Is it finally OVER?

[bendit]

Teacher you appear to have some problems "ending" relationships. That's common though; we all do. Its called being a bad "ender". I noticed you posted in late 2004 about a different guy I hope. You went on and off on and off with this guy and then remained in contact for a long time? Any pattern you can see? The reason ending is so hard is you aren't decisive and you stay in contact and are open to the manipulations of human nature from these guys.

 

Now think about your ideal man. Does your ideal man have a NEW girlfriend moments after you two break up? Perhaps he lined her up while you two were ending. Why was he not broken hearted from losing a great girl like you? Why wasn't he "crushed"? Why didn't he take some time to take stock to figure out what went wrong? Why did he have a new GF so soon, leaving you in a heap on the road? The reason, imo, is that his love was not real, or at least didn't run very deep. It was surface level and probably an act.

 

If he loved you so much why isn't he with you NOW? Why aren't you two the happy loving couple? Instead, your X is being comforted by another woman on a nightly basis, while you "cope" on Love Shack wondering if you should take him back.

 

Now, he has ravaged this woman physically in every which way, probably bored, and is seeking comfort from someone familiar because he really didn't know her very well anyway right? He used her and is now going to discard her. But his condition is that he only would leave HER if he has the 100% certainty that you will be there with your safety net so he will NEVER be alone. Sounds like this guy sets his life up so that he is never without a GF. That to me spells trouble. What makes you think he won't trade you in again when he finds someone he thinks is better?

 

I think you need a way to close the door on your Xs and move on to find the man you DESERVE. This guy does not sound like yours or any person's dream guy to me. I would let her have him and cut off all ties and go on to find someone who really would be heartbroken if they broke up with you. You deserve that.

 

regards

[teacher]

First, I'd like to say thank you to the last three posters. This is some of the best advice I have received on this forum, and I really appreciate it!

 

The thing is, I know in my head, that this guy does not deserve one ounce of me. I am a kind, caring, generous, funny, pretty, loyal, smart, educuated, motivated, in great shape girl, (lol, hope I don't sound too confident) and I deserve someone who will appreciate all of that! I think he knows that I am too good for him, and deep down knows he doesn't deserve me. My friends describe me as one of the most good hearted people they know.

 

To be honest, I think he may be a narcissist, but you know what? I need to stop analyzing his pathetic life, and I need to start concentrating on me! Summer is coming and I will be out constantly, flirting and looking to meet new guys... I was in therapy for a while too, and I am thinking about going back again. Although I have been very strong, and have NEVER begged him to be with me, I am having some issues on closing the door COMPLETELY, in my own head. I think that I have high self esteem, but I need to be more self protective and more selfish. Does that make sense?

 

This guy is 35 years old, he's never going to figure out his issues, therefore he will probably never be the man I would need/want/deserve.

 

I guess the hardest part of all this is that I feel betrayed, I didn't think it was humanly possible for someone so selfish to exist!!??!! I guess I am naive in a way...

[teacher]

I know I am probabaly going to run into him next weekend, why do I have this unsafe/scared feeling about that? I'll be with my friends, he'll be with his, I know i don't have to talk to him, I just wish i didn't even have to face him, ESP. if he is with this new girl. I hope SHE doesn't think I give a rat's a** about him! I hope SHE doesn't think I am jealous of her!!!

[2020vision]

I need to stop analyzing his pathetic life, and I need to start concentrating on me!

 

Exactly. I had to give up analyzing my ex as it is simply a waste of my time. With how screwed up these men are, we could analyze for years trying to figure them out. Just live your life and leave him in the past where he belongs.

 

I guess the hardest part of all this is that I feel betrayed, I didn't think it was humanly possible for someone so selfish to exist!!??!! I guess I am naive in a way...

 

I am still dealing with the same issue. I have no clue how someone could be so cruel to lie to me and use me for 3 years...But, I am going on 6 months post break up and am doing better. Trust me, this feeling of betrayal will start to fade when you concentrate on your own life as stated above. You have a big heart and he took advantage of it.

 

I know I am probabaly going to run into him next weekend, why do I have this unsafe/scared feeling about that? I'll be with my friends, he'll be with his, I know i don't have to talk to him, I just wish i didn't even have to face him, ESP. if he is with this new girl. I hope SHE doesn't think I give a rat's a** about him! I hope SHE doesn't think I am jealous of her!!!

 

Ok, first off do not worry about what he or she thinks their opinions do not matter to you. And the jokes on her, shes with the loser not you.

 

I live in the same neighborhood as my ex and always see him passing by me in the car. Sometimes with her and sometmes by himself. It sucks, I get the same scared feeling. I had a close call yesterday. Was almost stuck side by side at the same stoplight with the two of them. I was shaking afterwards I was so scared/shocked. I am hoping I will get over this. Just hold your head up high, and try your hardest to block him out of your mind and have a good time with your friends.

[infromthestorm]

Teach, you’re probably right about him being a narcissist. If you see him out with his new girlfriend just flash him a peace sign then ignore him. He’s a real piece of work if he brings the new girl to a place where you and your friends hangout. If he does, though, a little apathy on your part can go a long way. My ex brought her boyfriend to a place where I hangout once and only once. She left in tears and he followed like her pathetic little shadow. It wasn’t easy at first, but I never let it show and by the time they left I was really having fun with it.

 

Bendit is on the money about communication lines between you and him serving as strings of manipulation. At this point you’re the one who stands to get hurt each time you talk to him. I think you revealed the reason you talk to him when you said:

 

“I guess the hardest part of all this is that I feel betrayed, I didn't think it was humanly possible for someone so selfish to exist!”

 

It’s even harder to admit that you fell for someone like that, innit? He betrayed you and if part of you wants to even the score, then do it, but do it on your own terms. And what better way to thank someone for being so selfish than to leave them feeling irrelevant and discarded, which is exactly how he’s going to feel once you start dating another guy. You said you’re attractive, smart, educated, and in good shape. Finding someone new shouldn’t be too hard.

 

I know it sounds mean or immature to “even the score” by going with another, but it’ll actually serve you well right now – The time you spend with the new guy will be time NOT spent thinking about or talking to him. It’ll send a positive and assertive message: you’re nobody’s fool and you haven’t the time or energy to waste on a selfish person. And it’ll move you away from a situation that’s draining your time, energy, and peace of mind. Plus it'll drive him nuts and make him feel like a loser.

 

To answer your question (why do I have this unsafe feeling about running into him next weekend), you feel vulnerable because you’ve allowed his actions to affect your feelings for so long that you no longer completely trust yourself. It’s the ultimate headtrip! The minute you free yourself from it, you’re gonna feel like you can walk on water. Give yourself that opportunity.

 

________________________

We must become the change we want to see.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

[infromthestorm]

2020 – Everything you said makes sense to me, except 1 thing –

 

“try your hardest to block him out of your mind and have fun with your friends.”

 

It’s probably a matter of personal preference, but when I see something that scares me, I look right at it. Blocking it out would probably spare me from the fear, but avoiding fear is not the same as overcoming it. When I aim for the fear, instead of avoiding it, it just runs its course and I come away feeling stronger.

 

On the other hand, it might be counterproductive to confront an unwanted situation. Interesting.

[Whitt]

Also, teacher - take back your power! If you want this realtionship to be over - then it is. You just have to make the choice and that is the hard part.

[Numbheart]

I received this email a few days after I sent the one in my original post:

 

Hey,

 

Sorry for getting back to you so late!! I was so busy last week and was away for a few days. I feel the same exact way but still wondering why I think about you still. I guess we had a strong bond but i wasn't ready to go the level you deserve. I am sure I will see you sooner then later.

 

Don't know why he responded, i didn't ask for a response! Oh, we will be running into each other a lot this summer because we frequent the same places and have a beach house on the same block...

 

As soon as I saw this response (I've been having huge PC issues in the last few days) it made me realise he is just messing with you.....I agree with everything else that has since been said.

[In Sync]

As soon as I saw this response (I've been having huge PC issues in the last few days) it made me realise he is just messing with you.....I agree with everything else that has since been said.

 

Do my eyes deceive me?

[Numbheart]

Do my eyes deceive me?

 

Nope

I did say I wasnt trying to defend the guy originally.

I was trying to look at the point he may actually be genuine rather than instantly dissing him for being the bad guy.

 

Teacher posting his reply made everything much clearer that he is just messing.

[teacher]

He ended it with her just about a month ago, and wants me back. What to do???!!! We've been seeing each other 1-2 times a week, realizing we both need to take it slow, but just don't know if I could do it, I love him but can I trust him? Can trust be rebuilt? And is it ok that he wants to take it slow too? or is that another red flag?

[In Sync]

He ended it with her just about a month ago, and wants me back. What to do???!!! We've been seeing each other 1-2 times a week, realizing we both need to take it slow, but just don't know if I could do it, I love him but can I trust him? Can trust be rebuilt? And is it ok that he wants to take it slow too? or is that another red flag?

 

Here's a serious question for you? If you ever intend to have children would he be the man you see as your children's father?

[teacher]

I think he would be a good father... just wondering why you posed that question?

[bendit]

>The thing is, I know in my head, that this guy does not deserve one ounce of me.<<

 

This is what you wrote a few weeks ago. IS this the same guy you were breaking up with in late 2004? I have a feeling it is. You could never get clear of him.

 

You also think he has NPD. I think you really can't break free of this guy. I will predict it will be a monumental disaster if you go back to him.

 

This is a guy who had a new woman IMMEDIATELY after you broke up. Does this sound like he was "deeply" in love with you? Could you do this if you were deeply in love with someone and it ended?

 

He has been doing her and having her any which way he wants on a platter for months, while you were broken down laying in a heap on the side of the road. He could care less because he had nookie available to him.

 

All he had to do was keep in contact with you to have you in reserve because he wasn't sure about the new chick. The new chick wasn't all she was cracked up to be and he still has you because of his strategic decision to remain in contact. So he has his backup in place. YOU.

 

See, your boundaries are so weak that you let your man go off and have his way with another woman until he got TIRED OF HER, and then you are going to say, "Sure come back. I am still here for you." You are so mindlessly attached to this guy that you can't see how crazy it is for you to accept a man who does this stuff to women. A man who uses women for sex, for adoration, for attention, for drama making. Is this the kind of life you want?

 

I hate to be so blunt. But if you go back to a suspected NPD, and all the signs point to him being THIS, you are essentially plotting a course for your life that will lead to heartache, pain, sorrow, dysfunction, hurt, drama, depression, anxiety, and any other bad thing you can dream up. Please THINK.

 

regards

[2020vision]

Life is too short to accept the shattered remains of what could be a relationship, at best. Distance yourself FAR away and never look back.

[In Sync]

I think he would be a good father... just wondering why you posed that question?

 

 

I posed the question because, that is the highest standard you can regard somebody. Somebody who you deemed would be an admirable person to father your children. Sometimes if you really look at a person's charcter the determining factor in staying in the relationship should be..is this person someone I want my kids to follow. Otherwise if he lacks certain admirable qualities..why stay in a relationship with him? What does he bring to the table? So far he's a cheater. And if he cheats now is that the best you expect for yourself.