When is a good time to try again?

[bootlegga]

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I broke up on Easter weekend. She told me she fell out of love with me. She says she still loves spending time with me; playing tennis, camping, working out, etc, but she doesn't see me as a boyfriend any longer. I feel a part of it is a physical attraction thing, as in the past, all her boyfriends were slimmer than I am. I am stockier and carrying about 20 extra pounds or so I'll admit. It's kind of funny in a way because she wanted me to lose those pounds while we dated, and I had just started on a serious workout regimen (and lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks) when we broke up...

 

She wants to stay friends and even thinks we'll see each other more often this summer as friends than we did in the first three months of the year (which was about once a week). After the first week, I instituted NC and plan on not contacting her/responding to her for at least another month. I figure by Mid-June, it'll be 2 months. I figure by then, I'll have lost most of what she didn't like and will even be decently toned.

 

Anyways, my question is when do I try to get her back? Should I wait longer (her birthday is in October), or should I try something after NC is broken?

 

I have friends who say just move on and forget about her, others who say do it now, and others who say wait a few months and I really am not sure about which one is my best option.

 

All I really know is that I do want her back if she wants me back...

[GB111]

Well, Bootlegga, here's my take.

 

First of all, why do you want to be with somebody who is so motivated by your external appearance? If the only reason she left you is because you have a few extra pounds, but everything else is great, do you really want to be with someone so shallow? Do you think that you will never, at any point in your life, pick up at least 20 extra pounds again?

 

Other than that issue, which is about as blood red as a flag can get, you seem like a pretty rational guy. If you really think you want to waste more time with this person, I'd give it 3 months, at least. You can focus on yourself, build your self-esteem, and take some time to really consider whether this person is someone you want to be with.

 

On a more personal note, maybe if you lose the extra weight you'll be more attractive to someone who isn't so obsessed with your external appearance, but loves you for who you are. I promise you, your looks will fade, your skin will wrinkle, your joints will fail, and you will be sick. Don't you want to spend your time looking for someone who will stick with you through the marathon that is life? If she's that shallow, she WILL break up with you at some point, and you'll be right back where you are now. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but the more time you spend with her, the more it will hurt. I say it's time to move on.

 

Best,

 

GB

[bootlegga]

Well, GB, I don't think that me being a few pounds overweight is the only reason she left me, but I can see that it could have been a factor is the attraction side of love. In the past she has always dated thinner men, so I can kind of see it from her POV. If I wouldn't date a 225 lb woman, why should she date a 225 lb man? However, I agree that if that is the only reason she broke up with me, then, yes, she is shallow. I have to admit, part of me wants to reject her if she suddenly 'falls back in love' with me after I lose my extra weight and get fit.

 

But the fact remains that I still love her and feel I have to try and get her back. Now I fully admit that while she was a factor in me try to get back into shape, but now, the effort is totally for me, not her. My feelings kind of mirror yours. Maybe me getting back in shape will attract the attention of someone who will love me for myself, and not for six-pack abs. I already have had people who don't know me very well comment on how great I look.

 

Anyways, any ideas on how long I should wait before I try to win her back?

[chocolate_boy]

Well, GB, I don't think that me being a few pounds overweight is the only reason she left me, but I can see that it could have been a factor is the attraction side of love. In the past she has always dated thinner men, so I can kind of see it from her POV. If I wouldn't date a 225 lb woman, why should she date a 225 lb man? However, I agree that if that is the only reason she broke up with me, then, yes, she is shallow. I have to admit, part of me wants to reject her if she suddenly 'falls back in love' with me after I lose my extra weight and get fit.

 

But the fact remains that I still love her and feel I have to try and get her back. Now I fully admit that while she was a factor in me try to get back into shape, but now, the effort is totally for me, not her. My feelings kind of mirror yours. Maybe me getting back in shape will attract the attention of someone who will love me for myself, and not for six-pack abs. I already have had people who don't know me very well comment on how great I look.

Anyways, any ideas on how long I should wait before I try to win her back?

 

 

You can't "win" her back, love is not a prize. I suggest you back off and cold-turkey and cut off ALL contact with her. If she wants you back, she'll be in touch, you ccan only do things to drive her further away at this point.