Is it finally OVER?

[teacher]

My ex of 3 months emailed me recently to tell me that he misses me and thinks he regrets breaking up, that he feels we could have had a good happy life together... so we ended up talking (this whole time he has a new girlfriend) and basically he just wanted to let me know this info, but didnt want me to do anything about it... I let him know how selfish I thought he was, etc. And he asked would I get back with him IF he broke up with his g-friend. I told him I coudnt even respond to that hypothetical situation if he was with her. I told him he would have to break up with her first before we even had that convo- that I didnt know whether or not I could ever trust him again. I also said I didnt know if he was capable of working that hard at something... He said he didnt know if he wanted to risk losing her, if he didnt know for sure that I would get back with him (psycho) Meanwhile, they have been together for 2 months. He started dating her not even a month after we broke up.

 

SO, i told him to not contact me anymore, that if he missed me to not let me know, ESP. if he still has a girlfreind. I said that I have been moving on, and forgetting him, and not speaking to him has helped me to do that, and I want to continue to do that. After we hung up, I sent him the following email...

 

I do hope that one day down the road we could be friends and talk every once in a while... I'm just not there yet. And by that time, neither of us will probably even care anymore. Even though you drive me nuts, I just want you to know I don't think you are a bad person. And even though I think you were unfair to me and very selfish in the end, i will always remember the good memories and fun times that we had, because we definitely had plenty of them, esp. our late night talks, and board game nights lol. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope that feeling is mutual. By the way, I still think about your family, even miss them sometimes, funny because I didn't know them that well, but they were really nice to me, and I liked them, esp. ________. Anyway, I hope that they are all well.

 

it's too bad, really, i think there was something strong and special between us & I thought we could have had a fun/good life together. Oh well, everything happens for a reason, and I guess one day we will both figure out why our paths crossed.

 

Take care and be honest with yourself and with your new girlfriend.

 

Do you think that was bad? I felt I needed to do the closure thing once more.

 

Advice? Thoughts?

[GB111]

I like it, and I especially like your firm stance on him having a girlfriend. If he really loves you, he can dump her and you can talk about it. You are NOT a consolation prize, nor should you be the motivating force in him forcing the other woman to deal with loss. Who's to say that he won't go back to her after 2 months with you???

 

I hope this helps you find closure, and wish you all the best. You are clearly a respectful, thoughtful, and mature individual.

 

Best,

 

GB

[Numbheart]

He said he didnt know if he wanted to risk losing her, if he didnt know for sure that I would get back with him (psycho)

 

I'm curious as to why you call him a psycho for this?

If he'd rather be with you, but thinks there is no hope and knows he needs to progress and move on, but has honestly asked you, then what he said appears to make sense to me, even if it is rather like having your cake and eating it, I can understand his perspective.

 

I also see it as if you did say you would be back with him, and then he left her and things did not work out with you, that you would be blamed for him losing his last relationship.....maybe I just answered my own curiosity?!

 

However, telling him you could not even respond to the hypothetical situation if he was with her is an ultimatum on your behalf......whats he suposed to do?,... end it with her just to see your true answer (which sounds like it would be a big fat no anyway)

 

At this moment in time from what you have written, you still sound like you are way to bitter for anything to progress.

[GB111]

Hmmmm. Interesting perspective, Numbheart. I see your point of view. I guess we were looking at the problem a bit differently.

 

If my ex was dating someone else (She is!) and she came back to me and said "Well, I'd like to be with you, but ??? is comfortable if you're not available" I'd be insulted. If you love me so darn much, what are you doing with them in the first place? You're being dishonest and unfair to the person you're with. I guess I'm saying that if he's comfortable enough where he is, go ahead and play it out with the other woman. I'm not available! If he's already having doubts that she's "the one" after 2 months, than she isn't. Believe me, he'll be on the market again soon either because he breaks up with her or she senses his disinterest (BTW, don't ever underestimate a woman's ability to tell when you're not 100% mentally with them.)

 

Best,

 

GB

[Numbheart]

Hmmmm. Interesting perspective, Numbheart. I see your point of view. I guess we were looking at the problem a bit differently.

 

If my ex was dating someone else (She is!) and she came back to me and said "Well, I'd like to be with you, but ??? is comfortable if you're not available" I'd be insulted. If you love me so darn much, what are you doing with them in the first place? You're being dishonest and unfair to the person you're with. I guess I'm saying that if he's comfortable enough where he is, go ahead and play it out with the other woman. I'm not available! If he's already having doubts that she's "the one" after 2 months, than she isn't. Believe me, he'll be on the market again soon either because he breaks up with her or she senses his disinterest (BTW, don't ever underestimate a woman's ability to tell when you're not 100% mentally with them.)

 

 

Best,

 

GB

 

Yes mate, I see where your coming from, thats the beauty of different opinions

 

From what I gather, your ex left you for someone else, whereas Teachers ex has got together with someone a month after they split (please either of you correct me if I'm wrong)

If I'm right, then HUGE difference.

 

If I'm wrong, then I would agree, that his relationship is going to be bitting dust at some point, however, he may be unaware of that at the moment, I have no idea who dumped who and for what reasons so I'm only looking at what I see.

 

I wouldnt be insulted if it had been me who had dumped them, making them think they had to move on, and they then did, only to come back and tell me they have found someone else who they could be happy with, but really want to be back with me.

 

If it was them who did the dumping, then its a whole different kettle of fish!

 

Guess its upto Teacher to fill us in on the missing links.

[TMonkey]

I may be coming to this chat late, but I'd love to way in on the original post from Teacher.

 

I'm a guy, and when it comes to guys I have learned a few things. One is that we want whatever we can't have. Two is that we want to know that everyone, ESPECIALLY ex-girlfriends, are available to us still.

 

Your ex is fishing around to know if he can still get to you or not. That's all. He's really selfish and just wants to sleep at night knowing he has his options open. His questions show a startling disrespect not only for you but for his current girlfriend (can you imagine how you woould feel if you were her and knew he were talking to an ex like this).

 

You did the right thing. In fact, you should have been harsher with him (I know this is tough when you secretly hope he will "come to his senses").

 

I'm sorry to be cold but this guy either has to step up MASSIVELY with you or he deserves none of your time. None.

[wahaha1]

It's human's selfish nature... Just be firm on your stance.

[teacher]

First, thanks so much for all the input.

 

Think I left out some impt. info- Before we hung up, he said "i guess I have a choice to make" and I said, "i haven't been waiting around for you, and I will continue to move on, just as I have been doing, so please don't call me anymore, because the less we talk, the more I forget."

 

The other night, he spoke to a mutual friend, telling her that he and his new girl were going to have a "talk". It seemed to her that he was fishing for info, but she didn't give him anything!!

 

What do you think he is going to do? Seems like a bit much for a two month relationship!

 

Numbheart, I see your point, but this guy has proven himself to be very selfish in the past, and emotionally insecure... I almost feel as if he wants me to tell him what to do! But I can't!! And could I ever trust this guy?

[Numbheart]

What do you think he is going to do? Seems like a bit much for a two month relationship!

 

Numbheart, I see your point, but this guy has proven himself to be very selfish in the past, and emotionally insecure... I almost feel as if he wants me to tell him what to do! But I can't!! And could I ever trust this guy?

 

Um, dunno an dunno?..lost my crystal ball at the moment

 

Having a talk is too much for a 2 month relationship??!!!....that all depends on what their relationship is like / based on and to me is down to common curtesy and respect for the other person, sort of says something about him to me and again sounds like bitterness from your side.

 

Its difficult to try and make any informed opinion when we still have no idea who dumped who and for what reasons.

You say he has proved himself in the past to be very selfish and emotionally insecure, but there are two sides to every story and at the moment we dont even appear to have the full side of one?

 

Think I left out some impt. info- Before we hung up, he said "i guess I have a choice to make" and I said, "i haven't been waiting around for you, and I will continue to move on, just as I have been doing, so please don't call me anymore, because the less we talk, the more I forget."

So this sounds like hes listened to your ulitimatum and your reply could be viewed as a quilt trip, again making you look like you could be bitter if he was the one who ended everything?

If it was you who made the split, then it sort of makes sense.

 

Without knowing all the info, then "shrug"

 

Guess its down to what you want?....Bottom line, do you want to be with this guy or not?

[teacher]

He broke up with me! He was confused, wasn't sure he could give me what i wanted, but said he adored me, etc.

 

How is this up to me still, if he is still with her? Isn't it disrespectful to me and this girl, that he is still with her and telling me all this?

[teacher]

So this sounds like hes listened to your ulitimatum and your reply could be viewed as a quilt trip, again making you look like you could be bitter if he was the one who ended everything?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this... I was trying to be strong!

[teacher]

yes, i do want to be with him. but he did some lousy things to me in the past. my friends and fam. don't trust him and say they pity him because he is so out of touch with his feelings, i.e. screwed up emotionally

[Numbheart]

He broke up with me! He was confused, wasn't sure he could give me what i wanted, but said he adored me, etc.

 

How is this up to me still, if he is still with her? Isn't it disrespectful to me and this girl, that he is still with her and telling me all this?

 

Ok, at least a bit more is clear now.

Yes he is being disrespectful to the girl he is with now from what he is doing...perhaps that is why he feels the need to have a chat with her now?

 

I dont understand what you mean when you say why is this up to you still?

 

So this sounds like hes listened to your ulitimatum and your reply could be viewed as a quilt trip, again making you look like you could be bitter if he was the one who ended everything?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this... I was trying to be strong!

 

You basically gave him an ultimatum that you couldnt answer his question until he broke up with this girl...he's heard that and said he guesses he needs to make a decision.

You were trying to be stong, but the bit you said at the end "please don't call me anymore, because the less we talk, the more I forget" to me sounds like a quilt trip...you know?...its like saying you know you hurt me and even though I want to speak to you, you dont want to be with me, so I have to forget you,... even although, you know that he may want to be with you now by the very fact that hes got in touch with you.

 

If he ended things with you and is now feeling like he wants to be back with you, what you said to him was strong, but will also make him feel quilty and from my perspective does come across like you are still bitter about all this.

 

However, now from everything you have said, that he dumped you, he's been lousy with you, your family pity him for being disconected to his feelings, etc, it is probably best that you go NC with him as it sounds like hes having reactions which may be guilt driven from himself, etc.

Then again, what do I know?....he may have realised he truely does want to give things a good go with you?....leave it NC for a while, if he makes his choice and finishes it with the girl he is with, (without influence from you) then thats quite a stong indication that he is quite serious with his intentions and its taken someone else for him to realise how much he still wants to be with you.

 

He may be a messer, you know him, I dont, I'm trying to look at both sides here.

[datboispiggs]

Guys like this deserve to walk in s*** filled shoes. Let him dump his current girlfriend then say no to him asking you for another chance. Chances are he'll just move on to the next girl or try to go back to the other girl and if she has any pride she won't take him back. I'm going through the same things. I blew my ex off. She's a lying bitch that deserves to suffer the rest of her life for the things she's done to me. She tells everyone that I know that it was my fault. Find a new man. Start looking out for yourself and worry less about him (if you do so at any extent right now). Marry me. s*** I'm a good guy with morals.

[teacher]

Why i am now wishing I had said, "If you want to work this out, I am willing to give it a try" now i feel I lost my chance, but he is the one who is with someone else!!! if he wanted to truly be with me, shouldn't he fight for me? and really try? with actions and not words??? I am sad today and trying not to contact him!

[In Sync]

My ex of 3 months emailed me recently to tell me that he misses me and thinks he regrets breaking up, that he feels we could have had a good happy life together... so we ended up talking (this whole time he has a new girlfriend) .....

 

Advice? Thoughts?

 

 

Here's my advice: Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in the shoes of this gf of his...and he's going behind your back talking to his former ex about getting back together. What makes this guy so admirable that you would even consider going back to him considering his style of wanting to resume your relationship...This is disrespect and putting lipstick on a pig doesn't make it a woman.

He's manipulating and playing on your emotions...if its only 3 months of your being an ex, he's smart enough to know you still have feelings...otherwise you would not have even talked to him.

My theory is, if you know he's going to hurt someone to be with you, happiness won't be built on that relationship. It's one thing if you were unaware of what he was involved in, but you know that disrespect for you and this other girl is being displayed here all around.

Trust that there is a man out there who will love and respect you. Also judge a person by how they treat others, its a good sign of how they will treat you.

[Numbheart]

He's manipulating and playing on your emotions....

 

Is he REALLY?

In Sync has some valid points, however, to me they appear pessamistic and quite defensive...and that is not in any way meant to be an attack.

 

I'm really not trying to defend this guy, for all I know he could be a complete a**h***, but I do see an alternative side to all this.

 

Just say, he really does regret what he's done with ending you two.

He's moved on a month later (and some people can do this quite easily) but in doing this he has realised that although things are early stages with his new GF, there could be a good potential future with her.

Does he want to lose that?....well that could depend on his ex?...if he thinks he's made that much of a mistake with the way he handled his ex and is unsure if bridges could ever be rebuilt, even although he would like them to be, then maybe being honest with his ex about his current situation is the best way to be?.....from his perspective it could be trying to show her how much she means to him by doing this, that he has a potential future but would really rather be back with her if she was willing?

Yes, he is trying to take the easy option by keeping one thing whilst trying to get another back, some would say that if you meant that much to him, he would end it with his current GF now and try to reconcile with you regardless....others would say why throw a potential good thing away, if at the bottom of his heart he really does think his ex would never be willing to take him back and give things another go (we've all gotta move on right?).

He now has 2 chances, one with current GF and one with ex.....which one is easier?....current!....which one is more difficult but perhaps needed more?...ex!

 

Please dont get hopeful about what I am saying, I am merely trying to point out a different viewpoint, I can understand why a lot of posts on this site can appear to be deffensive, i.e. dont ever take him back, be strong, etc, because in the long run, they may well be saving people from a lot of confusion, heartache and hurt, however, we all need to be able to make those choices for ourselves, yet if we are blinkered, we do not always see the other viewpoint.

 

I could be and probably am wrong with what I have tried to point out here.

Sometimes, the alternative viewpoint can be damaging to you and your feelings, I don't want to see people get hurt, but I also do not want to see people missing out on what could be good for them.

 

As a guy, I have no needs to know that ex's are available to me, especially if I am seeing someone new, the only time that happens is when she meant more to me than any other, but everyone is different and everyone is on a different rung of the ladder.

 

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

You know this guy, trust your judgement with it.

I've got a feeling I'm probably going to get flamed for posting this:o

[In Sync]

Is he REALLY?

In Sync has some valid points, however, to me they appear pessamistic and quite defensive...and that is not in any way meant to be an attack.

 

I'm really not trying to defend this guy, for all I know he could be a complete a**h***, but I do see an alternative side to all this.

 

Just say, he really does regret what he's done with ending you two.

He's moved on a month later (and some people can do this quite easily) but in doing this he has realised that although things are early stages with his new GF, there could be a good potential future with her.

Does he want to lose that?....well that could depend on his ex?...if he thinks he's made that much of a mistake with the way he handled his ex and is unsure if bridges could ever be rebuilt, even although he would like them to be, then maybe being honest with his ex about his current situation is the best way to be?.....from his perspective it could be trying to show her how much she means to him by doing this, that he has a potential future but would really rather be back with her if she was willing?

Yes, he is trying to take the easy option by keeping one thing whilst trying to get another back, some would say that if you meant that much to him, he would end it with his current GF now and try to reconcile with you regardless....others would say why throw a potential good thing away, if at the bottom of his heart he really does think his ex would never be willing to take him back and give things another go (we've all gotta move on right?).

He now has 2 chances, one with current GF and one with ex.....which one is easier?....current!....which one is more difficult but perhaps needed more?...ex!

 

Please dont get hopeful about what I am saying, I am merely trying to point out a different viewpoint, I can understand why a lot of posts on this site can appear to be deffensive, i.e. dont ever take him back, be strong, etc, because in the long run, they may well be saving people from a lot of confusion, heartache and hurt, however, we all need to be able to make those choices for ourselves, yet if we are blinkered, we do not always see the other viewpoint.

 

I could be and probably am wrong with what I have tried to point out here.

Sometimes, the alternative viewpoint can be damaging to you and your feelings, I don't want to see people get hurt, but I also do not want to see people missing out on what could be good for them.

 

As a guy, I have no needs to know that ex's are available to me, especially if I am seeing someone new, the only time that happens is when she meant more to me than any other, but everyone is different and everyone is on a different rung of the ladder.

 

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

You know this guy, trust your judgement with it.

I've got a feeling I'm probably going to get flamed for posting this:o

 

My question to you..how about the other girl? My earlier post was not being pessismistic it was just a different viewpoint which questioned someone's character, because he's thinking only about his needs...what about about the other girlfriend. Sometimes thinking about someone who is not in the picture even though they are is the bigger picture. Do you think she might feel hurt by this. Of course he can change his mind but when people do things just because of their whims..it has a ripple effect in the water. Being selfless and selfish are a reflection of character...

Just my opinion.

[Numbheart]

I'd say check my other post to see my answer, I do not think he is being fair to the other girl, and maybe thats why he said he felt the need to have a "talk" with her.

[In Sync]

I'd say check my other post to see my answer, I do not think he is being fair to the other girl, and maybe thats why he said he felt the need to have a "talk" with her.

 

 

I'm not here to argue with you, I reread your post. I'm merely pointing out for me something is questionable in the guy's character. Why tell the ex gf, that you are want back in and the situation with the present gf is ongoing but he's going to have te talk. If he truly respected both women, clean up his situation. What's the point of telling the ex gf while still in the other relationship. Why bring this drama, knowing he's going to go back and dump someone, into a fresh start?

 

What's acceptable for each individual is acceptable for each individual, The original post from teacher, requested advice and thoughts...

[Numbheart]

I'm not here to argue with you, I reread your post. I'm merely pointing out for me something is questionable in the guy's character. Why tell the ex gf, that you are want back in and the situation with the present gf is ongoing but he's going to have te talk. If he truly respected both women, clean up his situation. What's the point of telling the ex gf while still in the other relationship. Why bring this drama, knowing he's going to go back and dump someone, into a fresh start?

 

What's acceptable for each individual is acceptable for each individual, The original post from teacher, requested advice and thoughts...

 

I am not seeking an arguement.

I have tried to explain the other take in my previous post.

Why tell the ex GF?...as I tried to point out in my previous post.

 

How does he know hes going to dump anyone if he thinks hes too far past gone with his ex?....this could be a final call to her before giving up completely....then if he sees Teacher is no way, no how going back to him, hes got himself a potential already....yes its selfish, I never said it wasnt.

I never said I agreed with anything he is doing, but I can see a viewpoint of why he maybe doing it and that viewpoint may well be down to his overall feelings for teacher, which "could" say a lot to her.

Shes already got enough of the other (negative) side to see and just sometimes, people can be misunderstood, for all their right intentions.

 

Teachers post requested advice and thoughts, thats exactly what shes getting, from both poles of the magnet.

[teacher]

I received this email a few days after I sent the one in my original post:

 

Hey,

 

Sorry for getting back to you so late!! I was so busy last week and was away for a few days. I feel the same exact way but still wondering why I think about you still. I guess we had a strong bond but i wasn't ready to go the level you deserve. I am sure I will see you sooner then later.

 

Don't know why he responded, i didn't ask for a response! Oh, we will be running into each other a lot this summer because we frequent the same places and have a beach house on the same block...

 

 

Should I respond to his email or not?

[Whitt]

I would just give him a polite responce. "Yeah, we'll see each other later. Take care." If he responds then ignore it until you see him. He doesn't know what he wants, yet. Let him work things out in his head and figure out what he wants to do with his current realationship. Don't let himmess with your feelings anymore. He wants you to hang out becasue he isn't sure what he wants. Don't hang on whatever you do. If he wants you back it is his place to make you want him again.

[infromthestorm]

Teacher, I just stumbled on this post and read it because I can relate to your situation. I’ve been approached by an ex-girlfriend about a hypothetical reunion and it’s created a lot of unnecessary drama. I used to make allowances and wait for her to decide what she wants (I’m 29 and she’s a bit older, so I always figured she had more to think about). But I found a way to take the edge off of waiting for her, and I hope you do yourself a favor and act in a similar manner.

 

The fastest way to resolve your situation and get at what he really wants is to spin the situation around & let him feel what you’ve been feeling. Give him a dose of all that discomfort you’ve been feeling by getting yourself out and talking to a new guy. Introducing your ex to the possibility that you can be happy with someone besides them is the only thing that will move them to action. You go out with another guy and let it get back to him. See how fast he calls you. Right now he holds all the cards. He’s the one deciding between his current girl and you. Well, the minute he realizes that you are out with another, we’ll see how fast he makes up his mind. He still contacts you because he hasn’t let you go. He never really dealt with the breakup because he jumped right into a new relationship. You’re actually much stronger than him because you’ve been going it alone up to this point. If you go out with another – just as he’s done – his weakness will play to your favor.

 

I hate looking at relationships like a game where someone has to be winning or losing. I wish everyone could just wakeup, figure out what they want, and be happy fulfilling each other’s desires. But when you end up in a situation like yours, where someone is too selfish to make up their mind…well, I’m not suggesting you go with another to exact revenge from him, although I admit it is a tad gratifying to watch the person who once held you down squirm like a little helpless child, I’m just saying by putting him in the position you’re now in – that is, rendering him as the outsider who has to wait-and-see what you decide about your current relationship – you will level the playing field and get action out of him, rather than words.

 

I see your posts have been going on for some time. I think you’ve eaten enough s*** with this guy. You love him? You want him to decide what he wants? Then go with another. You might enjoy it and decide to leave him totally behind.

[2020vision]

I received this email a few days after I sent the one in my original post:

 

Hey,

 

Sorry for getting back to you so late!! I was so busy last week and was away for a few days. I feel the same exact way but still wondering why I think about you still. I guess we had a strong bond but i wasn't ready to go the level you deserve. I am sure I will see you sooner then later.

 

Don't know why he responded, i didn't ask for a response! Oh, we will be running into each other a lot this summer because we frequent the same places and have a beach house on the same block...

 

 

Should I respond to his email or not?

NO! This guy sounds exactly like my ex....I swear we are almost talking about the same person. I even got asked the hypothetical question "what would you say if I wanted to move in with you?" Just about two weeks ago. You can read any of my posts pretty much to see the drama I went through to only end up with nothing in the end but a broken heart and him going home to his new gf every night. No man that truley loves you would even put you in the same sentence as another woman. He is a sleezeball, look forward to brighter days without his crap. Please keep in mind, actions speak louder than words.

 

Your ex will continue to act like this until you shut the door completely. I agree with Insync. It is not pessimistic, it is just reality.