Need "neutral" input -

[cobalt123]

This is my first time here and I will try to keep this short while still having it make sense. I'm in a relationship of about 2 years. About 1 1/2 years ago, my BF and I were in a rocky period - I felt like he didn't want to include me in his life. I rarely went to his house, hadn't met most of his friends, etc. I told him I needed a few days off to think about things and give him time to think about whether he really wanted to be in a relationship. After a few days of not talking to him, I decided the relationship was important and that it would be better to work on this together. I went to his house at about 8:30 at night and found his ex-girlfiend there. There were no lights on in the house but the hall light, and they were in the bedroom. I knocked on the door repeatedly but he didn't answer. I tried calling his cell phone but it was turned off. After about a half hour, I knocked on his bedroom window (he lives in a ranch house) and told him I wasn't leaving until he came out and talked to me. He came to the door fairly quickly then and made his ex leave (she seemed really upset but we didn't talk). He and I talked for hours - he claimed that he was putting away laundry in the BR when she came over and that they just wound up talking there. He said it was light when she got to the house and that's why the lights were off. Etc, etc. In case you're wondering ... no, I had no idea he was even still talking to her. They broke up and supposedly he was finished with her (but yes, theirs was a long-term relationship before the break up. In fact they even lived together for a short while but that didn't work out at all).

 

After a lot of talk over many days, we decided to work on it and he swore he'd never even talk to her again. About a month later, she showed up at my house (still don't know how she found me) and told me how she'd been seeing him for months, on and off. When I confronted him, he told me she was crazy and was just trying to break us up and that there was nothing going on. Unfortunately, I took a look at his cell phone bills and found out that he continued talking to her regularly (almost every day) after I found her at his house and he never ended it, as he said he would. I do know that he did end it after she showed up at my house (I still have access to the cell phone bills).

 

I'm a very analytical person and I don't have a ton of belief in coincidences. So here I am a year later still finding it difficult to believe they were in the bedroom "chatting." And if they weren't just chatting, that means he was flat out lying and doing a darned good job of it. And that means that he could easily do it again. And that means that I really shouldn't still be in this relationship.

 

I know that no one can really make a decision for another person, but my question is this: am I a total idiot for believing what he told me about all of this ... or is his story at least somewhat plausible when heard by neutral people who don't have any ties to either of us?

[PrettyMama247]

Your story sounds a lot like waht happened to me a while back. I just decided to act like I believed him. The thing is that one will never know the whole truth. that is because he is the only one who knows. I mean I am still hunted by that feeling that my partner did do something but I have learned to just push it aside. At the end he is with you not her. PLus if you have checked his cell phone bills lately and have not found her number he is probably telling you the truth now. I say give him his last and final chance. If later on you find out that he was lying then cut him. and just know that you did everything you could to save the relationship. (I would go talk to his ex just to make sure that he isn't lying. If she tells you a different story arrange it so that all 3 of you are together and that way you can get the truth. I did it and i found out the ex was lying.)

[Ladyjane14]

No....his story doesn't sound particularly "plausible" to me.

 

Having said that....probably the best thing to do is to concentrate on the lies you've already uncovered. He told you he'd stop talking to his ex...and he didn't.

 

It's probably wasted energy to worry about catching him out on the incident from a year and half ago. You can't prove it, and he's unlikely to admit it. But you know....you don't need 'proof' to dump a cheating boyfriend. You're not married to him. You can cut him loose "just because" if that's what you want to do. It's not a court of law where you have to have a conviction regarding his guilt. The fact that you don't like 'the cut of his jib' is all the evidence you need.

 

That's the beautiful thing about dating. You aren't committed to putting up with more bullsh*t than what you're strictly willing to put up with.

[a4a]

He lied lied lied and lied again. There is no way what he says is true.....hell you have the cell calls even...... why not open the bedroom door if it was so innocent?

 

Hell yes he cheated on you and lied and totally disrespected you as a person and a g/f. Will he do it again... probably, your easy to bulls***. It is probably a game to him.

[cobalt123]

What can I say? Thanks to all who responded. I'm using a4a's post to respond to because hers hit closest to home, I guess. I know that I tend to take people at face value because I don't connive and manipulate to get my way and I always figure that other people are coming from that same place - even though I'm old enough to know better. ;-) And even though it seems people you love should always be honest (yeah, right). Yes, I guess I'm easy to bulls***. Although I can't be the only sucker who believed a lame story like this one ... am I?

 

Ladyjane14 - your observation that this isn't a court of law and I don't need a conviction to prove guilt is also enlightening since (like I said) I'm analytical and tend to want solid proof before I believe things. Another not so great personality trait I guess.

 

Anyhow! Yes, he lied. Yes, he probably will do it again. Yes, he disrespected me and risked our relationship. I'd wager it's because he didn't figure that I'd leave no matter what he did (that's disturbing, ay?)

 

I guess I just needed to hear this from people who didn't know us. My BF is charming and well liked by EVERYONE so it's hard to get neutral input from anyone that knows the two of us (not that I told many people, just a couple close friends - the damned incident is SO embarrassing).

[cobalt123]

PrettyMamma247 ... how did you get your BF and the ex to agree to get together so you could talk about what really happened? Was that, like, the most awkward situation you've ever been in? How in the hell did you handle THAT??!!