Lost Somewhere

[Guest]

My ex and I have known each other since we were kids. We had a very intense relationship 2 years ago which ended after 4 months. I was approaching big changes in my life and he thought I would leave, though didn't say so...he told me he was "setting me free". We had no contact during the 5 months we were apart. He tried to call me, but I didn't pick up or return his calls. I called him eventually, because I missed him...esp. missed talking to him. I told him I missed him and we got back together. It was even better than before. We were inseparable until about 2 months ago.

 

In the beginning, we had discussed baggage. He insisted there was no one in his past he could ever have feelings for again. I had someone I love, whom I'm still friends w/, but that is all it will ever be. I was very honest about that.

 

I have dealt w/ my issues regarding wall, intimacy, feelings, etc.. I fell completely in love with him. Yet I am very independent, as he is. We both agreed we didn't need/want to live together. We both are in the process of building our lives and need/want to focus on that.

 

I reached the point where my house sold very quickly and I had to decide where to go, etc., and he was living w/ me at the time. We had never even discussed it, it just happened. He was dealing w/ a lot of issues and I did my best to help him and deal w/ my life as well. He was not a fun guy to live w/ during his crisis. While I know I helped him and didn't do anything to hurt him or even get angry, I was not the me he was used to. And, looking back, I'm sure that is what he needed. The happy me. Not the stressed out but maintaining me...who never smiles. And I got way to caught up in his problems.

 

I ended up moving to the state he was from and he came right along w/ me. Along w/ his problems. I was completely unable to focus on anything, just trying to deal w/ him. Eventually I told him I wanted to go back to the way we used to be...our own places and seeing each other on weekends and when we could so I could get my life back on track. He agreed, but became more distant. And stayed. He would be gone a few days a week for work out of state. He didn't call as much when he was gone now. I asked him if there was someone else and he insisted that there wasn't. I told him if it ever got to the point where he might want be w/ someone else, he should just tell me. He said he would. He then told me he expected the same from me, and that he'd want to know before the first date.

 

I started getting depressed...I still couldn't focus on my goals/needs, he was still there, and not in the sense he used to be. I decided to go away for a week. He stayed at my house. When I got back, he decided to do the same thing. He didn't call nearly as much and pretty much stopped calling at night all together. I figured something was up. Finally, he didn't return my calls at all on the day he was supposed to come back. I had a hunch and got the # to one of his exes. I called and he was there. I couldn't believe it. He was always telling me how he never understood how anyone could do that to another person and complaining about people who do that.

 

He tried calling me the all the next day and when I finally answered, he insisted nothing was going on. I told him it didn't matter, it was all the same to me...telling me he was somewhere else, not answering my calls, It was over when I made the call.

 

He tried calling and came to the door throughout the week. I just ignored him. He was back at her house that weekend. He tried calling during the following week and when I did answer he was still insisting there was nothing going on, she's going through a divorce and that he wasn't staying there. I told him I hoped they could work things out. He came by to drop some things off and left a note telling me to call him if I wanted. I didn't.

 

I know for a fact that he is at her house 5/7, if not more, nights a week. I've been told that she is the love of his life, by many. That's kind of funny, because I was always amazed he'd be w/ someone like her...she's way below him...way below him in looks, lifestyle, and a brain. And he is incredibly intelligent---thrives on good conversation and knowledge, and oftentimes quite superficial.

 

I have gone on and done all that I should...got a job, transferred my degree program, settled into the new place, new friends, going out, dated a few times, even sold my first poem! I 've also been miserable, angry, hurt, lonely and sad. I've really only focus on the bad things that happened w/ us. I have tons of people who remind me constantly. I've definitely talked the situation to death, but my friends put up w/ me anyways.

 

Last week I just broke down. I even took the day off from work and just stayed in bed crying, and praying, and talking to him even though he wasn't there. Through it all I love this guy w/ every ounce of my being, completely unconditionally. I don't think there will ever be anyone else, but I don't say that out loud!

 

When I finally got up I saw that he had called 3 times and left a message. He had said he needed my mailing address to send me money he owes me. I called him back and gave him the address. We ended up talking for an hour. He asked all about me...I told him how great it all was. He told me how his life sucked. I asked him if he was living out of state now, and he insisted he was still in the area. He asked if he should just leave my things outside the door, I told him to do what he wants. He seemed puzzled by this. He didn't ask me if I was seeing anyone, but I'm sure he thinks I am, and he was definitely fishing for info. He didn't get any. If he had asked, I would have told him. After a while I asked how things were going w/ her. He told me not to even go there. I asked why? He would only say just don't. We talked some more and he again asked if he could call my home #. I told him he could. I then said goodbye. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I know he was back at her house the next day. I know, though he doesn't know this, that he had his address changed to reflect his current living arrangement-something he never did w/ me. He saw my sister at the mall while he was w/ her and went out of his way to say hi.

 

Why can't he just be honest w/ me????? He knows I'm completely aware of the situation. I mean, I even called him at her house!

 

I would really like to open the door again, if he's interested, but I don't know how. We're in the midst of no contact. He will never come to me. He will never just come to me and apologize. If I open the door to that conversation, then, if he is interested, he will. But he will never do it on his own. I know him very well. If he's not interested, that's okay too. I really do just want him to be happy. But I know how awful it was last time we split, and this time is sooooooo much worse. I can't go through life wondering what if. I just can't. Yes, in time, he will, but it won't be for a very long time...years...believe me. I have no expectations. I just want him to know that the door is open if he's interested.

 

He won't call me for at least a month at this point. Don't ask how I know...I just know. Do I wait? What do I say when/if he does call? Should I call him?