Bothered by my fiance's past...

[Guest]

I've been with my fiance for over a year, and we have recently gotten engaged. However, in the afterglow of the engagement, for some reason I became seriously curious about her sexual past, so I asked some stupid questions, and some of the answers that I got are bothering the hell out of me now.

 

Basically, she's had a normal past. But a couple of things are driving me nuts. One, she was in a year-long relationship with a married man when she was in college. She says it was because he was older, more mature, and she just loved the fact that he was interested in her. The guy's wife eventually found out, and she says she never saw the guy again. She says she feels terribly guilty about it and has ever done the same thing again.

 

Second, and the main thing that is bothering me, is just after graduating from college, she was in a relationship that was, well, "wild." Specifically, they had lots of sex in public places. Not in front of people, but in places where they "might" have been seen. The guy was a model, and he eventually got tired of the whole thing and dumped her. But what bothers me is that I am similar to that guy (we're both from the same country), and she stayed friends with him long after he dumped her. They may still be friends, I don't know (I didn't ask for specifics like names, she just told me where he was from). I guess maybe I feel like I am just a replacement for him; that she only became interested in me because I was like that guy.

 

I love her, and this stuff isn't affecting me to the point that I am willing to call off our wedding, but it is just driving me nuts. It shouldn't be; we've done some crazy things together, and I've done wild things in the past as well. She has had an average number of partners, etc. But I can't stop thinking about it. Especially the public places thing. For some reason, I just get these mental images in my head that I can't get out, and it drives me crazy.

 

To me, it's a combination of irrational jealousy and a bruised ego. This stuff was years ago (we're both 28 now), and it had nothing to do with me. But I can't stop thinking about it.

 

It's not a trust thing; I am not worried at all about her cheating on me. She is the most honest person I know and I know she loves me and would never cheat on me. I just feel like I'm somehow "losing" to these other guys. It's stupid, it's irrational, and I know that, but that doesn't make it any better.

 

I really wish I hadn't asked her about it. But that's done now. Any advice?

 

M

[Bluto Blutarsky]

I just feel like I'm somehow "losing" to these other guys.

 

She's marrying YOU! How does that make you the "loser"?

 

Really, no person in this world doesn't have a past. Those things have to just stay there. Bottom line is, she wants to spend her future with you; no one else.

 

The fact that she chose you and you came from the same country as someone in her past just says she's attracted to that type. Not as a replacement. Some like blondes, some like nice hands, some like this, some like that.

 

Just enjoy the fact she loves you and let that stuff go.

 

And!!! DON'T EVER ASK QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT ANSWERS TO. If it's a judgement call on character, her true character comes out eventually. I'm sure, since you want to marry her, and you're convinced of her loyalty.....it should be a done deal.

[tallbrunettmom]

Let's be serious. We all have done things in our life that we have regrets about, which I'm sure she does. She was young. And she chose you. If she wanted the past she would either have stayed there or gone back by now. I know it's hard to know and forget about the wild ways andmarried guy, but try. It'll drive you crazy and ultimately drive a wedge between you two. Your getting married...yeah...be excited...and forget the past.

[Alexandra]

To me, it's a combination of irrational jealousy and a bruised ego.

 

Yes, that's just what it is. You've already established that it's irrational and not something to practically affect you, now the only thing to do is to actively catch yourself when you think about this and divert your thoughts to something else. If you manage that for long enough in a while you'll see it matters less and less. Sounds like one of those "easier said than done" things but it's doable. Just don't think of it.

[prfrogkisser]

She's marrying YOU! How does that make you the "loser"?

 

Really, no person in this world doesn't have a past. Those things have to just stay there. Bottom line is, she wants to spend her future with you; no one else.

 

The fact that she chose you and you came from the same country as someone in her past just says she's attracted to that type. Not as a replacement. Some like blondes, some like nice hands, some like this, some like that.

 

Just enjoy the fact she loves you and let that stuff go.

 

And!!! DON'T EVER ASK QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT ANSWERS TO. If it's a judgement call on character, her true character comes out eventually. I'm sure, since you want to marry her, and you're convinced of her loyalty.....it should be a done deal.

 

Think of the things that are good betweeen you and your future wife,things that are going to build you both up, dont focus on things like the past that attempt to steal your hope and happiness. These thoughts and insecurities constantly drain your spirit and just encourage doubts. You are getting married .. this should be the best decision you have both made. She loves you and wants you to be hers forever.You are starting a new life, a new chapter.. let the past go.

[Guest]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts. I agree, it's just something I have to deal with. She's been open and honest about things, and she says she regrets her past. In the end, I just have to realize that we've both got a past, and if we want to be with each other, that past is what made us what we are.

 

I've found that whenever one of those images pops into my head, I just have to think about something I myself regret about my own past, and focus on that. It's helped. Things are getting better.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

M

[JaneyGirl]

You know it's also possible that it's just a little bit of stress or anxiety around this step of getting married. Everybody feels that I think, sort of scared and excited all at once, in the best relationships there's still a bit of stress sometimes around marriage. So maybe you were sort of obsessing about her past as an outlet for that anxiety, and if it weren't this, it'd be something else you'd use to let that stress manifest itself...

 

Of course maybe I'm way off, I'm not a therapist.

 

But whether it's marriage or just bruised ego, it's just a phase, you can see it's passing already.