Any adult daughter of BPD Mom feel like you cant grow up??

[ConfusedGal]

Hi

I am 27, married for 3 1/2 years and an attorney. I believe that my 55 year old mother is Borderline. I have always known there was something wrong with her overposessiveness and tantrums... She cannot for the life of her comprehend that I have grown up...She consistently tries to make me her 16 year old again, constantly saying how I have changed and I said all these things when I was 16 and she thought I would be her life support and she hopes my daughter punishes me the way I am punishing her etc... She throws tantrums... Last time I TRIED to stand up for myself... (She started howling on the phone when I was at work saying that I never came over and she is suffering and I am torturing her.) She "took herself" to the ER saying she was sick and then lay in a wheelchair screaming for 15 minutes straight in the ER waiting room, I WANNTT MYYY DAUUUGGHHHTERRR. WHERE HAS MY DAUGHHHTTERR GONE?? MY DAUGHTERR HAS LEFT ME!! Then my mom and dad brushed that incident aside as "minor" stress... There was nothing wrong with her. THey didnt even take her in...

 

I dont go over very often... Maybe every few weeks and that too with my husband... But every time I have tried to go home on my own, she starts crying about something saying how depressed I have made her and how I have ruined her life. And Dad joins in even saying I am responsible for her osteoporosis...All I tried to do is get a life...Last time i went over she started howling because apparently I dont HUG her enouugh...Dad joined in saying he too "noticed that." Dad echoes what mom says like a parrot...He physicially abused her early in his life and I guuess he makes up for it by supportting everything he says, regardless of how illogical it is...

 

So I have found myself with the massive inability to "feel like an adult." I am always paranoid... The ONLY place I am an adult is my job... And my husband gets SOOOO frustrated with me that I am not "wifey" at all... I cant do things right like paying bills etc... I am seeing a psychiatrist and trying the method of "ignoring" and pretending she is ill...But its SO hard with the things she says...The other day she told me "Well, I dont ask for much...I mean I dont ask for what OTHER people get from their kids... Yes, they are lucky. I am just not." I feel like my life is crumbling and I cant take it anymore...I cant take one pathetic blame after another...My brother lives all the way across the country...He is 32 and calls my mom 3 times a day and acts like a 3 year cause he knows she likes that. He comes home once a year...

 

I was counting on moving really far away...My husband, through my pushing him, got a job in a different state half way across the country. This was great except I didnt get a job there and got freaked and he turned it down..Two weeks later AFTER he turned it down I got called for 3 interviews... BUT NOW we are staying here... We have started looking for houses. And I have zero enthusiasm bcause the thought of buying a house here to me means having to deal with her forever...

 

I just CANNOT enjoy my life like a normal adult...Cause I dont feel like one!!! I cant make decisions... All I want to do is run as far as I can go...I WANTED To move!! Why the hell did I give it up?? Because I was scared of the loss of financial security..And I made the wrong choice and we gave up some financial security I would be to blame for pushing him... I thought of moving as FINALLY being able to BREATHE.... Restarting MY life... And NOW I feel sooooo trapped its not even funny..i dont know whta to do...If I tell my husband all this, he will get SO mad. He will be like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? GROW UP!! HE is already frustrated.

 

Thats the problem...I cant!!! Anyone else feel this way??

[Art_Critic]

there is an incrediable book that you might read.. it is witten by :Paul T. Mason

 

"Stop Walking on Eggshells"

 

It is for the people involved with people who have BPD

[ConfusedGal]

I know. I am reading this. And I STILL want to runnnn as far as possible!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

We've talked before and I understand where you are.

 

My mom had emphysema and was on oxygen. She and my stepfather blamed that on the stress I had caused her in her life and not the two packs of cigs she smoked a day for 25 years! It's just unbelievable crap they put you through and it's almost funny sometimes when I look back on it.

 

I disagree with the ignoring and pretending she's ill theory. I think you need to see a therapist who specializes in BPD.

 

Visit http://www.bpdcentral.com and perhaps get in a online support group there. I participated in one for three years and it was one of the best things I ever did.

 

Also look into the book "Stop walking on eggshells" it will help you learn to deal better with her.

 

There are very few people that actually make it through having a true BPD mother and talk about it. My therapist said I should write a book because most people in my position were either dead, in jail, a prostitute or a drug addict.

 

Please have your husband also sit down with a therapist that specializes in BPD and have them explain what you guys are dealing with here. It's not like any other mental illness where she can pop a pill and get better and she's damaged you. He needs to be more supportive.

 

I'm going to therapy again for issues relating to my childhood- I have PTSD- and I cannot imagine my husband not being supportive.

[ConfusedGal]

Thanks again for your support Ms. Pixie... I am seeing a psychiatrist, who says I have definitely been traumatized... I may have my husband sit with the psych later and explain both BPD as well as what I am going through... I have gone on other BPD boards and have noticed that adult children of BPD's have a similar trend... They end up being indecisive, confused, often depressed, and unable to "function" normally like grown-ups... Especially daughters who feel like they SHOULD be there for their mom and should be close... Mom complains I never come over..I am so scared of getting hurt over and over. I mean, whenever things seem ok, she suddenly has some issue and is crying and complaining about me again... Like a roller coaster...I am reading the "Walking on Eggshells" book. My psychiatrist gave it to me. I am finding myself extremely exhausted and having no goals and nothing to look forward to anymore... My husband wouldnt understand and though he hasn't said anything, he basically thinks I am creating a mountain out of a molehill and I need to "appreciate life" and "get over it." Its not that easy. I see a lot of similarity between myself and my father in law... He was so dominated by a BP brother his whole life, that now at 65, he is still unable to make decisions and is childlike... My husband just thinks he acts like a big baby.

[quankanne]

as bad as you feel because of the whole situation, you're the only one who can say 'enough.' Enough putting up with crappy behavior – even from a parent. Enough putting yourself down because of the stress related to a messy parent-child relationship. Enough of trying to second-guess what comes next.

 

I'm sorry you missed out on the opportunity to move away because it sounds like a clean break from the stress-induced like you're living now. But, that's water under the bridge, and you can only move forward.

 

your parents ARE ill, you shouldn't be forced into living out an unhealthy relationship. And it sounds like you're at a point where it's time to dole out tough love. If your mom is acting like a fractious three-year-old, it's time to treat her like one. When a small child acts up, he or she usually gets put into time-out until they can behave properly ... do the same with your mom. Employ reverse psychology. And finally, mentally separate her from you until you have the strength to deal with the situation.

 

I know it's hard being the parent when you're supposed to be the daughter, and a good, loving one at that, but you also owe yourself the opportunity to retain your sanity so that you can live your life to the best of your ability. No one has the right – even a family member – to treat you like crap or make you miserable just because they fell they can.

[Mz. Pixie]

Women are more emotional than men to start with so that's an issue to begin with.

 

Tell him to picture living with someone who constantly rages, who twists the truth around and makes you question your sanity, has no empathy or real love for you, and continually abuses you with her constant manipulation.

 

Rest assured, if you allow her to "hoover" you back in she will hurt you. Have you read about hoovering? This is where they begin to convince you through their marvelous acting that they are loving and kind and then WHAM they slap you back down with some kind of cruelty. That's a big one you have to learn to manage in dealing with the BPD.

 

I actually think that it's very very hard for someone to "get it" until they experience it. I mean, you can explain to someone how hurtful it is, but until they have experienced it first hand they cannot REALLY know. I know I had friends I had been friends with for 15 years that would never have believed my mom acted like she did until they saw it for themselves. They are such good actresses they fool people.

 

You're torn between wanting to be a good daughter and wanting to get away totally from her. What they don't get is that the harder they push, the less you want to do with them. For your own mental health and the state of your marriage you might want to talk with your therapist about cutting some ties with your mom.