I'm totally and utterly heartbroken.

[uksurfer]

it doesn't pay to trust people too much especially a woman (like her)

 

f***, that is so true. And I had complete trust in her. I really did. A couple of hours ago, she told me that she had no plans to meet with this kid. So I left her downstairs. Then, I've only just watched an IM conversation between the two of them where they've tried to arrange this weekend together, flight times, the lot. Only she can't afford it.

 

Jesus, this thread is like watching a plane crash in slow motion.

 

You know....bad as it looks, it's probably not entirely hopeless.

 

Nope. Tonight, I can assure you that it's gone from bad to worse, and then it's kept on going right down through the floor to hopeless.

 

The online fantasy stuff is fairly addictive. It's almost like the person you knew has mentally checked out and left a space-alien body-snatcher in her place. She probably has limited awareness of what you're going through...despite EVERYTHING you've said to her. She's too distracted and warped in her thinking to see her situation with clarity.

 

Y'know, that sounds about right. I keep saying it, but this just isn't her. Or at least it's not the 'her' that i've known for 6 1/2 years. I think she does have an exceptionally limited awareness of what I'm going through - she expected me to just accept that it was over instantly, and to NOT try to not try to salvage our marriage, and she got mad when I did try to salvage it. Why would I NOT try? I love this girl more than anything, yet she's just not accepting that that is possible for some reason.

 

So, right, here's another question for everyone. When something like this happens to you, how the hell do you ever trust anyone again in a relationship?

[dgiirl]

So, right, here's another question for everyone. When something like this happens to you, how the hell do you ever trust anyone again in a relationship?

 

Still trying to figure out that one myself Although, I havent met anyone to get into a relationship with just yet. But I am determined to not let my ex win by making me bitter. By not trusting people, you dont hurt the one who hurt you, and you only cheat yourself out of what could be an amazing relationship.

 

But it will take time, and right now is too early for you to worry about relationships. Take a break from it all together and just focus on YOU.

[uksurfer]

By not trusting people, you dont hurt the one who hurt you, and you only cheat yourself out of what could be an amazing relationship.

 

Yeah, you're dead right. And I'm the kind who does trust people 110%. Or at least I *was*.

 

But it will take time, and right now is too early for you to worry about relationships. Take a break from it all together and just focus on YOU.

 

Bleh. Bring on those girls cookieboy mentioned. Let me focus on them instead...

 

(I am only joking by the way. This has seriously f***ed me up.)

[feistybutloving]

I'm sorry to hear your going through this, seperation is not the solution every relationship has there ups and downs. And now it's time to get a grip on it. This effects the children too. What you need to do is find the root of the problem and if it's financial there is options out there for you and if not try to start eliminating your small bills first it may be rough the first year or two but it's worth it watch your spending! It's time for your wife to snap out of it life's to short! It sounds like she feels overwhelmed, streesed, confined and confussed she is going through a phrase at the momenet stand by her I know you both love each other and remember it's never to late. ????? When was the last time you two spent time together alone? The little things count a walk in the park or woods a drive down town a walk through the mall even watching a movie together you need to spend time with her alone and as a family get a sitter both of you need a break get out and have fun I have three sons 6,8 and 12 and would go insane if I didn't have time for my self. Thank god there father has them every other weekend.

[dgiirl]

Bleh. Bring on those girls cookieboy mentioned. Let me focus on them instead...

 

(I am only joking by the way. This has seriously f***ed me up.)

 

it's great that you still have a sense of humour. Trust me, it's a HUGE help. Initially i wanted to join a convent. For some reason, everyone laughed and said "No you dont"

[uksurfer]

I'm sorry to hear your going through this, seperation is not the solution every relationship has there ups and downs. And now it's time to get a grip on it. This effects the children too. What you need to do is find the root of the problem and if it's financial there is options out there for you and if not try to start eliminating your small bills first it may be rough the first year or two but it's worth it watch your spending! It's time for your wife to snap out of it life's to short! It sounds like she feels overwhelmed, streesed, confined and confussed she is going through a phrase at the momenet stand by her I know you both love each other and remember it's never to late. ????? When was the last time you two spent time together alone? The little things count a walk in the park or woods a drive down town a walk through the mall even watching a movie together you need to spend time with her alone and as a family get a sitter both of you need a break get out and have fun I have three sons 6,8 and 12 and would go insane if I didn't have time for my self. Thank god there father has them every other weekend.

 

You know, this is virtually the exact same thing that I've been trying to say to her. I would *love* to spend some time going out with her - we used to have the best time when we did that. And if she denies that we did have a good time, she's really losing it.

 

I honestly think that getting out more together and having a bit more fun would have been the answer. It's sad that something as simple as that has turned into this, but then I've always been the one who was prepared to put up with the s*** times, was ready and able to get through them, and look forward to when things would get better. Obviously she just focused on the s*** times and couldn't see things getting better. It's my opinion that being married does have its ups and downs, and that even through the s*** times you just have to make the best of it.

 

She was always very, very impatient, by the way, and obviously just couldn't wait. So she jumped out.

 

The problem is that she's shut down all communication now - she won't even entertain the idea that things will get better, and she says she won't even put any effort into trying.

 

Now, she's far too wrapped up in this internet affair to try to patch things up. I mean, this guy is 24 years old and last night they were planning over IM for her to fly out there and visit him - because his parents were away for that weekend.

 

His PARENTS!!! JESUS H. CHRIST!

 

Remember, she's 38 in a couple weeks, is married with 2 kids, she's throwing everything I've lived, dreamed and hoped for down the pan, and is now obsessing over some kid who lives with his parents.

 

She's also now told me that she actually wanted us to split up a long time ago. Well that's news to me - and why the hell string me along and let me think everything was OK for so long?

 

That's an even nastier thing to do, goddamit.

 

 

Initially i wanted to join a convent.

 

I quite fancy that, too, but I don't think my legs are good enough.

[uksurfer]

Remember, she's 38 in a couple weeks, is married with 2 kids, she's throwing everything I've lived, dreamed and hoped for down the pan, and is now obsessing over some kid who lives with his parents.

Ack. I need some reassurance here. What she's doing just isn't normal, rational behaviour, is it? Please tell me that this all sounds a bit wacked out to you guys, too. I just want to make sure it's not me going crazy.

 

And on another note, here's a piece of advice I can give that some of you might find useful. If you ever get to be in this position, make sure you get a final answer from him/her. Find out for definite whether it's worth you trying to save your relationship. Don't hang on if there's no hope there. You'll make yourself ill. It's a tough question to ask, and you need to be prepared for the worst case answer, but it's the first big step you have to take towards getting yourself back on track.

 

I asked last night and got the answer I really didn't want.

 

But because of that, today I feel like it's the first day I can actually do some of this work I've had piled up from the last 3 weeks.

 

I've been putting *all* of my energy into thinking of ways to save this relationship, when there was actually no real point in doing that all along.

 

It's drained me totally. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can't stop thinking of what I've lost, but at least I can stop thinking of how I might be able to bring it back.

[Woggle]

Actually this is not whacked out. It is normal behavior from women and there are many many men goping through the same things as you. It is just her being a woman.

[Ladyjane14]

Ack. I need some reassurance here. What she's doing just isn't normal, rational behaviour, is it? Please tell me that this all sounds a bit wacked out to you guys, too. I just want to make sure it's not me going crazy.

 

No....it doesn't sound especially "rational" to me.

But that's not particularly relevant in terms of what YOU are doing. You're letting yourself get bogged down in somebody else's behavior. You already know that she's acting out in a way that's unseemly for a married woman. And you already know that she's behaving in an irresponsible manner.

 

But you don't have to internalize her issues. This isn't really about you. It's about her.

 

I can't remember if you have 'exposed' her or not. (????) Are her parents still living? What would they say if they knew how she's behaving? Do her friends and coworkers know?

 

Exposure is something for you to think about. It's not something that you do from the standpoint of vengeance. And while I don't believe in sweeping things up under the carpet and 'covering' for a WS...I don't think it's right to "expose" to anybody who can't be of influence in guiding a WS back onto the path either. It's a tool that should be used carefully.

 

I think I would expose to her important people, the ones whose opinions she cares about. And I'd likely expose her to her online friend(s) too. She might become persona non grata in her little circle of buddies if she's caught out lying. On the other hand, they might throw her a pity party for having a 'mean' husband, who know? Either way...it's a spoke in the wheel as long as YOU don't allow yourself to get caught up in the drama.

 

It can be argued that you can't control another person's choices, and that she'll just find another way to thwart you. But it beats the heck out of standing on the sidelines waiting for your spouse to "fly out there and visit him - because his parents were away for that weekend". Heck, I'd expose to the boy's parents too if I could find a way.

 

Yeah....she'll go off like a ballistic missile. But it's kind of like throwing a bucket of cold water on her. She'll sputter and shake, but exposure in and of itself isn't usually the deal-breaker. It's just introducing REALITY into the situation. She doesn't really think that she can run off with a 24 year-old and nobody's ever going to notice, does she?

 

I can't tell you what to do, but what I would do....is to cool my heels for a few more weeks in Plan A. No lovebusting at all. And no tipping my hand while getting ready for Plan B. I'd see an attorney, and prepare to legalize separation. I'd make arrangements for keeping custody of my kids and staying FIRMLY in the home. I'd continue to gather evidence, and I'd keep my journal up to date. I would take command of my finances.

 

Once I had reached a position of control.... I'd dump the entire contents of the 'consequences bucket' over her head all at once. I'd have her put out of the home if possible, and I'd certainly expose her perfidy to anyone of influence. (But NOT to the children! Kids should only get age-appropriate information.)

 

There's something to be said for 'poking holes' in the fantasy bubble. But you know...it sounds like your WW is bulletproof on that count. From what you're saying, I don't think she'd even notice any "poking". So, if it was me...I'd get my ducks in a row and completely POP the bubble in one fell swoop. With any luck, the kerplunk of falling back to earth might wake her up a little bit.

[uksurfer]

Heya LJ - great reply as usual.

 

I know this is all about her and her own issues. I've done absolutely nothing wrong, here. I've had plenty of support from friends and family that have helped me see exactly that - plus the've pointed out a few other issues on her part that I've either been totally loveblind to, or have completely missed. I've kinda been able to move towards accepting it all during the course of today, however, I'll probably fall apart again once she gets home from work. Oh well.

 

Exposure is already part of my plan. Her Mum is coming to stay with 'us' on Monday next week for 10 days, and trust me, I'll make sure she gets to know everything. Actually, it won't be that hard because my wife will be at work, and as I work from home already, there'll be plenty of chances to say something. Then her mum will tell her sisters, etc, etc, etc.

 

Yep, I plan to tell friends, too. I just told a neighbour half an hour ago, and that actually felt pretty good. I think.

 

Not sure what this Plan A and B stuff is all about. I tried to find a concise explanation on the marriagebuilders site, but couldn't. Any ideas on where exactly to look?

 

I'm also getting legal advice early next week.

 

It's funny, last night she was set on either having the kids either 50% of the time as a minimum, or getting full custody - but she was in defensive, argumentative, shut-out mode. Like she know's she's doing something very,very wrong, here. Then this morning, she was all quite meek and apologetic, and suggested that it would be best if I have the kids at least 75% of the time.

 

Best bit of news I've had in 3 weeks.

[uksurfer]

Oh, and would a quick email to this 24 year old kid reminding him of the joys of cellulite in women approaching their 40's, the gravity-based effects of breastfeeding two kids, and the fact that skin tends to stretch a lot after having children, be a good idea??

 

[Ladyjane14]

Oh, and would a quick email to this 24 year old kid reminding him of the joys of cellulite in women approaching their 40's, the gravity-based effects of breastfeeding two kids, and the fact that skin tends to stretch a lot after having children, be a good idea??

 

 

I'd say that's a LoveBuster...but I can understand the temptation.

 

From the Home Page, go to the inset box at the bottom right. Click HT Survive Infidelity. Plan A and Plan B is at the bottom of the gray inbox on the left Q&A Columns. Read as much as you can over there...but it's probably best to stay off the forums...just my current opinion.

[uksurfer]

From the Home Page, go to the inset box at the bottom right. Click HT Survive Infidelity.

 

Yep, that's what I was looking for. Thanks.

 

Having said that, neither will work. She doesn't even want to try to fix this at all. It's simply become a case of letting her go off and do what she wants. If she realises she's making a jackass of herself and wants back in after X months or whatever, then it's down to me to decide whether that's right for me.

 

Or not.

 

Time will tell.

 

But I'm not betting the farm on it.

[stillafool]

She's refusing to go to any kind of counselling, and she's adamant that it's over between us. But I can't help feeling that once she has a complete break from this situation we've gotten ourselves into she'll miss what we had.

 

Well I'm a woman and I have to tell you when a woman gets to the above stage and tells you the things about her she's told you - it's over!!! The worst thing you can do is try to get her back. That will make her start to lose all respect and hate you. The only time it works to try to get a woman back is when she has caught you cheating. Then she wants you to beg for her back, but if she has told you she doesn't want you anymore and wants to move on - LET HER GO QUICK!!! Don't be a doormat for her.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this and it must hurt tremendously. I've been there with men. What you need to do is make her move out as soon as possible or you move. You will see the faster you get on with your life and stop looking and hearing her everyday the faster you will heal. You are only 32 yrs. old with two small children. You have a long and happy life awaiting you out there. I know it doesn't seem like it now. The way you handle this situation is the way life is going to reward you for being the person you are.

 

Don't lose your temper with her. I know it's hard with children but try to have as little contact with her as possible. You need some type of liason. If you keep the kids make sure she pays you child support. I know all of this sounds cold but what she is doing to you and your kids life is freezing cold. You deserve better and will get it!!!

[uksurfer]

Well I'm a woman and I have to tell you when a woman gets to the above stage and tells you the things about her she's told you - it's over!!!

 

Yeah, you're right. I know that now. I've been spending a little time in denial. But it was a natural instinct for me to try to save our marriage - you can't fault me for that.

 

And yeah, because of the way I've been, I can see any respect she had for me seeping away - especially when I confronted her about the snooping thing. Not that there was much respect there in the first place for her to do this to me, but nevermind, eh. Still, she's the mother of my kids, so I still need to appear to be strong to her, I guess.

 

I know I need to curb my temper, too. I've not shown much of it yet, but I'm starting to come close.

 

The only problem with moving out is the financial side of things. So, I think the only solution is for me to start bringing girls back to the house... mmmm... lots of girls... 24-year-old girls who live at home with their parents, in fact.

 

Gah.

[stillafool]

BTW, don't watch your mouth around her (yes the kids). I would tell her exactly what she is and how dare she tell you if you write a letter she won't even read it. To hell with her. Man up on this and stop your crying son. She doesn't give a hoot about you and the kids. What mother wants her kids with someone else 75% of the time. She wants to be free to screw younger guys and live a single woman's life. Let her go. Trust me, she is not depressed, going thru a mid-life crisis or any of that. This IS her! She was always this person it was just lying dormant. You wouldn't believe some of the scandalous stuff my girlfriends do and tell me about. No, this is a woman who begs to be dogged and will not respond to submissive behavior by a man. If you were cheating on her and seeing another woman she would be all over you like a wet t-shirt. That's the way women are.

[uksurfer]

The way you handle this situation is the way life is going to reward you for being the person you are.

 

Best piece of advice I've ever read on this forum.

 

Good work.

[uksurfer]

BTW, don't watch your mouth around her (yes the kids). I would tell her exactly what she is and how dare she tell you if you write a letter she won't even read it. To hell with her. Man up on this and stop your crying son. She doesn't give a hoot about you and the kids. What mother wants her kids with someone else 75% of the time. She wants to be free to screw younger guys and live a single woman's life. Let her go. Trust me, she is not depressed, going thru a mid-life crisis or any of that. This IS her! She was always this person it was just lying dormant. You wouldn't believe some of the scandalous stuff my girlfriends do and tell me about. No, this is a woman who begs to be dogged and will not respond to submissive behavior by a man. If you were cheating on her and seeing another woman she would be all over you like a wet t-shirt. That's the way women are.

 

I see where you're coming from, but we've actually just had a really calm chat and agreed on a lot of stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to sound off at her, but right now, I don't think it will do any good. The more I'm thinking about this, the more I'm looking forward to a life without the money issues (hers) and some of the other crap I've put up with. And if we can still stay friends, which I think we can, then that's better for everyone, including the kids.

 

And if I'm gonna get the kids most of the time, well then I don't want to jeapardise that, either.

 

Thanks for the advice, though. You sound like you know what you're talking about.

[stillafool]

Like I said I've been there. It was painful to get over, extremely, but I tried to do the right thing and not become bitter or do any harm to anyone. God truly did reward me with a husband who loves and adores me now. Guess what, he also brought new opportunties financially to me. So keep your chin up and you're right it's best to be friends if you can for the kid's sake. However, that will take time to be her friend you first have to heal your heart. I suspect that one day she will look back at you and wonder what in the world did she do. She'll have no one to blame but herself. Good Luck to you and those beautiful kids!

[cookieboy]

so uksurfer, you heard what stillafool said?????????? IS IT IN YOUR HEAD NOW???good!!!! this woman just wanna have fun. let her go and have it.

that's what i was trying to preach to you for the longest while, but u refuse to listen. you want to act all softy around her and crying. this woman clearly has no respect for you and your children.sorry to hear that u invested years in her, but now is the time to cut your losses. next time hen u love again, always hold back for yourself and keep ur expectations loose- and yes-DATE AND CHEAT ON HER

[uksurfer]

Well, her sister came to stay with us last night. My wife had to run out for a few minutes which gave me a chance to expose her to her sister. Then I went out for the evening to give them a chance to talk.

 

So, this morning, as her sister was leaving, I asked her if my wife had told her anything more last night. Her sister replied that she needs to phone me later.

 

What's that all about then?

 

Or should I just stop thinking about all of this?

 

Arrrrgh.

[Whitt]

I'm going to repeat the obvious - midlife crisis. Perhaps you can get you wife to go see a counselor with you. My mom and dad went through this and were seperated for 9 months.

[uksurfer]

Yeah, that's basically what everyone else is saying. It was the first thing her sister said to me yesterday, and also the first thing her mum said to me, too.

 

And she's just not interested in seeing a counsellor at all.

 

I'm just letting her go do whatever it is she needs to do, to be honest. I'm not gonna wait around. As I keep telling myself, it's her loss.

 

Incidentally, was it your mum who had the crisis? And how old were they when it happened, if you don't mind me asking?

[Whitt]

It was my dad, but my family dymanics are different. My dad is the nurturing, compassionate one. My mom is the disaplinarian. I was 18 when it happened. My dad was 48. If I were you, I would just hang in there. Is seems her mother and sister are advising her to work things out. Just give she some time to work things out in her head. Do move on with your life though. Try dating, get a new hobby, find something to keep you busy. Meet new people - this will help you have your own life if she doesn't decide to work things out. Oh, make her miss you - try NC for a month or so.

[uksurfer]

Yep, moving on is what I'm doing. I'm going to put the house on the market soon and get a smaller, cheaper place. That will shake her up. I'm getting out and about a lot more already, too, to be honest.

 

It's just all still so weird to me. Not weird that we've split, as I've just about accepted that now, but weird in the things she's doing. It's like it's just not her anymore, and there's a totally different person sat across the room.

 

The NC thing may be tough with having the two kids and her still living here, but yeah, I'm going to try the best I can. It'll be easier when she's moved out.

 

And then there's the question of would I have her back anyway, if she's gone and hooked up with a load of random guys online - like this 24 year old she's currently involved with.

 

It's a funny old situation.