and Devastated

[Lindzamay]

hi there;

 

My husband took 2.5 weeks of space and came back to tell me that our marriage was over and he wants to do a one year legal seperation and a divorce after that. No chances of reconciling - he was very cold about it...he said "our marriage is over, our relationship as we know it is over, our intimate relationship is over' - omg It makes me have an anxiety attack just thinking of it - which i cant stop!

Anyways since he has done this, and opened the lines of communication he started calling me two, three times a day - i stopped answering his calls - cuz he had ME waiting for HIM and it sucked so i just thought he can wait!

I realized I couldnt ignore him forever, since he wanted me to sign a legal seperation - so I called him back Thursday - and I was nice and happy, he asked me legal questions - i was agreeable and nice - and then we agreed we would meet up Thurs night to discuss everything.

 

Thursday, Friday, SAturday - NO PHONE CALLS or Emails from him - all the sudden as soon as i say OK - he avoids me.

 

He then calls me Sunday morning with the excuse that he missed my call at 1:30am - I didnt even call him - it was a lie!

 

So he says "call me when you'll be home so I can bring you your mail"

I didnt even want to do that - because really I am not ready for these legal papers...but since i need the mail - I text him I will be home - he texts back straight away "COOL"

 

2 hours later, he is calling - 30 seconds later, he is ringing my bell -

he comes in sits down - brings me my mail - and stays for 2 hours of chatter and laughs and jokes with Me - the whole time, smiling at me while i am my own animated self.

 

When he got up to leave, he asks me for a hug - and he pulls me into his arms as close as possible for a long time, as he loosens his grip, he looks down and grins at me the way he always did. Then he slowly backs out my door, looking at me and smiling and says "i'll talk to you later"

 

I am confused - he did not even bring up the seperation papers...Now i havent heard from him since Sunday but again - I am not going to contact him.

 

Does it sound like he is confused? or coming around? What should I do?

[Alexandra]

You said this perviously about him in another post of yours...

 

His friends and family call me HOUDINI because this guy has steered clear from even having a GF for 7 YEARS because he is so anti-comitment.

We ended up getting married in january - rings, diamonds, weddings, the whole thing - we cant imagine living any other kind of life.

Since we got married, after about a month - he came to me out of the blue and told me that he felt himself pulling away and was concerned because he loves me and doesnt want to but that marriage had put alot of stress on our relationship that he wasnt ready for and he needed to slow down...We did slow down - at least in the being married thing but always just as close.

 

(An interesting but rather unconnected point in that is that you refer to actions/facts using "me" and "he" whereas you refer to things thought using "we" which may well suggest there's a discrepancy between what happens and what you think both of you feel and rationalize.)

 

From your other posts and this one I would advice against you getting your hopes too high up. Your man, your husband, may very well return once you cut him lose if he's that chocked by the "married" label but him being with you doesn't solve his deep seated emotional issues hence you can take any of the following routes:

 

You either see what his problems are, take him back -if he will return- and try and help him fix them (making him understand they exist then therapy, support, the whole 9 yards); or

 

You see what his issues are and decide you can't handle the emotional roller coaster those will inevitably always bring before they get out of the way, hence save yourself the trouble and make a clean -if painful- break;or

 

You see what they are but are convinced he is and will continue to be unwilling to work on them (e.g get professional help) case in which it would be masochistic of you to hope "love will conquer all"; or

 

You don't see that those issues exist in him, take him back periodically and suffer.

 

In short you may want to focus less on trying to predict his actions and more on what you want to do, what is really happening and what actions you want to take yourself.

 

Let us know....

[Lindzamay]

You either see what his problems are, take him back -if he will return- and try and help him fix them (making him understand they exist then therapy, support, the whole 9 yards); or

 

This is my option - I understand he has issues - when we got together he was open about having issues actually, and verbalized that he didnt feel those things with me, until we got married - then these issues came out in him...the thing is - never has he fallen in love and then had the issues - the issues just kept him clear of relationships in general. At first when we met, he made an effort to tell me we could only be friends - and then he couldnt stay away and kept coming back and now here we are.

 

I know its his issues that are keeping him away right now, and so I am steering clear of him and letting him come to terms with his feelings without pressure from me.

 

I have no doubt that he is the one for me - I miss him so much it hurts deeply and i love him for his issues too to be honest, and want to work on them with him - if of course, he will even get near enough to try:(

 

I let him down in a way i feel because when he was having these issues, I didnt handle it properly and he ended up feeling his only choice was to be alone and not have me in limbo as he said.

 

I am committed to working with him on anything - but I feel powerless because I know I cannot do anything except leave him alone! lol