I Dont Know How To React

[velvet]

I had been friends with a guy for almost a decade and gave him a job with my fathers company when I moved out of state. Five years later I moved back to my home state and could not believe how close he became with my family. He had grown in to a very attractive man. He was in the middle of a divorce with a daughter. I quickly became attracted and asked how he would feel about a more intimate relationship. He agreed and said "we had a thing for each other for many years havent we". During the last year our relationship has been nothing but a love hate relationship. His divorce has been devistating to him and causing problems for us. Hes been hot and cold, here one day and gone for weeks. Does not want us to see other people one day and than doesnt want to be tied down the next. Sometimes I feel like Im just his insurance. His friends come first. He has not introduced me to his three year old daughter yet. And has only spent the night with me 10 times more or less in the past year. Once he said "your putting all your eggs into one basket. You have to get over me". This was said before he stated that he didnt want us to see other people. But I never see him unless its convinent to him. He works from 9-5 like me. I need him at the end of the day. I cant avoid him due to his close relationship with my father. My father tells me to get over him. I sometimes feel like I will have to take a restraining order against him so that I can avoid him easily. If I did that I would never have a chance being with him again. I dont know if I should give him more room to try to get over his fears with a new relationship. I try to be his friend and give him patience. Over the year our relationship has been on/off I have walked on pins and needles around him. If I put my arm around him it causes a conflict. I cant kiss him unless he kisses me first. I have to be his friend and not his lover until he wants sex. He has me all twisted and confused and want answers so bad but he does not want to hear me complain. I still want him.

 

Thank you for any replys

[ringo]

Sounds like he's not over his past marriage and still has things to deal with. Is he officially divorced? Are you sure he's not still in love with his ex wife? Sounds like he's really torn and also that he's an assshole. You've dated a year and he hasnt even introduced you to his daughter? That speaks volumes. Your own Dad tells you to get over him? That's weird. He is treating you badly and the more you put up with it, the more he'll do it. He's your boyfriend when, and only when it's convenient for him (sex). He's a pig and an ingrate. He's not going to change. You might have to consider finding a new job so that you don't have to see him at work as your Dad can't obviously fire him. Maybe he could offer him a transfer? Forget this jerk. Sounds to me like he's got reasons to act like he's still single..like maybe he's not really divorced? Maybe he's seeing someone else? Guys don't act that rudely to their girlfriends unless there's a reason. Break off all contact with him as soon as possible. You don't even owe him an explanation. Make a vow to yourself to never let a man treat you like dirt again. Sit down and realize what a good person you are, and how you deserve so much better. Maybe now you see why his marriage didn't work? Stay strong, be tough, don't give in. Men like this don't ever change, they just end up making you eternally miserable and depressed. Why did his marriage end, by the way?

I had been friends with a guy for almost a decade and gave him a job with my fathers company when I moved out of state. Five years later I moved back to my home state and could not believe how close he became with my family. He had grown in to a very attractive man. He was in the middle of a divorce with a daughter. I quickly became attracted and asked how he would feel about a more intimate relationship. He agreed and said "we had a thing for each other for many years havent we". During the last year our relationship has been nothing but a love hate relationship. His divorce has been devistating to him and causing problems for us. Hes been hot and cold, here one day and gone for weeks. Does not want us to see other people one day and than doesnt want to be tied down the next. Sometimes I feel like Im just his insurance. His friends come first. He has not introduced me to his three year old daughter yet. And has only spent the night with me 10 times more or less in the past year. Once he said "your putting all your eggs into one basket. You have to get over me". This was said before he stated that he didnt want us to see other people. But I never see him unless its convinent to him. He works from 9-5 like me. I need him at the end of the day. I cant avoid him due to his close relationship with my father. My father tells me to get over him. I sometimes feel like I will have to take a restraining order against him so that I can avoid him easily. If I did that I would never have a chance being with him again. I dont know if I should give him more room to try to get over his fears with a new relationship. I try to be his friend and give him patience. Over the year our relationship has been on/off I have walked on pins and needles around him. If I put my arm around him it causes a conflict. I cant kiss him unless he kisses me first. I have to be his friend and not his lover until he wants sex. He has me all twisted and confused and want answers so bad but he does not want to hear me complain. I still want him. Thank you for any replys

[Miss Mojo]

hi velvet,

 

wow. this guy has issues that certainly don't sound like they will be overcome in a short space of time. this is one messed up dude you are referring to here. not only does this guy have issues regarding committment and an ex-wife, but his actions and his words speak volumes about the way he perceives you. judging from your post, this guy does not want to be with you, but is yet to actually come out directly and say, "i don't want a relationship". he has done it in many other indirect ways.

 

the following points in your post really grabbed my attention. maybe if you look over them again yourself, you'll see why i feel you are shortchanging yourself by staying with him:-

 

a) He said: "You have to get over me".

 

well.....this is the catch-cry of a guy who doesn't have the balls to say, "i want out of this relationship". he is telling you in a roundabout way that he is not a keeper and things will not progress into anything.

 

b) I never see him unless its convenient to him.

 

it's only on when he wants it on because he does not take your feelings, or this "relationship" seriously. he is being selfish and self-absorbed. he is not committed.

 

c) My father tells me to get over him.

 

our parents are always the ones with the greatest insight. you said your father knows this man very well. do you think your father knows something you don't know?

 

d) Does not want us to see other people one day and than doesnt want to be tied down the next.

 

he is waaaaay to confused to even consider being in a relationship. he probably has no idea what he wants right now and is just strining you along anyway. that is really fair....not.

 

e) His divorce has been devastating to him

 

divorces are never easy. they cause an awful lot of pain. is it possible he is not over his ex-wife yet? if it was her idea for a divorce, then it's even more likely he's not over her.

 

f) If I put my arm around him it causes a conflict. I cant kiss him unless he kisses me first. I have to be his friend and not his lover until he wants sex.

 

i have an ex who treated me exactly like this, BECAUSE I LET HIM. this is NOT how you treat a person you supposedly care about. think about your statement above.....he is basically using you when he feels like it and you are putting up with it. don't put yourself in a situation that constitutes emotional abuse. he knows he has it over you in this relationship, and he will continue to do so because he gets what he wants from you, when he wants it regardless of how you feel.

 

f) I need him at the end of the day.

 

can i ask why you need a person like this who is so obviously messed up? this is an incredibly unhealthy situation. why do you need it? i was once in a very similar situation to yours and it reached the point where my self-esteem hit rock bottom and i actually felt i needed the bastard. i had no concept of what i really deserved. i became so emotionally weak and was depending on someone who gave me nothing but grief because. i was living on the faintest glimmer of hope that oneday, he would change and respect me. nuh uh. it does not work like that.

 

can you see how you are letting him make you feel about yourself and your life? can you honestly say you want to continue living like this? i hate to be blunt, but you are sure wasting your time with someone who is so screwed up, that you cannot save.

 

g) He has me all twisted and confused.

 

this is not how a relationship should make you feel. you need to realise that a huge part of the reason you are feeling all twisted and confused is because you continue to pursue this man.

 

the only change you are likely to bring about or experience is your own. and that means getting out of this mess that is emotionally screwing you up.

 

do yourself a favour and get out of this relationship, because it's going downhill fast. he is dragging you down with him.

 

this guy needs to be on his own and he has problems that probably only a professional can assist him with. he seems far too distant for you to ever be able to reach and from my past experience, you will only make things 10 times worse by hanging around and hoping that you can help him.

 

best wishes