In Sync Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Ok folks. I'm having a rough go here. I am trying to resist the urge to break NC. It's been 7 months, no contact with the ex at all. And yet today I feel this need to break it. Why? I don't understand. Is it closureI am seeking? Or am I just having a hell of a time facing facts..It's over. Am I hiding behind NC ..it's become a barrier of fear. Afraid to find out anything about him. How much worse can I feel. I keep wondering what happened to him. It's like he died and no one said good-bye or anything. Will this stop me from moving forward? Could he have changed? Or would I just end up with egg on my face. I don't know why today of all days I am feeling like this. Grasping at a last straw...Does this make me a loser. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 No, you are not a loser. You are human. Do me a favor (even though you don't know me) Put 48 hours between your desire for contact and contact (if you choose to go that route). This will give you time to cool down from what sounds like a very emotional desire to at least a more balanced, thought out decision. You can't decide what's best for you when you are having a rough go. You've waited 7 months, wait at least 48 hrs to figure out your motives and really think about what you might get out of contact. Thanks in advance for the favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 No, you are not a loser. You are human. Do me a favor (even though you don't know me) Put 48 hours between your desire for contact and contact (if you choose to go that route). This will give you time to cool down from what sounds like a very emotional desire to at least a more balanced, thought out decision. You can't decide what's best for you when you are having a rough go. You've waited 7 months, wait at least 48 hrs to figure out your motives and really think about what you might get out of contact. Thanks in advance for the favor. ok I can do that. I promise. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 7 months is very impressive to do NC. It must be hard all the time. I agree you should wait a couple of days and let the feeling pass. It's like what they say about cravings when you diet! Just remember we're here to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 ok I can do that. I promise. thank you. no problem. Even us adults need a "time out" every once in a while. I've employed this little strategy myself when I've thought about contacting someone who is no good for me (but that's another story). I would like to second that 7 months is very impressive. You could use this thread as a journal if that would help you work out why you want contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 no problem. Even us adults need a "time out" every once in a while. I've employed this little strategy myself when I've thought about contacting someone who is no good for me (but that's another story). I would like to second that 7 months is very impressive. You could use this thread as a journal if that would help you work out why you want contact. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be stronger and be done with it all, and then I get overwhelmed and start missing him or what I remebered. I'm so disappointed with my neediness. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be stronger and be done with it all, and then I get overwhelmed and start missing him or what I remebered. I'm so disappointed with my neediness. Well, in 3-4 months you can tell me how much better you feel at that point when I am at the point you are at. And there is nothing really wrong with needing another human being- we forget how truly social creatures we are. It doesn't make you not strong. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be stronger and be done with it all, and then I get overwhelmed and start missing him or what I remebered. I'm so disappointed with my neediness. I'm wishing you all the best on a rough day. You are very strong - 7 months strong, so don't give in to the mindgames that tell you any different. We all get overwhelmed and disappointed in ourselves. Just try not to give in to those feelings because they will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 Sometimes I wish I were like my X, he had the capacity to just cut people out of his life. No feelings whatsoever. For sure if he were to know I were still thinking about him, he's say I was crazy. What's the point of having all the feelings and being over sensitive, all it does is hurt and then you have to spend so much time fighting feeling the hurt and pain. He never cried or suffered over anyone. there's something to be said for that. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Being over emotional myself, I believe there is something to be said, as well, for honestly feeling your feelings rather than not dealing with them. If you don't feel pain, you also can't really ever experience joy or pleasure because these feelings are in balance. You have to have the lows to appreciate the highs. Just ease yourself through your lows - you'll come out stronger on the other end. Link to post Share on other sites
GB111 Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I've often thought the same thing. Why can't I just drop a bad relationship, move on, and never look back like so many people. While the correct answer probably has something to do with my childhood, I think it's helpful to consider that people who can leave a relationship so easily must never have had much invested in it emotionally. Those that suffer more really share more of themselves while they're in the relationship, and therefore suffer more when it ends. Just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
swissair Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 In Sync, 7 months in an amazing feat and nothing positive can come from contact now. I have to say it's a little bizarre to see you in this position -- you've kicked so many people's asses here (mine included!) about the virtues of NC and your words and conviction are very much respected. The way I see it, NC is the last bit of dignity I have left. It's all I can cling to. If I contact her, she wins. She gets the ego boost and I get nothing but more hurt. Don't let it happen. -T Link to post Share on other sites
panthera_leo Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Am I hiding behind NC ..it's become a barrier of fear. Afraid to find out anything about him. Its funny you say that. I haven't heard anyone say that yet. I thought i was the only one! I understand what you say about being afraid to find out about him. Its probably because our instinct tells us what they tell us may not be what we want to hear... so maybe contacting him wouldn't be the best thing right now... or so i keep telling myself Link to post Share on other sites
Numbheart Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I've often thought the same thing. Why can't I just drop a bad relationship, move on, and never look back like so many people. While the correct answer probably has something to do with my childhood, I think it's helpful to consider that people who can leave a relationship so easily must never have had much invested in it emotionally. Those that suffer more really share more of themselves while they're in the relationship, and therefore suffer more when it ends. Just a thought... I would not entirely agree with that. Some people can leave a relationship easily because they are able to focus on what really went wrong and see it, even if you are the dumpee.....if you have had enough time in a relationship, you can usually pick up on things, and even though you may not want to recognise them at the time they are happening, they will eventually show their true colours that make you face facts.....some people are more able than others to focus on these, realise why they happened and see the relationship for what it really was, good and bad.....others are not and have a tough time letting go, clinging onto all the good memories, whereas with one of the people the bad memories may out-weigh the good, with the other, the good out-weigh the bad, or indeed both may see the true problems (even if the problems were one sided), but one is not willing to face them....there can be all sorts of reasons why it hurts one more than the other, and believe me, some dumpers can feel hurt more than the dumpees, but have just had a more "realistic insight" that the relationship is on a road to nowhere and finished it although it may have hurt them more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 ....I have to say it's a little bizarre to see you in this position -- you've kicked so many people's asses here (mine included!) about the virtues of NC and your words and conviction are very much respected. I'm so tired of trying to be strong I'm tired of feeling like I was never good enough for him I'm tire of feeling this loneliness and tomorrow is my birthday and instead of feeling good I'm just reminded again that he's probabbly fine with some hottie and I've nobody to celebrate it with. And the only person who ever loved me unconditionally my mom who use to send me card with a dollar bill (she was funny like that, like I was still a kid buying candy with my dollar) is not here any more. SO I'm just done. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 It sounds to me that you need to say f**k the ex and start dating new guys.. when you get out there and start going out and meeting cool guys you will get the closure you need to finish that chapter Link to post Share on other sites
Numbheart Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Am I hiding behind NC ..it's become a barrier of fear. Afraid to find out anything about him. How much worse can I feel. I keep wondering what happened to him. It's like he died and no one said good-bye or anything. Will this stop me from moving forward? Could he have changed? Or would I just end up with egg on my face. I don't know why today of all days I am feeling like this. Grasping at a last straw...Does this make me a loser. No it certainly does not make you a loser and I agree with panthero that it is refreshing to hear that from someone here. I firmly believe that NC is not the best way to go for all people. Everyone is different, some need to heal wounds by hearing the final nail of the coffin being hammered in, even after 7 months, if thats what its going to take to get you to finally let go and truely move on....I think Caliguys last thread is a good example of that. Personally, I came here because I was struggling more than I ever have done in my life. I read many posts, understood the theory of NC and have put it into practice, do I think it is working for me?.....um....not really, because I still dont have the real answers I was looking for to be able to really move on, due to her not talking to me either by phone or face to face since the day of the split. I have always managed to obtain the answers in the past, but my circumstances are like no other I have experienced now, so I am trying NC, (NC has always been a natural progression in the past after hearing the truth or seeing what was wrong initially) but find myself feeling rather weird, I'm getting to a point of like you, being scared, hiding behind the NC and it is certainly not helping me feel better about the situation as I am still second guessing everything. However, I am getting stronger day by day and more positive, I know regardless of my feelings, that if I contact her now it will only further damage things, I have a message planned to send to her a month or two down the line, and every day I get stronger, I look at this message, re-read it and adjust it accordingly to how I am feeling....its just a way of dealing with things for me now, IF I ever send it to her, I do not know, I am waiting until at least another month and then see how I feel and how the message reads at that point. If I "FEEL" the need to send it then, I will do, I may prolong it another month, I have always been honest with her and everyone in my life (thats what swept her off her feet with me, but I know could also be pushing her further away if she has no feelings for me now), I wear my heart on my sleve and I'm not prepared to change for anyone, if it makes me look weak, then thats her problem for mis-reading it, not mine, because I know the message is not weak, it is honest , nice and blunt, not needy, so Bollocks to NC, I need to do it to get myself back, if its not responded to then it will prove much to me and give me more to focus on......I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life before this with a split, but everything is a new learing experience and I am certainly learning with this! I'd say, IF you are prepared for the worst outcome, then do what you want to do, it may well make you feel better for doing it, if you are not, then stay as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 I suppose right now Numbheart I am too much of a coward to go forward and break the NC wall. Beides I'm holding off for 2 days as I promised. FOr some strange reason I thought I'd be better..I mean much better by now. I mean I'm doing all the outside stuff activities, working like mad, and I'm learning about my past history and habits and I'm combing through the self help books...and telling myself how much I love being with me as I sit ALONE AT MOVIES!!!! but sometimes it just feels like a cover or a shield. I really wish I could just be free of thinking about him for a day. But it doesn't happen. And then I'm scared that I just may never get past this one. I'm going to always be reminded about him. It sounds to me that you need to say f**k the ex and start dating new guys.. I tried that one date and that flopped. Remember? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I tried that one date and that flopped. Remember? Keep getting on that horse .. you will stay on it sooner or later Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 you want to lose 7 months worth of hard NC work in a few seconds? are you insane? go get drunk instead Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 you want to lose 7 months worth of hard NC work in a few seconds? are you insane? go get drunk instead noooooooooo... don't do that right now. Drunken dialing and the even more accessible tipsy texting are too big of risks. I've done the tipsy texting - just took one drink for me to text someone I need to leave alone (for my own sanity). Don't do it! And enjoy your birthday. I'm sorry about your mom. You still have the memories of her cards and dollars (that's cute by the way). Hold onto that and take care of yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Breaking NC after 10 months was the best thing I did. It set me free. I almost never think about him anymore. If you think it's time to confront your past then do it and then move on. Happy Birthday sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 noooooooooo... don't do that right now. Drunken dialing and the even more accessible tipsy texting are too big of risks. I've done the tipsy texting - just took one drink for me to text someone I need to leave alone (for my own sanity). Don't do it! yeah, um....well, unlike you GRATEFUL, most of us can hold our liquor Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 yeah, um....well, unlike you GRATEFUL, most of us can hold our liquor What can I say... I am a cheap date. Saves me money. But seriously I call it "tipsy texting" not just because of the alliteration but because it comes earlier in the night of drinking. For whatever reason, texting feels like even less of a risk than calling so it doesn't take as much alcohol as drunken dialing does. But in the end any contact is not NC. In Sync just keep working on what contact will do for you. If it's just because of feeling low around your birthday perhaps now is not the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Numbheart Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 but sometimes it just feels like a cover or a shield. That may well be because it actually is NC is not the correct way to be for everyone. Search deep. Link to post Share on other sites
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