Author In Sync Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 I suppose I had my meltdown today because in trying to heal or move ahead I have been doing some deep self reflection and come to the realization..yeah..that I am angry and never got a chance to express myself to him. And that's self detructive. At the same time it's obvious I'm not emotionally over him. NC-ing him got me this far...to at least be able to stand and function and live and find my self-esteem...BUT then this suggestion via a self help book on freeing myself from my emotional bondage, I latched on to the idea about confronting the one whom I have withheld my anger and not been able to express what hurt me. (Of course not with the intention to blame or start an argument..but clarify..to simply tell him) That's when the ball got rolling in my head...the notion of breaking NC. The urge simply overwhelmed me. Only that book is just that a book. My reality was the X I knew, was not a receptive person. I want to say to him what hurt me but I also remember the kind of guy he was. Aggressive. Unsympathetic... Yet could he have changed? Maybe he's not the same, and he's softened up. People do change. I could try and contact him only I'm reluctant and that is fear again. If he's abrasive or cold. S**T! It's a risk that I don't know yet if I'm prepeared to take. It's a fork in a the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Dagny Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Well, If its a matter of expressing your feelings you never got to confront him with. Uhm are you still contactable by him or have you moved far far away? If you're not very accessible to him maybe you could just write a letter and someday post it. It might be easier than a face to face or even calling over the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 Well, If its a matter of expressing your feelings you never got to confront him with. Uhm are you still contactable by him or have you moved far far away? If you're not very accessible to him maybe you could just write a letter and someday post it. It might be easier than a face to face or even calling over the phone. I believe he has moved away. He's no longer listed at the same address. i honestly don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe its the hidden idea that if I did reach contact him might I stir up my feelings for him even more??? Is that possible. Feel more distraught than I do now? What is that fear? Rejection I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I believe he has moved away. He's no longer listed at the same address. i honestly don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe its the hidden idea that if I did reach contact him might I stir up my feelings for him even more??? Is that possible. Feel more distraught than I do now? What is that fear? Rejection I suppose. Mostly fear of rejection and hearing something you really don't want to hear. Yes it might stir up feelings as you are weak and want to talk to him. You might want to write down things then read it to yourself an hour later to see if you still have those distraught feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 Mostly fear of rejection and hearing something you really don't want to hear. Yes it might stir up feelings as you are weak and want to talk to him. You might want to write down things then read it to yourself an hour later to see if you still have those distraught feelings. Fear of rejection is almost equivlent to fear of death, I read ..so I am most certainly afraid that I might even be a non entity in his life if he didn't respond to my efforts. That alone means I still care whether he has any regard for me or not. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Fear of rejection is almost equivlent to fear of death, I read ..so I am most certainly afraid that I might even be a non entity in his life if he didn't respond to my efforts. That alone means I still care whether he has any regard for me or not. You do still care if you stil think and talk about him. I sometimes do that of everyone of my ex's including those from years ago. I know part of how you feel, being unwanted, abandoned etc... some of the best actions to do is to do it. As much as I don't believe it is at least gives some closure; even if it is negative. If that is what you want? Now I would have to say, you are giving yourself to him. That is part of caring and love, very hard to open yourself, and risk rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 You do still care if you stil think and talk about him. I sometimes do that of everyone of my ex's including those from years ago. I know part of how you feel, being unwanted, abandoned etc... some of the best actions to do is to do it. As much as I don't believe it is at least gives some closure; even if it is negative. If that is what you want? Now I would have to say, you are giving yourself to him. That is part of caring and love, very hard to open yourself, and risk rejection. I'm so disappointed with myself for being this cowardly and needy. Weak. And naturally if he rejects me..I'll be the first to say to myself "told you so." Now you've gone and boosted his ego plus he'll have the pleasure of knowing I'm still obsessing over him..so to satisfy my need I'll sacrifice my dignity. That''s what it boils down to.. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Fear of rejection is almost equivlent to fear of death, I read ..so I am most certainly afraid that I might even be a non entity in his life if he didn't respond to my efforts. That alone means I still care whether he has any regard for me or not. You know what I read? And this definitely rings true for me, as it might for you. I read that people that experience the loss of or abandonment by a parent will feel a bigger panic response when they are abandoned by or lose a love in their adulthood. They will feel as though they are actually dying. And this is because for the physical health of an infant or young child, for them to even survive, they need the love and nurture of their parent. A baby can actually die without being held by their parent. So, if we have experienced this kind of loss, rejection, or abandonment in childhood, these feelings of needing the other person's love in order to survive, will be stirred up again. The intensity of the greiving will be so much greater, and will feel exactly like we are in a physical pain so overwhelming that we could die if the love is not returned to us. This all made perfect sense for me, in that I was so confused as to why so many other feelings (which I thought were completely separate) about my parents' abandonment of me were mysteriously brought up in my mind when I went through this recent break-up with my ex. Not that this is going to solve anything for what you are going through... but for me I realized that I really need to resolve this old pain before I am ready to risk being in a relationship -- therby risking losing another love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 You know what I read? And this definitely rings true for me, as it might for you. I read that people that experience the loss of or abandonment by a parent will feel a bigger panic response when they are abandoned by or lose a love in their adulthood. They will feel as though they are actually dying. And this is because for the physical health of an infant or young child, for them to even survive, they need the love and nurture of their parent. A baby can actually die without being held by their parent. So, if we have experienced this kind of loss, rejection, or abandonment in childhood, these feelings of needing the other person's love in order to survive, will be stirred up again. The intensity of the greiving will be so much greater, and will feel exactly like we are in a physical pain so overwhelming that we could die if the love is not returned to us. This all made perfect sense for me, in that I was so confused as to why so many other feelings (which I thought were completely separate) about my parents' abandonment of me were mysteriously brought up in my mind when I went through this recent break-up with my ex. Not that this is going to solve anything for what you are going through... but for me I realized that I really need to resolve this old pain before I am ready to risk being in a relationship -- therby risking losing another love. This most definitely applies to my situation. My dad abandoned us when I was a toddler and my mom, who's been the rock of my life, passed away 7 months ago..it didn't help matters I suppose the the X upon hearing this when I told him disappeared without nary a word the following week...At that point I could not bring myself to inquire why why why anymore...I was in too much pain grieving over her loss. But I never understood how he could just do that during that period without thinking it was one stone on my back of all times. So Jen_JenH, it all makes perfect sense... Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 10, 2006 Author Share Posted May 10, 2006 no problem. Even us adults need a "time out" every once in a while. I've employed this little strategy myself when I've thought about contacting someone who is no good for me (but that's another story). I would like to second that 7 months is very impressive. You could use this thread as a journal if that would help you work out why you want contact. I didn't call him. So that's about 20 more hours to go! Feelin better though. Sometimes it's like a mad fever overtakes me and I think I have to settle this and somehow get an answer. Right now. But what answer? I haven't even thought about what I would say without it coming off ridiculously...I'm going to go out and buy myself a cool birthday present. Yes. Glad I didn't do it... Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Happy Birthday! :bunny: :bunny: Wishing you the best in whatever you decide to do! Link to post Share on other sites
sick of it Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Happy Birthday IS!!!! listen youve given some tough love in the past to all of us...(me especially in one thread). Go reread it and try to apply it. Youll be fine...we all go through the moments!!! Happy birthday! Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Happy Birthday In Sync Sometimes, when we are feeling at our lowest, we can be fooled into thinking that an ex can offer the same comfort as they once did, by a selective bias that only allows us to remember the love and comfort we once had from that same person. someone once said here that breaking up is like not being able to go home. you are feeling vulnerable and lonely, i can sense that, and in need of comfort. your ex is not the right person to turn to now for the comfort and protection you seek. it would be the ultimate validation, as someone who has rejected you in the past. to now be accepted by that person, would mean more than simply comfort from a friend right now. but it's up to you whether you wish to lay your heart on the line for him. make sure you are clear as to what you want from him and from the contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Wanting to break NC is normal, but I think sometimes the feeling is more intensified when women are PMSing. Not sure when you're cycle is, but see if that has something to do with it. Once a month I keep getting really emotional and I have to remind myself that it's just my hormones gone whack. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Wanting to break NC is normal, but I think sometimes the feeling is more intensified when women are PMSing. Not sure when you're cycle is, but see if that has something to do with it. Once a month I keep getting really emotional and I have to remind myself that it's just my hormones gone whack. So very true! I really think male pheremones reduce PMS, so at certain times of the month we crave them! Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 I'm so disappointed with myself for being this cowardly and needy. Weak. And naturally if he rejects me..I'll be the first to say to myself "told you so." Now you've gone and boosted his ego plus he'll have the pleasure of knowing I'm still obsessing over him..so to satisfy my need I'll sacrifice my dignity. That''s what it boils down to.. Especially when he moved to another location... very hard to cope and move on. Have you been using your punching bag? Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 11, 2006 Author Share Posted May 11, 2006 I came home and found all thes beautiful birthday greetings from you ALL and now I'm crying....Thank You for caring!...It means so much to me. I don't feel alone now...and KittenMoon, I went out and bought myself a pretty nice ring! And had a watermelon margahrita!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 You're never alone, In Sync. You have lots of friends here....scattered all over the place! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Enjoy your ring. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Didn't know it was your birthday! Happy Birthday! Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 I came home and found all thes beautiful birthday greetings from you ALL and now I'm crying....Thank You for caring!...It means so much to me. I don't feel alone now...and KittenMoon, I went out and bought myself a pretty nice ring! And had a watermelon margahrita!!!!! That's the spirit! I love being a girl because even when I'm miserable shopping makes me feel better. Think of this birthday as a new beginning- it's your birthday afterall- better things are ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
mysticflea Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 7 months, I wish I were as strong as you are, maybe one day i will be, I go NC about two times a day and fail each time...lol Its only been 3 weeks or so but We have kids and that makes it difficult, I mean even if i just want to talk o tthe kids I have to have her answer the phone. Just stay away from those damn Disney movies, life just isnt that way!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 11, 2006 Author Share Posted May 11, 2006 7 months, I wish I were as strong as you are, maybe one day i will be, I go NC about two times a day and fail each time...lol Its only been 3 weeks or so but We have kids and that makes it difficult, I mean even if i just want to talk o tthe kids I have to have her answer the phone. Just stay away from those damn Disney movies, life just isnt that way!!!! This has been one of the most invaluable lessons I had of all since joining LS. I've gone through it all. The breakup, the staying in contact (and being distraught), finally getting it through my thick head (doing stone cold NC) and endless debateing about the value of it..then this period..questioning it. Two things were in my favor (he lives completely out of my vicinity and we share no same friends or hangout spots) so I undertsand how your circumstance is not so easy to maintain NC (you have kids, but then that's plus for you because no matter what they make it worth it) Whereas ALL I have is memories of someone whom I don't even know logically why I would want to resume contact. Those faulty iamges keep me held up. It's just my head playing tricks on my hear. That said...this community of LS has been my anchor throughout it all. I realized yesterday wow, can you imagine what a mess I would have been had I not discovered this thing. Uh BIG MESS. Sure I could tire out friends or family, I could go to a therapist, but knowing I could come here when I feel under pressure is a additional blessing. So, even though you feel you can't fully do NC..come here and vent. Link to post Share on other sites
UT_longhorn Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 mom, who's been the rock of my life, passed away 7 months ago..it didn't help matters I suppose the the X upon hearing this when I told him disappeared without nary a word the following week. Insync...what a cold hearted man he was. I've heard stories about these types of people. I can't believe someone can do that to someone. even if my enemy told me that his/her mother died and was in need of sympathy i would bestow it on them. i hope youre doing better as of late. that man doesn't deserve your love and i hope you know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted May 12, 2006 Author Share Posted May 12, 2006 Insync...what a cold hearted man he was. I've heard stories about these types of people. I can't believe someone can do that to someone. even if my enemy told me that his/her mother died and was in need of sympathy i would bestow it on them. i hope youre doing better as of late. that man doesn't deserve your love and i hope you know that. I know it, I do, I swear I do...I just honestly have been lving with a form of deep rooted denial. What I mean is, no matter how you cut it, his timing to just drop out around that time is actually the meanest thing I have ever encounter by any human. But at the same time I could't believe that anyone could do that without provocation. Like what would make him so cruel. I simply never would have imagined anyone to do something like that. And as I've never gotten over this last dig from him I am sitting on anger. BUT I know I gotta let that go. I gotta let go of the concept that I'll be able to ask him why did do that when he knew I was at my weakest hour. I simply have to come to terms that some people even the ones we love can be that insensitive. Somehow someway if I have to pray this away everyday and take a bubble bath everynight ...I cannot carry this burden with me. Bit by bit I'm pampering myself... Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 My ex dumped me over the phone while I was sick with pneumonia and just days after being positively diagnosed with RA. I swear, there must be a club for these creeps where they teach them how to be the biggess a-holes ever. Link to post Share on other sites
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