Moving - how, when, who?

[Star Gazer]

As some of you may know, I'm involved in a LDR with my first love with whom I reunited with earlier this year. I sooooo want to be with him more than we're able to, and I'm not sure how many more months of being separated I can handle. We live a little over 250 miles apart...not too far, but between our waking responsibilities, we are only able to see each other on the weekends - either every 2 weeks or every 3 weeks, but luckily for long weekends.

 

My situation: My career currently requires me to stay in California (I'm an attorney...requires a Bar Exam, etc.), so moving to a different state would be a pain in the ass because I'd have to start all over - Bar Exam, clients, book of business, just the entire process of becoming established. However, recent events with work have opened my eyes to the fact that my career is not WHO I am, and frankly have recently wondered whether or not I chose the wrong career path to begin with (not with law, but with my particular area/type of practice)! Also, while it would be a pain in the ass to start over professionally in the city where he is, it wouldn't be that terrible....I'd even make at least $15-20K MORE where he is, and the cost of living is lower. All of my friends and family are scattered all over, and not where I am. If I want to spend quality time with my friends and family, either I or they have to travel...but moving to him would make it so that I always have to fly to see them, whereas right now I can easily drive. So, long story short - my only roots here are those tied to my job. And it's just that - a JOB. Nothing more to me at this point.

 

His situation: His career is such that the only way he'll ever really make a good living is in the city he is, or in some place completely different (not even where I am). He has sole legal and physical custody of his two kids (9 and 6) and wants to stay in the same neighborhood and house until they graduate high school because he was forced to move around when he was a kid...he wants them to have the stable upbringing that he didn't get to have, and I totally respect (and adore) that. The majority of his family and friends are in his city. He has REAL ROOTS in his city, whereas my only roots are my job.

 

So my questions...

 

1. Am I right in thinking that if/when the distance becomes a problem that it would make more sense for ME to move to HIM?

 

2. WHEN (as in, how long into the relationship) should we seriously start considering a move?

 

3. HOW would this move go down? Do folks ordinarily move in together, or would I get my own place??

 

Any advice/insight would be great.

[Art_Critic]

What does he think ? Have you asked him the questions ?

 

I happen to have a problem with this.. it seems to me he is drawing a line that doesn't need to be..

 

and wants to stay in the same neighborhood and house until they graduate high school because he was forced to move around when he was a kid...he wants them to have the stable upbringing that he didn't get to have,

That is crap ... sorry but I feel it is.. .. he is saying that he won't even buy a new house.. so you are supposed to live in his marriage house or a house that isn't yours for the next 10-12 years.. come on

Okay.. I can buy the same school stuff for a year or two but till they graduate..

 

 

I honestly think you need to play this relationship out furthur before you decide to move.. he doesn't seem like he has both feet in..

[Star Gazer]

That is crap ... sorry but I feel it is.. .. he is saying that he won't even buy a new house.. so you are supposed to live in his marriage house or a house that isn't yours for the next 10-12 years.. come on

Okay.. I can buy the same school stuff for a year or two but till they graduate..

 

 

I honestly think you need to play this relationship out furthur before you decide to move.. he doesn't seem like he has both feet in..

 

Well, this isn't this "marriage house," it's actually his mother's house that he moved into from his condo (where he WAS with the ex) when his mother moved out. He's been paying the mortgage payment without the benefit of earning any equity in his own name, and is currently bargaining with his mom over the purchase price. It's a very nice, large, roomy house in a great neighborhood, and I can totally see it becoming "ours" over time. Ideally, he just wants to keep the kids in the same neighborhood/school district, and based on our similar histories as children, as well as the chaotic early years of their life because of his divorce and their mother's literal craziness, I can appreciate his desire to maintain stability. What is more, this desire to stay in this house hasn't come up as the result of any "moving" conversations, but more so just out of circumstance...so it's not like he's "stating his position" or anything........

 

Also, why is it that you don't think he has both his feet in? And that was exactly my question - at what point should it become a serious thought (serious THOUGHT as in I'm not actually taking steps to move yet...it's just in my mind...)?

[justagirliegirl]

I agree with AC. You are sacrificing everything and him nothing.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with AC. You are sacrificing everything and him nothing.

 

I don't see it that way. I'm sacraficing NOTHING ~ there is literally nothing keeping me in this city at all... I have no roots here, no reason to stay, but every reason to go.

 

And again, the intent of my post is to ask WHEN should it become a serious THOUGHT. I am not doing anything NOW....

 

And if your statement above were true, than EVERY SINGLE PERSON who moves to be with their SO would be sacraficing everything and the other nothing... and that's not true.

[Art_Critic]

Also, why is it that you don't think he has both his feet in?

 

First off I do think you need to talk about these things with him before deciding that you are the one to make the sacrifice..

 

 

I think he doesn't have both feet in because he doesn't seem to be nesting with you... You seem to be nesting with him..

 

I think he is planning his future as if you won't be in it..

 

IMO only.. I don't know for sure but as a guy that has sold homes to move into a better postion for a relationship/including a child I feel as though if he isn't thinking of you in his future then you are going to meet issues like this at every turn with him..

[Star Gazer]

First off I do think you need to talk about these things with him before deciding that you are the one to make the sacrifice..

 

 

I think he doesn't have both feet in because he doesn't seem to be nesting with you... You seem to be nesting with him..

 

I think he is planning his future as if you won't be in it..

 

IMO only.. I don't know for sure but as a guy that has sold homes to move into a better postion for a relationship/including a child I feel as though if he isn't thinking of you in his future then you are going to meet issues like this at every turn with him..

 

 

You keep saying "I think..." and "I think..." but you have no explanation for WHY you think that. WHY do you think he's not nesting with me and I am with him? WHY do you think he's planning his future as though I won't be in it? WHY do you think he isn't thinking of me in his future???

 

WHY? Tell me that.

[Star Gazer]

First off I do think you need to talk about these things with him before deciding that you are the one to make the sacrifice..

 

 

And I HAVE spoken with him about it, and WE have realized and decided that IF and/or WHEN the distance becomes a problem and we do want to physically be closer together, that I would be the one to move. Period. You assumed that we haven't had these conversations...

[Art_Critic]

You keep saying "I think..." and "I think..." but you have no explanation for WHY you think that. WHY do you think he's not nesting with me and I am with him? WHY do you think he's planning his future as though I won't be in it? WHY do you think he isn't thinking of me in his future???

 

WHY? Tell me that.

 

I say I think becuase they are my opinions.. nobody can tell you what is really is going on.. All we can do is give you some insight to help you keep your eyes open as you deal with this issue..

 

I still think you should bring this out into the open and get a dialog going with him about it..

 

If you were all hunky dory with it you wouldn't be questioning yourself.

 

His motives seem genuine as he is putting his kids first.. but where do you fir into the picture ?

[Art_Critic]

And I HAVE spoken with him about it, and WE have realized and decided that IF and/or WHEN the distance becomes a problem and we do want to physically be closer together, that I would be the one to move. Period. You assumed that we haven't had these conversations...

 

Sorry .. just read this..

 

 

I still don't like the word period.. he seems to hard and non wavering..

 

Again.. he seems to not have you planned into his future

 

But keep the dialog going and if you have a problem with it talk to him about it

[Star Gazer]

 

If you were all hunky dory with it you wouldn't be questioning yourself.

 

I'm not questioning myself, this is what I WANT, this is what HE wants, and I'm just seeking an opinion. I asked everyone about which car was better too, even after I already purchased mine (and I LOVE it). I just like getting opinions (largely to VERIFY what I already KNOW), but they gotta be backed up by something. You keep giving opinions without using anything I've said to support it...

 

The point of my post was to ask WHEN is it reasonable to seriously consider this, and HOW does this usually happen...and those questions have not been answered. Instead, you said he's not planning a future with me, an opinion with which you have NOTHING to support it.

 

Anyone else?

[Art_Critic]

Anyone else?

 

You don't have to be a jerk about it ..

 

I did answer in my first post that I think you should play this relationship out first a while longer before you decide to move.. Did you read that ?

 

 

Sorry my opinion isn't what you wanted to hear.. so I'll go post on other threads..

[je andre]

1. Am I right in thinking that if/when the distance becomes a problem that it would make more sense for ME to move to HIM?

 

2. WHEN (as in, how long into the relationship) should we seriously start considering a move?

 

3. HOW would this move go down? Do folks ordinarily move in together, or would I get my own place??

 

Any advice/insight would be great.

 

my answers:

1. why wait for the distance to become a problem? when you already have the chance to stop it from happening? im bother though... isnt it when you move in with someone, its because you both want to live life together? and its not about making sense or following a certain pattern.

 

2. move? you mean moving in together? being in the same house, living together having the same goals? there is no specific time i believe... it could be just weeks for couples and already they realize that they want to move in together already. its not really a matter of when but rather a matter of readiness between the two of you. you could be ready in days, weeks, months and sometimes even years. the question is are you ready? its not the when nobody sets a rule. its all about you and your partner's readiness to move to the next stage of your relationship.

 

3. well on this one its all bout how you both want to decide on this.

 

i have this feeling that you already made a decision and that you just want someone to affirm it whatever it is, im happy for you both.

[luvvedupnyc]

Oooh i'm in the same boat.... .... i've been in a LDR for almost a year now although we have agreed at the end of the year we decide... I know my job is more felixible when it comes to relocating.... so I would happily move and he knows this... its just getting everything else all fixed out.

Follow your heart and go for it!

[norajane]

So my questions...

 

1. Am I right in thinking that if/when the distance becomes a problem that it would make more sense for ME to move to HIM?

 

2. WHEN (as in, how long into the relationship) should we seriously start considering a move?

 

3. HOW would this move go down? Do folks ordinarily move in together, or would I get my own place??

 

Any advice/insight would be great.

1. Whether it makes more sense or not for you to move, it sounds like it's your only option since he will defiinitely not move.

 

2. When you're both ready to get more serious about your relationship and are open to the idea of a future together. You and your bf are the only ones who can answer the 'when' question.

 

3. I'd recommend getting your own place at first. Not only will it be easier if things don't work out in the end, you also need to establish a life for yourself by yourself in the new city so that you are not dependant on him for house and friends. It's likely he'll need to prepare his children for you living in the house with them as well, so they're going to need some time to get used to the fact that you're in their father's life and are around all the time.

[tanbark813]

1. Given the listed reasons, I think it makes sense for you to be the one to move.

 

2. I would think around a year into the relationship would be a good time to seriously discuss things.

 

3. Moving in together when you finally do move would make more sense, IMO. It would also ease some of the financial burden from changing jobs and the move itself.