My girlfriend drunkenly kissed a guy, told me about it....

[Vertex]

In my opinion it doesn't matter whether or not alcohol makes you do things you wouldn't have done otherwise. The fact of the matter is, she kissed him. It is one's responsibility to know how much they drink and understand that drinking can cause problems. Somehow she drank too much such that she ended up alone with this guy on the couch. That's a red flag in my mind. Using alcohol as an excuse doesn't cut it.

 

"How could you cheat on me with those three girls?!"

"I was drunk! It meant nothing!"

"Oh, ok then, I forgive you and understand. In that case, how many times did you make them come?"

 

No, no no! It does not work that way. If you're truly committed in a relationship you should be making an active effort not to overdrink or let people take advantage of you, whether or not the kissing is intentional or not. It is my opinion that if you are "party-smart" you will never end up in a drunken-cheating mess like so many have done.

 

In short though I think this is not something you should take lightly, that's all.

[Cecelius]

Vertex -- I agree with you. The big issue to me would be not just that she cheated, but that there are other girls out there who wouldn't dream of getting that bad off and assuming that a bunch of dudes won't take advantage of her.

 

It isn't that she commited the biggest crime in the world, it's that there are other girls out there who wouldn't push it to that extent and then stand back and say that it wasn't their fault really -- it was the booze, or the other guy, or whatever.

[TeaCooler]

Just because you cant remember doesn't mean you didnt want to do whatever you did. Alcohol doesn't result in a massive personality change. If you hate broccoli, youre not gonna start eating some once youre drunk.

 

 

really? huh. i ate almost an entire pineapple and ham pizza once when i was smashed. didn't even know it til the next day. and you know what i absolutely hate? pineapple and ham pizza. and you know what i usually can't eat a lot of? pizza.

 

you don't need a huge personality change to do something out of the ordinary, especially when under the influence of some kind of substance.

 

and it's not just food, ohhhhhhhhhh no.

 

i've also hooked up with people i would never bat an eyelash at. sometimes i would not know it happened. sometimes they were complete strangers. sometimes i was so ashamed it hurt. "real me" and "drunk me" are very different people.

 

so for me, i was not able to control what happened when i was drunk. and even if i thought i had it under control, it's only because something else was making me feel like i was in control. my beer muscles, maybe i don't know.

 

i can control, however, whether i drink or not. and so i don't.

 

 

 

everyone who's done something really assinine while wasted is gonna try to say alcohol doesnt always make you do what you want, I get it, but research proves you otherwise. Now if youre so wasted you fall over into a pile of manure, obviously you didnt secretly want to have a face full of manure. But if youre wasted and you ended up kissing your best friends boyfriend or something, then I'd tend to say that was a "secret yearning" or maybe if someone was drunk and began to flash strangers, doesnt mean they wanna be a whore, maybe it means deep down they want attention, etc.

 

reaearch doesn't do s*** for me, they never researched me. and there's just as much research to prove the other way.

 

how do you personally know someone doesn't secretly want a face full of manure? how do you know the flasher isn't really a slut?

 

the point is, no one cares what the excuse is when you've been cheated on...it's just another thing to get mad at because it's already a horrible situation.

 

i am not saying "excuse" as in something that must be accepted, my point is that there are reasons to explain some behaviour, and alcohol is often one of them. why? because people act differently when they drink. because people think differently. because sometimes, you're not thinking at all.

 

i mean honestly, you're all prepared to accept "i was drunk" for manure and flashing, but when it comes to cheating, the main thing is that you're pissed they cheated and you don't care why. you refuse to believe that someone that hurt you so much could really truly mean it when they say they screwed up and didn't know what they were doing.

 

i probably wouldn't accept it either. but i would believe someone if they told me they had no recollection and they don't know why it happened and that they are absolutely sick about it. that still doesn't mean i have to hang around and finds out if it happens again.

 

the fact is, no excuse is going to be accepted by someone who has been cheated on.

 

obviously, it's up to the individual to decide whether they want to accept it or move on. but let's not pretend that we all live in la-la land where we expect everyone did know better just because we think they should have known better.

[tanbark813]

9 times out of 10, a person in this type of situation will only admit to part of what they did. My money says your next post will be entitled "It turns out she did more than just kiss him...".

[Guest]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 1.5 years. About 5 weeks ago I relocated and she will be coming out with me in a few months.

 

On Monday morning she text messaged me saying she needed to talk to me and to call her. so i called her. she told me that she had gotten wasted on friday night. long story short she ended up on a couch alone with a co-worker at somebody's house and kissed this guy. she says that is all that happened and that she "stopped once she realized what she was doing", and I'd like to believe this but I don't want to be naive.

 

there's no way i would have ever found out about this if she hadn't told me, so that is a positive, but i also wonder if it was MORE than just kissing that happened and thus her guilt prompted her to tell me about it.

 

I love her and we have never had any problems at all. but this kills me. i just have this image in my head of her on a couch with some guy goin at it.

 

what do you all make of this? she says she was really drunk and has apologized non-stop for the last 3 days and that it will never happen again and it meant nothing. she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. i still say she cheated (using being drunk as an excuse is a joke).

 

any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

if my woman kissed another guy even if she told me that was all it was and she was wasted i dont think i would be able to forget about it and trust her but thats me you do what you think is best for you. p.s i live in a small town i would cut hiss balls off!

[Cecelius]

9 times out of 10, a person in this type of situation will only admit to part of what they did. My money says your next post will be entitled "It turns out she did more than just kiss him...".

 

Agreed. I cannot remember, outside of being in the 5th grade, when I've ever been on a couch kissing a drunk girl where that's ALL that happened.

[Carlthecoffeeaddict]

yes because people who drink a lot in the first place tend to have a lot on their mind and will drink to "escape" their problems......trust me i have grown up alcoholism

 

getting drunk is an intent to escape everyday life, also it is the most disrespectful thing you can do to yourself.

 

So as for the girl.......kissing another guy, apparently her BF wasn't on her mind! if he was she would have not kissed him even drunk!!!!

[Spectre]

you don't need a huge personality change to do something out of the ordinary, especially when under the influence of some kind of substance.

 

It doesnt mean you didnt want to do it.

 

i've also hooked up with people i would never bat an eyelash at. sometimes i would not know it happened. sometimes they were complete strangers. sometimes i was so ashamed it hurt. "real me" and "drunk me" are very different people.

 

Perhaps it was the real you, you have to wonder why the "real you" would continue to get so sh*t-faced she continuously hooks up with people she doesnt remember/wouldnt normally do it, but i guess thats a whole different problem

 

so for me, i was not able to control what happened when i was drunk. and even if i thought i had it under control, it's only because something else was making me feel like i was in control. my beer muscles, maybe i don't know.

 

But you can control what happened, blaming it on "beer muscles" just means you dont want to deal with it. The fact is: you werent possessed, you werent being mind controlled. It was you, might of been a small fraction of the "real you" but, it was probably you.

 

Youre also misunderstanding me, you think im saying every stupid thing someone does when drunk was exactly what they meant to do. I just meant it was your subconscious expressing needs/desires and that was the way it happened, you could of done it a number of diffrent ways. a NUMBER of issues could cause someone to act the way you described, and it might only come out when drunk, but it doesnt mean you are 100% different when wasted, this girl aint any different.

 

 

 

how do you personally know someone doesn't secretly want a face full of manure? how do you know the flasher isn't really a slut?

 

I dont know, I was using examples in the tone that someone was saying "this isnt me cuz i was drunk and fell in manure or flashed" and giving possible explanations, then again, if the flasher was a true slut, she'd be doing a lot more than flashing.

 

 

i am not saying "excuse" as in something that must be accepted, my point is that there are reasons to explain some behaviour, and alcohol is often one of them. why? because people act differently when they drink. because people think differently. because sometimes, you're not thinking at all.

 

and im saying, "bulls***" , people might act differently, but it doesnt mean it isnt still them. For example, when I was younger I was extremely shy, when I'd get drunk..I wouldnt be. I'd act the way I did around people I was comfy with even if they were total strangers. While, it isnt a common trait for me to do so cuz i am normally shy, the personality i was showing was still mine, even though if i was sober I wouldnt of acted that way and the strangers would of viewed me as a quiet person.

 

You might do stuff you normally wouldnt do cuz of alcohol, but it isnt cuz its not you, its cuz being drunk has taken away your fears of whatever youre doing.

 

i mean honestly, you're all prepared to accept "i was drunk" for manure and flashing but when it comes to cheating, the main thing is that you're pissed they cheated and you don't care why. you refuse to believe that someone that hurt you so much could really truly mean it when they say they screwed up and didn't know what they were doing.

 

I never said I would accept it, if my gf flashed, while drunk, sober, on meth, etc. She'd be gone, and quickly.

 

i probably wouldn't accept it either. but i would believe someone if they told me they had no recollection and they don't know why it happened and that they are absolutely sick about it. that still doesn't mean i have to hang around and finds out if it happens again.

 

having no memory doesn't mean they didnt want to do it. if you goto a function without your boyfriend, where theres plenty of booze and plenty of other guys, and you proceed to get wasted, then youre setting yourself up for the opportunity to mess up and cheat, the fact that the girl had no problems doing that shows me that her having no problems cheating with some co-worker on the couch isnt much of a stretch

 

the fact is, no excuse is going to be accepted by someone who has been cheated on.

 

but let's not pretend that we all live in la-la land where we expect everyone did know better just because we think they should have known better.

 

if someone doesnt know not to cheat on their s/o, unless there was a prior discussion of an open relationship, then theyre just outright retarded.

[lostlove223]

I Would Give Her Another Chance She Told You So That Has To Be A Start. Like You Said If She Didnt Tell You There Is No Way You Wouldve Found Out About It. So Even Though Shes An Intoxicated Cheater She Isnt A Lier. Tell Her To Give Up The Clubs And Or Dont Drink Without You Around. I Believe When You Drink To Much You Do Some Really Stupid Stuff. I Dont Think I Have A ConCIENCE Because If I It Was Gonna Make You Mad And There Was No Way Youd Find Out I Wouldnt Have Said Anything So Consider Yourself Lucky. She Sounds Like A Great Girl That Mad A Huge Mistake- Give Her Another Shot!

[amerikajin]

I realize that I'm late, and whatever was going to happen in this relationship has probably already gone down. But just in case the original poster's still reading...

 

...I think most of the people here have responded in almost knee-jerk fashion in favor of dumping her mainly because they themselves have been on the receiving end of cheating, and it sucks - big time.

 

Having said all that, I think there are indeed shades of gray here as Witabix pointed out. By no means am I advocating being a naive sucker who blithely dismisses your girlfriend's transgressions, but at the same time, you should try to see a mistake for what it is.

 

I think you have to first look at the relationship and, specifically, the person you're dating. Has she always been honest with you about things in the past? Has she ever been caught in a lie? If she's been honest with you the entire time then it would seem to me that her decision to tell you about her mistake is yet more proof that she's being honest with you. That's a positive thing, I think.

 

Of course, if you've caught her in lies before, then you'd have to say that her decision to make out with this guy might be ample evidence that she's not trustworthy.

 

Is cheating, cheating? Yes, and no.

 

It's cheating in the sense that you have to treat it as a breach of trust. It's a violation of the pact of exlusivity and you simply cannot ignore it.

 

But I think there's cheating, and then there's cheating. There's this kiss under the influence of alcohol, and then there's a full-on sexual encounter, or worse, a full-on affair.

 

If it were me, I might - might - be willing to give it a go if the relationship has been otherwise good. However, I would definitely pull back and take some measure of control back from her. I would not follow the usual routine because things are no longer routine in your relationship. Maybe start from the beginning again. A light dinner and coffee. Do not sleep together. Do not spend an entire day with her. Make her think about things by giving yourself some space and reclaiming your individuality. If she can't handle that, if she gives you any crap, cut her the hell loose. But as long as you don't use this to gain unfair leverage in the relationship, then if she's really into you, she'll understand and try to do her part to regain your trust. I think you use this time to see how much you really love her in spite of this, and you use this time as well to see just how much she really respects you and how committed she is to you. You're going to find out what kind of stuff she's made of here. It will not be easy. You will understandably have some doubts, and she will just have to understand that. But I think everybody makes mistakes in relationships - even big ones. A mistake by itself should not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, though each mistake has to be judged in relation to the bigger picture. Best of luck.

[hyakku]

Being drunk is NO excuse. I'd like to add my insight on this.

 

I smoke Marijuana. Let me tell you. I have been so stoned that when I closed my eyes I saw colors. I have been so stoned I have passed out while nearly sitting up straight for 20 minutes. I have been so stoned I couldn't remember how I got home, the trip there, or any of that. Yet I NEVER. NEVER. Did ANYTHING I didn't want to do. And let me tell you for those who have not been amazingly baked, you have alot less control. Alcohol may make you do things you want to do deep down, but when stoned you cannot say you are in your right mind. Yet never, never, have I ever done anything that I don't wanna do.

 

As it is now, besides truth serum and whatnot, there is no drug that makes you have sex with other people. NO drug, no matter what you want to say. There may be drugs that make you have muscle spasms or go psychotic, but alcohol is not one of them. Alcohol makes you do nothing, its not as if your hands move by themselves and you are thinking, " I DONT WANT TO DO THIS". THAT is not having control. When your body is doing jumping jacks while you are being arrested by the cops and you can't stop, THAT is out of control. Hooking up with someone is not.

 

I have very different views on cheating then most in LS, but she used this old and beat excuse. It would be better if she said, "You know what, I was curious, I hooked up with him, I'm not going to lie and say I didn't want to. Its up to you to choose what you want to do." thats what responsibility is. She doesn't possess it. Drop her.

[amerikajin]

I agree that being drunk is no excuse for what happened. The bottom line is, it did happen; she did put herself in that situation.

 

Having said that, people do things they wouldn't ordinarly do if they were sober. Sure, she might have had a sexual interest in him, but she might not have done anything had she been sober and thought about the consequences of her actions. We've all done stupid things when drunk. And similarly, maybe there was a part of us that really wanted to do it, but if sober, we might have considered the consequences and never engaged in the regrettable behavior.

 

I am not even saying he necessarily should take this girl back - that's clearly a judgment call that only he can make, as he is the one who knows the relationship in its entirety. But I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think he should just automatically drop this girl if, taking all things into consideration, he feels that this might have been a mistake.

 

I think she did take responsibility by coming forward with the truth and not trying to sweep it under the rug. She may have had her own reasons for doing it, but still, she did the right thing in response to a very bad decision on her part. That, to me, indicates that she is fully aware of her having f***ed up and wanting to address the issue head on.

 

The difficulty in taking someone back in this situation is that there is going to be lingering doubt in his mind for a long, long time to come. Once trust is broken it is damn hard to rebuild. Every time she is talking to a guy and so much as smiles, a part of him is going to wonder if there's something going on. What's worse is that, if I recall correctly, it's a co-worker. He'll be wondering if she's got some kind of connection with any of her more attractive male co-workers for some time to come.

 

<sigh> Would've been much easier if she hadn't done it at all.

[Vertex]

I agree, AJ. People do make mistakes, and one would need to know her "record" when it comes to honesty to see how much weight should be put on that mistake. It's easy for many to become over-intoxicated during parties and whatnot, but I think if you are in a relationship it should be a conscious priority to avoid being taken advantage of, even if that means holding back on the alcohol (even if you're not in a relati--- well, eh, actually that scenario is arguable ).

 

Regardless, she WAS honest and came forward. You have to give her credit for admitting something like that to you. If this is her first "big mistake" I would not be so quick to dump her. Otherwise, maybe it's the best choice. But consider the fact that she allowed herself to be put in that position. That also needs to be addressed.

[Cecelius]

AK -- I agree that there are shades of gray, but a couple of other thoughts come to mind:

 

1) At least to me, part of what is tough about stories like this is that it is cheap and tacky and it makes you think of the girl the same way. In a sense, I'd rather find out that my girl was chaste but having feelings for someone, or having a legitimate emotional affair, or even a sexual affair with feelings involved than getting trashed and mashed by some dude. The tackiness and cheapness of the story itself just would make her seem so much less worthwhile -- the very "meaninglessness" of it is what is MOST offensive.

 

2) Because this was a booze story, and she was that bad off, the OP has to consider that the fact that things didn't go further may have nothing to do with her virtue and more qwith how decent this guy decided to be -- honestly, how many more drinks was she away from doing or permitting a whole lot more? Girls tend to be more vulnerable to alchohol. Once you can quantify the reliability of your SO in that kind of context, there's not a whole lot of magic left.

 

3) As noted above, I reserve on whether I would believe this story was just a kiss. The OP should try to see the story the way he would if she were not his g/f (which will influence him to want this to have been only a kiss). If you heard this story otherwise, what would you think?

 

4) [she works with the guy. If you're going to do something cheap, tacky and kind of slutty, at least you could do it with someone who wasn't around indefiniately -- what is the OP going to do? Forbid her to drink? Forbid her to talk to him, other than giving him memos?] Rereading the post, I realize she is supposed to move out with the OP so this is less an issue.

 

5) I had to add this -- I would reach out to her and let her know you are thinking about whether it is wise for her to come out to you. Once she is there, you will have a hard time getting her out if this still bugs you. There will be logistical issues, and she WILL assume that you have completely forgiven this transgression. I would just suggest to her that you are thinking through the situation and will get back to her.

 

A short, quick break up is worth more than months, years, etc., worth of second guessing.

[ronnieromance]

So if someone jumps off a bridge because hes so drunk he is delirious and has no idea what he is doing' date=' then he wanted to do it?[/quote']

 

OK, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree with this one. Slip fall, not see he was on a bridge...delirious? What is this "Reefer Madness"?

 

 

 

-R-

[MarnieGirl]

 

When your body is doing jumping jacks while you are being arrested by the cops and you can't stop, THAT is out of control. Hooking up with someone is not.

 

so only things that involve sex are considered "under your control" when drinking? everything else you do that is stupid or dangerous doesn't count, just sexual activity? that doesn't seem fair. in fact, it sounds completely hypocritical and ridiculous.

 

face it. no one who is cheated on is going to say that they accept it for any reason, so why try to justify, at any length, a person's actions to someone who's already been burned? it won't happen.