I'm totally and utterly heartbroken.

[Ladyjane14]

....but I've just discovered who my wife's online/text message fling is with. I now know how they met online, I know what he does for a job, I know what he does in his spare time, and I know where he lives. And, I now know how they're chatting without using MSN, etc. It's amazing what a network packet sniffer can do, eh.

 

;o))

 

Remember, she's almost 38 (I'm almost 33), married with 2 kids, and this guy is a 24 year old student who lives abroad, who's into the same things as I am - watersports, he works in advertising, etc, etc. In fact, reading his online 'profile' virtually describes me when I was 24. Bleh. Now, excuse me, but this is all sounding so damned ridiculous to me now.

 

So your wife is blatently lying to this 24-year old kid???

 

Hmmmm... I wonder what would happen if you sent the kid an email and straightened him out with the actual FACTS. (????)

 

That's something to think about anyway. You know your situation best, and you're more likely to predict the fall-out from contacting this guy than any of us. So what do you think would happen?

 

Has your wife had a depression screening, btw? She sounds like she could REALLY use some kind of psychiatric evaluation. Has she seen her medical doctor recently, and is s/he aware of her emotional issues?

[uksurfer]

So your wife is blatently lying to this 24-year old kid???

 

Yeah, I'm fairly sure she has done. I read a conversation where she'd told him that she surfs all the time, when she actually hates the water. But I'm not entirely sure what else she's told him.

 

Hmmmm... I wonder what would happen if you sent the kid an email and straightened him out with the actual FACTS. (????)

 

That's something to think about anyway. You know your situation best, and you're more likely to predict the fall-out from contacting this guy than any of us. So what do you think would happen?

 

Again, not too sure, and I'm not certain of what she has actually said. She wouldn't be best pleased, though, I can tell you that.

 

Has your wife had a depression screening, btw? She sounds like she could REALLY use some kind of psychiatric evaluation. Has she seen her medical doctor recently, and is s/he aware of her emotional issues?

 

No and no. I kinda suggested that she go to the docs a week or two ago, but she's dead set against it, and won't entertain the idea that this might be a problem. Personally, I sometimes think that depression is playing a part in this, but I'm not certain.

 

As an aside, I heard the kids wake up this morning (from the spare room, of course) and went to check on them. I took them in to see my wife in our room and we all sat on the bed for a while. Then the kids went off and played in their rooms, I got into our bed and she let me play with her hair for 45 minutes or so - something she always loved me doing. Nothing was said, but it felt nice and normal.

[johan]

Hmmmm... I wonder what would happen if you sent the kid an email and straightened him out with the actual FACTS. (????)

 

I don't think it would achieve much. Maybe he'd back off, but it won't change what's going on with her. It's not going to change her feelings. She'd probably just troll around on the internet looking for other surrogates.

 

Has your wife had a depression screening, btw? She sounds like she could REALLY use some kind of psychiatric evaluation. Has she seen her medical doctor recently, and is s/he aware of her emotional issues?

 

I like this idea. I think it would just pop out a lot of stuff that would reveal she's changed. This woman, and the others here who do this to good guys, freaks me out.

 

Were there no signs? No doubts you had at the start? Things you ignored thinking they would go away or fix themselves?

[cookieboy]

she's playing around with you, uksurfer. she does what she wants because she knos that you ill take her crap.which wife in her good mind, would suddenly decide to get up and walk out on you and your kids??????from what i sense there (emails, her fantasies, etc) she seems to have a depression problem. she better go seek help and to check herself before she wrecks herself.

and also mr uksurfer, stach detaching yourself from her. get some kind of "emotional unglueing compound" for yourself and be happy.i have no doubt she will come round in no time, once she checks herself...........

any advice ol ' chap, let me know..

[uksurfer]

Were there no signs? No doubts you had at the start? Things you ignored thinking they would go away or fix themselves?

 

Not really. I've always been conscious that our finances are in a bit of a poor state, and there were arguments over that. Thinking a bit more about it, she's been really short with the kids lately, too. For example, this afternoon (after our 5 year old's b'day party) I've sat on the floor for hours playing with him and his new toys, while she's sat on the sofa all afternoon with her laptop - no doubt IM-ing people - and listening to music on headphones.

 

I'm not saying she's not interested in the kids - she loves them to pieces. It just seems like being on her laptop or reading magazines seems to be more important to her a lot of the time. Like, she'll get mad if one of the kids asks for juice or something as simple as that.

 

And yep, cookieboy, I am taking a lot of crap right now which I'm genuinely starting to tire of - it's mostly down to her temper with the kids and the house. I think that's all part of some kind of automatic emotional detatchment thing kicking in on my part.

 

However, I'm more and more thinking that depression is at least a part cause in this, but I really have no way of suggesting that to her right now. So, short of slipping some Prozac in her tea each morning, I'm stuck. Any ideas?

 

By the way, I found a little bit more about some of the guys she's chatting to online - they're as young as 22.

[cookieboy]

whoa??? on her laptop all afternoon, sitting on the sofa, while you are playing with ur kid, on his birthday?????? and getting annoyed when he asks her for juice????from what i know, ANY MOTHER would get up and go and get it for the kid...... i feel sorry that he got a grazing from her..

which proves that she no longer gives a damn about anybody.i hope that u keep a record of all these things in a book. if u argue with her again, and she says hurtful things to try and put you down,record that too. hat she just did there is so heartless, foolish and not good. i advise u to take your notes, and please keep the book hidden far away. evidence like this ill do u well in the courts, if u have to go and testify. that will ram her into the wall ,boy .

buddy, continue detachment, this woman ain't worth s*** and u have to start affirming it by your actions, friend or no friend to her. she had no right to do you this. i think she needs a dose of her own medicine.

SHE HAS ISSUES, TELL HER TO GET A LIFE AND LEAVE HER DAMNED PC ALONE, SHE LIVING A DREAM, NOT REAL LIFE.

that's how i feel...........................................

[uksurfer]

Well the juice thing is just an example. She's just *really* irritable with the kids, and most other things, come to think of it, and especially lately the kids have been really clingy to me.

 

The thing is, she's not always been like this. Like I said, before recently, she was my best friend as well as my wife and we all really did used to have a great time together - and that includes the kids.

 

She's changed so much, and I don't know why she's doing this to us. But I just don't want to lose her, either.

[cookieboy]

well the kids have no choice but to cling onto you. mommy is already snapping them out. I don't think your wife realises that can have an effect/impact on them, in the long term, seeing you guys not getting on well, plus snapping at them like like that.boy she better watch herself. children's minds are like sponges. once they see what is going on, they will remember, and if they make it into teen years, they will be a handful.

uksurfer, i'll say it again. you got to loosen up a bit. being afraid to lose her will ruin your present state of mind. you are making good progress. by the way, do you pray??? having a strong faith in god really helps, it does work.

also try sending some stuff into your subconscious mind. every day affirm to yourself , early morning/late evening/when you have a quiet moment for at least 5 mins- tell yourself over and over, like a mantra - " i'm letting go of(put her name here)easily and slowly.she is making her own choice and it has nothing to do with me. I am calm and relaxed in this situation.(relax your whole body as u say this, concentrate, clear your head) no matter how challenging it may seem". once u keep doing this on a regular basis, your mind will begin take root of this, until you really beleive it. u will feel less anxious and desperate about getting her back,and you will feel freer for it.

hope this helps.bro

[uksurfer]

I'm writing her a frank letter telling her how ridiculous all of this is. Hopefully pointing out to her what she's doing in writing will open her eyes a little more to the situation from someone else's point of view.

 

I mean, every night she blatantly sits there and chats to guys online here in our living room. I don't think she knows that I know she's doing it, though. And remember, she only told me our marriage was over around 2-3 weeks ago.

 

That's the cruellest thing anyone could ever do. And it's also why I just don't think she's in the right frame of mind. I've known her for 6 1/2 years now, and she's just not been the kind of person who would do that.

 

How would she feel if it was me sitting in the same room flirting all night with a bunch of 20-something girls?? Actually, given the current circumstances, that sounds like just what I need...

 

Here's a question: I can set our router at home to block certain websites. Should I block the site she's using to chat and flirt with all these younger guys? She doesn't know that I know she uses this site, and she's not likely to ask me whether I've blocked the site she's flirting on, because that will mean she has to come clean. Heh.

[mysticflea]

Hey buddy, I really wouldnt be too concerned with the online thing. Sometimes it is the addiction of just communicating with someone who has a fresh perspective. As you have said you know it is all fantasy and nothing coud ever come of it. If she was chatting with other men at the bar that would be different. She also knows deep down that nothing could ever come of her talking online especially if she is lying about herself.

I feel like if you believe you have a chance you should somehow make her feel special. I think she need that right now, from the sounds of it.

 

The letter thing, be careful how you word it, the last thing you need to do right now is look needy and beg.

[uksurfer]

Yeah I see your point. The letter is more telling her how damned stupid this all sounds, rather than begging and appearing to be needy. I think someone needs to point all this crap out to her.

 

But yeah, it would be difficult to write a letter without giving that needy message. I'll think about that a little longer.

 

Addicted to online chatting? Jeez. Every. Single. Night. She gets in from work, and bang, the laptop is open and on her knee. She's up late every night, too, when just 3 or 4 weeks ago, we always went to bed at the same time.

 

Come to think of it, here's another stupid thing she's said. She's complained that that some nights I was working late and she never got to see me. But on another occasion, she's also complained that we always went to be at the same time - and apparently that was a problem, too.

 

Gah. Women.

 

See, my big issue with the online thing is that she's listed her profile as being 'single', 'looking for dates', and 'lusting after younger men'. All word for word. She's using her real age, too. And the damn photo she has on there is one that I took. Bleh.

 

Yep, and then there's the making her feel special part. To be honest, right now I think that's just gonna get on her tits, and she'll think I'm bugging her. Especially tonight - she's in an awful mood.

 

As you can probably tell, I'm getting pretty tired of all this, and I think the the way she's behaving through all this is making my anger phase start to kick in.

 

Fireworks time, eh?

[DesperateDad]

All I can say is try to be cool. I'm pretty sure that getting angry won't help the situation, but it does sound like there need to be some boundaries. Hopefully, someone wiser and more experienced than I am can chime in with some good advice here...

[uksurfer]

I keep snapping now, and I just can't help it. It's damned childish, I know, but jeez.

 

She has me over a barrel, and I can't believe she's doing this to me. The angle she's (not directly) communicating is that I need to back down and accept what she's done and just live as 'friends' until she can afford to move out. How can anyone possibly live in the same house with someone they completely adore who's just done that to them, though? How can I just calmly accept that my 6 year relationship is done and dusted in just 2 weeks, and that I don't even get any kind of say in this?

 

But the killer is that if I make it difficult for her (which I'm getting dangerously close to doing, btw) she says she's gonna take the kids away.

 

So I'm just supposed to sit here and stew quietly in this while she gets on with her life and gets it on with her online 'friends'. How can she expect me to just sit back and take this?

 

f***. Two and a half weeks ago, everything was normal round here.

[Ladyjane14]

I'll be frank with you..... I'd get a lawyer and file for divorce before I'd play "roommates" with my own spouse. If that set me back financially, I'd be willing to live cheap, just so long as I could be FREE from the daily aggravation of a disrespectful partner.

[cookieboy]

OH YES!!! I AGREE WITH LADYJANE- yess!!!!!!!!!!!!. NO MORE PLAN A/B NONSENSE. THIS IS AN ACT OF WAR!!!

UKSURFER, GO RIGHT AHEAD AND FILE FOR THE DIVORCE , FIRST THING TOMORROW. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW. SHE'LL JUST SEE THE PAPERS THROUGH THE PIGEONHOLE, WHEN THE POSTMAN BRINGS IT. DO IT AND DO IT FASST BEFORE SHE DOES IT FIRST. THAT WILL OUGHT TO WAKE HER HER UP, BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING UP HER ALLEY, THAT'S WHY U HAVE TO MOVE FAST. AND GO AND DATE GIRLS , HAVE FUN BUDDY, SCREW HER.SHE AIN'T WORTH IT!!!!!!

 

like i told you, this woman is taking you for a ride. so get off your lovey-dovey ass and start dropping the divorce "napalm" on her village.raze it flat. take no prisoners. no survivors

 

sorry about the bold text. i'm angry right now myself from what i am reading here and i feel for you........

 

ladyjane- you are 1 straight , strong, seasoned woman and i admire you for that.we must talk, baby.........

[cookieboy]

and don't forget to try out what i tell you. that will give you the mind like hitler- heartless for her

[uksurfer]

f***, I so *don't* want this to happen. Right now, I love her more than anything. That's something I just can't switch off in 2 weeks.

 

But she's told me tonight that she won't even read the letter I've given her. She's said that nothing I can say or do will change this now.

 

So I guess that's game over.

 

The best 6 years of my life down the pan just like that.

 

Jesus.

[uksurfer]

Ack. After that little talk we've just had a couple of minutes ago, hope has just crapped out on me from a great height. Onwards and upwards, eh? No more money problems for me from now on, either. Woo.

 

AND GO AND DATE GIRLS

 

Bring 'em on.

 

Gotta think of the positives. f***, is this the right way to cope??

[cookieboy]

now you're talking my language!!! go and get the girls, man. that's the only way you can forget about that woman fast!!!!!! please affirm to yourself what i told u.you gotta try. and stop beating yourself up. she aint interested in your letter ,far less u. so start going in the opposite direction. i feel that u are very obsessed with her, and that's what you dominating your mind. why give and not getting back, not even a crumb. go and get the girls. you should bring one home and introduce her to your wife as a your "friend"- boy, she'll hit the roof with shock and awe. surprise!!! if u think u can do and get away, i can do too!!!!!

[cookieboy]

it's happening now, accept it and deal with it aggressively, your self esteem is at stake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cookieboy]

and get rid of her. you don't deserve such disrepect. tell her TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY FACE. YOU RUINED MY LIFE AND CHILDREN.NO MORE MR. NICE GUY.

[uksurfer]

i feel that u are very obsessed with her, and that's what you dominating your mind.

 

I am (was?) because I'd put my life into this relationship and marriage.

 

She's donwstairs now IM-ing this 24 year old student and they're telling each other that they'll "get together soon". Damn sad state of affairs.

 

Oh, and I gotta stop tapping into these conversations, too. It aint doing me any good whatsoever.

[cookieboy]

cut your losses, you got to let go at some point , dammit. the sooner u do it, the better.i know that's a lot of time to invest in someone, but i hope u learn now that it doesn't pay to trust people too much especially a woman

[cookieboy]

pardon me, like HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not meant to disrespect any women, though.

[Ladyjane14]

You know....bad as it looks, it's probably not entirely hopeless. The online fantasy stuff is fairly addictive. It's almost like the person you knew has mentally checked out and left a space-alien body-snatcher in her place. She probably has limited awareness of what you're going through...despite EVERYTHING you've said to her. She's too distracted and warped in her thinking to see her situation with clarity.

 

It wasn't until I'd gone to a lawyer and demanded a divorce that my husband snapped out of it and started taking me seriously.

Now, only YOU will know when that kind of ultimatum merits use in your situation. It's important that you be able to deal with the consequences of either outcome.

 

For me, it wasn't an ultimatum at all. At the time, I seriously intended to divorce my husband. He was earnest in his desire to save the marriage though, so I reconsidered my decision. But make no mistake...when you put out an ultimatum it can go either way.