Guest Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Hi, I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I'm 26 and my boyfriends 27. We've been together for 10 years. We have lived together for about 5 years in our own home, and have a 1 year old son. I've never pushed the subject of marriage before as I would never want to force him into it, but since having my baby I've felt the need for an engagement. I want my son to grow up with married parents and know he is wanted and loved and secure. I asked for an engagement, with the wedding following in two years time. I thought this was a fair suggestion, but he seems to be ignoring my concerns and keeps saying he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married. I'm really angry as when I fell pregnant he assured me we'd get married and have a proper family. I feel conned. Is anyone in a similar situation, or has anyone got any advice they can offer, this is really getting me down. It's not as simple as leave, because of the baby and mortgage...plus i do love him. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 If you cannot leave him, then you will have to stay knowing that he will not marry you. There seems to be no reason for him to not marry you, seeing as you share a house and child. He is a) keeping his options open to mess around with other women, b) unaware of the sesiousness of this issue to you, c) scared to commit, d) happy with the situation and feels changing it would be unneccessary or some combination of these. There have been several posts like this, please see them for more helpful information. I would say, however, that he is unlikely to change his mind unless you left. There are no magic tricks that you can play that will make him marry you. He'll just keep putting you off and tap-dancing around the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
honeybunch2k5 Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 ITA. Why buy the milk when you can have to cow for free? If he really loves you, and is the father of your child, I don't understand the wait. Y'all have been together for 10 years, so why wait another two. Go get a priest, wedding bands, marriage license, and a blood test, and BAM you're married. Are you saying this guy hasn't even put a ring on your finger? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 You two are commonlaw right now, and in the eyes of the Law, that's married. Draw up Wills and make sure that you and your child are provided for incase he bails on you two. Sadly, if he doesn't want to get married and he is happy with how things are, there isn't much you can do to convince him otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Oh, that sucks! I'd be mad; I think I'd take my baby and leave for a week or two without any notice. I mean, it's like he's basically saying that he doesn't want any commitment; well then that's exactly what he'd get. Note: that's just me and my temper; I'm not saying this would be the best solution for all couples. But still Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 13, 2006 Share Posted May 13, 2006 This is why he doesn't want to get married. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88277/ Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2006 Share Posted May 13, 2006 Yeah, but after 10 years of living together, building a life together and having a child together - THEY kind of are married! Sorry, maybe that would cut it at the beginning, but she is looking for stability, a husband and a full time father to her child - Not looking for an escape. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Maybe he just doesn't think that a ceremony is necessary to be happy and commited. I mean, you live together. It's not like he's got a bachelor pad he only lets you stay at during the week. Have you spoken about your views of what commitment means? -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 I think too many guys are scared that marriage means everything changes...which I guess some things do change but my goodness after 10 years together nothing else should change you guys have built a life together.. I agree that he has committment issues...but this is something that you both need to deal with because you will just end up resenting him if it doesn't get resolved in a way you can both be happy... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 This is why he doesn't want to get married. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88277/ He is afraid you will do this. This thread needs to be required reading for men on their wedding day. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Thanks all for the good advice, it's nice to have someone to talk too about this. I have taken your advice and talked to my partner and focussed on discussing why I would like that commitment and what it means to us. He's agreed to think about it. To be honest I now think he doesn't want to get married because he feels it would be wasted money nomatter how little we spend. His attitude is nothing will change so why bother! He is also embarressed to do the whole vows things infront of others. We have a lot of family who would be hurt if we did it without them. Anyway, it's been a real help hearing peoples views on the situation and any further advice on how to deal with my problem is very much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 You two are commonlaw right now, and in the eyes of the Law, that's married. Draw up Wills and make sure that you and your child are provided for incase he bails on you two. Sadly, if he doesn't want to get married and he is happy with how things are, there isn't much you can do to convince him otherwise. You need to do a lot more research on common law before making a blank assumption like that. In the eyes of the law, common law has many different meanings from a marriage, especially depending on the state. There are states where a couple must meet all criterie to be considered common law. Consider Iowa: must live together for at least 7 years, must present themselves as husband and wife to others and not as a committed but unmarried couple. Intent is also very important. Ask any attorney, in most states trying to get alimony and property, assets claiming a common law marriage is extrememly difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
CrumblingWalls Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 It sounds as if he is scared. My boyfriend is 28 and is scared to death of the topic of marriage. When asked about it he will reply with "one day". It is rarely an easy subject for any man to talk about. I also have a brother who is 26 and that topic freeks him out. That is just how men are. You two have been together for a long time, do you have a good relationship? If so, maybe he thinks that if you get married then everything will change. Maybe he feels that if it won't be the same. Many people say when they get married everything changes. I don't think that this is true but most men listen to their friends who have been in crappy marriages, etc. It sounds as if you two should really sit down and talk about this. Let him know how important this is to you as the mother of his child. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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