I want her back

[zombie_romance]

THIS IS REALLY LONG BUT IF YOU HAVE ADVICE, PLEASE!! READ THIS!!

well, the whole time I've been on here, that song "Love Shack" has been stuck in my head, but thats besides the point. ok, I was in a relationship for about 2 years. We loved each other and were obsessed with eachother's every move. well, everything was great until june of 2005. I had to go away for a week (or so I was told at first) and we hated it but it was ok. the week rolled by, and then I was told I would go home after another week so I told her the same. this tore her up but she cooperated. same thing next week. well I ended up in the end coming home at the end of the month. through out the month, with those promises, I lost alot of her trust. In august, when things were getting better, I lost even more trust by admitting something, but she loved me none the less. anyways, this is when it started going down hill. this continued and things got rocky. fights flared up constintly, until this febuary, we decided we needed a break. we broke up, wanted to be friends with benefits, then the reality hit me. I found out she liked some other guy. It crushed me. I fell to my knees and did the thing most people do. I begged, pleaded, cried,apologized, said things would be different, that I had changed. this went on a week at a time for about 2 months. well, now i finally have chilled a little, but i am still bleeding on the inside.she told me the things that i was doing was pushing her further away. the thing that hurts the most is knowing that i now have pretty much no chance with her, and im the one who did it. i could have stopped it and didnt. well, we still talk every day like always, still tell each other googdnight every night, but i want her in my arms again. she tells me thers no chance of that happening and that hurts lke hell. i want her to be happy. ive even tried to help her get with someone else because it upset her so much. is that bad? ive searched all over the internet for ways or advice on a second chance with her and all i can get are freakin books, ebooks, and there all 4 step things. i cant order any of them becauses i have no money and am under aged. so i came here. what is this freakin technique everyones talking about? i want to win her back right and for eternity. what can i do to increase my chances? is it really as easy as 4 steps? i need advice. she is my first and only love, im not interested at ALL in anyone else, and i would do anything to have her back and do anything to bring happiness into her life. I want to be happy too, but if what it takes for me to be totally happy is to get rid of her, no thanks. im perfectly happy being able to love her from a disstants, but not satisfied. i want her at my side, hand in hand.

[GB111]

Yes, there really are only 4 steps to winning any person back. They're kept under lock and key because if they were to ever get out, nobody would ever break up and LoveShack would go out of business.

 

I'm sorry to be so insensitive, but there are some valuable lessons you need to learn.

 

Judging by the fact that you're under-age, have been dating for 2 years, and have no money, I'm assuming this is your first love. Ahhhh. I remember my first love. Thought I would NEVER get over her. Believe it or not, I still think of her once in a while, but probably once a month. No emotion whatsoever. Just a distant memory. That is exactly what this will be for you in time. Having your heart broken, while hardly a pleasant experience, is darn near guaranteed in your lifetime. Consider it a part of being a human being.

 

Ok, now, if you really feel like you would like to be with her NOW, here is my advice. Please keep in mind that the odds that she doesn't break your heart at some point in your life are slim to none, so you'll be facing this again sooner or later.

 

The best advice is to let her go. That's not to say that you never talk to her. She clearly wants some space right now, so give it to her. She may just change her mind and decide that she really does love you and miss you, but in order for her to experience that emotion, you have to be gone so that she DOES miss you. If you're available, she is not coming back. She knows she has you and will keep that tool in her toolbelt while she continues to heal. Make her sleep in the bed she's made. She doesn't want to be with you? Ok, fine. My life goes on with or without you. Once she realizes you're not at her beck and call, she may just have a change of heart.

 

Unfortunately, out of all the timeless wisdom on this web site, THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN SOMEONE BACK TO YOU. If anyone knew how to do that, you'd be more wealthy than Bill Gates. The best you can do is make sure you exercise any power you have left over her to make her realize the "mistake" she has made. The only way to do that is to leave her alone. She knows you love her and want her back. Any further discussion of the topic is simply annoying her.

 

Wow, if I only had the strength to follow my own advice... Good luck. Hope you'll have more success than I did. Oh, and don't spend too much time worrying about this. Chances are it's not the last time in your life you're going to feel like this, so limit the pain the best you can. Believe me, there WILL be another woman for you.

 

Best of luck.

 

GB

[bigdogg1811]

hey man, im in the same situation right now. my girlfriend and i had been going out for 7 months and we loved eachother very much. and then she broke up with me and i called her for 2 weeks straight...telling her the exact same things you did. and it drove her even further away, but guess what happened?

 

i came to this website and followed their advice of taking NC and that lasted for about a month and a half, and now shes been calling me and texting me telling me how much she misses me and still loves me. she hasn't asked me back, cuz she has a bf right now, but she wants to. all it took was some NC, believe me it works.

 

read my post..."Is NC still needed?"

 

give me some advice as well guys.

[zombie_romance]

so, as it is, the same thing I have heard, read, and seen, is tfinally put into perspective and directed to me. well, this thought has crossed my mind many times before. then the doubts and fears sink in and I don't doit. but, if someone else would say this to me that I trust to have been through this before, then it gives me just slightest bit of a boost of confidence. If this is what everyone really thinks is the right choice, then I will try it. but for now I will enjoy having her around until summer, then I will try. thanks alot for helping, good luck to you too.

[zombie_romance]

any more advice? anyone?

[tikigods]

As a woman I would have been just sickened having this guy doing the things that you are doing to get her back. I don't want someone that will fall apart, I need a guy that will be strong, will be a man.

 

She doesn't want you, and quite frankly I can see why. Grow some balls, pick yourself up, stop being there for her (don't call her don't answer her calls when she calls you and for gods sake don't find her a new boyfriend) realize that you will to quote Cher LOVE AGAIN!!! and move on with your life.

 

Right now you are acting like an obessive blob and no girl wants anything to do with that.

[GB111]

Oh Tiki,

 

I love your approach. Why didn't you tell me this 3 months ago. In terms of being a blob, this guy looks like Alexander the Great compared to me. :-)

 

So, from a woman's perspective, tell me Tiki. After you've BEEN an insecure blob for 3 months, does NC ever make any difference, or is the damage done? I certainly don't care about my ex, but I am curious.

 

GB

[jtkirkwood]

zombie,

Let her go man! I've let my wife of 15 years go after all of the begging and pleading, etc... all that does is put her in a position of POWER OVER YOU THAT SHE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN unless you have been unfaithful or abusive. But I know, you gotta try, we all do. Anyone who tells you not to has never felt the pain of losing someone or something close to them. ONCE IS ENOUGH, however, and beyond that you are beating a dead horse and prolonging your own agony. While I don't agree with Tiki's less than compassionate approach, SHE IS RIGHT and sometimes a slap in the face ( even a virtual one ) is what we need to open our eyes!

 

JT

[tikigods]

GB1111, it would take a LOT to get me to think of you as anything other then a creepy obessive guy that might cut my hair while I am sleeping and make little dolls of me. You really let a girl see what she has in store for her if you guys ever break up again, and most girls I think really don't like the drama that comes with this if they want to have a clean break.

 

I think that girls are more incline to what to remain friends though, but its up to the guys to really put their foot down and say "no contact" the girl will start missing them and then you ahve a better chance, but being at a girls beck and call to the point the OP is wouldn't make me ever want to date him again, he isn't a man at all, and girls want a guy to take care of them, not fall to pieces on them like that

[GB111]

Tiki,

 

Thanks for calling me a "creepy, oppressive guy". I really appreciate that. I am sure you are miles ahead of me in terms of maturity and self-confidence, so your post really is a wake up call. Wow, at the age of 39 years, I really thought I was over that stage, but thanks for calling me out. Perhaps I will tell that to the next date I go on so she doesn't have any false impressions.

 

I'd also like to commend you on your compassion. In my experience, those who show the most compassion have experienced the most in life and are the best at relating to anothers situation. Clearly, you are miles ahead in that regard. Also, in terms of self-satisfaction. Your hard-hitting approach is definitely the sign of someone who is so secure in themselves that taking others to task is a beacon of hope in an otherwise foggy world.

 

You are a breadth of knowledge that few of us can ever hope to reach. The life raft on the Titanic, the back-up parachute on the sky diver, and the oxygen tank to the diver.

 

Thank you, once again, for being such a decent human being. It's anybodys guess why someone would leave you. I shall spend the evening contemplating this. Good luck, my love.

 

Kisses,

 

GB

[tikigods]

heh I didn't mean you as in you, I meant anyone that would go into the pile of ooze. Hey you asked and I told

 

Its true why WOULD someone leave someone as wonderful and all knowing as myself? Perhaps thats why I am in a wonderfully happy marriage

 

You asked if I thought someone that would fall apart like that would have a chance with their ex again, I said no. Once you get yourself back together nothing is stopping you from having a wonderful relationship in the future.

 

Its amazing with your attitude that you don't have girls banging down your door!

[GB111]

Oh, Tiki, why did you have to get married??? I've been looking for you my whole life.

 

Oh, and don't worry, I have plenty of women, but thanks for the thought. Just so happens I liked that one. Great to have the perspective of a married person on a site for people who have broken up. Anything on your mind?

 

Loving You,

 

GB

[been7077]

Wow, I'm feeling the love.

 

Mr. Zombie, a lesson I have learned in the few more years I have probably been existing on this earth is very simple. Hard but simple.

 

You can't MAKE anybody like, love or want to be with you. "Make" means many things, including NC and whimpering like a hurt puppy and even threatening to end it all. It's sad but true. It's a waiting game and a numbers game. Sometimes you find real love, and, sadly, sometimes you loose it, and sometimes it never comes to a person.

 

That said, I'm an optimist.

[zombie_romance]

....wow....you guys really live for this. all this has been really helpful and please, if anymore advice, continue posting it. sadly, i probably wont see it for a while because im going home tomarrow and i have no internet there but i will check asap. by the way, i did find one website to be helpful, also. advicediva.com. it doesnt hurt to look, right? anyho, thanks everyone and goodluck.