Reconciling with STBXH?

[Mistaken Identity]

I broke down and called my soon-to-be-ex a few days ago after a few months of NC. We have a five year-old together and I didn't want my stubborness to keep her from her dad. To make a long story short, he told me he "is still hopelessly in love" with me. I must admit, I've been feeling old and ugly lately and I was happy to hear him say that. I'm still attracted to him. I thought my attraction had stopped for good, but I think it was only temporary while I was mad at him. To sum up our situation: Married six years, separated for a total of 11 months. He quit his job of three years after his dad had a heart attack/surgery and he discovered I was having an emotional affair with another man. He got his own apartment and never went back to work. We got back together, tried to make a go of it in a new state about 1200 miles away. But he still wouldn't hold a job--claimed he suffered from too much anxiety. So, separation again. He went to his mom's and I went back home. We're both in our forties, so he should be more responsible. He takes medication for depression/schizophrenia. He has stopped taking one of his medications--Zoloft--and he says the anxiety has stopped. He's now ready to go back to work and try to be a member of the family. He says he realizes he was selfish by spending his money on himself and basically living in his own little world. I don't know what to do. I would love for him to visit, but my mother and teenage daughter hate him. My mother, especially, despises him because of his irresponsible behavior. Please don't anyone suggest counseling. I've called four different places and it just isn't affordable. That's why I'm here! Anyway, if I take him back, my teenager and my mom will be disappointed in me. My mother will probably fly into a rage and stop talking to me. Then if it doesn't work out between me and my husband, I'll feel all alone. What do I do? P.S. I own my own home and support myself, but my mother lives across the street and has always helped me with house repairs, car repairs, etc. So I feel like I owe her...

[dgiirl]

You have to figure out the reasons why you broke up, why you had an emotional affair and find solutions to those problems. You both can have all these lovey dovey feelings for one another, but until those problems are solved, they will only resurface down the road after the honeymoon period.

 

As for mom, I dont know, that's a difficult one. I dont see my ex and I reconciling, but I've thought of that myself often. If he did want to come back, what would I tell everyone? The only thing I can think of is to tell people it's your marriage and it means a lot to you and you have to give it one more chance. Tell them that you really do understand that they only want the best for you and you appreciate their support and you will need to lean on them if it goes sour, but for the moment, you really need to try it one more time.

[Curmudgeon]

To add to what dgiirl said, you may owe your mother a lot but you don't owe her your personal life. You have to make the decision as to what's right for you and the children. What's right for your mother doesn't count, not in this.

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you both. I often think about my childhood and my stepfather and how I and my brothers and sisters hated him. But that didn't matter to my mother. She just kept breaking up the fist fights, kicking him out, then taking him back.

[Mistaken Identity]

Curmudgeon, I found an old post where you suggested a CoDA meeting. I found one near my house that meets this Friday. I'm excited about attending. I read the list of characteristics of dependent people, and that's me exactly! I can't thank you enough.

[DesperateDad]

I agree with Curmudgeon: you don't owe it to your mother to break up with your husband. If you still believe there's a chance to work through your problems, please consider giving it a chance.

 

As far as counseling goes, have you considered something like catholic social services? I don't think you have to be catholic or even religious and they won't push the issue. They DO have a sliding fee scale that can make therapy much more affordable. It's based on income and number of members in the family. It's worth checking into if it can save your family.

 

Also, who prescribed your husband's meds? Is he under the care of a professional right now? If not, he definitely should be. Considering what you've said regarding his mental situation, any decision to stop taking medication should be made between him and a medical doctor who specialized in psychiatry.

 

Good luck with everything!

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you, Deseperate Dad. My husband is under the care of a psychiatrist. He takes Zyprexa too, and he claims to be doing better. I'll look into Catholic Social Services. Thanks for the referral!