What is up with me?

[JohnM]

I'm getting sick and tired of holding myself back from things, I'm pissed off at myself at the moment because I know inside I am a strong person.

 

So many things I want to do but cannot because I am 'too shy' godamn that. I want to overcome obstacles but over think everything I bloody do. I know that it shouldn't be a problem and think how silly and menial a thing is, but then I go and do what I always do, sit back and stay quiet.

 

Why can't I just be me? I used to be so damn outgoing when I was younger. I used to make friends very easily and never held back. If I wanted to do something, I did it. Now I seem to be getting worse, I used to be great at speaking in groups up until I was like 15. I even used to sing infront of audiences and would do whatever without thinking about what others felt.

 

Now I always seem to be thinking about how I could end up making myself look foolish. This shouldn't be the case, If I want to dance how I want I should do. If I have an opinion on a matter I should voice it. But no, I'll sit there to f***ing scared to talk when surrounded by close friends.

 

Why am I just saying the small one liner's instead of talking when I want to!? I'm a great conversationalist but only when theres like 3 or less people, and I'm great in 1v1s. I just don't understand myself, am I losing my self confidence? Because thats how it feels.

 

I want to sort this out, because its starting to get me down....

:(

 

I'm even f***in crying over this now, getting myself into a stupid state.

[johan]

What happened today that caused all this?

[JohnM]

Its not just today to be honest. But I was feeling tired while out, earlier as usual I was being quiet while most of the group were talking away, when we went out I wasn't dancing as I couldn't really be bothered. When we changed bars, I was pretty much just sitting there slumped. When I bothered to get up to the dance floor my legs were tired and I just decided to come home.

[Touche]

Could it be depression possibly?

[johan]

I think you're being way too hard on yourself. So what if you don't have anything to say? Don't talk then. If you don't want to dance, then don't dance. If you're tired then go home. I guarantee the people you were out with like you more than you're liking yourself.

 

Ease up a little bit, and try to understand yourself a little bit. You aren't a freak. You're doing the right thing for yourself, even when it means keeping to yourself.

 

I know how you feel. Trust me. You're thinking too hard about yourself.

[JohnM]

I don't think so, I'm happy most of the time and don't really get down. I'm just really lacking the confidence that I want.

 

I got thinking it's down to social anxiety, I just can't deal with group conversations and tend to think too much about what others may be thinking. I want to become more confident in myself though, I dont want to be so self aware.

[kitten chick]

Sounds a lot like social anxiety. I'm glad that you recognize it and you want to do something about it. You're young enough to get better and combat your fears so that your life isn't wasted on avoiding relationships and social situations. Have you considered doing therapy? If not, there are some really good CBT books out there that have been successful in helping those with SA.

[JohnM]

Thanks for the replies, I'll take your points onboard Johan. I just want to be more confident, I'm quite happy being quiet and taking a back seat at times. But I also want to progress and speak up when I want to, I just get nervous. To be honest I'm just not experienced in all this and it's coming thick and fast.

 

This time last year I had very few friends, 1 real friend if I'm honest after my 2 other best mates turned on me. I had never gone out with my friends to town, I had never danced and was at home most nights on my p.c. alone.

 

After moving out for Uni, I have become self dependant, am out pretty much 5/7 nights of the week and I DO dance most of the time I have met a great bunch of friends who I'm close with. I just need to gain confidence and mainly actually get with a girl for the first time

 

I still want to boost my confidence over this summer before I go back and while I have time off to think. Any ideas on what i could do? Perhaps some on stage singing or personal speaking courses?

[PYT]

Sounds like social anxiety. Check out the social anxiety help thread here it has pages of people giving advice so hopefully you can find someone you identify with there and try their advice.