taurus5 Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I have been married for about 8 years and last month she told me that we should seperate ( she had met another guy and developed feelings for him) for the last 7 months I have been the father/babysitter due to a shift change at work we have 2 boys and the first one she took care of him for 3 1/2 years while I worked in the evenings (she works days) so she never went out with her friends etc.. so now that I watch the boysand she hung out with her friends I never got a chance to do the things I wanted to do and instead of sitting down and talking to her I held my anger inside and ignored her emotional needs so found her emotional needs some where else well a week after telling me about the seperation they broke things offshe told me her feelings for him were getting out of control and he felt the same way and since she was married it just wasn't right for the both of them but my gut feeling tells me that she got played but she is sticking to her story so about 2 weeks ago she tells me that she wants to work things out well I have searching the web every day and the thing that seems to keep coming up is "No Contact" especially the thread called Radiations Guide to Psychological Warfare which really got me thinking so I decided to give it a try and for the last 2 weeks it seems to be working pretty well but was wondering how far do I take it until I can start giving back she always wants to hug, give little kisses, (which I politely tell her I don't feel comfortable right now) asks me to go places with her (which I decline politely) and calls me about 5 times a day (which I will reply only 1 time but keep it short about 1-2 minutes but am starting to get worried that she might think that I don't want to work things out and am basically giving up she obviously is really trying but I don't know how long I should keep up with this NC approach Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I think you are missing the point a little, NC is not a game it is to give you time and space to heal. If in that time your partner decided they want to come back they will make it know and you can go from there. So what you are do is not really NC but you are playing a game with your wife. I think you have to decide what you want, are you really prepared to give her a second chance if that is what she wants? If you are then I would advise taking everything very slowly, make sure she really wants to come back for the right reasons. Don’t let her feel like she can walk in and out of your relationship as she pleases. Get some counseling, you guys will have a lot that you will need to work through. But all of this really does not have a lot to do with NC. Link to post Share on other sites
robot Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Hey man, sorry to hear about your story. NC is a way for you to improve YOUR wellbeing and clear YOUR head after breakups, its not a game. Its excellent that you are looking after your children well. I'm not very qualified to give you any quality advice because I have no kids and never been married. Nonetheless, IMHO, I feel you should at least give ONE chance to work the marriage out. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 See this is what I have against guides... Sigh. Taurus5, that particular one is about dating NOT a committed relationship, it's about "playing" it's about attracting girls NOT keeping your wife and the whole concept of No Contact is for people who are facing a break up and for people whom have consumated their relationship, including worked on them with all their might, to the point where there's nothing else left to do. NOT your case. Please re-read and please don't take anything you read on here or elsewhere online as the letter of the Bible. It sounds to me like you lost valuable time doing that. If she wants to work on it and you do too why play a silly game for teenagers and young dating adults instead of doing just that? I strongly suggest you should sit her down, find ways in which you both want to work on it (marriage counseling included if you're both invested enough to try it) and take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeychops Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Hi, I am currently in the same situation, and have an email you might find interesting! It all depends on if you want your other half back? If you do then this email will be interesting to you it about NC but how to deal with it to get your husband/wife to start wondering about you and missing you. I am afriad it is a game and you have to play along with it. All the time you are saying I love you etc.. and begging it is pushing them away. Let me know if you want the email monkeychops Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I don't think you have to decide *right now* if you want a second chance with your wife before going to seek counseling (both on your own and with your wife). That answer, as well as answers to numerous questions will be part of the process of diving into your 'stuff' with a counselor. Part of that process will also address the issues that were going on in your marriage before your wife cheated. You are in a sticky situation and it will be verrry difficult to go through this with only the help of the Internet. I think you can see the result of dishonesty in a marriage. So stop that cycle and begin today by being honest with yourself and your wife. Be honest about your feelings even if what you say to her is, "I want to work this out but I don't know how," or "I'm not sure what I am feeling right now." Etc. Even if she won't go to couple's therapy- go on your own. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 re: Taurus: " How long do i go with the 'NC' approach?" Answer: until you can barely remember what her face looks like. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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