Does having had sex with a MM automatically makes a woman"bad relationship material"?

[gfto]

Yep. Automatically.

[Touche]

ok that is good, but I ask if he did not break it off right away because he had feelings for her would you still forgive him?

 

Yes, pricilla. I would have as I've said. But only because it was many years before we met and knowing the kind of man he is, I would have known that that was VERY out of character for him.

[erika2610]

Let me ask a question. Guys.. you found your perfect woman. She's good looking, great personality, really kind & warm. You were getting along great and thinking about getting serious, but you found out she slept with a MM 10 years ago.. that would change everything and you would dump her?

[Alexandra]

Cheating on an SO, sleeping with married people, beating a woman, etc.

 

 

Now I'm puzzled.... on a number of things. First and foremost the way you equal such different matters, cheating, being involved in an affair and abuse. Personally I think the latter is a whole other bag of rotten worms. It doesn't even begin to compare. One would argue that cheating is emotional abuse as well. Let's face it, moral or not unless it gets out it's only hurting the conscience of the one that did it, and even when it does it's not nearly as severe of intentional hurt as abuse which by definition is consciently inflicting pain not indirectly, not implied, willingly, on purpose.

 

Saying being the OW or OM is the same as the cheater is a stretch at best as well. I've explained the committment-breaking difference and it's essential. You're saying it's being an acessory, yes, but does aiding a murderer -for whatever reasons- equal pulling the trigger?

 

Another point is that you say "sleeping with married people" not "being involved in an affair", I know how the OP put it but it's still disregarding the fine nuances of different sorts of cheating -e.g. emotional, sexual, both- and it makes it sound like it's the sexual act you're bothered with which doesn't compute well with the theme here being morals.

 

Speaking of character, I understand your criteria MadDog and it's yours to have and there's no one that can argue with it, although I for one find it strange you don't think cheating on taxes is foretelling on one's character. But you also have to admit that in choosing a partner, the way the two resonate is essential and it's highly probable that in someone who's a romantic at heart, the love story behind the affair would be more important.

 

With that said. Adunaphel there is no one set of morals, there is no such thing as two people who share the exact same values to a T, to some people it would be unacceptable - if you tell them at the point of "the talk" and they need to toss you to the curve for it, in a sense it's for the best, as someone here rightfully pointed out, it's part of who you are, it happened, you learnt lessons from it and even if you didn't it changed you so what's the point in being with someone who won't want the resulting you? If they do then jolly good so the talk could serve as a "weeds remover". If anything the opposing opinions in this thread will show just that, some will (think you bad relationship material) some won't.

 

Afterall it's all about EQs and how much we can, or can not understand and accept, there's no such thing as a relationship where no one compromises and whether we admit to it or not, we compromise on morals as well often, be it about romantical pasts, political stances or ideas on family.

[pricillia]

Let me ask a question. Guys.. you found your perfect woman. She's good looking, great personality, really kind & warm. You were getting along great and thinking about getting serious, but you found out she slept with a MM 10 years ago.. that would change everything and you would dump her?

 

 

that is just my point, nobody is perfect, not even myself, loving someone

even someone that is married is not an easy thing to get over. You make a mistake and hopefully you learn from it and you move on.

 

There are people out there who do allot worse then seeing someone who they did not know was married or getting involved with someone that was, not right but hey it happens, not making light of it but...

 

I never thought that I would open myself up to being with a married man

have since ended it for the most part but it happened and before it happened I would have been one of those who would say that I would never forgive someone who had done that or be with one who would

[johan]

It's a while I wanted to ask this question, but never dared to.

 

Would "nice guys"(and nice girls) enter a committed relationship with someone who has had an affair with a married person?

(of course if they would have otherwise been interested in him/her)

 

I'm asking specifically about nice guys because it's them that I am usually interested in.

 

It depends. People make mistakes. If she was flippant about it, then I'd have issues with it. If she felt it was a huge mistake and regrets it and learned her lesson, then I wouldn't worry about it. Especially if it was a very short-term fling, and she was young when it happened.

 

I expect high morals, but I'm forgiving as well. I appreciate people who have been tested in life. To me it's more important what people do with their mistakes than it is that they never make any.

[erika2610]

It depends. People make mistakes. If she was flippant about it, then I'd have issues with it. If she felt it was a huge mistake and regrets it and learned her lesson, then I wouldn't worry about it. Especially if it was a very short-term fling, and she was young when it happened.

 

I expect high morals, but I'm forgiving as well. I appreciate people who have been tested in life. To me it's more important what people do with their mistakes than it is that they never make any.

 

That's a good attitude, Johan..

[Wicked Wanda]

Hear! Hear! Just because you did does not make you a bad person... and I agree with Touche - no need to tell if it's long past...

[pricillia]

It depends. People make mistakes. If she was flippant about it, then I'd have issues with it. If she felt it was a huge mistake and regrets it and learned her lesson, then I wouldn't worry about it. Especially if it was a very short-term fling, and she was young when it happened.

 

I expect high morals, but I'm forgiving as well. I appreciate people who have been tested in life. To me it's more important what people do with their mistakes than it is that they never make any.

 

I agree good attitude to have

where would we all be if we were not forgiving???

[MadDog]

Now I'm puzzled.... on a number of things. First and foremost the way you equal such different matters, cheating, being involved in an affair and abuse. Personally I think the latter is a whole other bag of rotten worms. It doesn't even begin to compare.

 

I didn't mean to say that cheating, affairs, and abuse are equal. Abuse is by far the worst obviously. It's just that all of those fall under the "revealing of character" category as opposed to the "mistakes" category.

 

Saying being the OW or OM is the same as the cheater is a stretch at best as well. I've explained the committment-breaking difference and it's essential. You're saying it's being an acessory, yes, but does aiding a murderer -for whatever reasons- equal pulling the trigger?

 

Again, it's not that it's the same as far as severity but they both reveal character. And also, I wouldn't date someone who has done either. I guess my threshold for that kind of behavior is set pretty low--I figure I can always find someone who didn't do those things.

 

You're right, an accessory to murder isn't the same thing as pulling the trigger but would you really want to date someone who's "only" an accessory?

 

Another point is that you say "sleeping with married people" not "being involved in an affair", I know how the OP put it but it's still disregarding the fine nuances of different sorts of cheating -e.g. emotional, sexual, both- and it makes it sound like it's the sexual act you're bothered with which doesn't compute well with the theme here being morals.

 

I'm bothered by all types of cheating, sexual or emotional. I'd be just as pissed if I found out my girlfriend were banging a guy as much as if she were going out on dates with a guy, holding his hand, sleeping in his bed, etc. The only reason why I have these standards is because I know I can apply them to myself. I'd break up with someone before I ever came close to cheating on them.

 

Speaking of character, I understand your criteria MadDog and it's yours to have and there's no one that can argue with it, although I for one find it strange you don't think cheating on taxes is foretelling on one's character. But you also have to admit that in choosing a partner, the way the two resonate is essential and it's highly probable that in someone who's a romantic at heart, the love story behind the affair would be more important.

 

A love story behind an affair is just a justification. It's still wrong. It's like when they show sob stories on TV of deathrow inmates. You know, 60 year old guys who supposedly has been in jail since he was 19 when he killed a liquor store clerk. They talk about how he's remorseful, etc. Being remorseful doesn't bring the dead back to life any more than having a love story makes breaking up a marriage any better.

[pricillia]

killing someone and loving someone are two different things,

having an affair is wrong hopefully one learns from it and moves on

 

I have seen on this post that men say that it is human nature for them to want to be with more than one woman, that they can not help it as it it is

part of who they are.

 

mad dog you would not do that right, but would you have a threesome if

your girl were willing?

[MadDog]

I have seen on this post that men say that it is human nature for them to want to be with more than one woman, that they can not help it as it it is

part of who they are.

 

mad dog you would not do that right, but would you have a threesome if

your girl were willing?

 

Yes there is human nature/instinct but we are also intelligent beings and not animals. It might be human nature to physically hurt someone who angers you but obviously a civilized person realizes that doing so accomplishes nothing and does more harm than good.

 

No, I wouldn't have a threesome with any serious girlfriend I'd have. I'd be risking too much just for physical pleasure. If I'm in a serious relationship, she's already meeting my physical needs anyway.

 

I'd have one with 2 random girls or maybe a girl I was very casually dating and didn't see a long term future with, sure.

[pricillia]

Yes there is human nature/instinct but we are also intelligent beings and not animals. It might be human nature to physically hurt someone who angers you but obviously a civilized person realizes that doing so accomplishes nothing and does more harm than good.

 

No, I wouldn't have a threesome with any serious girlfriend I'd have. I'd be risking too much just for physical pleasure. If I'm in a serious relationship, she's already meeting my physical needs anyway.

 

I'd have one with 2 random girls or maybe a girl I was very casually dating and didn't see a long term future with, sure.

 

alright just wanted to get a sensible opinion on that.

 

see for me I would never have a threesome with two random guys, I have to have strong feelings to be with someone, I would never be with someone I did not care that much about, guess I am not a casual dater

[MadDog]

alright just wanted to get a sensible opinion on that.

 

see for me I would never have a threesome with two random guys, I have to have strong feelings to be with someone, I would never be with someone I did not care that much about, guess I am not a casual dater

 

That also reflects the difference between a typical guy and girl when it comes to sex. The typical guy can separate the physical and emotional components involving sex whereas for the typical girl, both the physical and emotional are more integrated and harder to separate. We're talking generalities here and of course sex can be both physically and emotionally stimulating for a guy and a girl can have sex just for the physical.

[pricillia]

I know that there is a difference between women and men when it comes to sex, women are more emotional and men are more physical, I prefer to be a woman and feel that emotion connection before I hook up

 

purely my perspective on the whole thing.

[lovelorcet]

I have to say I am pretty much with MadDog all the way with this one. There is a slim chance that if a girls was the OW and could really convince me that she it was wrong and that she had learned something I might be able to let it go. And for me I would also rank knowingly getting involved with a M-person as just as bad as cheating themselves. Both are acts of extreme selfishness and willingness to be dishonest. Those are deal breakers for me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Would "nice guys"(and nice girls) enter a committed relationship with someone who has had an affair with a married person?

 

I'd first have to give thought the circumstances … their age and experience at the time it happened and consider their emotional maturity at the time.

 

Let's say; if someone was in their teens or twenties when this happened, and they are now in their mid thirties and waaaay beyond those numpty years … I'd probably chalk it up to the folly and blunder of youth. Providing, of course, that enough years have passed since the incident and I feel confident that they've grown up a lot since then and now consider it a 'mistake' in judgment they would not repeat in their adult years.

 

I'd be more apt to avoid the person who cheated "on" someone they were in a relationship with … because that commitment and promise was theirs to honor and respect. It requires more dishonesty and deceit to cheat "on" someone then "with" someone … and to me, a person's integrity is only as solid as their word.

 

Then again … don't know if I really qualify as a "nice girl". I think (like most people) I'm somewhere in the middle. It depends on the person, situation and day.

[Adunaphel]

Thank you to anyone who posted in the thread, I was glad to read your different opinions and point of views.

I am glad to know it would not necessarily be a deal breaker for some of you.

[starlet]

I have to chime in with the people who say that it probably wouldn't matter to them. I mean, I think everybody has done something that they aren't proud of, has done something in the past that is bad, wrong or immoral in some way. It doesn't mean they are doomed to spend the rest of their life as a "bad person" - I can't actually see that as being something that would be a dealbreaker for me if everything else about the person was a plus for me.

 

I think that there are levels, you know? And being involved with a married person is kind of low on the list of deal breaker items. *shrug* With all the things that could be wrong with a potential partner this just doesn't seem like the end of the world to me.

[MadDog]

I respect that some people on here wouldn't consider sleeping with a known married person to be a deal breaker but let's flip it around. If you were married and found out your spouse had been sleeping someone, and you knew for a fact that person knew your spouse was married, what would you be your opinion of that OM/OW? Wouldn't you consider them to be scum?

[Adunaphel]

I respect that some people on here wouldn't consider sleeping with a known married person to be a deal breaker but let's flip it around. If you were married and found out your spouse had been sleeping someone, and you knew for a fact that person knew your spouse was married, what would you be your opinion of that OM/OW? Wouldn't you consider them to be scum?

 

I think that anyone would, as a first reaction.

 

If you were in such a situation (and I hope that you never will), would who pursued whom make any difference to you?

(not once you found out, but later on)

 

Also, would it make any difference if your spouse would have cheated on you anyway?

(not playing devil's attorney, I just would really like to know. I remember posting on here a few months ago asking if it made any difference whether MM would have cheated on his wife anyway. My logic was, and probably still is, rather screwed up).

[MadDog]

Well, any spouse that cheats would have cheated anyway so that's sort of irrelevant. As far as who did the pursuing, I don't think it makes much of a difference. I guess from a purely subjective standpoint, it's even trashier to actively pursue a married man or woman as opposed to being unable to say no to one. But that's also like distinguishing between someone who's a total a**h*** vs a regular a**h***--there's not much of a difference.

[Adunaphel]

Thank you once again for your time, MadDog.

 

One last thing... if someone you already know well, like your best friend or any relative that you are very bound to, slept with a married person, would you change your opinion of him/her too, and start to consider him/her scum?

Would it change radically your friendship?

 

I could have posted it in the thread-starter post, but I didn't think of it until now.

[MadDog]

Thank you once again for your time, MadDog.

 

One last thing... if someone you already know well, like your best friend or any relative that you are very bound to, slept with a married person, would you change your opinion of him/her too, and start to consider him/her scum?

Would it change radically your friendship?

 

I could have posted it in the thread-starter post, but I didn't think of it until now.

 

Yes, it would drastically change my opinion of them and make me lose respect for them. At the same time, my close friends would probably never do something like that. I'm really selective with the people I call friends. If they did that though, I'd have to conclude that I misjudged their character.

 

If that were to occur, yes it would radically change my friendship with them. I like having friends whom I can be proud of. Mistakes are fine but like I mentioned before, something like this wouldn't be a mistake as much as a revelation of character.

 

I feel I can only have these sort of standards for people I date, my friends, etc. because I know for a fact I can live by those same standards. I know no matter what, I would never sleep with a married woman. I could always find someone else who wasn't married, right?

[lovelorcet]

I have a lot of respect for people who have developed a set of principles/morals and sticks to them. But people who get involved with M-people show how little they value the idea of a committed relationship. If they had done it and truly learned something from it they might be able to convince me… but it would really take a lot…