still see me as they did before.

 

I also think it's perfectly okay to decide not to date someone for such a reason.

I'd be very sorry if someone I cared about decided that I am not relationship material for such a reason, but it would go in the "deal with the consequences of your actions" cathegory.

Unless of course the guy had done something that I find just as bad, or worse. In which case I'd call it hypocrysy.

 

Yet, I would be very hurt if someone I care about put it on the same level as cheating on your SO.

I think it's very, very different , and I am glad that someone else shares this point of view.

Alexandra, reading about your point of view made me feel better.

I really appreciate that you took the time to post in this thread.

[Touche]

I have to agree with Alexandra and Erika on this one. I don't see the need to tell. I mean maybe not till WELL into the relationship when the person already knows what kind of person you are NOW.

 

My husband told me about seeing a married woman for awhile. He didn't know she was married right away but when he found out, he broke it off. It didn't bother me in the least. I respected his honesty. But he didn't tell me this until we were already engaged...didn't change a thing.

[MadDog]

You have a good attitude and seem reasonable and mature. What made you do it?

[Adunaphel]

I have to agree with Alexandra and Erika on this one. I don't see the need to tell. I mean maybe not till WELL into the relationship when the person already knows what kind of person you are NOW.

 

My husband told me about seeing a married woman for awhile. He didn't know she was married right away but when he found out, he broke it off. It didn't bother me in the least. I respected his honesty. But he didn't tell me this until we were already engaged...didn't change a thing.

 

Thank you for your point of view.

 

Your husband could not have been blamed even by the bigger moralist on the face of this planet, though.

He didn't know the woman was not single, did he?

When you already know the person is married, it is very different, morally speaking.

If you didn't know, you were basically lied to, you were just one of the "damaged persons".

[MadDog]

My husband told me about seeing a married woman for awhile. He didn't know she was married right away but when he found out, he broke it off. It didn't bother me in the least. I respected his honesty. But he didn't tell me this until we were already engaged...didn't change a thing.

 

Well that's a different story if he didn't know she was married and broke it off when he found out. How is that his fault? It's a completely different scenario to know someone is married from the start but sleep with them anyway.

[Touche]

Well that's a different story if he didn't know she was married and broke it off when he found out. How is that his fault? It's a completely different scenario to know someone is married from the start but sleep with them anyway.

 

Well, you're right that's true. But if he had continued sleeping with her, I don't think it would have changed my opinion about the man he was when I met him. If he had expressed regret over it, I would have just written it off as a mistake. I mean we've all made them. His values and morals are impeccable but no one is perfect. We've all made mistakes.

[MadDog]

Well, you're right that's true. But if he had continued sleeping with her, I don't think it would have changed my opinion about the man he was when I met him. If he had expressed regret over it, I would have just written it off as a mistake. I mean we've all made them. His values and morals are impeccable but no one is perfect. We've all made mistakes.

 

Now you've done it. Now I have to tell everyone about my opinion on differences between mistakes and revelations of character. How I see it:

 

Mistakes don't involve conscious thought and normally happen in an instant. Calling your SO your ex's name, saying something that came out wrong, etc. would be examples. There was no decision making in the process.

 

Revelations of character involve conscious thought and a decision. They aren't mistakes but reveal what type of character you have. Cheating on an SO, sleeping with married people, beating a woman, etc.

 

If you are going to cheat on your SO, you know it's wrong but you do it anyway. It's not a mistake--you're making a conscious decision to do something you know will hurt someone. It reveals the type of morals you have.

[Touche]

Now you've done it. Now I have to tell everyone about my opinion on differences between mistakes and revelations of character. How I see it:

 

Mistakes don't involve conscious thought and normally happen in an instant. Calling your SO your ex's name, saying something that came out wrong, etc. would be examples. There was no decision making in the process.

 

Revelations of character involve conscious thought and a decision. They aren't mistakes but reveal what type of character you have. Cheating on an SO, sleeping with married people, beating a woman, etc.

 

If you are going to cheat on your SO, you know it's wrong but you do it anyway. It's not a mistake--you're making a conscious decision to do something you know will hurt someone. It reveals the type of morals you have.

 

Well, I can't argue with this and for the most part it's true. BUT..in some instances people can really change their character. I admit, I think it's rare but it happens. It's best to give a person the benefit of the doubt and look at the total person as they are now and in the recent past.

 

But, yeah..mostly I agree with you.

 

And yes, it's true Ad, my husband's situation was different since he didn't know.

[pricillia]

Well that's a different story if he didn't know she was married and broke it off when he found out. How is that his fault? It's a completely different scenario to know someone is married from the start but sleep with them anyway.

 

ah... but that is what he told her, does not mean that he did not know that she was married, and he broke it off right away on the spot, hmmm

not believing it

 

Nothing is black and white people change for the good and the bad

nobody is above perfection, if someone was with a MM or a MW then yes that is wrong by all means, moment of weakness perhaps

[Adunaphel]

You have a good attitude and seem reasonable and mature. What made you do it?

 

Actually I think I should mull over this question for a while.

I guess that when I'll sort out the real answer, I will have learnt something important about myself.

I mean, I could describe how things went, but it would not be the real answer.

 

Anyway, I have no excuses.

I knew he was married before anything happened, I was not fed any of those "my marriage is unhappy" sad tales nor any of that "my wife does not understand me" bullsh*t.

 

Let's say that I "played with fire" and flirted with him before meeting him (we got to talk on the internet before meeting each other, but he was not really a stranger, we had friends in common) ... reacted badly when he told me he was married, but continued to flirt(which would be a bad thing in itself, but I was desperate for some attention from someone I found interesting) thinking that once we met we'd laugh it off and nothing would happen.

Did not expect I'd find him handsome, very pleasant to talk with, a lot nicer than I thought he would be, smarter than I'd have thought.

I was basically expecting to see a pig, saw the most charming man I have ever met. I was sucked in. I still am, in a way, even if I have realized that he is the kind of person I should run like hell away from even if he was single.

 

I suspect that if I had dated a little more, it would not have happened. I was not used to men treating you like he did *that* one time. I was swept off my feet. I suspect it might be the standard strategy that players use, though. well, I hope it was, since it would explain some things.

 

Thank you for asking

[Touche]

ah... but that is what he told her, does not mean that he did not know that she was married, and he broke it off right away on the spot, hmmm

not believing it

 

Nothing is black and white people change for the good and the bad

nobody is above perfection, if someone was with a MM or a MW then yes that is wrong by all means, moment of weakness perhaps

 

Hmmm, well if you knew my husband you WOULD believe it. Like I said his morals and values are impeccable. I've seen his morals and values put to the test for over 11 years. Besides which, he had no reason to lie to me. That was way in the past and he knew I wouldn't judge him for something like that that happened so long ago.

 

The rest of what you say makes sense though. Just needed to correct you on the first part of your post.

[pricillia]

Hmmm, well if you knew my husband you WOULD believe it. Like I said his morals and values are impeccable. I've seen his morals and values put to the test for over 11 years. Besides which, he had no reason to lie to me. That was way in the past and he knew I wouldn't judge him for something like that that happened so long ago.

 

The rest of what you say makes sense though. Just needed to correct you on the first part of your post.

 

 

ok that is good, but I ask if he did not break it off right away because he had feelings for her would you still forgive him?