Does having had sex with a MM automatically makes a woman"bad relationship material"?

[Adunaphel]

Thank you again.

 

I see that you are very coherent and that you don't have double standards, and I admire you for this.

 

I feel I can only have these sort of standards for people I date, my friends, etc. because I know for a fact I can live by those same standards. I know no matter what, I would never sleep with a married woman. I could always find someone else who wasn't married, right?

 

What strikes me the most, is that I used to be like you.

(I really hope you will never sleep with a MW because if it happens it will be quite a shock for you. It's weird to realize that your morals are turned upside down. )

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? (Just out of curiosity. I think you are older than me, but I don't know really).

[erika2610]

Yes, it would drastically change my opinion of them and make me lose respect for them. At the same time, my close friends would probably never do something like that. I'm really selective with the people I call friends. If they did that though, I'd have to conclude that I misjudged their character.

 

If that were to occur, yes it would radically change my friendship with them. I like having friends whom I can be proud of. Mistakes are fine but like I mentioned before, something like this wouldn't be a mistake as much as a revelation of character.

 

I feel I can only have these sort of standards for people I date, my friends, etc. because I know for a fact I can live by those same standards. I know no matter what, I would never sleep with a married woman. I could always find someone else who wasn't married, right?

 

I think you should read this article as you don't think any of your friends would do such a thing. Sometimes you just never know..

 

http://gloryb.com/articles/whoisshe.html

[Alexandra]

Yes, it would drastically change my opinion of them and make me lose respect for them. At the same time, my close friends would probably never do something like that. I'm really selective with the people I call friends. If they did that though, I'd have to conclude that I misjudged their character.

 

If that were to occur, yes it would radically change my friendship with them. I like having friends whom I can be proud of. Mistakes are fine but like I mentioned before, something like this wouldn't be a mistake as much as a revelation of character.

 

Hypothetical question.... is it not possible that you make your stance on the matter known vocally enough that had one of your friends slipped they would not tell you for fear they lost you?

[starlet]

I respect that some people on here wouldn't consider sleeping with a known married person to be a deal breaker but let's flip it around. If you were married and found out your spouse had been sleeping someone, and you knew for a fact that person knew your spouse was married, what would you be your opinion of that OM/OW? Wouldn't you consider them to be scum?

 

Well, I think that situation is a little bit different. That would be a right after the fact that it happened reveal, when the anger and shock are still overwhelming. I think rage at the other woman at that point is understandable. Also, I think that isn't the same thing as finding out that someone you're interested in at one point in the past had done this. If the someone you're interested in cheats on you, that's your significant other cheating, not having a past. That's your spouse's fault for not honoring the promises he/she made to you. This other person didn't force him to cheat, he made a choice. And people who want to cheat, cheat.

 

If that were to occur, yes it would radically change my friendship with them. I like having friends whom I can be proud of. Mistakes are fine but like I mentioned before, something like this wouldn't be a mistake as much as a revelation of character.

 

But everyone makes mistakes. And they should be your friends for reasons other than that you can be proud of them. If that's your criteria, that's a pretty unfair relationship with them, that you can only be friends when you deem them "good enough" to be friends with you.

 

Honestly, I really do admire that at least you are consistent with your moral views and opinions, just saying that I completely could not hold others to that high of a standard.

[erika2610]

Well, I think that situation is a little bit different. That would be a right after the fact that it happened reveal, when the anger and shock are still overwhelming. I think rage at the other woman at that point is understandable. Also, I think that isn't the same thing as finding out that someone you're interested in at one point in the past had done this. If the someone you're interested in cheats on you, that's your significant other cheating, not having a past. That's your spouse's fault for not honoring the promises he/she made to you. This other person didn't force him to cheat, he made a choice. And people who want to cheat, cheat.

 

 

 

But everyone makes mistakes. And they should be your friends for reasons other than that you can be proud of them. If that's your criteria, that's a pretty unfair relationship with them, that you can only be friends when you deem them "good enough" to be friends with you.

 

Honestly, I really do admire that at least you are consistent with your moral views and opinions, just saying that I completely could not hold others to that high of a standard.

 

That was a good post.. especially the last point. I mean, darn, if my friends held me to that high of a standard, I'd have no friends left I have all kinds of friends.. great people, schlubs, doesn't matter. I like them for the people they are, not the mistakes they have made. Not what they have done in the past. Just because I don't do drugs, doesn't mean I'm not friends with people who've done them in the past for example.

[MadDog]

I think you should read this article as you don't think any of your friends would do such a thing. Sometimes you just never know..

 

http://gloryb.com/articles/whoisshe.html

 

I read it and frankly it bored me. It sounds like an article written by someone who's acting the fool but still wants to be understood and liked. It definately didn't have the "wow, I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental" effect it intended, that's for sure. If I met someone like her, I'd keep my distance from her and wouldn't date her. A casual friendship would be fine but that's about it.

 

Hypothetical question.... is it not possible that you make your stance on the matter known vocally enough that had one of your friends slipped they would not tell you for fear they lost you?

 

I suppose anything is possible but I'm not going to worry about that type of scenario. It's not like I go around saying, "Man, if you slept with a married woman, I'll never talk to you again" all the time or something. I might make a comment like, "Who wants to get with a married chick anyway? You've gotta be pretty lame to do that."

[MadDog]

Well, I think that situation is a little bit different. That would be a right after the fact that it happened reveal, when the anger and shock are still overwhelming. I think rage at the other woman at that point is understandable.

 

So after the initial rage was over, would you then be able to forgive that woman and eventually learn to respect her and even be her friend?

 

But everyone makes mistakes. And they should be your friends for reasons other than that you can be proud of them. If that's your criteria, that's a pretty unfair relationship with them, that you can only be friends when you deem them "good enough" to be friends with you.

 

Of course, it's not like I choose friends based on their social status and impeccable morals or anything. They're my friends because I enjoy their company and they're good people. I don't consider people that knowingly sleep with married men/women to be good people. It's really that simple.

 

And when you talk about being "good enough" to be friends with me, okay. If you want to put it that way, it's sort of true. I discriminate when it comes to choosing friends. I definately take my time getting to know someone before I figure out whether he or she is someone I can respect and would want as a friend. You're right. Some people end up being a**h***s or bitches and therefore they're not good enough to be my friend. Oh well. It's my life and I get to choose who my friends are.

[erika2610]

Of course, it's not like I choose friends based on their social status and impeccable morals or anything. They're my friends because I enjoy their company and they're good people. I don't consider people that knowingly sleep with married men/women to be good people. It's really that simple.

 

And when you talk about being "good enough" to be friends with me, okay. If you want to put it that way, it's sort of true. I discriminate when it comes to choosing friends. I definately take my time getting to know someone before I figure out whether he or she is someone I can respect and would want as a friend. You're right. Some people end up being a**h***s or bitches and therefore they're not good enough to be my friend. Oh well. It's my life and I get to choose who my friends are.

 

I don't think just because you slept with a married person, that that automatically makes you a bad person. I think that's pretty harsh to say.

[MadDog]

I don't think just because you slept with a married person, that that automatically makes you a bad person. I think that's pretty harsh to say.

 

They might not be bad people but I wouldn't consider them good people either. Good people act good.

[a4a]

They might not be bad people but I wouldn't consider them good people either. Good people act good.

 

I would have to agree with MD quite a bit here. I do have a friend that cheated on his wife one time. I so lost respect for him, he has moved way down the totem pole of who I consider a true/desired friend. We still talk but it will never be the same.

 

I don't hang out with bible thumpers either... my choice. I just don't really want anything to do with that sort of person either. We all have our own preferences for who we like to have in our lives or not. You cannot dictate that to any person. You don't have to like every person you meet. I would not hang with a child molester either, or a alcoholic or current drug user.

 

But those are my choices. Are they bad people... maybe not. But not the sort of people I choose to have in my life. No biggie, really is it?

[starlet]

So after the initial rage was over, would you then be able to forgive that woman and eventually learn to respect her and even be her friend?

 

Well, I think it's a big gap from being friends with a woman who slept with a married person and being friends with a woman who slept with your husband. That's not even close to the same thing - one is intrinsically more personal than the other one.

 

And when you talk about being "good enough" to be friends with me, okay. If you want to put it that way, it's sort of true. I discriminate when it comes to choosing friends. I definately take my time getting to know someone before I figure out whether he or she is someone I can respect and would want as a friend. You're right. Some people end up being a**h***s or bitches and therefore they're not good enough to be my friend. Oh well. It's my life and I get to choose who my friends are.

 

True. Which I guess is good for you, if that's the kind of worldview that you like. I think it's still kind of harsh though. So you would punish someone for the rest of their lives if they make one mistake/bad decision/poor choice? "good people act good" is a heckuva lot to live up to - nobody acts good all the time. Otherwise we'd all be perfect.

[climbergirl]

Well, I think it's a big gap from being friends with a woman who slept with a married person and being friends with a woman who slept with your husband. That's not even close to the same thing - one is intrinsically more personal than the other one.

 

 

 

True. Which I guess is good for you, if that's the kind of worldview that you like. I think it's still kind of harsh though. So you would punish someone for the rest of their lives if they make one mistake/bad decision/poor choice? "good people act good" is a heckuva lot to live up to - nobody acts good all the time. Otherwise we'd all be perfect.

 

Good quote. If we are talking about friends then I think they are our friends because of what they bring into our lives. It doesn't necessarily mean that their choices affect us. I've made many bad choices, and I thank god I don't have to hide those from my true friends.....after all, they are my other 'eyes'. They don't judge, they don't preach, but they may prod me in the right direction. As one of my best friends (of over 20 years) says to me, "this is your journey.....". It's one thing to be a mean, vindictive, arrogant person by nature and another to be blinded temporarily by outside circumstances and emotions. And, in addendum, to have truly lived I don't think anyone can say they haven't made bad choices or decisions. Seems pretty stagnant to say otherwise.

 

AND, to classify one of your actions as a mistake is, in essence, knowing you don't want to or will not repeat it. I also think that says a lot about a person.