I give up, I apparently have nothing to offer the opposite sex.

[Super89Rex]

I am in a very depressed state right now so don't think the following few paragraphs are how I usually am (I hide it well and put on a good show like nothings bothering me)

 

It will soon be a year since my ex girlfriend and I had broken up; to put a long story straight, went out for over 2 years, loved her, she cheated on me and is now dating a pothad highschool dropout.. Anyways... I have talked to many women since then with no success, I haven't had a girlfriend or anything really intimate for almost a year and I am throwing in the towel..

 

It's as if since I am not 6'0, blonde hair and blue eyes I cant get any of the women I want to truly want me back, I feel as if I have nothing to offer and thus have lost my zest for life... I have a lot going for me profesionally, I have my bachelors degree, work fulltime for a respectable software company as well as am part owner of my own software firm.

 

I go out regularely with friends, try to meet women off of dating sites; but I have hit a point where I honestly cannot ever see anything ever happening again, it's as if the best for me has already come and gone. I see my friends meeting women and having some sort of flings or small relationships at least, and I cannot see why I cant do the same. They say women want men who are motivated, succesful and have confidence. I try to portray these images and I think I do alright; but the attraction never happens for them, its always a one sided attraction or I am always putting more effort into it then they are.. It has gotten so bad to the point where I wont even try anymore, I will just not pursue anything because deep down I know nothing will happen and I am right 100% of the time, theres no room for marginal error... I will see a beautiful woman, but I already know that EVERY single one will not be interested.

 

I have been trying to meet all kinds of women ranging from 19 to 28, with the same results from both ends of the spectrum.. Have I lost faith? I think maybe I have completely in the opposite sex, I just want to meet someone who I can get to know and have something special with, and someone who wants to get to know me on a more personal level; but obviously I am not good enough for them to want that..

 

It's not that I am bad looking, I think I am decent; I work out regularely (I have good muscle tone and am a good weight), dress well and clean and have good hygene. I may just be wrong, maybe I am unattractive or lack any sort of appealing features..

 

So, my question is: Why is it so hard for women to want me? Do I have to bombard myself with a million women so I can increase my chances, is it that bad that I have about 1 million to one odds? I'm not even talking about FALLING in love, im talking about just a crush, a few dates or becoming a little bit intimate with someone.

 

Anyways, I hope some of you have some valuable feedback; because right now I feel as if I wish I could just shut off my desires and never want to have anyone ever and be just fine with it; instead I feel like a prisoner doomed behind my own walls of desire, destined to be alone forever...

[Noos]

I'm having the same problem. I can't attract any of the guys I want and the serious attraction I had was 8 years ago. How is it that some people can attract the people that they are attracted to but others can't attract anyone - sometimes not even people that they don't want?

[gfto]

SuperRex,

 

I used to feel exactly the same way. About four years ago, I could've written exactly what you just wrote. I thought that meeting women was just beyond me, and I had all but given up. What I eventually realized was that I severely lacked confidence. I reconnected with an old high school buddy who is now in Chicago, and who dates tons of women left and right. I would observe him as we were out on the town, and it struck me that he just had absolutely no fear of walking up to a group of women and starting a conversation. I gradually overcame my shyness and realized that there's no better ice breaker than to simply approach a lady and say, "how's it goin?" If she digs you, the conversation will flow. Now, I've been in a great relationship for almost a year now. Always focus on humor. Be well-groomed, well-dressed, and stand up straight. Smile.

 

I guess it's kind of difficult to explain the transformation, because to some degree, it just kind of happens. It is a numbers game. You have to go in with the attitude that you're a good catch, and if she doesn't like you, no big deal. Move on to the next girl. This will turn around for you, but it takes time and hard work.

[johan]

Super89Rex,

 

Come on, man. You're doing the right things. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Just because things haven't worked out so far, doesn't mean you have nothing to offer. Just be patient, and do your thing and quit worrying about it so much. Don't screw up your state of mind by going to the extreme, thinking that you should give up and nothing good will ever happen ever again. That's bunk, and you know it.

 

What is your goal? To meet the right girl and live happily ever after, holding hands and running and jumping through fields of wildflowers? Well what is that worth to you? Are you willing to get rejected a few times in order to be with her? How many times? Are you willing to go through 100 wrong girls to find the right one? I think it's worth it. That's the way to look at it. You have to pay your dues. Just remember what is on the other side. It's guaranteed you'll get that if you keep going.

[Sand&Water]

When I read the first part of your post, I thought to myself - 'okay, one more person venting and trying to figure things out... at least I'm not the only one'. Your post says a lot about who you are. I recommend you reread what you wrote.

 

I've been going through the same thing, well sort of. I've been running in circles in my mind for the last few weeks trying to figure out "Why I get the short end of the stick". There is no clear cut answer anyone can provide you. You may want to think about the following:

 

(1) Think about your intent when you first approach a woman and strike up conversation.

(2) Do you express your feelings in an open manner? or Do you bottle most things up?

(3) I strongly emphasize you work on your Confidence. Confidence brings out the best in a person. Also keep in mind, the values, morals, experience, and qualities you being forth to the table.

 

Hope this helps.

[TheSwordfish]

Its not about looks, I am 6 feet 55 tall, I have blue eyes, a bright smile and am quite well trained. (Not blonde) But I still have a hard time finding girls for a long term relationship. It's all up to you to make it work, and sometimes you mess up, but when you can find the mistakes you've made you'll learn for the next time.

[Guitar Wizard]

Hey! There is nothing wrong with pothead highschool dropouts. I mean, without them, who would serve us our burgers and frys? Am I right?

 

Anyway...

 

Well, perhaps you just have a lack of experiance... And internet sites? No no no my friend, you need to get some guy friends and go to the singles bar! Get one of your guy friends to be your wingman and take the fat chick home. Err, not that there is anything wrong with fat chicks. Uhh, anyway....

 

Blonde hair, blue eyes? I have neather, my hair is very dark brown with same eyes and olive skin. And apparently, im "Attractive". You have to work at it though. Keep yourself well groomed, make sure you have a nice haircut, switch to contacts if you wear glasses, and make sure you hit the gym so you can have a attractive figure. You can't just hope to attract females if you have nothing to offer.

 

Confidence is a nice thing to have when you approach a girl. Try to listen more then talk, try to make her laugh if possible. Girls love a guy with a nice sense of humor. Don't mention anything about your software company unless she directly asks you your line of business. And when you tell her, don't be all like

 

"I have a bachlors degree in super-powered-computer-AI-understanding with a masters in cybernetic-optomatic-power-driver-thingys. And I am a chairman of this software company and I have POWERS!!!"

 

You have to be Casual, don't dwell too much on any subject about you, try to learn more about her and throw out complements here and there. You have plenty of time for her to get to know you later, if there is a later. Just try to charm her a bit, if she asks you what you do say "Oh, I work in software, you know, computers and such, say, did anyone ever tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes? No? Really? Well, you do."

 

So anyway, be casual, work out, get buff, hit the bars, and charm the pants off some girl, and that'll clear your depression right up!

 

Good luck man!

[Yamaha]

Do you look for women that give you that " I find you attractive" look? You increase your odds of finding mutual attraction by focusing on women who check you out and then deciding if you are also attracted. There is such a thing as going after your same standard and it usually works out better in the long run if you date within your standard.

[TheSwordfish]

When a girl asks me about my job, I always tell her I'm a gangsta rapper (I'm actually a teacher ). Used to joke that I showed off underwear on catwalks, but girls beleived it, so the joke wasn't funny......

[tallbrunettmom]

Don't give up. Young women nowadays tend to look for the "bad boys". When we're young we don't want the steadfast and motivated, we equate it with boring. The older we get we figure out its the good guy we want but at that point all you mature men are still looking at the 19-25. When I was in the dating world..I always had those meathead, pothead and all the other losers(no offense to anyone of the above) coming up to me with their "liquid" balls, instead of those good guys. I never understood it. I'm 5'9, thin, long brunett hair and my friends say a "body to die for". All the jerks I met were ones who were stupid enough to think they had a chance with me and I was really insecure. I wish some nice, dependable and resposible guy had approached me. My husband got me because I had little self respect and insecurities up the ying yang. Don't get like this or you'll end up in an unhealthy relationship. My advice look for that pretty, more your age(which I assume is high 20's) at bars, online(I've met some great guys on there), or even at the grocery store(I know cliche). She'll appreciate you having the confidence to talk to her. Don't be scared either all good looking girls aren't bitches.

[Sand&Water]

When a girl asks me about my job, I always tell her I'm a gangsta rapper (I'm actually a teacher ). Used to joke that I showed off underwear on catwalks, but girls beleived it, so the joke wasn't funny......

 

and how does your statement relate to the OP's concern?

 

I must say though, that's one cheesey line/joke.

[Natalina]

Hi Super89Rex !

 

My advice, from a womans point of view is-

 

1. Depressed people can be quite unattractive. Although you want to be honest when you meet people, I would avoid discussing this or your previous problems finding women. You don't want them to wonder why you weren't good enough for other women, or to think of you as someone else's leftovers. Could it be your baggage that is the turn off? Women will be thinking "what would this person bring to a relationship", and you want to make sure she isn't thinking that you will bring negativity.

 

 

Secondly, don't be afraid to ask for feedback from women when it doesn't work out. I usually don't tell men in detail the truth about why I have chosen to break up with them, because they don't ask. However, if they said to me that they really want to know where they went wrong, and they emphasised not to get back with me but to help them not make the same mistakes in future relationships, I would tell them. For example, one guy I dated took a few coins of my desk one day and said "I'm borrowing some money to get the train home". A rather trivial thing to do, but I didn't like the way he did that and found it insightful into his personality, and his housemate told me that he had taken money that she had left in a jar on there coffee table. I never told the guy why I broke up with him, but had he geninely asked I would have told him, and perhaps saved him from making the same mistake. Perhaps there is something as simple as that that you are doing that repells people? If she has already broken up with you, there is nothing to lose in begging for feedback.

 

In regards to looks, if you are unattrative be grateful that you are a man an not a woman. The stats show that (after vital things such as personality and sense of humour), looks are more important to men, but finances are more important to women (ie. they want someone that can suppor them and there offspring). Trust me, out of my males friends the guy who has the most women is actually dog ugly. But he is funny and shows a genuine interest in people. On the other hand, my most attractive male friends have not been so lucky, and mostly it is because they lack confidence and social skills.

 

I hope this helps!

[Natalina]

Hi Super89Rex !

 

My advice, from a womans point of view is-

 

1. Depressed people can be quite unattractive. Although you want to be honest when you meet people, I would avoid discussing this or your previous problems finding women. You don't want them to wonder why you weren't good enough for other women, or to think of you as someone else's leftovers. Could it be your baggage that is the turn off? Women will be thinking "what would this person bring to a relationship", and you want to make sure she isn't thinking that you will bring negativity.

 

 

Secondly, don't be afraid to ask for feedback from women when it doesn't work out. I usually don't tell men in detail the truth about why I have chosen to break up with them, because they don't ask. However, if they said to me that they really want to know where they went wrong, and they emphasised not to get back with me but to help them not make the same mistakes in future relationships, I would tell them. For example, one guy I dated took a few coins of my desk one day and said "I'm borrowing some money to get the train home". A rather trivial thing to do, but I didn't like the way he did that and found it insightful into his personality, and his housemate told me that he had taken money that she had left in a jar on there coffee table. I never told the guy why I broke up with him, but had he geninely asked I would have told him, and perhaps saved him from making the same mistake. Perhaps there is something as simple as that that you are doing that repells people? If she has already broken up with you, there is nothing to lose in begging for feedback.

 

In regards to looks, if you are unattrative be grateful that you are a man an not a woman. The stats show that (after vital things such as personality and sense of humour), looks are more important to men, but finances are more important to women (ie. they want someone that can suppor them and there offspring). Trust me, out of my males friends the guy who has the most women is actually dog ugly. But he is funny and shows a genuine interest in people. On the other hand, my most attractive male friends have not been so lucky, and mostly it is because they lack confidence and social skills.

 

I hope this helps!

[scobro]

Well I am very muscular body builderish with brown hair and blue eyes and considered to have "pretty boy" looks by women and I still get rejected and dumped and I can't seem to find the right woman either.We are all in the same boat bro it will happen to you one day just like me I just got dumped by a woman I thought was totally into me but she said we were too serious too fast so obviously she wasn't that into me...oh well it hurts for a while ego is bruised and you jump back in the game.So buckle up little camper the ride is half the fun.

[Tim'sAngel]

Well to offer a lil ray of hope, I was feeling that way after I had my son... actually, I had been feeling that way for a year or so before that. It wasn't until I totally gave up and stopped looking for "the one" before I found him. Now I am in a happy healthy relationship. But yea, it took a long time of depressiona and focusing on other things before I found what I was looking for. So I don't want to tell you to give up, but maybe thats a good thing. Um... that didn't sounds right. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes we gotta stop focusing on one thing before we can get it.

 

To be honest, I was never attracted to blonde hair blue eyed men. (not to offend anyone that is) And there is something you men aint gettin. With women, it is not always all about the looks. I mean yea... attraction is the first thing that draws us to a man generally speaking, but I've known some pretty hott guys that were complete airheads. In fact, one of the hottest guys I've ever been with was omg the dumbest prick I've ever met. (or one of them at least) And some of the most wonderful men I've gone out with didn't necessarily pop out of an abercrombie catalogue. It's when they open there mouth that the truth comes out, and we decide wether or not we like them. We are attracted to things like sense of humor, confidence, and respectfulness. Also, as for me, not speaking for any other women, when I'm out somewhere and I see a guy that just looks like he's looking for someone, then I am immediantly unnatracted to him. I used to tend to go for the guys that didn't look interested. I dunno why, I guess for the challenge. Remember, you men arn't the only ones that like a good challenge

[Pantero]

Okay...

 

You won't get anywhere with this attitude. There's nothing wrong with you. Don't despair...it happens. Give it time and don't try too hard. Like one of the other posters already said: she found her man and she wasn't even LOOKING or TRYING. These things have a way of happening when you're HAPPILY single. Depressed people suck the life out of everything around them. I'm not speaking about clinically depressed, I'm speaking to the guys who always get antsy and dramatize how much things suck because they don't have a g/f.

 

You remind me of a guy I knew in college...lol. After awhile, we all just laughed at him. It got ridiculous. I don't mean to be this blunt, but c'mon, dude...don't ever sell yourself short.

 

The point is: ATTITUDE goes a long way. A bad one will get you nowhere. A good one will get you results, and results will further motivate you. It's so godd-mn ironic. In order to find that special someone, you've gotta have yourself in order and together. Look within to fulfill yourself, not without.

 

And it'll all fall into place. UP AND AT 'EM!

[Whitt]

You do have plenty to offer the oposite sex!

 

First: You need to start by building your confidence. I highly recommend the book "Self Esteem" by: Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning. It helps you take a good look at yourself and focus on your positive qualities. Order it at Amazon.

 

Second: Start volunteering. I started doing this to meet new people. There are about 30 single 20-something women and very, very few 20 to 30-something men. It's a great place to pick up a chick. (I am a chick - trust me!)

 

Hang in there. I was single for a long time (9 months) after breaking up with a guy a while back. I thought I would never find anyone - I couldn't even get a date. It eventually happened and that guy was one of the greatest loves of my life.

[Lucky4U]

Your posting brought to mind a recent train ride from Ct to NYC. A really good looking guy (with a studly mans name even) sat next to me. I was busy on my laptop and didn't pay much attention. But he was insistent in talking to me, so I thought, okay... I have no interest but I do have girlfriends in case he pans out to be something. Well, after giving me a brief introduction and bio, this man with a studly name, went right into his life story about his recent breakup (over a year) and went into almost graphic detail about their dysfunctional relationship. I was amazed and even more since I know my jaw had dropped, yet he didn't pick up on it.

He then proceeds to inform me how difficult it has been to meet women, and no matter where he goes, he seems to strike out. But, would I like to go out for dinner sometime?

This story, which I've chosen to tell, is not to imply that your behavior is such. Its just a reference point on a man, that had the looks, the (studly) name, and the great job. What a train ride it COULD of been (in fantasy) if he only kept his mouth shut.

 

For you and every other man (and woman) I recommend a great book that you will thank me for. Author: Dale Carnegie Title: How to win friends and influence people.

Its a great book, simple practices... caring about people.

[Noos]

For you and every other man (and woman) I recommend a great book that you will thank me for. Author: Dale Carnegie Title: How to win friends and influence people.

Its a great book, simple practices... caring about people.

 

Um, Dale Carnegie committed suicide in the end, didn't he?

[Lucky4U]

NO, Dale Carnegie did NOT commit suicide. He died of Hodgkins disease in 1955.

The point to my recommending his book, it really demonstrates simple lessons on how to be a better human being. In order to meet people you have to have an interest in them. To have a relationship, you have to care about the other person; its a CONTINUOUS process. His book illustrates how to be effective at both; in return creating more confidence in yourself.

Sometimes, we stray off the "self confident" road. Sometimes, we are not aware of how we are presenting ourselves to others or maybe our expectations are greater than what we really need to be happy. Sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves, we get caught up in a revolving door mode. Learning new ideas by reading certainly isn't easy, especially when we've been beating ourselves up. I was recommended this book long ago, I'm now re-reading it.

[ElectricityCity]

You gotta look at it this way. Think of all the beautiful celebrities and all their relationship problems - you and me and all the rest of us on LS are all in the same boat. We've been dumped or rejected or we just broke up or someone cheated on us, etc. You ain't alone my friend and sometimes I think we'd all be happier if the world stayed single and we all didn't feel like we must hook up with a mate.

 

Who says we gotta be in a relationship or be married? Why? Don't feel like you're a bad person for not having a girlfriend or being in love with someone. Give it time - you'll meet someone who likes you for who you are.

 

We're all looking for the same thing you are, And if love was easy there wouldn't be websites like this and a million songs written about love or a lost love. One of my favorite movies is the Wedding Singer - nothing is funnier than when he sings "Love Stinks".

 

Hang in there - this time next year you'll be in a better frame of mind and off on some other adventure.

 

Dale Carnegie's books are good but like any motivational book - you read it then forget everything it says after you finish the book.