Financial stress on marriage

[sue1anne]

My partner of 20 years quit his job at my suggestion, to go to truck driving school. He was working two part-time jobs and making a little over minimum wage. He completed trucking school, ($5000), and turned down two jobs saying he can't drive in a truck with someone else. This is usually required for training. He has a mental block that keeps him from driving with another person in the truck. We saw a behavior health specialist, but he can't get past this block.

 

We have had to get food boxes from the local shelters to be able to put food in the house. I hate that!

 

Now he is jobless, depressed and we are hurting badly financially. I took out a $30,000 home equity loan, borrowed $9,000 on my 401k, and maxed out my credit cards to pay monthly bills since December. I'm tapped out. I've told him if he doesn't get a job in the next 5 days (any job), he needs to move out. I'm perilously close to losing my house, my car and everything I've worked for in the past 20 years.

 

I love him and we have had a great 20 years, but this is tearing us apart. I'm depressed and cry every day. My 17 year old son won't come home because we fight over money and jobs (and he won't be graduating high school this year due to ADD issues). My partner is willing to take other jobs, but he isn't very motivated in my opinion and will likely get another low paying job that won't make ends meet. We are seeing a counselor this Friday for our relationship problems.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? How do you cope? I feel like it's hopeless and my finances can't take much more. I can pay my mortgage on my income alone but nothing else.

 

There's a lot more to this... he hates the west coast and wants to move back east, he doesn't have any friends here, he likes assembly jobs and there aren't many where we live...etc.

 

Thanks for any advice.

sue1anne

[Guest]

Hello

 

Financial stress can be a great burden for an otherwise beautiful relationship. We have all been gone through this, but I would seriously consider downsizing your current responsibilities so its more manageable. Its seems like a lot, but if it can save something that you have nurtured all these years like your marriage then in the long run these are the things that will give you real happiness. Sometimes, in our quest for financial independence and wealth we lose out on the things that should really matter. Your husband should seriously consider if he wants to jeopardize all these for his block. It might be well worth the effort to see a psychologist or someone who can help him overcome this. However, if this is not possible; its better to detach yourself from some of your responsibilities. In life, we all go through ups and downs and for some of us it can be huge. Really, think about it. I hope I have helped.

[sagiterre]

Financial problems are brought to the surface more when one of the couple becomes jobless. In that case, it is very important to save expenses and just try to have a middle-class stardard of living.You have to brave the situation: do not let your husband on his own, but help him to find a job. If he feels that he is left alone, he'll become depressed. So always think from his angle before doing something. Good luck and I really hope that the current situation will be remedied!

[Guest]

Huh? He can't drive with someone else in the vehicle? So when the two of you go somewhere how do you handlke that? Take 2 cars? You drive?

 

Never heard of that one.

[uleryrns]

This is really long, please be patient and read...

 

All this advice about putting yourself in his shoes, and feeling bad for him is a crock. Also, people suggesting to cut back on expenses obviously don't realize that it's not that easy to do when you're already living on a minimum income and have MONTHLY living expenses you just can't get rid of. Rent, electricity, water/trash, phone, daycare, car payments, insurance, etc. are all things you have to pay for, in order to live and provide properly for your children.

 

I know where you're at, because I'm kind of in the same situation myself. My husband hasn't been able to hold a job for the last 6 years, floating from one customer service job to the next, because he has no other skills and won't branch out to learn anything new. And after about 6 months at one job, he starts to hate it, only to get let go, quit or find another job that is the same thing only with a different company.

 

So he quit his last job, thinking he could get on with UPS as a driver. But neither of us realized how terrible those jobs are and that it wasn't a good fit for my husband at all. So it left him unemployed and he finally made the decision himself, to go to trucking school to become a truck driver. He finally realized he needed a career that would make decent money so he could provide for his family properly.

 

Luckily, he doesn't have issues with driving with someone else and is more than willing to go through all the training with someone else, so he can drive alone. But the problem we have, is that while he's in school, we don't have enough income (with mine alone) to cover our expenses. There are a couple things we could give up, but we'd only save about $150/month, which won't pay rent or our car payments. Then take into account the costs of adding them back on and paying any disconnect fees, and it's not worth it. My husband HAS to get a job in order for us to make rent and our car payments. My income pays for everything else. I've gone down and applied for government assistance, for whatever we can qualify for, and I'm still waiting for the decision on that. Hopefully we'll at least get some food stamps. Meanwhile, with whatever loans we could get and borrow, my husband still has to work full time. He only goes to school 4 hours a day, so it shouldn't be that hard to get something.

 

But although he agrees and tells me he's willing to get a job, he just sits on his ass and applies to maybe ONE place a week. He really does not look for a job, and then lies to me and tells me he does, when I KNOW he doesn't. And then he gets all pissy and defensive when I confront him and doesn't seem to understand why I'm so angry, depressed and disappointed. I'm at my wits end with him, and about ready to send him packing. I've done everything in my power to help the situation and there isn't anything else I can do. I've cut back on what we can, I've asked for gov't assistance, I've sent out as many resumes as I can, on his behalf (since he won't even bother). Which by the way is something I've had to do every time he's been between jobs because it's like this every time. He doesn't look for work. He acts like it'll fall into his lap or magically appear. But if it weren't for me, he would not have gotten his last 4 jobs, because I sent out his resume, not him. But it's so frustrating for me, to sit here, knowing our bills are not going to be paid, knowing there is no more money coming in, knowing that without him working we could get evicted and lose our cars and our credit will be messed up good, and I'm not able to do anything about it. Is it any wonder I really truly don't like my husband and think he's pathetic, right now? Is it any wonder why I feel so much resentment and disappointment in him?

 

It's like he does not see the ramifications of his inactions. He only thinks about himself right now, and he doesn't want to have to work, so he's being his usual lazy selfish self, making excuses and finding ways out of not working.

 

In the last 6 years of our (7 year) marriage, he's proven that he's not a man of his word. I don't trust what he says, I don't have faith in anything he tells me he'll do, and pretty much most of what comes out of his mouth, I think is B.S. and dont' believe it. His follow thru is pretty much non-existant. He's proven that he's not a good provider as a man and a father and isn't a very good husband. And this "financial" issue is only a tip of the iceberg when it comes to issues we have. He's bipolar on top of it all and I've gone through (and continue to go through) a boat load of verbal, mental and emotional abuse with him as well. You could say he has mood swings from hell, and he gets very angry and acts like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum (literally). I take care of all our bills and finances because he wouldn't know the first thing about how to. And whenever we've had financial issues in the past, I am the one who handles them. His answer is to run to mommy or a family member and ask them for money to borrow, just like he does now while he's in school. Not thinking about the fact that we still have to come up with that money to pay it back later. And instead of being a man and getting a job to provide for his family, he expects everyone else to pay his way, while he sits on his ass.

 

I get so tired of him looking to me, like it's my fault he has to do this and second, like it's my responsibility and I should work my full time job, then get a second full time job, plus take care of all the responbilities of the houshold, the kids and the finances, while he sits on his ass and does nothing. It's not my responsibility to put him through school. We talked about it before he joined up and he knew (and agreed) he would probably have to get a job to pay bills, but now he acts all disgruntled, and claims he's being railroaded, because he has to go to school and then work. He is in school only 4 hours a day and his homework takes maybe an hour of reading and that's it. But he acts and talks like he's going to be SO overwhelmed because he has to work full time and go to school. How many people have done it and made it through? How many people have worked more than one job and go to school full time, for 4 years? He only has 4 months!!!

 

So I'm at my wits end because I can't do anything. At this point, I'm torn. I want to leave him, and feel it would be a big relief and weight off my shoulders from having to deal with his tired lazy, selfish ass and all the problems he brings to the table. Our marriage has not been happy for me for a really long time and this is just more fuel to that fire. He needs to really grow up and be a man and be reliable and responsible and he needs to stop lying to me and bs-ing me. We've gone to counseling and it really didn't help. At first, he'd make a little change here and talk about doing things better and being a better man, but as I said earlier, he's all talk and NEVER the walk. He rarely ever backs up anything he says and just goes back to being the same. I can't live with that. I don't want our children living with that and being taught that it's ok to not follow thru and not be a man of your word. I don't want them to be selfish and lazy, irresponsible and unreliable, not to mention learn how to disrespect their wives or treat women badly. I think of all the things my husband is passing down to our children and I want to scream.

 

But then I look at the other side and think about divorce or seperation. In some ways I would be relieved, but would things be worse between us, then they are? We vowed to stay together, and took those vows seriously. I know my husband loves me. And I know I love him, but right now, I have a hard time feeling or expressing that love for him. I feel like I've been pretending a lot and I know that's not fair. But if I tell him the truth, all of this I'm saying here, I think he would be too devastated and become depressed. I have a feeling he also may not get the full magnitude of my feelings. I've told him some of this before and we've had long talks about his responsibilities, etc., and he says some of the most wonderful things, but never follows thru with them. I feel like I keep giving and giving and trying to be as supportive as I can be, but he always leaves me wanting more from him and feeling completely disappointed by him. I wonder if he'll ever change.

 

Then I worry about how splitting up would affect the kids. They'd still see him, but he wouldn't be a big part in their lives, but would that be so bad? Would it be better not to be around a bad influence? Don't get me wrong, he's not all bad, he is a good father. He's attentive and loving and disciplines them well. But his bad behaviors are really rubbing off on our kids and I hate that. He's teaching his oldest (my step son) that's it's ok to lie because he does it to me right in front of his son and his son knows it's a lie. He'll tell me he doesn't smoke in our house while I'm at work, but I know he does because I can smell it when I get home. When I confront him, he lies to me and then later his son will tell me he was smoking. Or he'll tell me he's looking for work (when I'm calling from my work) and his son will tell me he wasn't, he just told me that and was playing games on the computer instead. And I know he wasn't looking because I look at the browser history and see no browser was ever opened at all. I know being the lazy man that he is, that he didn't look in the phone book and he certainly didn't go out of the house either. Just more of his BS, to appease me and shut me up so I won't give him grief for just sitting on his ass. He gets upset if I treat him like a child, but yet expects me to be like his mother and take care of him...

 

But if I leave him, where do I go? I would take the kids, but we have no money, and no where to go. And if I kick him out, he'd probably go to his moms, but what really would that solve? Eventually, I'm gonna get kicked out too, when we can't pay rent. I keep thinking I don't want a divorce because I believe in my marriage vows and I'm holding on to the hope that he'll grow up eventually. I'm holding on to the hope that after he gets out of school, he'll get into a good job and be on the road a lot, so I won't have to deal with his crap so much. I keep hoping he'll become more responsible and reliable after being on the road driving, and he'll grow up into the man I know he can be. I've seen the good in him, I know it's there, but for the last 6 years, I have been feeling like I have 3 children, not 2. And handling all the responsibilities myself, is NOT what a marriage is supposed to be. We are supposed to handle things together, equally, side by side. And he's not doing his share at all. And I've had enough. Am I hoping for too much?