Lying about the past

[sweetest_decline]

This seems really odd, but has anyone ever ran into someone that would lie about having siblings?

 

My problem:

a)parents are dead

b)there is evidence saying there are two brothers

 

However, this is not a birth certifcate or anything, so I can't wave it in his face as proof. It could be total bulls***.

This evidence could mean he has half brother or two and not consider them brothers, but that's ridiculous to say you have NO siblings, no matter what the reason, even if they are dead.

 

How would you approach someone with this kind of question? I mean it's worth asking, but I don't want to seem like I was snooping.

 

How I found out: My boyfriend has a last name I had never heard of before meeting him. I had been researching my own family pedigree and figured I would see the history of his last name. At the time, it was neat just to see what records you could find and it would be cool to show him what I found about his past.

Well, yeah, now I have no idea what to do. I'm not going to show him that and say, "Hey, about your nonexistent siblings. Are you sure?" Ha! That's a great one, huh?

 

This is all really strange. It's a big red flag. It's made me evaluate our relationship. I have the tendency now to think that maybe he hides more than I thought he would. It is making me paranoid.

 

I will say something to him, but I just don't know how.

 

Any takers on this one?

[crazy_grl]

I'm confused about what this evidence of his siblings is. Is it possible he doesn't know they exist? If he does know they exist and his parents died when he was at a young age, maybe he doesn't know his siblings, and as far as he's concerned, he doesn't have any.

 

On a related note, my father was adopted and only one of his blood siblings was adopted with him. To him, he only has one sister. I never heard him talk about having any other siblings and I've never met any of them, and the only reason I know is because my mom told me.

[sweetest_decline]

Right, he could not know about them. Also, he could not have ever met them, but why would you say they don't exist just because you don't know them? It is really a snot thing to do to be like, "Oh, I don't know them, so I don't have siblings."

That, in one sense, is like saying, "I don't have any visible symptoms of HPB, so I don't have them!" Yeah, I know, different subject, but same principle.

 

What if those siblings were important one day?

 

My point is that if he does know that he has them, and he lied to me saying he didn't have any, it just seems really wierd.

 

It was his father posting something to a family history board about who he was, his sons, his house, his life, and he was obviously talking about my boyfriend because it describes him to a T.

Now, his father is dead. If he really didn't know about these siblings, he didn't know his father posted this. It's a can of worms...

 

I just want to know how to approach him about this.

[sweetest_decline]

HPV... lol Not HPB

[crazy_grl]

It is really a snot thing to do to be like, "Oh, I don't know them, so I don't have siblings." That, in one sense, is like saying, "I don't have any visible symptoms of HPB, so I don't have them!" Yeah, I know, different subject, but same principle.

 

I get what you're trying to say, but I don't think those two things are the same principle. One is lying about something that has nothing to do with the other person and may be a defense mechanism for dealing with the loss of his parents (hypothetically). The other is lying about something that may affect the other person or their possible future partners (though I think once you cure HPV you don't have it anymore, so there would be no reason to say that you had had it).

 

It was his father posting something to a family history board about who he was, his sons, his house, his life, and he was obviously talking about my boyfriend because it describes him to a T.

 

So his father who is now dead posted this? How long ago did his parents die?

 

Also, how long have you and your bf been together? If you've been together years, then I don't think it's acceptable to keep this kind of thing from you (assuming that he knows about them).

 

The only way you can know what's going on is to talk to him about it. It may be a sensitive subject though.

[blind_otter]

I have an oldest sister who died before I was born (I am much younger than my other two siblings).

 

I never mention her, because she passed away over 20 years ago, and the subject is never brought up in my family because my mother has issues about my sister's death.

 

It's not a red flag, to me. There are certain things I don't share necessarily, and if it's not that important to the functioning of your relationship, why bother?

[sweetest_decline]

Yes, of course, talk to him about it.

 

But my problem is HOW TO APPROACH.

 

I really don't want to debate the principles behind HPV and family relations because that really is just details details... it was for the humor factor. Lets not split hairs.

 

But I do think it has something to do with me when he wouldn't tell me had them if he knows he does.

 

We have been together for almost a year and thinking about it, he's said many times about how he has no siblings for various reasons. "Remember, though, I have no siblings, so it's different..." blah blah. Why he said that isn't important, but as for myself, I have a brother and I never see him, but I know he exists and I wouldn't deny that even if I didn't like him, he was the product of an affair, etc.

It seems like he really is lying for some reason or another, and if I'm right, it will be wierd knowing he couldn't trust me with the truth about the simple fact he has a brother. It's not like I'm going to invite him to dinner if my boyfriend doesn't want to acknowledge his existence in the first place.

Now, assuming his father never told him is a different story and I don't want to wreck what he might know as the truth.

 

His father has been dead for about 5 years now, by the way.

[crazy_grl]

Also, how long have you and your bf been together? If you've been together years, then I don't think it's acceptable to keep this kind of thing from you (assuming that he knows about them).

 

Oops. I reread my post and I meant that it's not "as acceptable". It think it depends on the circumstances, why he didn't tell, and what kinds of conversations you two have had about your families.

[sweetest_decline]

 

It's not a red flag, to me. There are certain things I don't share necessarily, and if it's not that important to the functioning of your relationship, why bother?

 

Yes, your sister died before you were born, but his are/were alive while he was (and still is) alive.

 

But do you not think it important to understand why he wouldn't mention it? I would like to know about something that would be emotionally damaging instead of him just making a big secret out of it.

You wouldn't find it wierd that your boyfriend/girlfriend lied about it the whole time and wouldn't tell you what bothered them over something that is SEEMINGLY so simple?

[sweetest_decline]

And otter... the fact that he may have a brother doesn't have an impact on the functionality of our relationship. The fact that he may have lied about it instead of telling me the truth about something like that, especially when we plan on having a serious long term relationship, is just a red flag---what else would he lie about if he lied about a sibling?

[blind_otter]

I wouldn't because I don't tend to share that much and my BF has to pry information from me.

 

In my family, you kept private information private. My sisters and I discovered that my Dad is illegitamate, and was married twice before he met my mother. NO one ever discusses it, we never asked him about it, out of deference to his choice to keep it private.

 

We also found out that my mother is the child of a previous marriage, but she always refers to her legal father as her father and never mentions her biological father. No one talks about that in my family, either, and my sisters and I chose not to mention this again, out of consideration for my mother. She obviously chose not to discuss this for a reason, and I am not going to pry into her private affairs.

 

So, different people value secrecy differently.

[sweetest_decline]

Otter, I guess I just value honesty.

 

And not metioning things because they are hurtful is one thing... but telling someone you love a lie and leaving the possibility of them finding out the truth would leave them wondering why they couldn't know the truth and if there are other lies.

 

You know the truth. You know why it wasn't mentioned. My problem is I may have been lied to and I have no idea why.

[crazy_grl]

Yes, of course, talk to him about it.

 

But my problem is HOW TO APPROACH.

 

My appologies. I thought what I said would lead you to how to approach it. I'd start by saying that you've been researching your family pedigree. If he knows you have, then just saying something like "You know how I've been researching... yadda... yadda... Well, I thought you might like to have that too and I wanted to surprise you with it. I ended up finding something that was pretty surprising..." Make sure you do it in a calm and unaccusing manner.

 

I really don't want to debate the principles behind HPV and family relations because that really is just details details... it was for the humor factor. Lets not split hairs.

 

I don't have any interest in debating HPV either. I just have a pet peeve about faulty analogies.

 

We have been together for almost a year and thinking about it, he's said many times about how he has no siblings for various reasons. "Remember, though, I have no siblings, so it's different..." blah blah. Why he said that isn't important, but as for myself, I have a brother and I never see him, but I know he exists and I wouldn't deny that even if I didn't like him, he was the product of an affair, etc.

 

It depends on whether he was raised with his brother or not.

 

It seems like he really is lying for some reason or another, and if I'm right, it will be wierd knowing he couldn't trust me with the truth about the simple fact he has a brother. It's not like I'm going to invite him to dinner if my boyfriend doesn't want to acknowledge his existence in the first place.

 

It may not have anything to do with you. It might be easier on him not to talk about his brother, etc. etc. Don't go into the conversation with him thinking that it's about you.

 

Now, assuming his father never told him is a different story and I don't want to wreck what he might know as the truth.

 

If I had a sibling I didn't know about, I'd want to find out.

 

His father has been dead for about 5 years now, by the way.

 

Well, 5 years isn't a long time. Unless his brother was living somewhere else, I'd say the chances of him not knowing he exists aren't that great. But it is possible.

[quankanne]

This evidence could mean he has half brother or two and not consider them brothers, but that's ridiculous to say you have NO siblings, no matter what the reason, even if they are dead.

 

just WHO constitutes family is a matter of perception. If your BF was raised knowing that his parent had other kids, but those kids were never discussed or he was never really exposed to them, it's understandable that he thinks of himself as an only child, without siblings, simply because he was not raised to think of them as relatives.

 

my husband has a half-brother who keeps in very casual contact with DH and their sisters, but I don't think Bob really considers them as family because he wasn't raised with them – it was just him and his mom, and she was his "family," even though he gets along with the three younger half-sibs. He just has a whole other way of looking at their relationship. And it could be that your BF does, too.

[sweetest_decline]

Yeah... I know it's not good going in saying, "I can't believe you would do this to me" and making it about me. But it is kind of hurtful to think that given how recent his father's death was that it's possible he lied. Just that he wouldn't tell me, the person with which he's spent nearly a year of his lfe and loves, may have lied about having a brother. It seems so stupid to me, but for whatever reason, it was justified to him.

 

I'll definitely just go with the truth (ha ha ha) about what I found, but being prepared for any potential resistance is something I have to think about.

I see your points and you're right--he may not know, but the chances are slim. It did say in the post that his brothers were getting settled into college in a completely different area than where my boyfriend went to school (hundreds of miles difference), so maybe?

 

Thanks...

 

You, too, otter. I can see your point, but I can't help but think that maybe since I'm looking to see the best way to approach this, you aren't the right person because you just DON'T talk about these things.

[blind_otter]

Otter, I guess I just value honesty.

 

And not metioning things because they are hurtful is one thing... but telling someone you love a lie and leaving the possibility of them finding out the truth would leave them wondering why they couldn't know the truth and if there are other lies.

 

You know the truth. You know why it wasn't mentioned. My problem is I may have been lied to and I have no idea why.

 

I guess my point was, why do you distrust him so much?

 

Why do you not trust that he either doesn't know, or with held the information for a reason?

[sweetest_decline]

Because of the way he mentions it, and even the other day, after I already may know differently. He just says, "I don't have any siblings." Whenever he talks about it, it's such a definite statement. I mean why tell me over and over? Does he think I forgot?

 

You make a good point.

 

I don't distrust him on the whole, just a little wierded out about this situation. Makes me wonder! It just seems obvious he would know the truth if his father died not too long after that post, saying that he had just sent his last son away to college. His father had contact and financial obligations to the other sons, so not knowing doesn't seem possible.

 

And the way the post is written, it makes it seem like they all lived together in the same house.

 

The whole situation is wierd and that's why I am not trusting him on it.

[blind_otter]

But do you know for sure the post was from his father? I've read other people's posts, 100% sure that I knew who it was from the details.

 

TO be honest, there is an equal likelihood that it was from some random person. Statistically speaking.

 

I have an idea, why don't you ask if his father was interested in geneology or posted on websites. If he wasn't, then it's more likely it was someone else. Since you are interested in genology too, this could open up a discussion. Perhaps you could get your partner to sit down in front of the computer with you, see if he will persue geneology interests as well?

[Mz. Pixie]

It could be that something happened that caused a rift and he swore them off as siblings such as in the Godfather- "You're dead to me" kinda thing.

 

My husband has a half brother- his dad's son from his previous marriage. They were raised in different states. The other son never came to visit or wanted to visit and was raised by his mom- even though his dad tried. He probably hasn't had a phone conversation with his half brother in 10 years.

He doesn't tell people he has a brother either, he says I'm an only child. Because growing up he was the only kid living there.

[Guest]

But do you know for sure the post was from his father? I've read other people's posts, 100% sure that I knew who it was from the details.

 

TO be honest, there is an equal likelihood that it was from some random person. Statistically speaking.

 

I have an idea, why don't you ask if his father was interested in geneology or posted on websites. If he wasn't, then it's more likely it was someone else. Since you are interested in genology too, this could open up a discussion. Perhaps you could get your partner to sit down in front of the computer with you, see if he will persue geneology interests as well?

 

Absolutely. He stated his name, location, and mentioned the name of one of his sons--which happened to be my boyfriend's name and that he registered under his e-mail address. That is my boyfriend's dad's name, that is my boyfriend's name, my boyfriend did use his dad's e-mail, and he even joked about the things my boyfriend does. If that isn't his dad's post, it's his family from an alternate dimension. Trust me, there is no way that isn't him! It's a small town. Statistically speaking, it really isn't likely it is someone else.

 

My boyfriend was interested in it a long time ago. He researched his family history already. He is the one who got me into it.

[sweetest_decline]

Interestingly enough, otter, he already did research on his family history.

He's the one who got me interested in researching my own.

 

The name of the father, the specific mention of my boyfriend, what he likes to do, etc, can't be taken as someone else. If it's someone else, it's my boyfriend's father from an alternate dimension. lol It's him. I know it.

[sweetest_decline]

Pixie - Interesting. See, that's what I want to know.

How did you find out all of that stuff?