My girlfriend drunkenly kissed a guy, told me about it....

[Guest]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 1.5 years. About 5 weeks ago I relocated and she will be coming out with me in a few months.

 

On Monday morning she text messaged me saying she needed to talk to me and to call her. so i called her. she told me that she had gotten wasted on friday night. long story short she ended up on a couch alone with a co-worker at somebody's house and kissed this guy. she says that is all that happened and that she "stopped once she realized what she was doing", and I'd like to believe this but I don't want to be naive.

 

there's no way i would have ever found out about this if she hadn't told me, so that is a positive, but i also wonder if it was MORE than just kissing that happened and thus her guilt prompted her to tell me about it.

 

I love her and we have never had any problems at all. but this kills me. i just have this image in my head of her on a couch with some guy goin at it.

 

what do you all make of this? she says she was really drunk and has apologized non-stop for the last 3 days and that it will never happen again and it meant nothing. she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. i still say she cheated (using being drunk as an excuse is a joke).

 

any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[Javelin]

(using being drunk as an excuse is a joke)

 

Well there you go, only 2 options my friend.

 

A) Accept the mistake and work around it.

This will always be on the back of your mind, with this issue comes rebuilding trust in her and lastly you'll continue to wonder, " is that ALL that happened?!"

 

or

 

B) Pack up and walk away now.

To me? It looks like it was your girl kissing him and not the alchohol. If she can remember that ish word for word, then she wanted it to happen.

 

Dont get me wrong though, using an excuse for cheating is childish and unacceptable to me. Personally, that early in a relationship, I'd move on.

[MadDog]

Alcohol doesn't make you do something you don't want to do. It makes you do things you want to do but are normally too afraid to do because of the consequences. I'd drop her like she's hot. There's always another girl out there, one who's hotter and will be more into you than your current girlfriend is.

[tikigods]

she cheated and instead of owning up to it did the gigglie "teehee Im drunk!!!" thing. SEriously find someone else

[Dagny]

I kinda thought it was brave of her to tell you that. So I disagree with the others. It would have been so easy just not to tell you if she was not that into you.

 

The fact she apologized for 3 days straight and told you means at least she tried. Thats my opinion anyway.

[tikigods]

jstu because you confess and apologise for something doesn't make it right. If she had just run over your cat and burned down your house while having sex with your best friend, would an apology and confession mean that it was all okay?

[Dagny]

I just don't think its black or white. like he should definitely ditch her.

 

I suppose he himself knows her character the best and whether she uses excuses like this all the time.

[MadDog]

I just don't think its black or white. like he should definitely ditch her.

 

I suppose he himself knows her character the best and whether she uses excuses like this all the time.

 

I think it's pretty clear he should dump her because it's easier to find another girl and start over than to try to rebuild trust. Trust is a tenuous thing. Once you lose it, it's gone forever in many cases.

[Tim'sAngel]

Alcohol doesn't make you do something you don't want to do.

 

 

Hoooooooold up!! I beg to differ! I've done some preeetty stupid things drunk that i never wanted to do in a million years!! And no I'm not gonna tell you what I did

 

The thing that would bother me more than anything isn't just the fact that she kissed someone, it would be that she allowed herself to become so intoxicated around other men w/out you being there that she could do something like that.

 

I've been really drunk numerous times, most of the things I did I can't even begin to remember. I can't say I don't remember anything, I remember doing some dumb things since alcohol alters the way you think, but that is never a plausible excuse for foolin around w/someone. If you don't want to put yourself in a compromising situiation, then you should not drink in the first place.

[MadDog]

Hoooooooold up!! I beg to differ! I've done some preeetty stupid things drunk that i never wanted to do in a million years!! And no I'm not gonna tell you what I did

 

It's a scientific fact. Alcohol inhibits the frontal cortext which is responsible for social inhibition. It doesn't make you go crazy and make you do things you don't want to do. I've studied this topic so I should know.

 

I think you're in denial about the things you did. It's a lot easier to say, "I never wanted to do it, the alcohol made me do it" but the fact is, you wanted to do it and the alcohol let you forget about the consequences which would normally keep you from doing it.

[Tim'sAngel]

I think you're in denial about the things you did.

 

Thats so funny you say that cuz you have no idea what I'm talking about. Trust me, if you knew, you would agree that I definately DID NOT want to do it!! Maybe at the time it sounded like a good idea, but definately things I would not nor would consider doing in a sober state of mind.

[Sal Paradise]

I just don't think its black or white. like he should definitely ditch her.

 

I suppose he himself knows her character the best and whether she uses excuses like this all the time.

 

Cheating (kissing is cheating) is a black and white issue. There is no gray when it comes to infidelity.

[witabix]

I think there ia a little space for grey areas in this situation.

 

She did something she knew you would be upset about. She either didn't want the chance of you hearing from someone else, or she had a bout of guilt.

 

She had two options, tell or shut up. If she tells she then had to decide how much she tells.

 

It is up to you to decide how truthful she has been. You seem to disbelieve that it was just kissing. Is that your gut, or do you base that on her past veracity?

 

Is she prone to lying?

 

The next thing you need to think about is how YOU feel about the whole situation.

 

My advice, such as this is, is based on my own experience.

 

Once this happens you will be always suspecting. My SO at the time denied it happened then said she was too drunk to remember, I was there and saw with own two eyes!

 

Your SO goes out, to a party or bar without you, the thoughts will creep back in. Over time what trust is left diminshes to the point where you feel yourself not caring. Then the door beckons and you walk out.

 

It can be a long slow process. Forgiving is possible but forgetting is really hard to do. As a poster above said once trust is broken it is hard to fix it up like new, not impossible, just hard.

 

So...

 

You have to think about what this girl means to you, and what you mean to her.

 

18 months is not that long. Your investment is not too big to walk away. Perhaps you feel able to accept her at her word. I would personally be very worried about such behaviour. It seems to indicate to me a lack of self control and a bad decision making process, but people can get better at this as time goes by.

[MadDog]

Thats so funny you say that cuz you have no idea what I'm talking about. Trust me' date=' if you knew, you would agree that I definately DID NOT want to do it!! Maybe [b']at the time [/b]it sounded like a good idea, but definately things I would not nor would consider doing in a sober state of mind.

 

So you're saying all the people who made careers out of doing research on the effects of drugs on the brain is wrong? No matter what it is you did, I could probably believe that you wanted to do it.

[Tim'sAngel]

So you're saying all the people who made careers out of doing research on the effects of drugs on the brain is wrong? No matter what it is you did, I could probably believe that you wanted to do it.

 

So if someone jumps off a bridge because hes so drunk he is delirious and has no idea what he is doing, then he wanted to do it?

[Tim'sAngel]

I'm not saying ur completely wrong. THere are some I did that I wanted to do before and didn't have the guts. (ex. call an ex bf, admit to someone I liked them...) but I know for a fact that there are things I did that I did not want to do!!

[Cecelius]

Why does everyone who cheats rushes to explain that it didn't "mean anything"?

 

Guys, does it make you feel better about your g/f's virtue if she randomly gives it out to other dudes where it doesn't "mean anything"? Or does it make the cheating that much cheaper and sluttier?

 

Seriously, I would dump her. Not because she is a ho, or horrible, or because she will do it again, or whatever. I would dump her because she just isn't good enough. As noted above, there are tons of girls out there who wouldn't even dream of letting this happen.

 

Think about what went on: she went out and got very drunk. Where were her girlfriends who are supposed to look out for her? Why did she get that drunk? How did she "end up" on a couch with a co-worker?

 

A good enough woman wouldn't have gotten that drunk -- end of story. Maybe it's not a crime to get that drunk when there's no supervision for you, but when you are talking about picking a girlfriend "not a crime" isn't the standard you want her to meet. Her behavior just isn't GOOD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

 

Your pride is something you can never get back if you give it up. If you take her back, you are taking back something that is less than you had before.

[Javelin]

Bottom-line here is: kissing IS cheating.

 

If anyone's capable of sharing that intimacy while in a relationship, drunk or not, that person is NOT trustworthy.

 

In my opinion, her actions would be grounds for relationship removal! I wouldnt want to rebuild what trust was built in a year (it'd take twice as long). I'd rather fully trust someone knowing they'd never do that, instead of trying to trust they wouldnt do it again.

[SoleMate]

I disagree with most responders here. She slipped up - it may have been for as few as a few seconds - and she has been honest and remorseful ever since. If this were my SO, I definitely could see rebuilding trust.

 

One important thing to do would be to understand what enabled her to do this and not get in that situation again. Drinking and sitting on a couch in a private home with another man, in your absence, just shouldn't ever happen again, because it is a knwon danger condition.

 

Alcohol doesn't make you do something you don't want to do. It makes you do things you want to do but are normally too afraid to do because of the consequences.

I agree she wanted to do it, at some level. It could just have been a mild imagining. Come on now guys...you're wasted, sitting next to an attractive lady who leans in to kiss you. Is there even a 10% chance that her lips might touch yours for 5 seconds? The point is, don't be in that position.

[Javelin]

Come on now guys...you're wasted, sitting next to an attractive lady who leans in to kiss you. Is there even a 10% chance that her lips might touch yours for 5 seconds?

 

Sorry no, some of us have self control.

 

Be weary, this is how it all starts. A kiss.

[Spectre]

I disagree with most responders here. She slipped up - it may have been for as few as a few seconds - and she has been honest and remorseful ever since. If this were my SO, I definitely could see rebuilding trust.

 

You're leaving out details. She kissed a guy for a few seconds, sure its possible. What in gods name was she doing wasted and alone on some couch with some dude? that isnt a slip up, its not like they were both dizzy at the exact same time and decided to sit down in the exact same place, then kissed

 

One important thing to do would be to understand what enabled her to do this and not get in that situation again. Drinking and sitting on a couch in a private home with another man, in your absence, just shouldn't ever happen again, because it is a knwon danger condition.

 

so there goes the whole "it was just a slip up"

 

 

dont pursue relationships with people who are unable or just too damn selfish to not put themselves in those situations. its not only the kiss, its the way it happened, as someone said that isnt gf material.

 

Not to mention, this was with a co-worker, now her bf has to deal with her being near this man every time shes at work, its just way too much drama and isnt worth it for someone who does this, what about the next time this chick decides to get wasted? hell, i'd break up with her just for the fact that she tried to use the drunk excuse, unless the alcohol had mind controlling serum in it, it wasnt anyones fault but the persons.

[mini696]

...she "stopped once she realized what she was doing"

 

She knew what she was doing before she kissed him.

[TeaCooler]

Alcohol doesn't make you do something you don't want to do. It makes you do things you want to do but are normally too afraid to do because of the consequences.

 

not always true. alcohol can "make" you do things you wouldn't normally do unless you're drinking, period. it could be for any reason.

 

i've done things i couldn't remember. it was the alcohol that made me not remember, and it was the alcohol that must have made whatever i did make sense at the time (especially seeing as i didn't even know what happened sometimes.)

 

i am not saying alcohol is an excuse, and that it should be acceptable to everyone who receives that excuse. but i know that the person i am is totally different than the person i am when i drink...and it's not because i have secret yearnings that only come out with alcohol. it's because i've made stupid choices when i put something in my body that didn't belong there.

 

people act like they are so surprised when they find out someone did something stupid while drinking, but when did drinking become something that made people brilliant decision-makers? we all know what it does, and it affects some people very differently than others. if you find that you do stupid things while drinking, and you continue to drink, then that to me is what is irresponsible.

 

hence why i don't drink anymore.

 

it's up to the person who was wronged to decide what they are willing to accept, and it's up to the person who screwed up to change things so it doesn't happen again, to that person or to the next.

[Citizen Erased]

I remember those times after my boyfriend kissed someone, those flashes going through your mind of your SO and someone else. It sucks. Those flashes would pop up at random times and I would be devastated all over again.

 

The thing is, my boyfriend could make me feel better when this occured. He didnt need to say anything, just be there for me when this happened. This is the key to getting over this.

 

Can you bear to have them be near to you, hold you etc and this makes you feel better? If not then I guess you can go through the painful process of working through your trust issues for a relationship which is relatively young, or get out and find someone who will never do anything like this to you ever.

 

Good Luck

[Spectre]

i've done things i couldn't remember. it was the alcohol that made me not remember, and it was the alcohol that must have made whatever i did make sense at the time (especially seeing as i didn't even know what happened sometimes.)

 

Just because you cant remember doesn't mean you didnt want to do whatever you did. Alcohol doesn't result in a massive personality change. If you hate broccoli, youre not gonna start eating some once youre drunk. Similarly, if you truly love your s/o, youre not gonna start kissing/humping some other dude once youre drunk.

 

i am not saying alcohol is an excuse, and that it should be acceptable to everyone who receives that excuse. but i know that the person i am is totally different than the person i am when i drink...and it's not because i have secret yearnings that only come out with alcohol. it's because i've made stupid choices when i put something in my body that didn't belong there.

 

everyone who's done something really assinine while wasted is gonna try to say alcohol doesnt always make you do what you want, I get it, but research proves you otherwise. Now if youre so wasted you fall over into a pile of manure, obviously you didnt secretly want to have a face full of manure. But if youre wasted and you ended up kissing your best friends boyfriend or something, then I'd tend to say that was a "secret yearning" or maybe if someone was drunk and began to flash strangers, doesnt mean they wanna be a whore, maybe it means deep down they want attention, etc.

 

it doesnt change the fact that there isnt some benevolent force guiding your actions while wasted, and deep down: its still you. Thus why even mentioning this excuse is laughable.